First Couples Therapy

Went home last night and finally talked to my wife about everything.
The takeaways:

-She feels like I have a lot of my own unresolved issues that in throwing back on her instead of dealing with myself.

-when I asked her about starting individual therapy again, she told me she wouldn't answer right away on that, but told me that I need to keep seeing my therapist because I have my own issues to work on
-she felt "blindsided" in our session when i talked about needing to take care of her
-"you were the one who insisted we start going to counseling immediately, and now you can't go again until August?" (She didn't tell me the place where were going was in the next county over, 45 minutes from my office. That's 3 hours lost in each visit)

As a friend of mine described it, the whole exchange felt like she thought I was trying to put all the pressure on her, when in reality, I just want to see if I can get back the woman I fell in love with.

So, I'll see my therapist next week to strategize what comes next, because I'm taking what she said with a grain of salt at the moment.

So, still married, and giving her every opportunity, but we both have to play ball on this.

And today will make the 4th sexless birthday in a row. There won't be a 5th.

Another Happy Birthday to you from me! Do something nice for yourself that includes people who truly love you.

Reading your latest about the Talk About Everything, I came away with a very strong impression that your wife is struggling to maintain control - in her life, and therefore over you.

People who need control will project their problems onto their partner so they don't have to change. Changing means giving up control.

I'm sure you have issues. We all do. In a healthy relationship, the two partners can discuss their individual issues as equals with the shared goal of making the relationship better.

They also agree to discuss them fairly. Being fair does NOT mean responding to a legitimate concern with, "Oh yeah? Well you're not perfect either because you [insert whatever, usually something minor compared to what was initially being discussed]." If the topic of conversation is HER issues, then it's fair to finish that discussion before moving on to YOUR issues. Sure, you can try to work out a way to communicate better, but better communication doesn't change what's inside her - only she can do that.

Having or not having issues has nothing to do with whether you deserve a healthy, equal, loving, sexual marriage. It's how you approach those issues that determines whether you have that type of marriage.

About control... That hit right at the heart of it, I think... She's always been fiercely independent and never able to seek help from anybody else without a monumental effort. I just had never thought of myself as being part of that system she was trying to keep control of. But it makes sense.

That's the plan for next week when I see my counselor, actually.

Happy Birthday, CT...I hope you do something that makes you happy today !

CT: HB!

As for couples therapy and your story, here is my advice:

1)

As for the "its a man/woman thing"...

As we know from the number of women dealing with SMs, that is a pernicious sterotype. Maybe true sometimes -- or even most of the time -- but it doesn't mean you have to accept in your marriage.

If the therapist stops at that and basically turns to you and shrugs: she is not worth much as a therapist. But if this point becomes a therapist-assisted *discussion* between you to, it might be helpful.  Such as:

Therapist to CT: "So when you don't receive the physical and emotional intimacy you crave, how do you feel?"
Therapist to Mrs CT: "So when you hear him say it that way, how does that make YOU feel?"
Therapist to CT: "What things do you think you can do as a couple to feel closer?"
Therapist to Mrs CT: "What things do you think you can do as a couple to feel closer?  And what do you think of the things your H just mentioned?"
Therapist to both of you: "So what is the plan?  Which of those things are you going to try before the next visit?"

If your therapist is not getting to that point by visit three: cancel visit four.

2) 

It IS possible that you came out of the gate a little too strong; dumped too much on the table too soon.

In retrospect, I THINK I MADE THAT MISTAKE.

Yes, you DO have to be honest.  Yes you DO get to "get all your stuff out on the table"... but your wife still is a person (with issues of her own).  She might not be able to process everything as fast as you can "describe the situation as you see it".

(I think I made that mistake, too.)

In fact, in my pain I blurted out some things which were VERY insensitive.  I did so because a) I was angry, b) I thought "brutal honesty is the way therapy is supposed to work".  But the way I said them caused its own sort of pain and damage... and kind of lead to more sexlessness!

So... please try to learn from my mistakes!

3)

It is possible that talk therapy will help rekindle a libido in to your wife... but even so, it may be modest and/or short lived.  And that is the sugar coated version.  

The blunt version is: "It is unlikely that any amount of talk therapy will bring instill a libido in to your wife that you will be happy with."  

You can pick which you prefer to hear.

You may really want her to change; she may even really want to please you... but at the end of the day
it might not be possible.  It has taken me 28 years of marriage, 10 years of on-again-off-again therapy, and 15 month on ILIASM to finally admit that to myself... and thus ONLY NOW am I realizing I have to make a tough choice.

So -- again -- please try to learn from my mistakes!

4) 

A good therapist is should only be trying to "fix" your marriage if that is what you both want.

If at some point you feel that the marriage is not fixable or you don't want to fix it, and if your therapist does not "detect" this and switch gears... time to end therapy with that therapist.

5)

Last comment: I'M NOT SAYING DON'T TRY THERAPY.  I think that is the right thing to try.  After all, if you wanted to "just give up", you could have walked away before now.  TRYING is part of the process of dealing with the SM; you may find something that works.  And if not, it will assist in convincing yourself that it is unfixable and/or time to go.

In other words: to those who say "marital therapy doesn't work", I point out they are measuring "works" by "the marriage becomes happy after that".  My definition of "works" is "did it help YOU be happier, either by fixing the marriage or coming to terms with a divorce?"

Where your missus says - "---told me that I need to keep seeing my therapist because I have my own issues to work on ---" looks very much like a deflective technique to get you off the core issue.
However, setting aside what her motives might be, there is validity in what she said.
It would be a great idea to keep up your individual counselling.
You want to bring the best possible "cagedtiger" to the joint table.
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Just as obviously, Mrs cagedtiger needs to undertake the exact same strategy, and ensure that she is bringing the best possible "Mrs cagedtiger" to the joint table.
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And, from that position - two individuals bringing their respective "best possible" selves to the joint counselling table - you are highly likely to be able to resolve the situation. Whatever "resolve" might actually turn out to be.
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But in a situation where only one of the individuals is sorting out their own shit, and the other party isn't, you are not going to get much of a result out of a joint counselling scenario. Because there is only one person engaged in the process, only one person trying.
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Under those circumstances, it is going to be down to you - cagedtiger - to drive the resolvement. Whatever that may end up being.
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And probably, you are going to have to act unilaterally to do so.
And let the cards fall where they may.