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Post by WindSister on Aug 9, 2018 7:03:21 GMT -5
I don't get the negativity towards online dating. I mostly had a lot of fun with it. Yeah, I let it get to me sometimes, not saying that, and I went in streaks, took time off, tried different ones, etc., but overall, it was a great thing for me. And, I met my now awesome husband. For me it was a great experiment. I observed myself with various men. I met all kinds of men, across the spectrum...black, white, browns of all shades. Education levels varied, job titles from free lance artist to CEO. Some were merely meet and greets, others turned into dates. Most dates ended with a hug or handshake, a couple with a kiss, and admittedly a few with a bit more. I enjoyed exploring my sexuality and I'll never apologize for that.  It was interesting and I learned soooo much about myself. It helped shape me into who I am now. Be the kind of person who lives the life you dream. Hurl yourself out of constricting comfort cages and fly. Even now I do that. Last night we decided we need to throw a big open house type party for friends and co-workers. Picked the date, started getting word out, invites. 54 people. Gulp!!! I'm expecting 5 or 6...lol... but we shall see what happens. We are making ourselves vulnerable to rejection, but we will be ok no matter what. That's what dating is... throw yourself out there, see what happens... have FUN along the way!! |
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 9, 2018 7:33:15 GMT -5
Thoughts on how to meet potential partners: On online dating, even if you are a woman, you can’t just sit back and await messages. You have to have the courage to reach out. It is a numbers game like looking for a job. Most of the people whom you message will not message back if you are s man. Odds are better for women. Still, women are likely to get inappropriate replies. Still, to win at that game, you have to play it by reaching out with some kind of brief personal message to those who interest you. If you don’t like their responses, move on. Don’t lower your standards. I know plenty of people who have met good partners via online. This is good advice. For myself when it comes to online dating, the women who take the initiative go to the head of the line for dating opportunities. So many of the women online (my opinion about women in my age group) seem to really be limiting the pool of potential partners for themselves by not being proactive. They wait for a man to initiate the conversation. Or almost as bad, they max out their effort in starting a conversation by limiting it to a single sentence of "Hi there". That doesn't say much for their conversation skills or degree of interest. And if that's what the majority of other women are doing then it doesn't separate you from the rest of the herd. Trust me, men do not think less of a woman if she starts the conversation. Quite the opposite. If you find something interesting in a profile work it into the opening of the conversation. Say something interesting, remember this dating business is a 2 way street. One last thought. I don't know to what degree it comes into play. It's mentioned a lot here from one women to another as part of the advice. But it just seems to me the mantra of "don't settle" has come to be interpreted to mean if he doesn't get all the boxes checked then that male is no longer in the running. Maybe I'm wrong but as a man I certainly would not eliminate a woman over a couple unchecked boxes. Major flaws yes, but not the small stuff. Having some minimum standards is OK,( height-weight proportionate, most of their original teeth, financially stable, decent conversation skills, presentable in public). The pool is pretty small to begin with. And if one drains away a big portion of the water by adding a bunch of extraneous pre-qualifiers or being a "wall flower" waiting to be chosen then the prospects for success diminish. It seems reasonable to me to expect some of the potential keepers in the pool are going to swim away with the water as it leaves. |
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Post by workingonit on Aug 9, 2018 7:48:08 GMT -5
@windsister I want to come to your party! You inspire me with your philosophy which feels similar to my own although you are much further on the path. You give me so much hope! Thank you! worksforme2 I think the not settling thing, IMO is not settling for luke warm feelings about someone. I do not have a list in my head about characteristics I want but I have a very clear sense of how I want to feel about someone and how I want them to feel about me. In my vision if my post divorce future I can see playing around a bit but I will not settle in terms if getting into a relationship. Teeth are appreciated though I suppose😉 |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 9, 2018 8:11:46 GMT -5
I don't get the negativity towards online dating. I mostly had a lot of fun with it. I agree and like all that you said. The negativity, I posted was a warning bell to others of what has happened to the online dating industry in the past few months. I don't want others to get there heart broken or their wallet. On to a better story!! last night I went out to Lous Blues,a bar/restaurant/night club near my house. I brought a male friend with me. (he's gay- I am not) We sit upstairs where you can see the ocean, and down below is a singer on his keyboard and a dance floor. Across from me is a table of four woman. (I'm not going to be polite so pardon my harsh wording) They are all consuming adult beverages, they re wearing low cut clothing, all in there mid forties (I am in my low 50's). They all have bingo wings, they aren't as hot as they may think they are. God bless em' let them have a fun time with each other ,ladies night out I am guessing? Too bad they have to be drunk to do it. ( again my knee jerk ,for a moment ,harsh opinion- I'm working on it. Yeah I'm still a bit bitter from the divorce) I sit where I can observe them, since I am with my friend and we only planned on staying a short while (we already had dinner). I watched their eyes a lot. Not once did they look up or around the room. One of them got up and went down stairs, constantly looking down. Our waitress commented on my friends shirt, that opened a door. I shared a corney joke with her, that opened another door. Bless our waitress, she really knew how to make me feel welcomed. I then watch the same waitress go over to the ladies table and share my jokes with them, they start telling more jokes. By now I am wanting to go speak to them. Honestly going up to a table of four woman who don't want to speak ,or look at anyone wasn't going to happen. Plus my friend was with me. Maybe, if I had been alone, I get more bold then. meanwhile between our tables is another small table. A man, my age sits there alone, reading a book and consuming an adult beverage, he is facing these woman. Out of nowhere one of the ladies turns, leans over and says to this man," I bet you are really enjoying watching us?" Lady, he hasn't even been looking at anyone, he's reading a book! ( don't give yourself so much credit honey) he's probably very hurt from a divorce and you just confirmed for him that woman are arrogant, selfish itches! You just drove another nail into the coffin. He said nothing to her and ignored her. We had to leave shortly after that. What I am saying is after 25 yrs of being a devout faithful H, and father, it's a foreign world going back into the dating scene. |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 9, 2018 8:14:48 GMT -5
Windsister said “Be the kind of person who lives the life you dream.
Hurl yourself out of constricting comfort cages and fly.
Even now I do that. Last night we decided we need to throw a big open house type party for friends and co-workers. Picked the date, started getting word out, invites. 54 people. Gulp!!! I'm expecting 5 or 6...lol... but we shall see what happens. We are making ourselves vulnerable to rejection, but we will be ok no matter what. ”
I broke out of my shell and started living that way about 12 years ago. I was 55. I started jumping into things I’d longed to try. I started becoming the type of person I’d always admired. Although I didn’t think I had talents in singing, dancing and acting, I toookn classes and auditioned for community theater and local student films. I figured I’d rather try and in the process look foolish than waste my life by not pursuing my interests when I had the health to do so.
I ended up for the first time finding people who really get me. I’ve made wonderful friends, have appeared on stage, in student films and even in commercials seen statewide. I also met the love of my life.
Along the way, I started hosting parties and doing things like posting on FB where I’m going for lunch and issuing a ya’ll come and bring a friend invitation. I now do this weekly with an extrovert guy retired (platonic) friend whom I met in theater. It’s a great way to have fun and meet new people and strengthen friendships. Incidentally, post sm lover doesn’t come because he likes to go home and eat and take a nap at lunchtime. While I live with him, we deliberately aren’t joined at the hip. It’s fun that we do some things without each other. It gives us more to talk about.
I agree with windsister about not understanding the antipathy toward online dating. I liked the opportunity to be a huntress— to figure out what I wanted, to look for it and send a message to entice the person. While I didn’t meet post sm lover that way, I did learn a lot about what sort of men appeal to me. I’m attracted to different types of men than interested me beforevmy 34 year marriage. For instance, I find silver haired men hot especially if they have a mischievous sparkle in their eyes and their profiles reveal a sense of humor.
Free yourself to be the you whom you admire.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 9, 2018 8:27:47 GMT -5
Greatcoastal said: “They are all consuming adult beverages, they re wearing low cut clothing, all in there mid forties (I am in my low 50's). They all have bingo wings, they aren't as hot as they may think they are. God bless em' let them have a fun time with each other ,ladies night out I am guessing? Too bad they have to be drunk to do it. ( again my knee jerk ,for a moment ,harsh opinion- I'm working on it. Yeah I'm still a bit bitter from the divorce)
I sit where I can observe them, since I am with my friend and we only planned on staying a short while (we already had dinner).
I watched their eyes a lot. Not once did they look up or around the room. One of them got up and went down stairs, constantly looking down.
Our waitress commented on my friends shirt, that opened a door. I shared a corney joke with her, that opened another door. Bless our waitress, she really knew how to make me feel welcomed.
I then watch the same waitress go over to the ladies table and share my jokes with them, they start telling more jokes. By now I am wanting to go speak to them. Honestly going up to a table of four woman who don't want to speak ,or look at anyone wasn't going to happen. Plus my friend was with me. Maybe, if I had been alone, I get more bold then....”
Wow! You sound very bitter. You also wrote them off for reasons I don’t understand.
First you made fun of their being in their 40s and dressing with low cut tops? What’s the prob? I’m 67 and show cleavsge. My 66 year old lover enjoys my cleavage as, I’ve noticed, do other men. In fact, the women of mature age whom I know who dress like that tend to be sensual and to like sex.
You also seem to think the women were there hoping for male attention. Maybe not! Maybe they are gay. Maybe they just wanted to get dressed up , drink and hang out with girlfriends. I’ve done that and still do that without having any interest in picking up a guy. Maybe they were hanging out to cheer up a friend. There was nothing wrong with their basically paying attention only to each other. They may have gone out and not wanted to be approached by men.
As for the woman’s comment to the man, maybe he was just sitting there staring at them. That is creepy! Or maybe she was joking or flirting. She might have thought him to be attractive and her words were an overture.
I also thought what you were doing was creepy. Seems you mainly sat there staring at those women, watching them and criticizing everything about them.
Did you have any enjoyable conversation with your friend?
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Post by misssunnybunny on Aug 9, 2018 8:38:27 GMT -5
Thoughts on how to meet potential partners: On online dating, even if you are a woman, you can’t just sit back and await messages. You have to have the courage to reach out. It is a numbers game like looking for a job. Most of the people whom you message will not message back if you are s man. Odds are better for women. Still, women are likely to get inappropriate replies. Still, to win at that game, you have to play it by reaching out with some kind of brief personal message to those who interest you. If you don’t like their responses, move on. Don’t lower your standards. I know plenty of people who have met good partners via online. As for going to social events and meetups to meet people. Go only to activities that interest you. Take the time to enjoy the activity not just hunt for a partner. Do something to be of service. Volunteer on a committee. Help set up the chairs. Talk to people of all ages and genders. Don’t just pay attention to potential partners. Make friends. Going to a meetup of a political group of your opposite orientation is a set up for failure and smacks of desperation. Trust me: people going to a political meetup want to meet others who share their values. One would be viewed as weird or creepy if one went to a meetup for those on the opposite side of your political spectrum. If you are into politics, getting involved in your local party or helping out in a political campaign would be great ways to meet like minded people. My post sm partner and I have both been on our political party’s local executive committee. We did not overlap but we could have. Keep in mind that being an interesting person who is involved in community or other activities is likely to attract people to you. Do things that interest you. If all you can say about yourself is that you are looking for a partner, people will not be attracted to you. Have responses to, “What’s new?” other than, “nothing” or “same old same old.” Find ways to make your life more interesting. Don’t view a partner as the key to making your life interesting. No one healthy selects a partner to save a person from misery or boredom. So agree with this! I do not go out for the specific purpose of trying to meet someone. All of the activities I do because I enjoy them and want to spend time with my friends, having fun. If I meet someone while out, that would be fantastic. I worked hard to work through my issues from my SM; I knew I wasn't ready to date right after I left my marriage. I am not looking for someone to complete me (oh, I hate that line!). I am looking for a partner with whom I can enjoy life, and to be able to support each other through the not so great times. With the online thing, looks like I need to work on courage to message first! |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 9, 2018 8:41:22 GMT -5
Worksforme2 said: “One last thought. I don't to what degree it comes into play. It's mentioned a lot here from one women to another as part of the advice. But it just seems to me the mantra of "don't settle" has come to be interpreted to mean if he doesn't get all the boxes checked then that male is no longer in the running. Maybe I'm wrong but as a man I certainly would not eliminate a woman over a couple unchecked boxes. Major flaws yes, but not the small stuff. Having some minimum standards is OK,( height-weight proportionate, most of their original teeth, financially stable, decent conversation skills, presentable in public).”
“Don’t settle” to me means don’t go out with someone only because you think they are your only chance. Love and respect yourself enough that you would be happier by yourself than in the company of a person whom you are only tolerating or whose life is not in tune with your values.
Examples (including from EP, ILIASM's predecessor) of women who were settling:
A woman who went out for months with a guy whom she was so sexually unattracted to that she would dress in ways that she hoped would sexually repel him. She finally realized that she couldn't force herself to feel sexually attracted to him, so she stopped seeing him (and therefore stopped settling).
A woman who was thrilled that her new boyfriend accepted BJs from her every night. Their daily dates consisted of her going to his home and giving him BJs while he watched TV. She was willing to settle for a relationship that was only sex based, and the only person getting direct sexual pleasure was the guy.
A woman who had a first date with a man whom she'd met on the Internet. During the date, he took her parking, talked about he could get hard with a penis pump then -- even though she didn't ask for a demonstration -- whipped out his dick and demonstrated how the pump worked.
The same woman drove an hour to meet in person a man whom she'd connected with through a dating site. He greeted her with a sloppy kiss and got handsy. He directed her to a place where he treated her to a buffet lunch. Then he had her pick up his child from school, and take them home where he expected her to cook dinner. She cleaned up the filthy kitchen and then cooked dinner for them. She planned on going out with him again. She believed in giving a chance to any man who expressed interest in her.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 9, 2018 9:02:19 GMT -5
Here is a better story!
Last week I was invited by a woman on line to a group called Liberal Singles (I'm conservative) her name is Jennifer, she is very active in all kinds of groups on meetup. Turns out Jennifer is conservative too. Too them liberal means "open minded", lets have fun and not talk politics!
They were going to meet at lou's Blues for a birthday party. I decided kind of last minute, dang it I'm going to go, it beats being home alone.
So I get there and low and behold sitting at this table are two people I had dinner with a week ago from another meetup group (singles 50+) They were so glad to see me! It was Greg's 68 th birthday, and his 'roommate Troy, a woman who's 70 yrs old was with him. Troy told me "we go to all kind of meetups and just talk with people".
Troy asked me "how did you find out about us?" I said " Jennifer invited me. I had asked her online what was going on in the singles group".
Then came Jennifer.
She didn't remember me, she didn't remember sending me an email from the night before, etc..It turns out she thought I was going to be someone else she remembered with the same name. meanwhile , for some reason, I found myself being watched by the other 4 woman at the table and this air of confidence came over me. I took a confident ,almost arrogant pose, leaning against a chair, I smiled a lot, the more I drilled jennifer about her inviting me , the more Troy was watching me laughing about the whole thing. That helped!
I finally said " may I join you?" Troy said " sure have a seat right over there". I sat next to Susan. Susan was hot! I can't remember the names of the other two woman. Susan and I spoke immediately. Susan has a 18 yr old son who is just starting college. I have 4 sons three college age.
Susan was the first to leave, she hadn't made it home yet and had been working since 6:30 am. I got a nice hug and was told " I hope I see you again".
Meanwhile there is a cake sitting on the table that Susan had made for Greg. It was of a womans naked butt with a G-string and a heart on it!! They all asked me " greatcoastal what do you like? are you a titts guy or an ass guy? I didn't answer. I've never been asked such a question before with a table full of ladies! I did say "I'll try a slice."
I got bolder once I felt the mood of this crowd. I said " look at where the frosting is missing, it looks like a landing strip". Susan and Troy said " we were just talking about that before you arrived! LOL!! Troy asked me " Greatcoastal tell them some of your jokes" I did, (my jokes are rather clean and corny) they were very warm and receptive.
I then asked the 3 ladies sitting across from me " Do any of you ladies like to dance?" Troy said "greatcoastal don't get me started. I can dance to anything!" I told her I took a whole year of dance at Arthur Murray but that was 30 yrs ago, I'm rusty".
Then Troy said "it's karaoke Greg's going to sing" Jennifer looked at me and said " common greatcoastal, let's go down stairs". It turns out Jennifer has two left feet and doesn't know what a box step is. I danced with Troy.
I then looked at my watch and told the crowd, " I am so sorry I wish I could stay, I have to go pick up my daughter. " I only got to stay for an hour. A lot can happen in an hour!
I hope to see them again. I put my foot in the water. I signed up for there meetup group.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 9, 2018 9:26:15 GMT -5
Greatcoastal said: “They are all consuming adult beverages, they re wearing low cut clothing, all in there mid forties (I am in my low 50's). They all have bingo wings, they aren't as hot as they may think they are. God bless em' let them have a fun time with each other ,ladies night out I am guessing? Too bad they have to be drunk to do it. ( again my knee jerk ,for a moment ,harsh opinion- I'm working on it. Yeah I'm still a bit bitter from the divorce) I sit where I can observe them, since I am with my friend and we only planned on staying a short while (we already had dinner). I watched their eyes a lot. Not once did they look up or around the room. One of them got up and went down stairs, constantly looking down. Our waitress commented on my friends shirt, that opened a door. I shared a corney joke with her, that opened another door. Bless our waitress, she really knew how to make me feel welcomed. I then watch the same waitress go over to the ladies table and share my jokes with them, they start telling more jokes. By now I am wanting to go speak to them. Honestly going up to a table of four woman who don't want to speak ,or look at anyone wasn't going to happen. Plus my friend was with me. Maybe, if I had been alone, I get more bold then....” Wow! You sound very bitter. You also wrote them off for reasons I don’t understand. First you made fun of their being in their 40s and dressing with low cut tops? What’s the prob? I’m 67 and show cleavsge. My 66 year old lover enjoys my cleavage as, I’ve noticed, do other men. In fact, the women of mature age whom I know who dress like that tend to be sensual and to like sex. You also seem to think the women were there hoping for male attention. Maybe not! Maybe they are gay. Maybe they just wanted to get dressed up , drink and hang out with girlfriends. I’ve done that and still do that without having any interest in picking up a guy. Maybe they were hanging out to cheer up a friend. There was nothing wrong with their basically paying attention only to each other. They may have gone out and not wanted to be approached by men. As for the woman’s comment to the man, maybe he was just sitting there staring at them. That is creepy! Or maybe she was joking or flirting. She might have thought him to be attractive and her words were an overture. I also thought what you were doing was creepy. Seems you mainly sat there staring at those women, watching them and criticizing everything about them. Did you have any enjoyable conversation with your friend? You , dear lady, assume to much. Your opinion and assumptions sound even harsher than mine. I said I'm working on it. ( you seem to throw away any understanding of what I have been through, but you love to bring up what you went through in your past) I said God bless those ladies, let them have their fun. I also said That man was not even looking at them. Why you think observing people is creepy is a really far stretch on reality. You seem to have a problem with that. A double standard, meanwhile you observe people on here daily. Again I said , I'm working on it. I had 25 yrs of a wife who never wore anything the slightest bit revealing or feminine. I also had a strict upbringing and stayed with it into my adulthood. personally I believe I am very open minded when it comes to dropping first impressions, not judging a book by it's cover, all have sinned, and people are fun. ( Did you not read the part that sayad "I wanted to go speak with them?) You yourself sound creepy with your first impressions you have of men. Like a man holding a fish. So lay off and come down from your pedestal. My friend is my friend, we talked about the woman at the table, the man sitting alone, the people who walked in as couples, the fact there wasn't any single woman sitting alone in the entire place, but there are single men. We talked about how nice our waitress was the music our favorite old songs,my friends partner who passed away ten years ago, we talk a lot. I find you have a double standard on your sympathy for men verses your empathy for woman. That's my take on it. |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 9, 2018 9:32:51 GMT -5
Yes, GC, much better story: "
Troy asked me "how did you find out about us?" I said " Jennifer invited me. I had asked her online what was going on in the singles group".
Then came Jennifer.
She didn't remember me, she didn't remember sending me an email from the night before, etc..It turns out she thought I was going to be someone else she remembered with the same name. meanwhile , for some reason, I found myself being watched by the other 4 woman at the table and this air of confidence came over me. I took a confident ,almost arrogant pose, leaning against a chair, I smiled a lot, the more I drilled jennifer about her inviting me , the more Troy was watching me laughing about the whole thing. That helped!"
FWIW, I've read that depressed people notice more other people's negative perceptions of them. The depressed notice signals that other people don't like them: signals that go over the heads of nondepressed people who are disliked by others.
The results of this are that depressed people then avoid the people who are negatively reacting to them. The nondepressed people, however, are more likely to approach or continue interacting with the person who doesn't like them, and in the process may get the person to like them.
I know that one of my best friends is a man whom I disliked on sight and who for the first years of our knowing each other, I was uncomfortable talking to. though I would converse to be polite. He is in reality a very nice gregarious guy who has volunteered with many organizations that are dear to my heart. There is no reason for me to have disliked him on sight. My guess is that he may resemble a teacher or someone who didn't treat me well when I was young.
And my post SM lover is someone whom I'd known for several years and whom I had thought was a boring guy who told lame jokes. He'd sometimes sit next to me at rehearsal, make a lame joke, and I'd find an excuse to move. When he asked me out months after I was in the process of divorcing, only reason I said, "yes," was he'd invited me to see a play I liked, and I figured that while he was dull and made lame jokes, he'd be a good person to practice dating with. Over dinner when I asked him about his life is when I learned that he had much more to offer than lame jokes, and actually also had hilarious spontaneous humor.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 9, 2018 9:49:43 GMT -5
GC said : "You , dear lady, assume to much. Your opinion and assumptions sound even harsher than mine. I said I'm working on it. ( you seem to throw away any understanding of what I have been through, but you love to bring up what you went through in your past) I said God bless those ladies, let them have their fun. I also said That man was not even looking at them. Why you think observing people is creepy is a really far stretch on reality. You seem to have a problem with that. A double standard, meanwhile you observe people on here daily.
Again I said , I'm working on it. I had 25 yrs of a wife who never wore anything the slightest bit revealing or feminine. I also had a strict upbringing and stayed with it into my adulthood.
personally I believe I am very open minded when it comes to dropping first impressions, not judging a book by it's cover, all have sinned, and people are fun. ( Did you not read the part that sayad "I wanted to go speak with them?) You yourself sound creepy with your first impressions you have of men. Like a man holding a fish. So lay off and come down from your pedestal.
My friend is my friend, we talked about the woman at the table, the man sitting alone, the people who walked in as couples, the fact there wasn't any single woman sitting alone in the entire place, but there are single men. We talked about how nice our waitress was the music our favorite old songs,my friends partner who passed away ten years ago, we talk a lot.
I find you have a double standard on your sympathy for men verses your empathy for woman. That's my take on it. "
From how you've described your marriage, I've noticed that you very understandably have a lot of bitterness toward women. Obviously, you are working on it as the difference in your two going out stories reflects. In the first one, you basically wrote off women you didn't know, and you wrote them off for reasons that could be hard for others to understand. Theoretically, you could have found reasons to write off the women you met in your next outing. For instance, the fact that the woman didn't remember meeting you could have been an excuse for you to withdraw from interacting with her. But, to your credit, you didn't and had a fine evening.
I asked about your conversation with your male friend because I wondered whether you were talking to him at all or whether you were verbalizing to him your criticisms of the women or if you were having a more intimate conversation with a friend. I saw it as a big plus that you went out with a friend. Many men don't have that kind of intimacy with anyone except their spouse. And many men who are insecure about their own sexuality would not choose to be friends with a gay man. I view it as a red flag when hetero men shun gay men. I view it as a plus that you were willing to talk with him about his late partner. Too many people avoid talking about friends' lost loved ones. Your availability for such conversation with him speaks well of your capacity for compassion.
"I find you have a double standard on your sympathy for men verses your empathy for woman. "
Interesting take. In real life, I have close male friends and close women friends, and both seem to regard me as compassionate since both share intimacies with me.
I don't understand why you put down the women for cleavage and for hanging out drinking together and not paying attention to other people. Did you feel they were acting like refusers -- looking sexy but ready to disparage and slap down any man who'd approach? You seem to have put a lot of energy into observing and analyzing them, and you seem certain that if you had approached, they'd have rejected you. But even if you had approached and they'd expressed disinterest, it's not as if you have a right to be welcomed by women in a bar. Women may or may not be in a bar to meet men. From how you described those women, seems they were there to have a good time together. Nothing wrong with that. If, however, they were there hoping to meet men, I agree with you that they'd have a much better chance if they didn't huddle together seeming interested only in each other. That's a mistake that many women who want partners make. So, your take on those women might be useful info to women here looking to find partners.
As for my impression of men whose online profiles feature them holding fish: I'm not into guns. I'm not into camping. I'm not into fishing. I don't eat meat. While I used to enjoy fishing, once I learned about the pain that fish endure when being caught, I could no longer do it. So, it makes sense that I'd be repelled by a picture of a man holding a fish that he apparently caught. Women friends who've looked at online dating sites with me have also said they don't like the men with fish pictures. My guess is that men put up the kind of profile picture that they think is appealing, but that's not what many women find attractive. Many women might find more appealing men with their dogs. Along the same lines, I think women put up pictures that they think are sexy. However, men aren't in general attracted to very made up women with pouts. Women, however, think that's a sultry, attractive look. Mars. Venus.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 9, 2018 10:18:27 GMT -5
Dear @ northstarmom I have to go to work, (before the Fl. summer rain hits) Thank you for taking your time to respond to me. I promise to respond back. All part of giving and receiving.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 9, 2018 10:40:45 GMT -5
"Dear @ northstarmom I have to go to work, (before the Fl. summer rain hits) Thank you for taking your time to respond to me. I promise to respond back. All part of giving and receiving."
Thanks. I appreciate your taking the time to respond and to express appreciation. I know that we're sometimes at odds, but I do think that both of us post out of a desire to be helpful or to understand, not meanspirited. As always, I wish you well. You've had a rocky road, and it's inspirational to see how you're putting so much thought and effort into creating a better life for yourself and for your kids.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 9, 2018 19:59:20 GMT -5
Hello northstarmom and everyone else reading this. I choose to post here instead of sending a private message. Why? Because I know others read these things, never comment, and later thank us for what we say and connect with it. I humbly have started considering it a gift. ( if only I had the gift of writing as so many others on here do. I find myself saying " I agree ,what he/she said, but I don't put things into words that easy, so here goes) Okay northstarmom, you have me smiling again! You know how to pull my heartstrings. let's start with the positive! last night when my friend and I went to lous Blues would have left me with, perhaps a negative feeling about that place, however the same table that those 4 woman where at was the same table where I met 5 very different woman. Same table! LOL! It reminds me of the stories I know and hear about churches. Some people leave saying " I have never been to a place where I felt so welcomed before! Everyone was so nice to me, I was invited back, and I am having dinner with my new friend I met there". While others say " that place was cold, no one spoke to me, no one looked at me, someone even said to me, your in my seat". It happens! You and I have a different take on what our expectations are ,of going to a bar. I confess, it's all uncharted waters for me. I don't know the difference in a martini glass and a wine glass. I know when I order a coke it arrives in a paper cup with a Coke logo on it! I confess, I do go to a bar to meet people. I feel desperate. ( The online dating thing is a mess right now, church feels like a big failure) I know . I know.... wanting to have sex again, it's like a false God, an idol. It's a double edge sword. God also made me this way, so at the same time I feel justified in wanting that need to be met, satisfied, maybe put to rest. This is for @missunnybunny, I greatly admire your take on meeting a man and taking time to heal... you are three years ahead of me. I may very well mirror your words 3 years from now. For now that need, desire, longing to know if I am desired,and able to give back to a woman is 90% strong in my mind. I can't shake it yet. I do a lot with my male friend. He's been the guard at the front gate of our neighborhood for the 15 yrs I lived there. He knows everything about everyone. That includes my family too. He doesn't have a driver's license or a car, he rides his bike places. He's had kidney surgery recently. I take him places, I loan him money, he pays me back. He already heard an earful about my sons bipolar. He cares. A lot more than 95% of the woman I know. Sad truth. On a side note, that man sitting alone at the table? Personally I would have found it easier to have invited him to join me and my friend, than I would have felt sharing a joke with those woman. He may also be divorced and I could be a mentor for him, who knows? It reminds me of my trucking days and how easy it was to strike up a surface conversation with another trucker while pumping gas, eating dinner, or waiting on the loading docks. As far as the woman and how they where dressed? For me that's an easier one. I see a lot of double standards in that. I'll explain it. The same woman who wears yoga pants, an open low cut top or a mini skirt with her cheeks hanging out, is the same woman who says " how dare a man even look at me as a sexual object! men are pigs, men are trash, who needs them! ( I got an earful of that at my divorce recovery class.) I've literally had woman bend over and "accidentally " have their evening gown drop open and right in my face is their breast and nipples, while I am helping a woman who was choking. I had to turn my head! At least she said "oops sorry greatcoastal!" I have a litany of stories of woman who parade around with there body exposed ,but a man doing that or even noticing it? A huge double standard. As far as woman who are 65, 70 yrs old, showing off their cleavage? We are going to disagree on that. Honestly they don't look as sexy as they think they do. Only few people are going to tell them that. I have more admiration for a woman who knows she's not a teenager anymore and dresses classy , with style. I go out of my way to tell woman " that dress looks really good on you". You can tell she still has quite an attractive female figure without having to flaunt it. Again, that's just me. When I first met Troy we sat across from each other at one of those high bar stool like tables at a restaurant. I could only see her from the chest up. Later in the parking lot I got to see what she was wearing. A tube top and some baggy striped pants. she looked like a 60's hippy, LOL. Now please don't get me wrong, I like this woman, she has spunk and is a caring person. I spoke to her face. She has the face of a caring 70 yr old granny like woman. I did not know her belly was exposed the whole time that I was having dinner with her! Her body is really not bad for a 70 yr old woman! The night we danced at lou's Blues she was wearing a mini skirt. She has cellulite on her legs. I like her! A lot! as a fun loving person! I don't care about cellulite and how she dresses. I'm proud of her! Do I want to go to bed with her? NO. No it doesn't make sense that you would be repelled by a picture of a man holding a fish. That's judging a book by it's cover. Some of the most caring intelligent Godly men I know own boats and go fishing. I have another example. my pastor.,Jason is a married man, a father, a grandfather, a very motivational speaker, a ver well educated man on the bible, a very understanding person, a leader, he dresses in jeans and a t-shirt, (his wife makes him wear a polo when preaching) he was also into cocaine in his teens. He grew up in Tennessee. He tells stories with a purpose that are meaningful and hit home about Jesus and who he hung out with. Sometimes his stories are about his days camping and duck hunting with his son. ( my saying" if you don't quit you can't lose" comes from jason.) Now I have never shot an animal, never been hunting, never put a hook into a fish ( I do eat meat) I find the thought of blasting a hole in a duck pretty gross! Do I get "offended" by his stories? Do I throw the baby out with the bath water? No .Will I dismiss everything else about this man because he used to go hunting? NO. I shoot wildlife...with a camera! and I get awards for my paintings that I do from my photography. I love nature! However I am a man. And if ever the day I have a gun and I need to defend someone on the street or in battle? I would use it. It may traumatize me for life ,but it's a strong part of my being. That's what troubles me, because you prove in your story about the joke teller that you can be a very open minded, forgiving, loving person! As far as the negative? I have known a lot of woman in my adult years. Hundreds actually. The ratio is 10 to 1 as far as men that I know. Not too many men will relate to my past experiences. Being a stay at home dad and a homeschooler put me with several different groups of woman. I got to see there competitiveness against each other. I was rejected instantly for being a man. There feminism, childish behavior, dis respect and arrogance drove me away. Meanwhile on the other hand, hundreds of woman handed me there one year olds and asked for me by name. They gave me their trust and I came through, better than all the other woman I worked with as far as calming their kids and making them happy. Yet those same woman were all very surfacy,and very click oriented which I was not welcome to be a part of. Then I went home to my cold wife. All in the past. Well, my more "likable" story about meeting woman at the "liberal Singles" party can also be seen as bitter. Someone could read this and get bitter about my behavior. You had a cake shaped like a naked woman? You spoke and joked with woman about female anatomy? Those woman asked you about titts and ass? What kind of perverts are they? That's degrading! Who are they to say that's how a man thinks? Those woman invited you first? The man is supposed to ask a lady out. Jennifer couldn't even remember emailing you 12 hrs ago? And Troy laughed at her? How rude! Where these woman drunk? Did you drink? Susan hugged you right after just meeting you? You went out to a bar when you knew you had to go pick up your daughter? You where seen with liberals? I mean the list can go on and on.... The world is a crazy place! So to try and bring this full circle, dating at my age, in my situation, escaping a SM after 25 yrs with a narc, being a dad, a homeschooler stay at home father, unemployed, is a big tangled up knot!! I compare it to what my soon to be 16 yr' old daughter is going through. "So Hunter hasn't answered your texts ,you haven't seen him in a month." Hunter said " what the hell are you doing here ?"when you showed up at his H.S. band concert? Were many of your other girl friends invited you ,but he didn't? ( I say dump him). Then you met Brandon! he's 9 months younger than you. You have quite a crush on him! He's 6 ft tall and just turned 15 yrs old. He talks to you a lot, he likes to do voice impressions, he wears a hat all the time ( like your older brother did) I say go for it! That was long! Sorry about that! If only my choices where that simple again! |
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