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Post by lonelyhubby on May 11, 2024 9:37:48 GMT -5
I am just hitting the wall almost as hard as a couple of years ago. Trying to maintain positivity and realize that communication is getting better, she reaches out for me and offers backrubs and cuddles, but still - it's there, always there in the back of my mind that we simply will never get to a place where physical intimacy and sex ever happens again.
..... Just not feeling it - and been thinking that perhaps I should just stop doing all the little things (almost all the housework, packing her lunch every day, helping her to her car and load up for work every morning) - and just tell her "It's not important to me", like she has done regarding sex (at home and in therapy)....
I don't know anymore, just don't know. Still have 2 kids in the house, 17 and 13 year old. Really thinking of just biding my time, keeping my mouth shut and waiting until I can escape without 2-3K a month being fed to the system and me living in a cardboard box for the rest of my life. I will be 64, and am still in good shape, with no major medical issues. Is anyone else feeling like this as well?
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Missingout
Full Member
Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on May 11, 2024 11:50:59 GMT -5
I am just hitting the wall almost as hard as a couple of years ago. Trying to maintain positivity and realize that communication is getting better, she reaches out for me and offers backrubs and cuddles, but still - it's there, always there in the back of my mind that we simply will never get to a place where physical intimacy and sex ever happens again. ..... Just not feeling it - and been thinking that perhaps I should just stop doing all the little things (almost all the housework, packing her lunch every day, helping her to her car and load up for work every morning) - and just tell her "It's not important to me", like she has done regarding sex (at home and in therapy).... I don't know anymore, just don't know. Still have 2 kids in the house, 17 and 13 year old. Really thinking of just biding my time, keeping my mouth shut and waiting until I can escape without 2-3K a month being fed to the system and me living in a cardboard box for the rest of my life. I will be 64, and am still in good shape, with no major medical issues. Is anyone else feeling like this as well? Yes I stopped doing the little things. She is not trying and I’m tired of trying with nothing in return. I was gone for work for 3 weeks and hard conversations were had. She is finally understanding that I want out. Financial problems are at the forefront in my mind it’s happiness that’s priceless. And also Father Time. |
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Post by mirrororchid on May 13, 2024 6:24:21 GMT -5
I am just hitting the wall almost as hard as a couple of years ago. Trying to maintain positivity and realize that communication is getting better, she reaches out for me and offers backrubs and cuddles, but still - it's there, always there in the back of my mind that we simply will never get to a place where physical intimacy and sex ever happens again. ..... Just not feeling it - and been thinking that perhaps I should just stop doing all the little things (almost all the housework, packing her lunch every day, helping her to her car and load up for work every morning) - and just tell her "It's not important to me", like she has done regarding sex (at home and in therapy).... I don't know anymore, just don't know. Still have 2 kids in the house, 17 and 13 year old. Really thinking of just biding my time, keeping my mouth shut and waiting until I can escape without 2-3K a month being fed to the system and me living in a cardboard box for the rest of my life. I will be 64, and am still in good shape, with no major medical issues. Is anyone else feeling like this as well? If "The College Plan" is on your mind, I'd imagine there's a big difference between 64 and 69 ( EDIT: 60 and 65), when the 13 year old is eligible for launch. A common observation is that if you were to leave, you'd do everything you do anyway, but packing her lunch? You may be able to achieve an easier life after divorce, though the economics are still a bitch. The Open marriage thing... not a thing? It had been my justification that my wife got everything out of the marriage she wanted, so she had no rom to complain. Your wife may be even a step above mine in privileged existence. I'll pack fruit for my wife, but not the whole lunch. For one thing, what she eats matters so much I couldn't possibly do it right, but pushing healthy choices at her is my gesture of love. What claim does she have to insist on your celibacy? Do you want to leave for it's own sake? Is sex just the straw breaking the camel's back? |
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Post by lonelyhubby on May 13, 2024 7:34:30 GMT -5
We just started covering this forced celibacy in therapy, I said she insists on monogamy but then forces celibacy on me - WHY? She simply states she gets nothing from it (it being sex) - possible issue with Anhedonia and depression, burnt out, etc.. But she is touch averse and didn't used to be (kids were super touchy and clingy and this set that ball rolling... I am turning 60 in July, and will be 65 when the youngest is 18. I am doing the majority of the home based effort since I work form home (100% remote).
I DO think she simply takes me and everything for granted - I don't do things for her to get anything from her - I do it out of love. But she simply shuts down - said yesterday she wishes she knew what she could do to help me - I just gave her the look like yeah - everything except that. she shut down, but insisted on cuddling with a nap later.
I am however, simply hitting the wall when it comes to giving much more and going numb myself. Just suffering through it until it either changes on her side, or I leave once it is financially feasible.
I am tempted to simply state that I want to move to planning separation or divorce during next week's therapy session. I don't feel she is taking any of this seriously, just kicking the can down the road until I just give in and give up. I asked outright during the last session - she got very upset by the direct ask if she wants a divorce. I said verbatim "do you just want to get divorced?, because all I can offer is acts of service and words of affirmation and no way to approach you for sex." That's when she got very upset and agitated
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Missingout
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Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on May 13, 2024 7:45:20 GMT -5
She did not answer your question? My wife is the same when it comes house hold chores. She's at home most of the week and I do all the cooking and kitchen duties and outside chores.
I stopped the little things that I did out of love and caring about a year ago. She went through my personal phone and work phone thinking I was having an affair because of these changes. Even though I told her I wasn't and it was her lack of initiating love or sex. She found nothing on the phones of course so I don't know when she will look at herself and try to figure out what went wrong.
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Post by lonelyhubby on May 13, 2024 8:01:31 GMT -5
Oh, she answered it. Openly said it's not important to her, she doesn't get anything out of it. So, rather than explore that and work towards what does make her happy - she has disconnected her sexuality (at least through sex with me) - she does try to masturbate, but lack of pleasure, numbness and inability to climax are all issues now. She has just shut down.
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Missingout
Full Member
Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on May 13, 2024 8:05:51 GMT -5
Oh, she answered it. Openly said it's not important to her, she doesn't get anything out of it. So, rather than explore that and work towards what does make her happy - she has disconnected her sexuality (at least through sex with me) - she does try to masturbate, but lack of pleasure, numbness and inability to climax are all issues now. She has just shut down. I'm sorry brother. I can't understand there lack of interest on making us happy to save the marriage. I'm at the point of screw the finances just get it over with. |
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Post by toughtiger on May 13, 2024 9:04:41 GMT -5
Oh, she answered it. Openly said it's not important to her, she doesn't get anything out of it. So, rather than explore that and work towards what does make her happy - she has disconnected her sexuality (at least through sex with me) - she does try to masturbate, but lack of pleasure, numbness and inability to climax are all issues now. She has just shut down. when i had to resort to DIY....... i was not successful at first ..... because sex is in the brain the imagination the desire ..... when i had a person who literally talked me through it............. i could imagine hands on me and not me with a toy.... when i could imagine the GOOD experience it became easier....and so much better. i really do not think ANYONE is happy with shut down ........ not us the refused ..... but also not them the refusers..... IT is the elephant in the room and i have avoided the conversations tried to be pleasant and understanding.......not rock the boat see the good side BS and it is NOT working..........anger and resentment flows through everything else ...... I was fine this morning and then found he did something without thinking AGAIN and even though it is not a big deal i am furious..... i do not want to live this way anymore. |
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Post by lonelyhubby on May 13, 2024 9:23:37 GMT -5
Sorry you are in this place. I understand and can relate to not wanting to live like "this" any longer. Such unnecessary pain for no damned good reason other than the withholders inability to see beyond what is in their own head and understand the pain they create by the inaction / inattention.
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Post by angeleyes65 on May 13, 2024 10:54:05 GMT -5
I definitely gave up. I slowly made him start doing things for himself that I did for him.
After awhile the feelings die then it got to the point when he would choose to throw me a bone I couldn't let him touch me. It became unfixable
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Post by lonelyhubby on May 13, 2024 11:46:45 GMT -5
I am not quite there yet, she keeps either trying just enough or is having trouble moving forward. Can't tell if this IS breadcrumbing, or she is truly disconnected so badly that she can't find her way back.
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Post by catlover on May 13, 2024 17:09:25 GMT -5
I am just hitting the wall almost as hard as a couple of years ago. Trying to maintain positivity and realize that communication is getting better, she reaches out for me and offers backrubs and cuddles, but still - it's there, always there in the back of my mind that we simply will never get to a place where physical intimacy and sex ever happens again. ..... Just not feeling it - and been thinking that perhaps I should just stop doing all the little things (almost all the housework, packing her lunch every day, helping her to her car and load up for work every morning) - and just tell her "It's not important to me", like she has done regarding sex (at home and in therapy).... I don't know anymore, just don't know. Still have 2 kids in the house, 17 and 13 year old. Really thinking of just biding my time, keeping my mouth shut and waiting until I can escape without 2-3K a month being fed to the system and me living in a cardboard box for the rest of my life. I will be 64, and am still in good shape, with no major medical issues. Is anyone else feeling like this as well? My situation is similar to yours although for very different reasons (she does have a terminal rare disease). She will cuddle into me, normally after I’ve fallen asleep, but I’ve given up trying to do anything beyond a hand on her waist if we both turn over. Anything else I know will get rejected/pushed away, which just makes me angry, so why bother. |
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Post by ironhamster on May 14, 2024 5:46:46 GMT -5
lonelyhubby, if it is at the point where you are planning your escape in the distant future, talk with a lawyer about the laws in your jurisdiction, and how things will shake out for you. You may also look into moving where the laws are more in your favor.
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Post by lonelyhubby on May 14, 2024 6:04:37 GMT -5
lonelyhubby , if it is at the point where you are planning your escape in the distant future, talk with a lawyer about the laws in your jurisdiction, and how things will shake out for you. You may also look into moving where the laws are more in your favor. Already done so. I am in a state where there is no alimony. But heavy child support. So, waiting pattern is almost assured. The situation is tolerable if there is an end in sight, but I am just feeling the ability to reconcile slipping away from me (as in I am starting to not care and resent the stonewall and forced celibacy as she simply refuses to move on fixing her block) |
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Post by ironhamster on May 14, 2024 7:09:14 GMT -5
lonelyhubby , if it is at the point where you are planning your escape in the distant future, talk with a lawyer about the laws in your jurisdiction, and how things will shake out for you. You may also look into moving where the laws are more in your favor. Already done so. I am in a state where there is no alimony. But heavy child support. So, waiting pattern is almost assured. The situation is tolerable if there is an end in sight, but I am just feeling the ability to reconcile slipping away from me (as in I am starting to not care and resent the stonewall and forced celibacy as she simply refuses to move on fixing her block) Been there. One of the worst parts of this process was the realization that my then wife didn't care about my needs, and that was just one aspect of her lack if caring. You can't expect a good relationship with someone that doesn't care about you, so, so much for reconciliation. |
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