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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 19, 2017 9:25:35 GMT -5
CT, your latest post had me comparing our wives. Mine came home yesterday from work, getting a ride from another lady. I heard loud bursts of laughter, joyful conversations, vibrant, jubilant, emotional happy sounds coming from my wife. A 100% opposite of the person who lives with this family in this home. It reminded me of the person I first met when we were dating.
You have mentioned how your wife pours herself into her work. I remember reading in an article posted on here , that's what a person does to avoid their issues with sex and intimacy. Avoidance through work, there whole identity becomes what there career tittle is. Like a stall tactic. Both our spouses may very well live the rest of their lives without ever wanting, needing, being with another man.
Not the same story for you and me. We need to give, and receive from another giver.
Another thought was our spouses moving back in with their parents. It sounds like you have become the parent. Oh she's independent enough, her work, buying her own food, eating junk food all the time. But look at your house, her spending, her health, Your W needs a parent, not a Husband.
Then the light-bulb went on! My wife's father has been living with us for ten years. Does she still live with her parents? Daddy's right here at the house, 24/7! She spends way more time, money, effort, with him than me.
Releasing such additional heavy, heavy, baggage will do us both a world of good. It will make dealing with our own baggage so much easier, and we can bear fruit again.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jan 19, 2017 14:29:53 GMT -5
GC. I don't often say this, so I won't. I'll use abbreviations. FFS TMI! Lol By the way the trash can is still overflowing, never been emptied. TMI, I know, I know.... LOL NO FUCKING WAY!!!! you have to tell them to sort it now. I'll come over there myself if I have to! No no no no no 😬🙈 |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 19, 2017 14:39:45 GMT -5
By the way the trash can is still overflowing, never been emptied. TMI, I know, I know.... LOL NO FUCKING WAY!!!! you have to tell them to sort it now. I'll come over there myself if I have to! No no no no no 😬🙈 Is that what it takes to get a woman to come into my bathroom? I've been doing it wrong for so long!! I must have skipped that page. LOL!!!! |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jan 19, 2017 14:49:09 GMT -5
greatcoastal, I think you have really hit on something here (above - about the parents - not about the trashcan) I also poured myself into work. I didn't really realize what I was doing at the time but I was very much addressing my need to be needed. And - gross, but I'll be honest - my unconscious desire to be a martyr for the cause (College of Engineering - rather socially awkward faculty professors tasked with doing research who love research but can't stand the application process - I'll bail you out! I'm a hero! Ne'er mind I can get a good lay at home - YOU professors will love me for this) Anyway - my parents don't live close. I visited them but not as often as I would have if my H liked them better and/or if I had been more matured at the time. Instead - I worked my tail off and was very tired when I got home, so any lack of scintillating conversation was fine with me. But then - something happened. I was empty inside and I started to look around and SEE, for the first time in a long time, what was wrong with how I had structured my life. All work and no play (and no sex, even on the horizon). This would coincide with what you - the time that the FOG was lifting. And that is when I found EP (or, roughly that timing). I am so grateful that I woke up. I saw that I was technically a grown woman who was living as a junior partner and not having a whole aspect of my being addressed (needs: emotional and physical ones). When I got out - I was no more mature really and used the only coping mechanism I still clung to, so bad for me but I thought effective, and that was to drink my troubles away. We all know where that led me (AA). Anyway - I can't say enough how each of us contemplating leaving really do need to bulk up our support systems prior to launch. When you get out and have SO much free time on your hands, there needs to be people there - real life, face to face people - to check in with, spend time with, go to divorce support groups - or something. My "gap" in this part of the planning led to the full-bloom expression of my alcoholism. Not everyone has that issue (I had known I did for most of my life) but other behaviors can get just as misused (think: bad relationships repeating a pattern). Anyway - spot on to note that your W has been living with her daddy the whole time. I truly believe this contributed to a certain lack of differentiation (or whatever the right word is in psychology where we break from our parents to become "our own" true personality and self). Keen eye for noticing. I am still working on defining just who I am exactly. It will remain a work in progress, of course, but I'm getting better at knowing my boundaries and definitely am better at maintaining the ones I know.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 19, 2017 15:11:44 GMT -5
greatcoastal , I think you have really hit on something here (above - about the parents - not about the trashcan) I also poured myself into work. I didn't really realize what I was doing at the time but I was very much addressing my need to be needed. And - gross, but I'll be honest - my unconscious desire to be a martyr for the cause (College of Engineering - rather socially awkward faculty professors tasked with doing research who love research but can't stand the application process - I'll bail you out! I'm a hero! Ne'er mind I can get a good lay at home - YOU professors will love me for this) Anyway - my parents don't live close. I visited them but not as often as I would have if my H liked them better and/or if I had been more matured at the time. Instead - I worked my tail off and was very tired when I got home, so any lack of scintillating conversation was fine with me. But then - something happened. I was empty inside and I started to look around and SEE, for the first time in a long time, what was wrong with how I had structured my life. All work and no play (and no sex, even on the horizon). This would coincide with what you - the time that the FOG was lifting. And that is when I found EP (or, roughly that timing). I am so grateful that I woke up. I saw that I was technically a grown woman who was living as a junior partner and not having a whole aspect of my being addressed (needs: emotional and physical ones). When I got out - I was no more mature really and used the only coping mechanism I still clung to, so bad for me but I thought effective, and that was to drink my troubles away. We all know where that led me (AA). Anyway - I can't say enough how each of us contemplating leaving really do need to bulk up our support systems prior to launch. When you get out and have SO much free time on your hands, there needs to be people there - real life, face to face people - to check in with, spend time with, go to divorce support groups - or something. My "gap" in this part of the planning led to the full-bloom expression of my alcoholism. Not everyone has that issue (I had known I did for most of my life) but other behaviors can get just as misused (think: bad relationships repeating a pattern). Anyway - spot on to note that your W has been living with her daddy the whole time. I truly believe this contributed to a certain lack of differentiation (or whatever the right word is in psychology where we break from our parents to become "our own" true personality and self). Keen eye for noticing. I am still working on defining just who I am exactly. It will remain a work in progress, of course, but I'm getting better at knowing my boundaries and definitely am better at maintaining the ones I know. Hear it is :http://themarriageplace.com/2017/01/not-having-sex-in-marriage/#comment-15080 There's a sentence in their about working late, over and over again. That's great advice about surrounding myself with more people. That time is now and will be an ever increasing need as my divorce happens. You will notice how much time I have to be on here. I hope to slack off for good reasons. Taking care of an elderly parent is definitely a noble thing. And should not be seen as a burden. Every case is different. The book "Boundaries in Marriage" has an entire chapter about grandparents becoming intruders in your marriage. Then comes the added burden of setting, and constantly enforcing more boundaries.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jan 21, 2017 20:19:56 GMT -5
"I think we should separate."
"I think you're wrong."
Three and a half hours later, and i just dropped a bag off at a friend's house for the night. She's still in denial that I'm serious, convinced there's something wrong with me, and is probably calling my mom to talk to her about what has to be wrong with me.
Going to the bar I first told my closest friends about the sexless marriage, back over the summer. Poetic. More later- I need a drink.
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Post by baza on Jan 22, 2017 0:56:09 GMT -5
For anyone considering the final talk, note the above very very carefully.
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"I think we should separate." - says Brother CT inviting a discussion.
"I think you're wrong." - says Mrs CT.
Then ensues a 3.5 hour discourse, that appears to have gone no-where.
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It is usually best to keep this final talk very brief, very direct, and as a statement of intent.
"I am divorcing you"
Anyway.
Well done Brother CT, you are potentially on the way.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jan 22, 2017 1:04:07 GMT -5
For anyone considering the final talk, note the above very very carefully. - "I think we should separate." - says Brother CT inviting a discussion. "I think you're wrong." - says Mrs CT. Then ensues a 3.5 hour discourse, that appears to have gone no-where. - It is usually best to keep this final talk very brief, very direct, and as a statement of intent. "I am divorcing you" Anyway. Well done Brother CT, you are potentially on the way. No potentially about it. I'm done. Even if she's not ready to accept that yet. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2017 1:05:33 GMT -5
This is a huge step CT . It takes courage to act and move forward. You should be very proud of yourself.
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Post by lyn on Jan 22, 2017 1:24:07 GMT -5
"I think we should separate." "I think you're wrong." Three and a half hours later, and i just dropped a bag off at a friend's house for the night. She's still in denial that I'm serious, convinced there's something wrong with me, and is probably calling my mom to talk to her about what has to be wrong with me. Going to the bar I first told my closest friends about the sexless marriage, back over the summer. Poetic. More later- I need a drink. This must've been really hard to do but, you did it! I really hope she can be reasonable - in any case, HUGE step cagedtiger! |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jan 22, 2017 3:54:46 GMT -5
Go go go cagedtiger!!! You did it. There will be more to say but shit man...the conversation is done 🙌 This next bit isn't going to be easy either... but your mind is made up. This is the beginning of the rest of your life. Congratulations 🎉🎁🍷🎂🥂🍹🍸🍺🍻🍾🥃😘 |
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Post by Carol on Jan 22, 2017 4:04:13 GMT -5
Glad to hear that you finally did what you had to do. I admire your strength. Hoping some rubs off on me one of these days.
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Post by tamara68 on Jan 22, 2017 5:50:03 GMT -5
Cheers to a new life!
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Post by beachguy on Jan 22, 2017 6:36:52 GMT -5
"I think we should separate."
"I think you're wrong."
You now have validation that you did the right thing. You're on your way to a better life.
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