My Story- Newly Married Into Depression

cagedtiger, I am raising my hand here. Actually, I am jumping up and down and waving my arms.

Shortly after I got married, my wife started hearing voices. They would normally appear right before her period. They were angry ones who told her what an awful person she was and how she could not do anything right. She yelled back at them then at me. I know it wasn't fun for her, but it definitely was not fun for me.

I got her to a psychiatrist, who put her on Seroquel. The voices went away, but her personality left too. Thankfully, my wife gave me permission to talk to her psychiatrist, and I mentioned how she was. He gave her an anti-depressant to go with with the Seroquel. After a week, personality restored!

Still, sex was ok. I wanted children, and my wife got pregnant. Although she discontinued her Seroquel through her pregnancy, somehow she was ok. But the day after the baby was born, the delusions returned. Her post-partum period was living hell. She got back on Risperdahl and an anti-depressant. Unlike Seroquel, Risperdahl did not cause any weight gain. But it did drain her energy.

After a rough pregnancy, my wife was scared of getting pregnant again. She had an opportunity to have her tubes tied but never did. In order to have sex again, I wore a condom. She still panicked each time her period was a minute late. So, to save our marriage, I got a vasectomy. Even after explaining to her that her chances of getting pregnant were equal to her winning the lottery while being struck by lightning while holding a frozen snowball in hell, she still panicked each month. Later, she lost all desire for sex and sank into a depression.

My wife is still in that depression. She sits all day in the dark, barely turning on lights or music. Our apartment is a mess, as she does little housework. She faithfully takes her medicine and sees her psychiatrist, but that is only once every six months for 15 minutes. We have not had sex in two years. She has not seen a gynecologist about her lack of sexual desire. I have since given up and outsourced.

I have survived thanks to the local chapter of the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), which has a support group and classes for those whose loved ones are mentally ill. My outsourcing partners, family, and forums like this have helped tremendously too. I have become a support group facilitator and try to help those in situations like mine.

For years, I went through a vicious cycle of resentment and guilt. I resent her illness, then I feel guilty for resenting it. Personal counseling has helped me deal with that.

I repeat this analogy often - Yes, your wife is sick. It is not her fault. It is not your fault when you get a cold. But when you get a cold, it is your responsibility to wipe the snot from your nose and not to sneeze and cough on others. Your wife has a responsibility to accept her illness and treat it. You can help her, but you can't do it for her.

The lack of sex and the thoughtlessness have broken me down. I am now looking for a way out. Next week, we see a marriage counselor. I will always be there for my wife as a friend and caregiver, but I cannot consider what we have to be a marriage anymore.

Have you ever asked her:
"Why when you initiate sex, you get it every time?"

"When I initiate I get shut down?"
Does she think this is fair?

If you have discussed this what is her response.

You are early enough in the marriage and this is so important, sex is important.

Lay your cards on the table and let her know what you expect otherwise you can just be friends.

I was in a 23 year marriage that I got shut down everytime.
Meanwhile he never got refused. First ten years sexual frequency was about once a month. After that once a year. I was a fool. Don't make my mistake and waste decades of your life.

Things had been getting better, relatively speaking, for a little while during the run-up to the wedding. I honestly thought the worst was behind us, and that the towards trend would continue.

Also, family, society, and community expectations; terrible excuses, I know, but very hard to cleanly escape from. We're both very active and highly placed with an organization we volunteer with together, and are similarly heavily involved within our Church as well- we're looking for a new minister, and I'm a deacon and she's on the search committee. It's not a matter of what others around would think of me, it's a matter of not putting innocent bystanders into bad places as collateral damage. While my mind has started drifting into the territory of exit strategies at the loneliest times, I'm willing to give this one more year of compete and total effort before I pull the ejection handle.

We've had that conversation several times. The most recently was on our way back from an anniversary trip to the mountains, where we slept in separate beds in the hotel room the whole time.

Her usual reason is that she has to feel close to be intimate, whereas she feels I'm wired in the opposite way (sort of, but I chose this screen name for very specific reasons. More on that in the sexually speaking forum later). She's also put on a good bit of weight since we started dating and isn't the least bit comfortable seeing herself even partially unclothed, much less me. And despite my completely sincere assurances that I'm still physically attracted to her and desire her, I believe she still feels very unattractive.

She also tells me fairly regularly that my "energy" annoys her and makes her nervous and anxious, so unless we're sitting still on the couch or in bed, she can't be around me for very long.

Yay! LEXUS46 is back!

Passive aggressive? Sounds like she's blaming your cleaning instead of dealing with her own problems. Not a good sign.

Since you are a deacon, you might want to see what counseling your church or denomination provides. I would also reach other to other clergy members to see what they would recommend. But you can't be passive if your wife is not seeking treatment. For me, that would be an immediate deal breaker. It's just as if she were an alcoholic. You don't enable it. The best thing you can do is leave her.