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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2016 11:56:54 GMT -5
Hi LEXUS46! I really like the look of the new name. All CAPS looks good on you. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 15, 2016 12:08:08 GMT -5
Our honeymoon was in Iceland in May. I think the part about it never going fully dark messed with her. We had sex the first night, and that was it. Did a lot of walking around Reykjavik, rented a car to drive around the countryside a bit, but didn't do nearly the number of things I was interested in doing.
One of my best friends was also there on his honeymoon at the same time, and it's a good thing I wasn't checking my phone while we were there; he and his wife were doing all the things that my wife and I had talked about doing, that she'd found herself unable to go out and do. But then, that's pretty much their marriage in general.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 15, 2016 12:08:41 GMT -5
Yeah my honeymoon was in the mountains in winter, no tv or other distractions. It took 3 days before we had sex up there. I should have known the signs were there. So you've had the conversation and zero result. I can not echo DryCreek 's advice. My initial response was to try to fix and I think I wasted years with that philosophy but there were other factors there. I'm overweight and I can relate to how she feels and empathize with her but the fact that you reassure her that you are attracted still to her there is nothing more you can do to make her feel better about herself. My ex never did that so I probably stayed as long as I did because I thought if my own husband doesn't want me then who would. She has no reason to think that. Maybe suggest marriage counseling. My ex refused to go to marriage counseling three times during a 5 year period. A year later I told him that I would be seeking a divorce and it was too late. Don't get to that point. She will either work to improve things or NOT. This is what you need x,y and z she can either do this or NOT. If NOT then you are not compatible. Sex is the one thing that makes a relationship different from every other relationship we have. I have a lot of male friends and when I realized that my husband was just a friend I knew what I had to do for my future. Set a timetable for yourself and make it clear that she can either get on board your sex filled boat or your ship will be moving on. You have one life don't let the decades pass with the wrong person because you are being nice. Be nice to yourself. Also you mentioned the friends, family, community - from experience - they will think about your divorce for an entire minute and then they are back to their life and their own problems and guess what, most of them have a NORMAL sex life. That's the bottom line, it's not normal and you don't have to accept it. , I wonder if we were on the same honeymoon!! If we had known, we could have just snuck out of our rooms and left our new spouses in front of the TV and had our own honeymoon. But mine was in summer in Yellowstone/Jackson Hole, and I couldn't get her to fuck for the life of me. We did have lots of fun otherwise, but as I've said many times, I knew I was in trouble even before the wedding. I was a sap. Yeah and I wasn't smart enough back then to not get caught but it would have saved me decades of wasted years and yes the marriage wasn't all bad we had good times too and common interests. However my explanation for getting caught would have been the same if I got caught while I outsourced - "what do you expect? I like sex and you don't give it so I went elsewhere". |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 15, 2016 12:24:25 GMT -5
You say you are heavily involved in your church. I understand,and can relate deeply. However ,church and religion can shackle the freedoms that God gave you. The freedom to enjoy sex within the context of marriage. The freedom to laugh, to dance, to share your flaws, warts, problems, sins, flaws, tribulations, openly honestly,and without discretion. You sound like a very giving person. You will learn that most of us here fall into that category. Even rescuers need to be rescued. A marriage, a Christian marriage, is all about giving, AND RECEIVING! Let's look at marriage vows. You both took a pledge. For better or for worse, for richer, or poorer, in sickness and in health, for good and for bad. Everyone of those could change by the end of today. They are beyond your control. Tragedies happen. Fires, car accidents, shootings, heart attacks. Etc... To have and to hold, to cherish, to respect, to submit to each other's needs. These are things that are within your control. (Things the church turns a blind eye to,and thinks you are supposed to tolerate,and be forgiving about). That's not the way Jesus treated kings, rulers, pharasies. Jesus pioneered freedom for all. Get free from a life of bondage. A gift for the taking. Your wife is clearly trampling her vows and you should not tolerate her selfish behavior. Find a different church. More people would be interested in a fun life, if there weren't so many angry Christians. You can have faith again, you can have trust again. Trust in your wife? That ship sank long ago. And I am sorry to say that. Remember freedom . Start taking ground my friend. You can't wear a whit suit into a coal mine,not touch anything, and expect to come out all clean! We take ground by taking risk! Reputation, habits, your relationship. Afraid to mention your problems at church? People say I am not going to that church it's full of hypocrites . Someone spoke up and said " what's one more?" (1Sam. 13: 19-23) Take ground by being disgusted with the situation. Sick of being sick. Don't be disgusted with the situation! Take ground by surrounding yourself with the right people. Find an armor-bearer ( you go ahead I am with you) someone who stays un-known. People who will speak life to your dreams. A critical alie. Be intentional with your discretionary time. Take ground by getting a plan, and working the plan. Remember we all fail. Gods mercy and grace are efficient. 1Sam. 14: 16-23 It's okay to want to quit! Yet refuse to quit! IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE QUITTING, YOU CAN'T LOOSE! You don't dig wells on mountain tops, you dig them in the valley! Quitting is not an option! 1 Sam 30: 10. Prayers for you and your wife!  |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 15, 2016 12:40:47 GMT -5
Some reading material I would suggest for you. ( these books were given to me by other men at my church-mentors) 1). Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Get a highlighter out and ready. You will find yourself saying, " that's me, I go through that!" 2) Wild at Heart Discovering the Secret of a Mans Soul by John Eldredge. The first 70 pages will change your perspective on manhood and religion. I read it again and again. 3) Scandalous Freedom The radical Nature of the Gospel by Steve Brown. I am 2/3 finished with this book. He blows away the traditional ways of old time religion. Stay in touch, hope you find these helpful . Loads of wealthy information, far beyond what I can express. Go find your joy!  |
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 15, 2016 12:52:15 GMT -5
"I'm willing to give this one more year of compete and total effort before I pull the ejection handle.
"What does this mean to you exactly? I think you need to define whose "complete and total effort" you're referring to and what would constitute it in a very granular way. Because so far, it seems like YOU are the one putting in all the effort, and I can tell you this minute (as can everyone else here) that YOU alone cannot fix your marriage. Not to mention, according to your wife, it's all your fault. It's your "energy" (?!?), it's the way you approach her, it's too much pressure, etc. We call this "moving the goalposts." Whatever you do, you can never score. So, let's get down to business. What are some concrete improvements that could take place over the next one year period that would justify the time invested? 1. she would go back to therapy or in some way act on a desire to do something about her depression? 2. she would take responsibility for her feelings of unattractiveness due to weight gain and either get over them or get healthier? Exercise can do wonders both for depression and sex drive. 3. she would try to meet you halfway sexually, so even if you don't magically read her mind and follow the exact script she has for your approach, technique, rhythm, timing etc, you can still have intimacy together? 4. she can go to counseling with you and give it a genuine chance to work? Whatever you put on this list, you have to keep it, check back with it at least monthly and then after a year's time evaluate whether any of your demands are being met. But based on your past behavior, which involves putting everyone else's happiness in front of your own---even people at church who might be temporarily inconvenienced in some way by changes in your personal life (how I don't exactly understand)---are you prepared to work on YOUR own stuff with a therapist or in some way? I am sensing some real issues with self worth, like you don't feel you deserve better unless every single person on earth is in support. Well, everyone will not be supportive, because that's not realistic. Whatever you do in life, someone will complain, misunderstand, make it about them, etc. You don't need global consensus to make choices that are healthy for you. It's okay to put yourself first sometimes.
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Post by LITW on Jun 15, 2016 14:24:01 GMT -5
Yes, I have dealt with that. Your description of your wife pretty much describes my wife..
"My wife, who's the same age as me, has been dealing with pretty severe depression and anxiety for most of the last three years- panic attacks, migraines, almost constant lack of energy, sensitivity to noise and light, lots of days just spent in bed- the whole nine yards. Needless to say, it's been a rough last couple of years for the both of us. "
... except that she has been fighting severe depression and anxiety for the whole 11 years of our marriage. I kept waiting for it to "get better" but it never did. Every two weeks or so she has a day where she has energy to do something, but the rest of the time she can barely get out of her own way. During the periods when she is super sensitive to sound and light, her feelings become very delicate too, and will become upset if I say anything she even remotely construes as being critical of her. Since whatever mood she is in when I leave for work is no guarantee of how she will feel when I get home, I am pretty much walking on eggshells all the time. I cannot just speak my mind, I have to carefully consider everything I say to her so that I am sure its not even remotely critical.
Now that I am 11 years into my marriage, I am convinced this is not going to change, and my hope for a sexually fulfilling relationship is gone. Having given up hope actually helps me deal with it, because since I expect my needs to go unmet, its not disappointing when they aren't. The hard part of being in a marriage like this is that she is not refusing out of meanness, but because she is emotionally (and sometimes physically) incapable of meeting my needs (sexual and otherwise). Do I dump her for that? I don't think so ... she is actually a very kind person when she is feeling well (which is why I married her) and I don't want to break her heart. We have been friends a long time too, and I don't want to throw that friendship out the window either. Plus, having gone through a divorce once, I don't want to go through that again. Basically, I have more reasons to stay than I do to leave.
In your situation though, you have only been married a short time and have not had enough time to build a history with your wife. If you are going to cut and run, now is the time to do it before that history gets made. It will be easier for both of you.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2016 18:23:23 GMT -5
My ex was very depressed to the point of being on disability. She still is.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 15, 2016 19:40:41 GMT -5
Got home from work a couple of hours ago. Talked to my wife for maybe five minutes before she gave me "that look." "You're bothering me." She declared in a weary voice before trekking off to lay on the couch. I'm working from home this evening, and she sent me this pic. I think it kind of sums up what seems to be her view on marriage:  I just know that's what my expectation has been. I just wanted to say thank you for all the thoughtful, brutally honest replies and insights all day today. Y'all definitely come in gloves off, and I really, really appreciate that. I'm looking online at therapists to contact tomorrow morning as I write this, and I'll definitely keep y'all posted on how things keep going. Thank you. I already feel a good bit better, knowing I have people who understand where I'm coming from. |
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Post by unmatched on Jun 15, 2016 19:59:05 GMT -5
You know what, you should say thank you. She is telling you exactly what she wants. Somebody posted a quote up here a few days ago that said, 'When somebody shows you what kind of person they are, believe them. The first time.' (I may have misquoted that a little...) That is what she wants. The question is whether that is something you want or something you can live with for the rest of your life?
When I got married I knew my wife had issues, but I also saw lots of potential there. The person I can still see hiding under those issues is someone I love very much and would be very happy to spend the rest of my life with. BUT ... there is nothing I can do to make that potential a reality, and after 15 years of marriage I came to the conclusion that if my wife chooses her neurosis over everything else, then in the end that is what defines who she is.
People do change, but not very often. And they usually need considerable motivation to do it. Your wife sounds like she is telling you what she wants and who she wants to be. You should listen.
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jun 15, 2016 20:00:35 GMT -5
New poster here, and I've just started dealing with this in the last month or so. I'm outgoing, adventurous, spontaneous, very physically affectionate, and I've always had an incredibly high sex drive. Having a partner who's pretty much the polar opposite of that often makes me feel like I'm slowly dying inside. Has anybody else dealt with this sort of situation? Did it get better, and if so, what made the difference? If not, when did you know it was time to leave? Read the post from dan87 Lost, Confused, sad. He posed a similar situation. Lots of good replies there. Answer to your first question: YES!! and *&^% YES!! Answer to your second question: NO!! and *&^% NO!! Answer to your third question: Nothing you do makes a difference, I am sad to tell you. You are just pulled down and kept in their world, their cavern, their self-imposed prison and you are the care-taker, (but not an appreciated care-taker). You are the buffer to the real world , a buffer so she does not have to actually face the world every day. You work, she never gets better, you rarely get laid. High Sex drive = High frustration Level. You and I and all of us here for that matter have empathy for your wife but you may as well plan to leave. The dying in side is real. It's so painful, you will wither away. Save your self and maybe she'll save herself. But as long as you are there, she will remain as she is. You will do both of you a favor. Don't wait so long that you find out she is pregnant or that you owe alimony as insult to injury. Get convicted and act. Again, check out the post from dan87 for some real truth. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2016 20:03:26 GMT -5
I see too much of my life in this thread...
Starting with a honeymoon where we had sex once and that was rushed by her because she wasn't interested, she was more about where we were (Vienna).
And since, years of back problems, depression, migraines,.... and the meds that go with them... zapped any sexual feelings... 7 years now... I think we are 9 sexual encounters... including a 5.5 year dry spell...the thought of leaving is too hard... but I too have just about given up on having a satisfying and meaningful love/sex life....
She always has something to complain/bee depressed about.....
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jun 15, 2016 20:07:20 GMT -5
Got home from work a couple of hours ago. Talked to my wife for maybe five minutes before she gave me "that look." "You're bothering me." She declared in a weary voice before trekking off to lay on the couch. I'm working from home this evening, and she sent me this pic. I think it kind of sums up what seems to be her view on marriage: I just know that's what my expectation has been. I just wanted to say thank you for all the thoughtful, brutally honest replies and insights all day today. Y'all definitely come in gloves off, and I really, really appreciate that. I'm looking online at therapists to contact tomorrow morning as I write this, and I'll definitely keep y'all posted on how things keep going. Thank you. I already feel a good bit better, knowing I have people who understand where I'm coming from. A therapist for her I hope but otherwise counseling WILL NOT HEAL THIS CIRCUMSTANCE! Only you leaving and her having to become the pursuer. facing that you are in charge and if she wants you for the decent guy you are, she needs to do her part. AND WORK HARD TO GET YOU BACK. Counseling will help you see the inevitable either way. Just don't look for reasons to wait. She told you how she feels. |
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 15, 2016 20:07:21 GMT -5
Well it doesn't get any clearer than that! And it doesn't matter why she wants that type of marriage or if she should. All that matters is if it's what YOU want.
It's so liberating when they finally (sometimes inadvertently) are honest about what they actually want. All the bullshit fades away and you can deal with reality...or not.
Good for you for seeking a therapist, mine is great and has helped me SO MUCH. Wishing you the best of luck with all of it.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 15, 2016 21:36:44 GMT -5
Do you have a link to the post? I can't find him in the users when I searched. |
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