|
Post by cagedtiger on Jun 27, 2016 20:53:32 GMT -5
cagedtiger I invite you to go on a flight of fancy. Imagine a primary adult sexual relationship, where you did not even have the slightest fear about what you might say, or any fear about what the other person might say. How cool would that be. I meant not trusting what I would say in front of my closest friends, because we have one of those Facebook- perfect marriages. I have no reason to worry about what I'd say to her, because she doesn't go out with my friends and I, and if I do come back from a night out of drinking and shenanigans, she's usually passed out on the couch with the TV on, or is in the middle of the bed and I'll go sleep in the spare bedroom then. But yes, I miss what you describe. I've had it before, it's just been a long time.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jun 28, 2016 22:07:45 GMT -5
Fair enough. In my version of the flight of fancy, your missus didn't appear in the picture at all.
|
|
|
Post by cagedtiger on Jun 28, 2016 22:21:54 GMT -5
Fair enough. In my version of the flight of fancy, your missus didn't appear in the picture at all. I picked up on that. I'm not quite there yet, though...
|
|
|
Post by Neotericgal on Jun 29, 2016 0:14:59 GMT -5
We've had that conversation several times. The most recently was on our way back from an anniversary trip to the mountains, where we slept in separate beds in the hotel room the whole time. Her usual reason is that she has to feel close to be intimate, whereas she feels I'm wired in the opposite way (sort of, but I chose this screen name for very specific reasons. More on that in the sexually speaking forum later). She's also put on a good bit of weight since we started dating and isn't the least bit comfortable seeing herself even partially unclothed, much less me. And despite my completely sincere assurances that I'm still physically attracted to her and desire her, I believe she still feels very unattractive. She also tells me fairly regularly that my "energy" annoys her and makes her nervous and anxious, so unless we're sitting still on the couch or in bed, she can't be around me for very long. Yeah my honeymoon was in the mountains in winter, no tv or other distractions. It took 3 days before we had sex up there. I should have known the signs were there. So you've had the conversation and zero result. I can not echo DryCreek 's advice. My initial response was to try to fix and I think I wasted years with that philosophy but there were other factors there. I'm overweight and I can relate to how she feels and empathize with her but the fact that you reassure her that you are attracted still to her there is nothing more you can do to make her feel better about herself. My ex never did that so I probably stayed as long as I did because I thought if my own husband doesn't want me then who would. She has no reason to think that. Maybe suggest marriage counseling. My ex refused to go to marriage counseling three times during a 5 year period. A year later I told him that I would be seeking a divorce and it was too late. Don't get to that point. She will either work to improve things or NOT. This is what you need x,y and z she can either do this or NOT. If NOT then you are not compatible. Sex is the one thing that makes a relationship different from every other relationship we have. I have a lot of male friends and when I realized that my husband was just a friend I knew what I had to do for my future. Set a timetable for yourself and make it clear that she can either get on board your sex filled boat or your ship will be moving on. You have one life don't let the decades pass with the wrong person because you are being nice. Be nice to yourself.Also you mentioned the friends, family, community - from experience - they will think about your divorce for an entire minute and then they are back to their life and their own problems and guess what, most of them have a NORMAL sex life. That's the bottom line, it's not normal and you don't have to accept it. Very well said, speaks volumes to me too, thank you! cagedtiger, my heart goes out to you that you are struggling with how to proceed. Marriage counseling may be an option for you, but as the old saying goes "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" - meaning she needs first acknowledge there is a problem, and want to work on resolving it with you.
|
|
|
Post by cagedtiger on Jul 14, 2016 15:15:21 GMT -5
Thank you again, everybody.
Just got back from my first appointment with my new therapist...
...and in amazing twist of fate that everybody here saw coming, he told me, add I've also come to suspect, that our serious, serious structural issues need professional help to maybe deal with, and barring that, there's not much I can do on my own to save it.
So, we'll get to have a fun talk this weekend.
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Jul 15, 2016 0:35:34 GMT -5
... our serious, serious structural issues need professional help to maybe deal with, and barring that, there's not much I can do on my own to save it. Clearly, your therapist has taken our ILIASM 101 correspondence course. Yeah... When your therapist says "There's really not much more we can do here", it's not a good sign. Been there.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jul 15, 2016 6:07:40 GMT -5
Congratulations! You are gaining ground. If you don't quit, you can't loose. No pain, no gain.
|
|
|
Post by needtoresolve on Jul 21, 2016 14:43:38 GMT -5
Your history sounds very familiar to mine. My wife also suffers from dysthymia, acute depression, chronic pain and anxiety. She is disabled from work and has been for about ten years. She has been in therapy for many years and after the third of her hospitalizations a couple of years ago, she took the last resort step of undergoing Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) treatments. They actually worked to some extent, but the side effects have been a problem. She had the treatments for two years and ended up with a mild traumatic brain injury from the side effects; it messed with her memory. She is able to rebuild the connections to memories but many of them are not immediately available to her.
We have been married for 35 years. We have two adult children who are somewhat estranged from their mother. I have been an unwilling celibate for over 20 years, putting off any kind of healthy relationship with my wife for that day in the future when "she wouldn't be so sick."
Is this a future you're willing to put up with?
You have no children. You do not yet have decades invested in ideas like "maybe if I did this more, she'll come around". Don't be the guy who looks back on his 60th birthday and can't forget that his sex life stopped cold when he was 35. I may be that guy, but you don't have to be.
You Cannot Fix Her. But you can still live a full and happy life. To do so will require that you decide with intention that you are going to do that. That means the status quo is going to change a great deal. It will be upended and you may end up apart. So be prepared to adapt to those changes and to weather the storm that will be inevitable if you are to are to claim the healthy life you should be able to live.
|
|
|
Post by cagedtiger on Dec 21, 2016 12:07:59 GMT -5
I'm coming back to this thread to bring the whole thing full circle, as I sense the end is coming sooner even than I had planned.
All I wanted to do was hold off till after the holidays.
We were in couples counseling this morning. Wife talked about all the good things that had happened over the week. I mentioned her meltdown on Sunday and everything with the house (but didn't bring out the pictures)- and framed it in terms of my still existing concerns.
The question came up if I'm basically keeping a scorecard on things my wife's doing or not doing that determines my likelihood to stay or go. Tried to sidestep the question, failed miserably. We ended up talking about me still not always feeling safe in where we are in the relationship, and still being afraid that it's not going to get and stay better.
When I left to go to work, she was still sitting in her car crying.
I think the ball has started rolling.
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Dec 21, 2016 12:29:06 GMT -5
Putting you on the defensive about "keeping a scorecard on the shit you are dealing with"...
Highly manipulative no matter whose idea it was.
At some point ending the marriage, ASAP, is the compassionate thing to do.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Dec 21, 2016 12:32:25 GMT -5
My head is hung in sorrow for you as I read this.
Then comes the disdain for this councilor. let me get this straight, your wife brings her phony score card, full of her one sided delusional, "good things' that happened, according to her. (probably where she had full control). You mention one thing, one episode, full of facts, and get accused of "keeping a score card."?
Oh that's right, your supposed to let all that go, and sacrifice in the name of "being the man in the marriage".
My head is now lifting , because I am glad that you see the truth in this phony logic.
Yes ,it is about staying or leaving. Making the right choices, and being able to learn and make choices, like an adult.
|
|
harveyspecter
New Member
Once a guy who had a lot to say and little to learn. Now has a lot to learn and little to say.
Posts: 9
|
Post by harveyspecter on Dec 21, 2016 17:37:32 GMT -5
After a rough pregnancy, my wife was scared of getting pregnant again. She had an opportunity to have her tubes tied but never did. In order to have sex again, I wore a condom. She still panicked each time her period was a minute late. So, to save our marriage, I got a vasectomy. Even after explaining to her that her chances of getting pregnant were equal to her winning the lottery while being struck by lightning while holding a frozen snowball in hell, she still panicked each month. Later, she lost all desire for sex and sank into a depression. I wonder how many guys belong to the "I'll get a vasectomy so I can get more sex" club. My wife stated similar issues. Couldn't relax because she might get pregnant. So under the knife I went. That was 8 years ago. Nevertheless, I still post in this forum.
|
|
|
Post by JMX on Dec 21, 2016 19:22:25 GMT -5
After a rough pregnancy, my wife was scared of getting pregnant again. She had an opportunity to have her tubes tied but never did. In order to have sex again, I wore a condom. She still panicked each time her period was a minute late. So, to save our marriage, I got a vasectomy. Even after explaining to her that her chances of getting pregnant were equal to her winning the lottery while being struck by lightning while holding a frozen snowball in hell, she still panicked each month. Later, she lost all desire for sex and sank into a depression. I wonder how many guys belong to the "I'll get a vasectomy so I can get more sex" club. My wife stated similar issues. Couldn't relax because she might get pregnant. So under the knife I went. That was 8 years ago. Nevertheless, I still post in this forum. I would put that on a resume for potential APs! No one wants to guest star on Maury Povich My H will not get one. He's "scared" to. It wouldn't matter so much if every single child we had was not a happy accident. Forget that the last one was conceived in 3 minutes, the one time I had sex that January - while I was on birth control. I love her and grateful for her - but I think I cried for a month when I came up pregnant that time.
|
|
|
Post by cagedtiger on Dec 21, 2016 19:55:19 GMT -5
She's home now. Moving furniture around and crying while I'm holed up in the bedroom with the dogs. I asked if i could help, and she responded that "this day has already been humiliating enough without you seeing me like this."
Not sure if she's just trying to stay busy, or if she's trying to get the spare bedroom to a point where she can sleep in it- I found out a little bit ago she slept on the living room floor for a while last night.
|
|
|
Post by thebaffledking on Dec 21, 2016 19:58:35 GMT -5
Damn! I'm not alone in the 'get a vasectomy' club? Mine was actually up top grinding on me when she said if I got a vasectomy that our sex life would improve radically. She wouldn't let me enter, she was just teasing me (aka CRUEL AF).......so, dutifully went and had the procedure.......sex dropped immediately, well into the 'technically sexless' zone.....and a few years later had stopped altogether with the recommendation that if I wanted sex she was okay if I went and paid for it. HELLO!!!!!!!!
Of course she would deny this 'plan' to her last breath, but it's pretty damn clear to me.
|
|