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Post by cagedtiger on Dec 22, 2016 15:37:36 GMT -5
You seem to be making it harder on yourself by waiting until some random pre selected date in January. She's acting crazy. Why not bolt right now? Who cares what she thinks? Go stay at a hotel while you search for an apartment. Because it's Christmas, and I wanted this to be one last nice experience for her to have during her favorite holiday instead of completely crushing her right before. And because she's a bridesmaid in a wedding on New Years Day. Between those two things, it felt to me like I would be unnecessarily cruel to leave right before that. That's on me, and only on me. |
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Post by wom360 on Dec 22, 2016 16:28:39 GMT -5
So, is this a nice experience for her?
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Post by cagedtiger on Dec 22, 2016 16:34:53 GMT -5
So, is this a nice experience for her? After yesterday, I don't know any more. I think it would've worked out if not for that discussion in our couples counseling. |
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Post by warmways on Dec 22, 2016 20:17:00 GMT -5
I agree with others ct, she needs to process and you can't make her feel better except maybe temporarily- like a band-aid and that would just draw things out. The most respectful thing is to do what you're already doing and be neutral, let her learn to take care of herself. It must be so hard. Don't forget to take care of your own needs while she's going through this.
What your counselor said is so stupid and unprofessional (about your keeping score). Wow, really missed the point there.
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Post by shamwow on Dec 22, 2016 20:53:12 GMT -5
So, is this a nice experience for her? After yesterday, I don't know any more. I think it would've worked out if not for that discussion in our couples counseling. I'd say more like a clear conscience for you. A couple days wont kill anything and if you feel better for it, so much the better. However, the trick is after that day passes not to be "well, Valentines is right around the corner" and then "I can't do anything over Easter", etc... |
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Post by cagedtiger on Dec 22, 2016 21:10:23 GMT -5
warmways, I should have clarified better- that wasn't what the counselor said, those were my wife's words.
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Post by cagedtiger on Dec 22, 2016 22:42:27 GMT -5
...and now she's home and not talking to me again. We're supposed to take off tomorrow for the weekend out of town with the dogs, to a town 8 hours away. Knowing past history, she's waiting for me to talk first and tell her what I want to do (which at this point would be for me to go spend Christmas with my family, and her to spend with hers). But she doesn't want to be the one to make that call, so if I do it, I can be the bad guy.
And I'm really, really sick of playing that game.
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 22, 2016 23:11:39 GMT -5
...and now she's home and not talking to me again. We're supposed to take off tomorrow for the weekend out of town with the dogs, to a town 8 hours away. Knowing past history, she's waiting for me to talk first and tell her what I want to do (which at this point would be for me to go spend Christmas with my family, and her to spend with hers). But she doesn't want to be the one to make that call, so if I do it, I can be the bad guy. And I'm really, really sick of playing that game. If that is what you prefer then just say it. Last year for Thanksgiving I was going through the divorce his parents were coming down and I could not deal with it. So I told him I was going to my parents for Thanksgiving and the kids and him could spend the holiday with his parents. I made the announcement and did what I needed to do at the time for my own sanity. |
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Post by warmways on Dec 22, 2016 23:31:29 GMT -5
Yes, i agree w/bballgirl. I think that you have to look out for number one and let her fight for herself and find her own strength. Do what it takes to keep yourself feeling ok and don't let her drag you down.
You've come really far!
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Post by baza on Dec 23, 2016 0:22:05 GMT -5
Reminds me of two Doctors poised over a corpse.
Neither wants to call time of death on it, both are hoping like hell the other one will - and also deal with the paperwork, and the coroner etc.
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Post by lyn on Dec 23, 2016 0:59:45 GMT -5
...and now she's home and not talking to me again. We're supposed to take off tomorrow for the weekend out of town with the dogs, to a town 8 hours away. Knowing past history, she's waiting for me to talk first and tell her what I want to do (which at this point would be for me to go spend Christmas with my family, and her to spend with hers). But she doesn't want to be the one to make that call, so if I do it, I can be the bad guy. And I'm really, really sick of playing that game. Maybe it's time to do what YOU want to do cagedtiger. She's been doing what SHE wants to do for at least the past year. There's nothing wrong with being honest with her. It does not make you a bad guy or a man lacking empathy. On the contrary. Would it be a pleasant Holiday for everyone involved (family, the two of you, etc) just by showing up in one place together? Probably not. There will always be something. New Years, Valentine's Day, Mardi Gras, you know what I'm saying. Whatever you decide, you have gone above and beyond - done so much for your wife - for your marriage - tried to fix what you couldn't fix, her. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 23, 2016 9:27:03 GMT -5
Dear friend,
Go back to June 15th, when you first started this post. Read through the advise, examples, encouragement, predictions, and words of wisdom sent your way.
With a new year beginning it would be a good time to make a short list. Things you wanted, things you wanted to do or say, what you did or said, what has it gotten you, goals for self improvement next year.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 23, 2016 12:33:49 GMT -5
Dear friend,
I was just in my bathroom tolerating the stench from two days of tampons in the trashcan, and ...I thought of you!
Now....is that the worst thing I could say to anybody? Don't know how else to sugarcoat it!! (head hung in embarrassment) Of all the Charlie Browns in the world....
My point is, Things We will No Longer Miss! You and I should make a list, so when we are back to living alone, are friends are all married, we feel lonely, it would be a good time to pull out the list. Also when we begin to get dangerously close to another woman. Time to re read the list, and see what has been communicated, and what we will settle for.
Here's to 2017!
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Post by eternaloptimism on Dec 23, 2016 12:47:39 GMT -5
Dear friend, I was just in my bathroom tolerating the stench from two days of tampons in the trashcan, and ...I thought of you! Now....is that the worst thing I could say to anybody? Don't know how else to sugarcoat it!! (head hung in embarrassment) Of all the Charlie Browns in the world.... My point is, Things We will No Longer Miss! You and I should make a list, so when we are back to living alone, are friends are all married, we feel lonely, it would be a good time to pull out the list. Also when we begin to get dangerously close to another woman. Time to re read the list, and see what has been communicated, and what we will settle for. Here's to 2017! GC. I don't often say this, so I won't. I'll use abbreviations. FFS TMI! Lol |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 19, 2017 9:03:09 GMT -5
Dear friend, I was just in my bathroom tolerating the stench from two days of tampons in the trashcan, and ...I thought of you! Now....is that the worst thing I could say to anybody? Don't know how else to sugarcoat it!! (head hung in embarrassment) Of all the Charlie Browns in the world.... My point is, Things We will No Longer Miss! You and I should make a list, so when we are back to living alone, are friends are all married, we feel lonely, it would be a good time to pull out the list. Also when we begin to get dangerously close to another woman. Time to re read the list, and see what has been communicated, and what we will settle for. Here's to 2017! GC. I don't often say this, so I won't. I'll use abbreviations. FFS TMI! Lol By the way the trash can is still overflowing, never been emptied. TMI, I know, I know.... LOL |
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