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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 19, 2024 7:28:26 GMT -5
That’s the thing; it will cost me dearly financially since I make a lot more than she does, and courts are usually skewed to the mother/wife anyway. I just have to bide my time until the youngest is on his own in about 7-8 years. In the mean time I just daydream and fantasize about having a wife who likes the touchy feely stuff like I do, a wife who likes the same things sexually as I do, a wife who would think of my needs and wants and not have me nearly beg just to be touched. My wife rarely even gives me a hug anymore. The "college plan" removes the risk of alienation by kids. (as long as they don't live with the spouse, that is) But it'd still be expensive. Spending some of those eight years building strong bonds with the kids could make the college plan worthwhile if that reward is worth the wait. I don't think I'd be up for that, but maybe I'm weak. Anyone getting married today, I'd be imploring them to discuss sexlessness in advance. You need to have agreed upon plans in case of physical or mental incapacity. |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Jan 25, 2024 9:59:46 GMT -5
I have an update!
WOW - I just had an experience with my wife, I surprised her at her work yesterday, knowing it was going to be a stressful day so I picked up a strawberry shake and brought it to her work after lunch. She met me, and was thankful. I could tell her day at work was going to sh*t and she was wanting to isolate. L leaned over, kissed her head and she hugged me - I did something I used to do every day.
I unconsciously grabbed her butt.
She mentioned it when she got home and said they record everything at the hospital - so please don't do that at her work - here is the kicker. - She actually said - save that for at home@!!!!! We cuddled for several hours while she played a game and put my head on her breast while doing so and said she was very comfy (she had PJ's on, but steps are steps) - she held MY hand while sleeping about half the night. I am trying not to overindulge in hopium - but we are one week out from marriage / sexual therapy. Perhaps some of the direct inescapable discussions over the last 2 months have set in and she appears to be trying. (still has clothes on, but steps are steps)
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 25, 2024 20:59:08 GMT -5
That's a combination of multiple gestures.
That's a fine effort. Kudos to her.
So easily could have been just the chastisement about the hospital PDA, then nothin'.
Surely, these bread crumbs cannot be the finished product, but... respect.
That'd be a pretty good day for Mrs. MirrorOrchid and we aren't even technically in an SM anymore. As odd as it sounds, I'm a teensy bit envious.
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diode
Junior Member
Posts: 78 
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Post by diode on Feb 1, 2024 18:22:21 GMT -5
so i am trying to expand my social life with female friends just to go do activities and things i want to do but spouse doesn't. Had a great meeting with a possible new friend but i mentioned my sexless marriage .as she asked about if my marriage was good etc. she has been divorced twice .. and has not had relations in many years tried some online dating but was only weirdos. I felt like crap complaining about no sex........ with someone who admitted she has chosen celibacy. Maybe i should only share my anger /dismay with no sex on here lol I met a fb friend for the first time late last year. The first words out of her mouth were "are you married?" I was open about my life (for the first time with another live human), and she listened. I asked, and she told me of her own split. There were a couple of reciprocal fb likes over then next several months. She wrote nothing; I wrote nothing. I got blocked about a month ago then unblocked a few days ago. Not chasing... People are so complicated. Weird again... She popped back up recently on the fb group where we first got familiar with each other. She liked a few photos/posts, including one or two of mine. Now, she herself is posting again. I haven't reciprocated nor acknowledged, despite appreciating what she has posted. Today, she reacted to a photo I posted on yet another fb group, one for which she would otherwise lack any inherent interest. Given my privacy settings, I don't know how she might have encountered the picture I posted. If there's something somebody wants to say to me, they can just say it. I no longer respond to smoke signals. |
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Post by week5of35years on Feb 2, 2024 3:57:30 GMT -5
I met a fb friend for the first time late last year. The first words out of her mouth were "are you married?" I was open about my life (for the first time with another live human), and she listened. I asked, and she told me of her own split. There were a couple of reciprocal fb likes over then next several months. She wrote nothing; I wrote nothing. I got blocked about a month ago then unblocked a few days ago. Not chasing... People are so complicated. Weird again... She popped back up recently on the fb group where we first got familiar with each other. She liked a few photos/posts, including one or two of mine. Now, she herself is posting again. I haven't reciprocated nor acknowledged, despite appreciating what she has posted. Today, she reacted to a photo I posted on yet another fb group, one for which she would otherwise lack any inherent interest. Given my privacy settings, I don't know how she might have encountered the picture I posted. If there's something somebody wants to say to me, they can just say it. I no longer respond to smoke signals. I think you have the right approach.... imagine a woman who decides that she is interested but her best approach is to mess about and not actually say anything.... well ok.... BUT imagine a person like that IF a relationship/meeting was ever realised... I think it would be a car crash... I just don't get it... if you are available and like someone and want to get to know them more why not just engage in chat etc. all these games stuff is just so much rubbish... |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Feb 20, 2024 13:50:45 GMT -5
Update - OK, so got the news about my Low T, we start marriage and sex therapy today. Last night was cuddles and she engaged in laying on me, shirt up naked back rub. I hope that we are now having open conversation and addressing the hormonal elephant in the room without her usual anger - that we can finally get her to take having her hormones checked and addressed.
Our therapist is very pro sex, and I am sure that my Wife will not want to hear that starving me for what essentially is SM for 15 years did nothing to help maintain my testosterone also (not the sole reason, but less sex, means less T generally).
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Post by aquacat on Feb 20, 2024 15:45:09 GMT -5
Update - OK, so got the news about my Low T, we start marriage and sex therapy today. Last night was cuddles and she engaged in laying on me, shirt up naked back rub. I hope that we are now having open conversation and addressing the hormonal elephant in the room without her usual anger - that we can finally get her to take having her hormones checked and addressed. Our therapist is very pro sex, and I am sure that my Wife will not want to hear that starving me for what essentially is SM for 15 years did nothing to help maintain my testosterone also (not the sole reason, but less sex, means less T generally). I hope your wife will get her hormone levels checked, and I am glad you had yours checked and are looking into treating yours. I posted in your other thread but I am also on TRT. I have asked my wife over and over again to go have her hormones checked and she just won't do it. |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Feb 23, 2024 7:46:58 GMT -5
We just had our first therapy / counseling session this week - and I think it went well. She openly told the therapist we are working on physical closeness, and she is much more relaxed and de-stressed. Hand held through the entire hour and a half session, and eagerly booked the next appointment. Don't want to overload on "hopium" - but physical intimacy was touched upon (no pun intended) and our next session will be focusing on addressing the re-acquisition of that.
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 23, 2024 8:32:26 GMT -5
Update - OK, so got the news about my Low T, we start marriage and sex therapy today. Last night was cuddles and she engaged in laying on me, shirt up naked back rub. I hope that we are now having open conversation and addressing the hormonal elephant in the room without her usual anger - that we can finally get her to take having her hormones checked and addressed. Our therapist is very pro sex, and I am sure that my Wife will not want to hear that starving me for what essentially is SM for 15 years did nothing to help maintain my testosterone also (not the sole reason, but less sex, means less T generally). I hope your wife will get her hormone levels checked, and I am glad you had yours checked and are looking into treating yours. I posted in your other thread but I am also on TRT. I have asked my wife over and over again to go have her hormones checked and she just won't do it. After learning of my low T and doing TRT, I ask my then W to have her hormones checked. She replied, her hormones are fine. So I ask her to consider taking medication to boost her libido on an "as needed" basis. She refuse saying that she took enough medicine to treat her high blood pressure. It's a small sample but when adding in the male refusers here who will not address their ED problems, it seems to make a case for our refuser being perfectly content not needing or wanting sex with us to the extent that they are unwilling to do anything that might result in actual sex happening. And just for the record, my X has not dated or had sex since our seperating 8-9 yrs ago. She did have her one ovary removed. |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Feb 23, 2024 11:35:24 GMT -5
Yes, the hormone issue is already being discussed. The therapist is on board with addressing it directly (we will see how this goes next week). My Wife also has promised to discuss this lack of libido / deadness with her OBGYN as she has avoided it up to this point. I will not settle for comfortable non-sexual love and non-sexual touch. Got to start somewhere (or restart).
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 24, 2024 1:04:43 GMT -5
My Wife also has promised to discuss this lack of libido / deadness with her OBGYN as she has avoided it up to this point. From experience in this forum… give her one shot to address it with her GYN, then insist on attending the next appointment to make sure it happens. The standard playbook is “I’ll ask next time”. DC |
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 26, 2024 6:53:42 GMT -5
Alternately, it is a refuser's job to fix things, whether it be emotional, mental, or physical. It is the refused's job to stay and accept, stay and outsource, or leave. The latter may inspire the former and all the variables are under the refused partner's control. The refuser's behavior is ultimately, not. If hormones and the refused's behavior is all accounted for, we've seen refusals happen regardless, no reason given. Helping with fixes is a hands-on form of "why chasing". Refusing husbands have been responsive to persuasion and active intervention. week5of35years may be the first to have negotiated his way out of SM. Other refusing wives required a credible threat to monogamy (including divorce) to effect change. (as always, Obey the Baza) |
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Mar 9, 2024 13:34:28 GMT -5
Society does indeed perpetuate some unfair assumptions about relationships. I didn't mean to imply judgement of alternative relationships. I had one friend whose wife was honest to her husband about her lack of desire. She didn't want to divorce. She was just done with sex, so she opened the relationship and asked him that he not embarrass her by making his other relationships too obvious. Another friend wasn't getting her needs met by her husband, so she opened up the relationship and encouraged him to find other partners also. In both example cases, it has worked for the couples. I am sure other couples can figure out mutually beneficial alternative relationships. Poly relationships won't work for everyone, but they can work, regardless of societal norms, but some things might be better off kept quiet. Some people just can't accept that what happens in the bedroom is nobody's business except the five people involved. may I direct message you to ask about your two friends who opened their marriages and how that worked for them? I’m at a crossroad in my marriage and would appreciate hearing about others’ experiences with this. Thank you! |
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Post by ironhamster on Mar 10, 2024 1:15:25 GMT -5
My inbox is always open, but might have delays depending on how busy I am.
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 11, 2024 6:00:13 GMT -5
...I had one friend whose wife was honest to her husband about her lack of desire. She didn't want to divorce. She was just done with sex, so she opened the relationship and asked him that he not embarrass her by making his other relationships too obvious. Another friend wasn't getting her needs met by her husband, so she opened up the relationship and encouraged him to find other partners also. In both example cases, it has worked for the couples. I am sure other couples can figure out mutually beneficial alternative relationships. Poly relationships won't work for everyone, but they can work, regardless of societal norms, but some things might be better off kept quiet. Some people just can't accept that what happens in the bedroom is nobody's business except the five people involved. may I direct message you to ask about your two friends who opened their marriages and how that worked for them? I’m at a crossroad in my marriage and would appreciate hearing about others’ experiences with this. Thank you! ILIASM member jerri navigated opening her marriage very well, it seemed. This post describes her process, including missteps and her improvement of the process and some excellent work heading trouble off before it happened: iliasm.org/post/136335/threadFrank, firm discussion about opening their marriage cause two ILIASM members' husbands to reset for extended duration. You may want to be ready for that and think in advance what reaction you'll want to take. |
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