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Post by toughtiger on Sept 7, 2023 11:46:58 GMT -5
Hello All
i came here to talk with people who understand what this is like............ and not be the insane suggestions of "have a date night" crap you get on other sites.
It has helped ...........but i broke the dam.............. and now i am angry more then i was before i found this.
Now this anger is spilling over into small every day items i have blown up on him twice.
Keep telling him we need to settle this or divorce but he is acting like it is over the small items like laundry ...........not that WE do NOT have a marriage but i am roommates with a A hole
i thought venting and talking with like minded people would be a pressure relief but now it was adding gas to a fire. i need to calm my thoughts and let go of this anger.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 7, 2023 12:33:46 GMT -5
Having found your way here and clicking with the message, you are in one of the worst case scenario marriages. Again, welcome to the club. We aren't about "bacon scented candles", or whatever magic ingredient is going to turn things around. I could write a book on everything I tried over decades. I got a LOT of bad advice. The difference between a lot of that advice and our situations is the depth of the problem. It's like they are giving advice on how to fix a scratch on the paint of a car door to someone whose car has been in a major wreck, and the car is undrivable, and may or may not be totaled. So, please do stay in control, stay focused. Figure out your best course of action. If it's not fixable, there is light on the other side. By numbers baza calculated, about 90% of us are happier post-divorce. Some advice I got a long time ago is, "don't let things you can't change bother you." Easier said than done, but, it helped me focus on things I could change. I hope this serves you well also. |
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Post by toughtiger on Sept 7, 2023 13:15:09 GMT -5
Thank you @ ironhamster
i was not expecting a solution ......i just thought if other managed to stay and deal ... i could see how....
as i read more the more i became angry........ that he does not even acknowledge there is a problem.
small other issues just explode ......
i found a lawyer to consult / finished up a legal matter that we were in together/ am looking for a job again although i can get spousal support. waiting to talk to lawyer about how much that might be.
Blocked him on my phone....
and spent whole evening at other side of house. will not talk to him again.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 7, 2023 14:12:58 GMT -5
YVW, toughtigerYou have every right to be angry, but try to choose not to, because odds are it will affect you more than it does him. You want a clear head because you are making important decisions. I have heard it said, holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. |
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Post by h on Sept 7, 2023 14:20:25 GMT -5
You caught on much faster than I did. It took me several weeks to get to the point of anger. It will pass eventually so don't get overwhelmed.
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Post by anotherdavid on Sept 7, 2023 16:17:42 GMT -5
Hello All i came here to talk with people who understand what this is like............ and not be the insane suggestions of "have a date night" crap you get on other sites. It has helped ...........but i broke the dam.............. and now i am angry more then i was before i found this. Now this anger is spilling over into small every day items i have blown up on him twice. Keep telling him we need to settle this or divorce but he is acting like it is over the small items like laundry ...........not that WE do NOT have a marriage but i am roommates with a A hole i thought venting and talking with like minded people would be a pressure relief but now it was adding gas to a fire. i need to calm my thoughts and let go of this anger. Maybe check out the work of Bryon Katie - her book is called Loving What Is and I have it on Audible, but she has loads of free stuff on YouTube. I found it really helpful way to understand the misery my thoughts are causing me. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 19, 2023 19:24:38 GMT -5
12 days later, I hope you're not quite as furious.
I found that planning to outsource lifted so much of my anger at my wife and teh situation.
I was hoping that pursuing a divorce would do the same for you.
The situation will be over soon.
When you have your answer and you're implementing it, being angry now is a lot like being mad about something that happened yesterday. It doesn't matter. It doesn't serve a purpose. Patience will win the day and your tomorrow will allow progress towards something you prefer. Now is a good time. It is that much closer to a life you control.
Time past, the short time yet to go? Both have no effect on your relatively near future.
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Post by aquacat on Sept 19, 2023 20:48:10 GMT -5
I’m getting back to the resentment emotion I forgave her earlier in the year for. I mentioned earlier today that it has been a while since we last had us time and her response was “I know, trust me I haven’t forgotten about it.” She said it in her sarcastic tone which means she got irritated that I even mentioned it. I tried snuggling with her yesterday and she immediately got upset thinking I was initiating.
I understand completely.
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Post by toughtiger on Sept 20, 2023 9:31:20 GMT -5
So it has been a couple weeks my anger is more in control ... thanks for all the responses...
i was busy with other things and let it build had to take some me time.
I had some time to video date with my online friend so to speak and made a world of difference.
I think my outburst scared him that i am not really going to stay.
He is making effort to do other items but as i said in another thread ... other items like dinners out and events does not make up for no intimacy.
Told me he would do more for his health and consult his doctor but i just shook my head like yeah sure heard that one before.
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Post by h on Sept 21, 2023 7:27:18 GMT -5
So it has been a couple weeks my anger is more in control ... thanks for all the responses... i was busy with other things and let it build had to take some me time. I had some time to video date with my online friend so to speak and made a world of difference. I think my outburst scared him that i am not really going to stay. He is making effort to do other items but as i said in another thread ... other items like dinners out and events does not make up for no intimacy. Told me he would do more for his health and consult his doctor but i just shook my head like yeah sure heard that one before. I've heard dozens of promises to change that have never been kept. I don't expect anything anymore. The lack of expectations has helped some with my mood. I know she's never going to change and have accepted that. It looks like you're coming to the same place. |
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Post by toughtiger on Sept 22, 2023 10:25:18 GMT -5
so i am trying to expand my social life with female friends just to go do activities and things i want to do but spouse doesn't.
Had a great meeting with a possible new friend but i mentioned my sexless marriage .as she asked about if my marriage was good etc. she has been divorced twice .. and has not had relations in many years tried some online dating but was only weirdos.
I felt like crap complaining about no sex........ with someone who admitted she has chosen celibacy. Maybe i should only share my anger /dismay with no sex on here lol
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 22, 2023 13:27:25 GMT -5
"I felt like crap complaining about no sex........ with someone who admitted she has chosen celibacy. Maybe i should only share my anger /dismay with no sex on here lol"
For years, I didn't share about my sexless marriage. I didn't even share on-line because I didn't find EP, ILIASM's predecessor, until 2 weeks after I divorced. However, when I was still married and started sharing with women and gay friends, I got a lot of support, including from a friend who is asexual. I also learned -- from the shock my other friends expressed about my having had no sex for years-- how dysfunctional my marriage was. My parents had stopped having sex by the time I was about 8 years old when I moved into my mom's bedroom and my dad took over my bedroom. Thus, to me, I'd thought that having a sexless marriage was to be expected. My friends also reassured me that I'm not a sexually repulsive person. That also helped a lot.
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 22, 2023 13:30:25 GMT -5
So it has been a couple weeks my anger is more in control ... thanks for all the responses... i was busy with other things and let it build had to take some me time. I had some time to video date with my online friend so to speak and made a world of difference. I think my outburst scared him that i am not really going to stay. He is making effort to do other items but as i said in another thread ... other items like dinners out and events does not make up for no intimacy. Told me he would do more for his health and consult his doctor but i just shook my head like yeah sure heard that one before. Just so i can be sure where you stand when it comes to actually being intimate with your H. Let's say he does see his Dr. and gets some Testosterone and starts to recover his libido. What will you do if he shows up in an amerous mood some night? |
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Post by toughtiger on Sept 22, 2023 15:10:26 GMT -5
@worksforme Interesting question and one i have asked myself .....
right now the anger at his not addressing it and he let me feel his libido issues was my fault for a long time before confessing a medical issue.... so i still think that was a jerk move.
I still have reservations because he could have helped situation by other methods or even naked cuddling would have been appreciated but he chose to lie ... then stall any discussion about treatment.
part of me might want to resume but logically i think doing so quickly would make him feel it was OK how he handled this whole thing.
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diode
Junior Member
Posts: 78 
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Post by diode on Sept 22, 2023 20:44:18 GMT -5
so i am trying to expand my social life with female friends just to go do activities and things i want to do but spouse doesn't. Had a great meeting with a possible new friend but i mentioned my sexless marriage .as she asked about if my marriage was good etc. she has been divorced twice .. and has not had relations in many years tried some online dating but was only weirdos. I felt like crap complaining about no sex........ with someone who admitted she has chosen celibacy. Maybe i should only share my anger /dismay with no sex on here lol I met a fb friend for the first time late last year. The first words out of her mouth were "are you married?" I was open about my life (for the first time with another live human), and she listened. I asked, and she told me of her own split. There were a couple of reciprocal fb likes over then next several months. She wrote nothing; I wrote nothing. I got blocked about a month ago then unblocked a few days ago. Not chasing... People are so complicated. |
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