An unintended side effect

Yes, in that circumstance you are likely to get a divorce anyway. That was my logic in weighing pros and cons before opening my relationship. To some extent, if I'm honest about it, there were issues lingering from the affair too - she'd gone on a sexual adventure and left me behind, when all I'd wanted if our present sexual connection had been lost was to embark on such an adventure TOGETHER.  Or, if she didn't want any, to have an option to have something myself.  I weighed that against the downside of CERTAIN divorce - we had already agreed to split and reversed that decision when I agreed to HER pitch.  But ... and I'm a practical person, for all intents and purposes an atheist ... I felt the cost of the open relationship exceeded the benefit. 

WHY?

It had little to do with how society views it. It was about the reasons why sex wasn't happening, and (likely no coincidence) the reasons why the open relationship was unfolding in a manner as to take the hardest possible way to do it.  The reason the open relationship was hard was likely the same reason the sex wasn't happening - because she didn't want to be married to me, and I'd been wearing the face of her jailor for over a decade by then. Forget the marriage for a moment and look at the relationship itself, the place you come home to and live.

There was a point once I realized all this - that there is no way to regain an attraction once contempt and disgust set in - that I didn't want to spend another second sleeping beside her. I could barely look at this person who resented me so much, and for so long.  I sometimes sat on my front porch step for a long time before going in to face her.  And then I thought, what if this now is how she felt for the past 5 years? Maybe she'd think she was the hero in lasting that long, and having her affair, and in doing everything she did - and somehow I was the villain in making it not good enough.

It's just awful.  And yet, outside of that relationship, I had wonderful experiences and a positive, loving, intimate relationship with my paramour, where I felt cherished and like I belonged. Once or twice a month, and every day talking with her.  

I learned I can have relationships and was attractive and good at things I thought I wasn't. I had an adventurous sex life with a stunningly attractive woman. I learned that from other people.
But at home, I felt like shit. 

So what I learned from all this was you can open the relationship and have sex in your life, if you are lucky and work on yourself, but that it doesn't solve the problem of the marriage. Most of the time it was shining a spotlight on how awful it was. Not much to do with society's view, which was another layer on top of that.

Take happiness when and where you find it. None of us are promised tomorrow. If the 2 of you even partially fill a void in each others lifes you ar both better off for it.

mirrororchid , respectfully, then what generally do you think motivates an otherwise normal person who had a normal sex life at one point, to completely override even their own libido and choose celibacy with their own partner, even when their marriage, family, house, lifestyle are on the line? And then, when the dust clears, resume sex and even fulsome romantic relationships and marriages with subsequent partners?

I've been single and celibate at times, and I can say that there are some advantages to that over existing in a relationship that's toxified to the point that someone would rather burn her house and life down than express intimacy with me. I mean, that really SAYS SOMETHING about how someone feels about the marriage or the relationship or the person. The WHY may be unknowable, and may often be beside the point in terms of what happens next, but it doesn't mean that it's not important or intuited. If, as a single man, someone isn't into me that way, that's not an Apocalyptic scenario as it is if my own wife doesn't see me as a viable sexual partner. I may not know the reason I've ceased to be that, but it doesn't mean I don't live with the knowledge that there IS a reason and that reason is more than, "meh". And we're both just marinating in whatever that unspoken thing is.  It's soul crushing, it's like living in a toxic dump.

It has been a full two years of sexless marriage ..... but we have 39 yrs together ........
he was losing ability in a low T issue and then diagnosed with a-fib and medications killed anything left.
he thinks all is well like i should just accept his issue ... but he will not cuddle or even make me feel attractive or wanted.... he sees zero problem with this 

i read up on all his medical and such . but articles said talk to your doctor which he has never done ... should have done that yrs ago when things started to go downhill.
I feel it may sound like i am a B .........but seriously this all would have went better if he was HONEST yrs ago
made me feel i was the issue ... not so ..........   makes me feel i am asking to much for even a scrap of intimacy ...... now his fake  hug or touch feels like a stranger .... ( he does this in company of others to hide the complete disconnect in our marriage. )

refuses to talk about it ..... i have adult toys i had suggested as a couples thing ........his feeling is "you have that leave me the hell alone" ... let alone any other item like oral etc. 

He lies like a rug when we speak of this tells me "he wants me as much as always and don't i think this is hard on him too..? " 
  NO i do not since any item he does not want to deal with he PRETENDS it does not exist until it blows up in his face and he has NO option but deal with it....

I honestly think he has tried to spy on me on another forum ...... since he said awkward thing ... awkward in it was verbatim of what was said there.
i seldom go back there. 
 i responded to What I think was his fake account  that  asked"   can  his situation be saved"    I told him "NOPE too little too late if she is not connected emotionally  anymore ." ..

he is petty and pissed off like a spoiled child since then ...... he runs normal to cold and every discussion started he needs to use the restroom or let dog out or a frantic i forgot to call someone about work etc.   I do not expect anything to be better just want to be civil and him to get that i want a sex life period. If he cannot even look into it or make other things work that accept my outsource idea. 

I am at over 2,400 days of zero sex or physical intimacy. Lots of sex and affection before marriage and for about 3-4 years.  Started being less and less about 15 years ago. I chalked it up to kids, stay at home wife, stress, etc.. No - it was the beginning of less and less until nothing. No kisses beyond a cheek peck, no nudity, no real cuddling (always something between us, etc..). I of course being frustrated and angry have been instructed to work through my "anger issues" (who wouldn't be angry after years of no touch, no affection). She stated we will never have sex again, she doesn't want it - it's no big deal anyway, we can have emotional and intellectual intimacy. She has made recent moves to cuddle a little more, reach out and hold hands, but no real touching that would risk intimacy. We have 5 kids (1 step son, 4 adopted siblings with only 2 left in the house), and of course Perimenopause for at least 5+ years with no end in sight.

I am reaching my point of just giving up. My Therapist agrees it is unreasonable to expect forced celibacy as that is not a marriage, she understands why I am frustrated and yes, I have addressed my anger issues and have moved past that. There is a building resentment though that is going to lead most likely to divorce because she simply won't take her walls down and confront her lifestyle choice of celibacy and disconnection. I am at a loss. seems like it is a conscious decision on her part to destroy our marriage, she got what she wanted and now wants to focus on "self care" (using her words).

Looking for an in person support group for sexless married people locally - perhaps that will help.

Lonelyhubby, while I am only about a year into no sex or intimacy with my wife of 43+ years, I feel your pain and can relate to much of your post. Wondering how you are dealing with 6+ years of no sex…although you don’t state your age, I assume you still have the urge and desire for sex? I’m 74 and my wife is 67 but I apparently have a much stronger sex drive than she (who I suspect has become asexual) and have resorted to solo sex as my “go to” method for coping with this sad situation.

My wife and I have grown apart in many ways through the years, and the pandemic brought things to a head. She is an avid anti-vaxxer who listens to internet quacks every night to bolster her beliefs while I rely on my professional health care providers and am fully vaxxed and recently got the new booster after a visit with my primary care doctor who reminded me of my high risk status due to my age. Pretty sure my wife justifies avoiding physical contact with me for fear of “vaccine shedding” from my regular boosters. We did try counseling but found it of limited value as the counselor said we were both right…that I was being understandably prudent by being vaccinated, masking and avoiding crowds while she was within her own rights to make her own health care decisions. I took the vaccine while she took Ivermectin.🙄

Also, while I am a lifelong liberal Democrat, she recently changed her party affiliation to Republican so she could vote for our current governor and presidential candidate whom I despise.

The good news is we have grandchildren who bring much joy, and we both are enjoying our retirement in Florida. She goes to her daily yoga class and fills her time with lunches with girlfriends and being active in our HOA while I am happy with my daily solo bike rides.

It is said “misery enjoys company” which brings us all to this forum, looking for ways to grok with this unfortunate circumstance of living in a sexless marriage. I wish you well going forward!