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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 18, 2024 7:01:01 GMT -5
aquacat It will cost you dearly. If the cost is too high, then "Stay and accept" is your answer and developing a life largely independent of your wife is the path forward. Is the cost too high? Having an answer is the next best thing to a fix. m76 That sounds like a recipe for "as long a delaying tactic as I can manage." Keep expectations in check, perhaps having milestones in mind. You need not share them. Just be mindful of what's tolerable and watch for moving goalposts. Then you can ask yourself teh same question aquacat has. Is the price too high? Or is intimate companionship worth the crushing blow? DryCreek The "failure to launch" basement dweller analogy is terrific; as is the nouveau lesbian (gay husband)
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m76
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Post by m76 on Jan 18, 2024 7:55:52 GMT -5
aquacat It will cost you dearly. If the cost is too high, then "Stay and accept" is your answer and developing a life largely independent of your wife is the path forward. Is the cost too high? Having an answer is the next best thing to a fix. m76 That sounds like a recipe for "as long a delaying tactic as I can manage." Keep expectations in check, perhaps having milestones in mind. You need not share them. Just be mindful of what's tolerable and watch for moving goalposts. Then you can ask yourself teh same question aquacat has. Is the price too high? Or is intimate companionship worth the crushing blow? DryCreek The "failure to launch" basement dweller analogy is terrific; as is the nouveau lesbian (gay husband) I'm definitely watching for progress. And I'm doing everything in my power to make sure that I'm not making her uncomfortable. I don't have high expectations given that what she told me she was willing to do was so different then what she told the therapist what she was willing to do. It hasn't even been a week yet so I'm not expecting to jump right into sex. |
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Post by toughtiger on Jan 18, 2024 9:34:28 GMT -5
From a woman's perspective .... i have not met someone who openly claimed they were Asexual ... think it is a general excuse that people assume no one will question or IF they dare ask they are the closed minded non accepting person ..... talk about turning tables.
I had many women friends whom hated sex... I told this before but one person i told her things i did positions etc and once she had a good experience she was not avoiding it like crazy.... tell others IF they share their issue to try various things..learn about themselves and their body.
It is not about the partner (usually ) but women needs to be in tune with what turns them on and what they want.... and that does change with age.
... things that worked at 20 may not feel the same at 40. I do NOT think it is ok to marry and have someone be a beard for a persons Asexual label. ......... perhaps the woman did want a child....... but no more then that.
UNLESS they tell u at wedding and you agree to long life of no or bad sex.
How does a person go through early dating/ marriage and having sex often then go to nothing and decide they are Asexual and never want sex..... makes no sense to me.
IF they want to fix this they need to find why..... perhaps this designation came about after the menopause excuse was wearing thin or could be reversed with hormone treatments. No longer a one size fits all where the word menopause was "ahhh ok yeah it is over"........ what is Crazy enough is so many still believe this.
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m76
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Post by m76 on Jan 18, 2024 10:30:11 GMT -5
From a woman's perspective .... i have not met someone who openly claimed they were Asexual ... think it is a general excuse that people assume no one will question or IF they dare ask they are the closed minded non accepting person ..... talk about turning tables. I had many women friends whom hated sex... I told this before but one person i told her things i did positions etc and once she had a good experience she was not avoiding it like crazy.... tell others IF they share their issue to try various things..learn about themselves and their body. It is not about the partner (usually ) but women needs to be in tune with what turns them on and what they want.... and that does change with age. ... things that worked at 20 may not feel the same at 40. I do NOT think it is ok to marry and have someone be a beard for a persons Asexual label. ......... perhaps the woman did want a child....... but no more then that. UNLESS they tell u at wedding and you agree to long life of no or bad sex. How does a person go through early dating/ marriage and having sex often then go to nothing and decide they are Asexual and never want sex..... makes no sense to me. IF they want to fix this they need to find why..... perhaps this designation came about after the menopause excuse was wearing thin or could be reversed with hormone treatments. No longer a one size fits all where the word menopause was "ahhh ok yeah it is over"........ what is Crazy enough is so many still believe this. So in the beginning a thought my wife really desired sex because we did it often, but that was when the relationship was new. I've found out some more details recently. Things like she's never felt a physical attraction to anyone, man or woman. She rarely if ever gets aroused. She had sex with me because she knew how much I enjoyed it. When we did have sex I was always attentive with lots of foreplay and I know she enjoyed it in the momement but there was never any anticipation. I've also recently found out that around the time the sex life died she would get UTI's or yeast infections after sex. We've found out just this year that she has type II diabetes that was likely the cause that went undiagnosed for years. So I think this is where the "ick" factor for her came into play. Combine that with a lack of arousal of any kind she just never wanted to have sex. She may never want to have sex again but now that this has all been discovered and we're working with a therapist maybe we can start over. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 18, 2024 12:32:30 GMT -5
From a woman's perspective .... i have not met someone who openly claimed they were Asexual ... think it is a general excuse that people assume no one will question or IF they dare ask they are the closed minded non accepting person ..... talk about turning tables. I had many women friends whom hated sex... I told this before but one person i told her things i did positions etc and once she had a good experience she was not avoiding it like crazy.... tell others IF they share their issue to try various things..learn about themselves and their body. It is not about the partner (usually ) but women needs to be in tune with what turns them on and what they want.... and that does change with age. ... things that worked at 20 may not feel the same at 40. I do NOT think it is ok to marry and have someone be a beard for a persons Asexual label. ......... perhaps the woman did want a child....... but no more then that. UNLESS they tell u at wedding and you agree to long life of no or bad sex. How does a person go through early dating/ marriage and having sex often then go to nothing and decide they are Asexual and never want sex..... makes no sense to me. IF they want to fix this they need to find why..... perhaps this designation came about after the menopause excuse was wearing thin or could be reversed with hormone treatments. No longer a one size fits all where the word menopause was "ahhh ok yeah it is over"........ what is Crazy enough is so many still believe this. So in the beginning a thought my wife really desired sex because we did it often, but that was when the relationship was new. I've found out some more details recently. Things like she's never felt a physical attraction to anyone, man or woman. She rarely if ever gets aroused. She had sex with me because she knew how much I enjoyed it. When we did have sex I was always attentive with lots of foreplay and I know she enjoyed it in the momement but there was never any anticipation. I've also recently found out that around the time the sex life died she would get UTI's or yeast infections after sex. We've found out just this year that she has type II diabetes that was likely the cause that went undiagnosed for years. So I think this is where the "ick" factor for her came into play. Combine that with a lack of arousal of any kind she just never wanted to have sex. She may never want to have sex again but now that this has all been discovered and we're working with a therapist maybe we can start over. Ever hear the term "greysexual"? www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/greysexual#what-it-meansMy ex might have fallen into this category. She was hot and ready for sex when she wanted to procreate ( have a baby) She could turn the switch on for a few days and then turn it back off permanently. There is also many of her lesbian, butch like, manly, qualities and characteristics...but that's a whole nother topic! |
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m76
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Post by m76 on Jan 18, 2024 14:03:48 GMT -5
So in the beginning a thought my wife really desired sex because we did it often, but that was when the relationship was new. I've found out some more details recently. Things like she's never felt a physical attraction to anyone, man or woman. She rarely if ever gets aroused. She had sex with me because she knew how much I enjoyed it. When we did have sex I was always attentive with lots of foreplay and I know she enjoyed it in the momement but there was never any anticipation. I've also recently found out that around the time the sex life died she would get UTI's or yeast infections after sex. We've found out just this year that she has type II diabetes that was likely the cause that went undiagnosed for years. So I think this is where the "ick" factor for her came into play. Combine that with a lack of arousal of any kind she just never wanted to have sex. She may never want to have sex again but now that this has all been discovered and we're working with a therapist maybe we can start over. Ever hear the term "greysexual"? www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/greysexual#what-it-meansMy ex might have fallen into this category. She was hot and ready for sex when she wanted to procreate ( have a baby) She could turn the switch on for a few days and then turn it back off permanently. There is also many of her lesbian, butch like, manly, qualities and characteristics...but that's a whole nother topic! Grey sexual seems to have a pretty wide range of characteristics, but some it definitely fits. |
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Post by angeleyes65 on Jan 18, 2024 15:22:15 GMT -5
That anger was my catalyst for getting out. The fact that it wasn't all good but the sex...it all sucked. Living with someone that doesn't care about your wants and needs. Being a maid, accountant, personal secretary and chef to a room mate that you don't like. exactly i could put up with many things when our sex life was good as it got worse still able to let small things go ... now it is gone nope every little annoyance and problem intensified. IT all boils down to your sentence. "Living with someone that doesn't care about your wants and needs. Being a maid, accountant, personal secretary and chef to a room mate that you don't like." For Some unexplained reason he is trying harder in some areas but too little too late and still not improvement in the right areas. he has tried to help more around house... but burns things IF he cooks etc. i am torn sometimes it is no longer about "the talk " but just want him to KNOW i am not OK with things... i go to bed early often for "self care" time as i sleep better afterwards and he is always stay up ... for What? watching you play video games and watch bad TV... or worse yet movies with sex scenes to rub in what i am missing. Honestly I debate in just telling him "sorry i have an appointment with my vibrator sit there like a lump and do what ever you do." I have literally taken care of myself with him in the bed lol. If he felt the bed shake he never let it be known. Ours started with video games, then porn... not fun to be 2nd to a game or picture. |
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Missingout
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Post by Missingout on Jan 18, 2024 17:07:55 GMT -5
exactly i could put up with many things when our sex life was good as it got worse still able to let small things go ... now it is gone nope every little annoyance and problem intensified. IT all boils down to your sentence. "Living with someone that doesn't care about your wants and needs. Being a maid, accountant, personal secretary and chef to a room mate that you don't like." For Some unexplained reason he is trying harder in some areas but too little too late and still not improvement in the right areas. he has tried to help more around house... but burns things IF he cooks etc. i am torn sometimes it is no longer about "the talk " but just want him to KNOW i am not OK with things... i go to bed early often for "self care" time as i sleep better afterwards and he is always stay up ... for What? watching you play video games and watch bad TV... or worse yet movies with sex scenes to rub in what i am missing. Honestly I debate in just telling him "sorry i have an appointment with my vibrator sit there like a lump and do what ever you do." I have literally taken care of myself with him in the bed lol. If he felt the bed shake he never let it be known. Ours started with video games, then porn... not fun to be 2nd to a game or picture. Couldn't imagine laying in bed beside me masturbating and doing nothing. Bogles my mind how a man could do that... |
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Post by isthisit on Jan 18, 2024 18:37:49 GMT -5
exactly i could put up with many things when our sex life was good as it got worse still able to let small things go ... now it is gone nope every little annoyance and problem intensified. IT all boils down to your sentence. "Living with someone that doesn't care about your wants and needs. Being a maid, accountant, personal secretary and chef to a room mate that you don't like." For Some unexplained reason he is trying harder in some areas but too little too late and still not improvement in the right areas. he has tried to help more around house... but burns things IF he cooks etc. i am torn sometimes it is no longer about "the talk " but just want him to KNOW i am not OK with things... i go to bed early often for "self care" time as i sleep better afterwards and he is always stay up ... for What? watching you play video games and watch bad TV... or worse yet movies with sex scenes to rub in what i am missing. Honestly I debate in just telling him "sorry i have an appointment with my vibrator sit there like a lump and do what ever you do." I have literally taken care of myself with him in the bed lol. If he felt the bed shake he never let it be known. Ours started with video games, then porn... not fun to be 2nd to a game or picture. I did this too! I started off covertly, afraid he would notice… until I got super cross about having to do it at all. Looking back at this point, I think I was no longer willing to hide and would have relished a conversation about why exactly I was having to self service at all- isn’t it your job anyway? Just like your H, mine resolutely failed to notice his wife orgasming next to him time after time. Or did he? I guess I will never know, which is fine because I don’t care these days. All in my rear view mirror. |
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Missingout
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Post by Missingout on Jan 18, 2024 18:46:26 GMT -5
From a woman's perspective .... i have not met someone who openly claimed they were Asexual ... think it is a general excuse that people assume no one will question or IF they dare ask they are the closed minded non accepting person ..... talk about turning tables. I had many women friends whom hated sex... I told this before but one person i told her things i did positions etc and once she had a good experience she was not avoiding it like crazy.... tell others IF they share their issue to try various things..learn about themselves and their body. It is not about the partner (usually ) but women needs to be in tune with what turns them on and what they want.... and that does change with age. ... things that worked at 20 may not feel the same at 40. I do NOT think it is ok to marry and have someone be a beard for a persons Asexual label. ......... perhaps the woman did want a child....... but no more then that. UNLESS they tell u at wedding and you agree to long life of no or bad sex. How does a person go through early dating/ marriage and having sex often then go to nothing and decide they are Asexual and never want sex..... makes no sense to me. IF they want to fix this they need to find why..... perhaps this designation came about after the menopause excuse was wearing thin or could be reversed with hormone treatments. No longer a one size fits all where the word menopause was "ahhh ok yeah it is over"........ what is Crazy enough is so many still believe this. I'm a firm believer of a lot of woman not knowing there bodies.. as we age they seem to not care anymore.. I'm still like a kid in a candy shop when it comes to sex. Even if I have been at the same candy shop and eaten all they offer🤪😂 for all these years. It's an escape for me. I could be having the worse day ever and that was an easy fix to it. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 18, 2024 20:13:28 GMT -5
I'm definitely watching for progress. And I'm doing everything in my power to make sure that I'm not making her uncomfortable. There is a bit of double-edged sword here… if she is not forced out of her comfort zone, her motivation will be to maintain status-quo. However, if you are the person holding her accountable for change, that creates a dynamic where sex is a point of contention (as it probably has been); that works against your interest. You have an opportunity for the therapist to play a key role here, in the form of holding W accountable with homework assignments. It puts you in a different light where you are collaborating with her to achieve a goal and she can deliver a positive report. The two of you vs the therapist. You would, of course, need to have a private discussion with the therapist to tee this up. DC |
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 18, 2024 20:39:30 GMT -5
... things that worked at 20 may not feel the same at 40. …. How does a person go through early dating/ marriage and having sex often then go to nothing and decide they are Asexual and never want sex..... makes no sense to me. There are some elements of self-fulfilling prophecy… First, the frequency drops for whatever reason, physical atrophy begins and the rare PIV is legitimately unpleasant. Or for guys, ED sets in because they no longer view their wife sexually. In both cases, their sex-avoidant behavior is reinforced. Both are fixable, but they can’t be bothered to make an effort. Asexuality… is a convenient trump card. “I’m avoidant, so I must be asexual”. And “my body, my choice” and societal pressure all say they are to be accepted at face value; they feel entitled to their change in course with no consequences. Frankly, there are elements of laziness / selfishness / sadism that allow them to ignore their spouse’s agony while leeching the benefits they enjoy. But the bottom line is because it is, sadly, socially acceptable behavior. DC |
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m76
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Post by m76 on Jan 18, 2024 21:24:24 GMT -5
... things that worked at 20 may not feel the same at 40. …. How does a person go through early dating/ marriage and having sex often then go to nothing and decide they are Asexual and never want sex..... makes no sense to me. There are some elements of self-fulfilling prophecy… First, the frequency drops for whatever reason, physical atrophy begins and the rare PIV is legitimately unpleasant. Or for guys, ED sets in because they no longer view their wife sexually. In both cases, their sex-avoidant behavior is reinforced. Both are fixable, but they can’t be bothered to make an effort. Asexuality… is a convenient trump card. “I’m avoidant, so I must be asexual”. And “my body, my choice” and societal pressure all say they are to be accepted at face value; they feel entitled to their change in course with no consequences. Frankly, there are elements of laziness / selfishness / sadism that allow them to ignore their spouse’s agony while leeching the benefits they enjoy. But the bottom line is because it is, sadly, socially acceptable behavior. DC Asexuality is a pretty good Trump card but doesn't beat mine of walking away if there's no improvement. It's 100% her choice to not have sex. Just as it's my choice to not live celibate. |
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Post by aquacat on Jan 18, 2024 22:06:11 GMT -5
aquacat It will cost you dearly. If the cost is too high, then "Stay and accept" is your answer and developing a life largely independent of your wife is the path forward. Is the cost too high? Having an answer is the next best thing to a fix. m76 That sounds like a recipe for "as long a delaying tactic as I can manage." Keep expectations in check, perhaps having milestones in mind. You need not share them. Just be mindful of what's tolerable and watch for moving goalposts. Then you can ask yourself teh same question aquacat has. Is the price too high? Or is intimate companionship worth the crushing blow? DryCreek The "failure to launch" basement dweller analogy is terrific; as is the nouveau lesbian (gay husband) That’s the thing; it will cost me dearly financially since I make a lot more than she does, and courts are usually skewed to the mother/wife anyway. I just have to bide my time until the youngest is on his own in about 7-8 years. In the mean time I just daydream and fantasize about having a wife who likes the touchy feely stuff like I do, a wife who likes the same things sexually as I do, a wife who would think of my needs and wants and not have me nearly beg just to be touched. My wife rarely even gives me a hug anymore. |
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Post by week5of35years on Jan 19, 2024 5:01:17 GMT -5
aquacat It will cost you dearly. If the cost is too high, then "Stay and accept" is your answer and developing a life largely independent of your wife is the path forward. Is the cost too high? Having an answer is the next best thing to a fix. m76 That sounds like a recipe for "as long a delaying tactic as I can manage." Keep expectations in check, perhaps having milestones in mind. You need not share them. Just be mindful of what's tolerable and watch for moving goalposts. Then you can ask yourself teh same question aquacat has. Is the price too high? Or is intimate companionship worth the crushing blow? DryCreek The "failure to launch" basement dweller analogy is terrific; as is the nouveau lesbian (gay husband) That’s the thing; it will cost me dearly financially since I make a lot more than she does, and courts are usually skewed to the mother/wife anyway. I just have to bide my time until the youngest is on his own in about 7-8 years. In the mean time I just daydream and fantasize about having a wife who likes the touchy feely stuff like I do, a wife who likes the same things sexually as I do, a wife who would think of my needs and wants and not have me nearly beg just to be touched. My wife rarely even gives me a hug anymore. I admire your intentions but I have to warn you.... my version of waiting for the college plan to come to fruition lasted for about 8yrs (my boy was 8, and is 15 at this point) with a declining relationship, feeling bitter & angry towards my W, not wanting to do family stuff or any of the stuff that gave me joy (socialising/nice meals/nice holidays/birthdays etc etc). I learnt I would rather separate than become that person, I simply did not like the person I had become after 8yrs and had to have The Talk for real, with real demands and real consequences..... As I said, best of luck! |
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