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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 15, 2024 13:44:25 GMT -5
I was surprised at how much sex scenes in movies bother me too. I usually end up fast forwarding or depending on the mood or just turning it off. This is the same with my wife's books. Recently I was with a group of friends at a pub and one of them got a phone call from his wife that he needed to come home and one of the o up on SM ther people at the table started going on about how he's "getting some" and he better go quick.. they kept this up as he's finishing his drink and getting ready to head out. I had to leave shortly after as my mood had soured knowing that other people consider sex normal and I was probably the only person at the table not getting any. You may well not have been the only one at the table not getting any. I had a male cousin some 4 decades ago. He was always going on about how he wanted to f*ck every day. Then I had a conversation with the woman he was dating. She was giving me a hand job at the time and as we spoke I ask her about him wanting sex every day. She laughed. Most of the time he is too drunk to get it up she said, and when he does it doesn't last long. So much for boasting. Reading up on SM the statistics say it is much more common than most people think. So as to your being the only one there doing without, it is just as likely that you were e pluribus unam, "one of many". |
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Missingout
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Post by Missingout on Jan 15, 2024 14:21:20 GMT -5
I was surprised at how much sex scenes in movies bother me too. I usually end up fast forwarding or depending on the mood or just turning it off. This is the same with my wife's books. Recently I was with a group of friends at a pub and one of them got a phone call from his wife that he needed to come home and one of the o up on SM ther people at the table started going on about how he's "getting some" and he better go quick.. they kept this up as he's finishing his drink and getting ready to head out. I had to leave shortly after as my mood had soured knowing that other people consider sex normal and I was probably the only person at the table not getting any. You may well not have been the only one at the table not getting any. I had a male cousin some 4 decades ago. He was always going on about how he wanted to f*ck every day. Then i had a conversation with the woman he was dating. She was giving me a hand job at the time and as we spoke I ask her about him wanting sex every day. She laughed. Most of the time he is too drunk to get it up she said and when he does it doesn't last long. So much for boasting. Reading up on SM the statistics say it is much more common than most people think. So as to your being the only one there doing without, it is just as likely that you were e pluribus unam, "one of many". 😂😂😂😂. "Then i had a conversation with the woman he was dating. She was giving me a hand job at the time and as we spoke" This is why I am here. Love these stories. I needed that laugh more than you know today. Thank you.. |
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Post by h on Jan 15, 2024 18:50:07 GMT -5
Yeah, boxes being checked - I have already spoken with the marriage counselor - essentially she is going to have to stop the stonewalling regarding getting her real hormone levels checked and address the issue accordingly (not this bullshit my OBGYN is one of the best and he says I am fine routine), however if the hormone levs come back OK (which 99.99% sure they won't), then she is going to have to address the issue individually or we divorce - plain and simple. I lover her dearly, but I can't live the rest of my life without kisses and sexual intimacy. I told my wife to ask her regular doctor and her gyno about her issues. She said she would. After an appointment, I asked if she had and she admitted that she didn't. I told her I would go with her and ask if she wasn't comfortable. She said ok, but then made her next appointment and didn't tell me until it was too late for me to take time off and go with her. She wasn't even going to tell me about it but slipped up in conversation about something else. This was around the time I was reaching my limit and one of the reasons why I gave up and quit trying. |
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Post by h on Jan 15, 2024 19:09:29 GMT -5
exactly i could put up with many things when our sex life was good as it got worse still able to let small things go ... now it is gone nope every little annoyance and problem intensified. IT all boils down to your sentence. "Living with someone that doesn't care about your wants and needs. Being a maid, accountant, personal secretary and chef to a room mate that you don't like." For Some unexplained reason he is trying harder in some areas but too little too late and still not improvement in the right areas. he has tried to help more around house... but burns things IF he cooks etc. i am torn sometimes it is no longer about "the talk " but just want him to KNOW i am not OK with things... i go to bed early often for "self care" time as i sleep better afterwards and he is always stay up ... for What? watching you play video games and watch bad TV... or worse yet movies with sex scenes to rub in what i am missing. Honestly I debate in just telling him "sorry i have an appointment with my vibrator sit there like a lump and do what ever you do." I was surprised at how much sex scenes in movies bother me too. I usually end up fast forwarding or depending on the mood or just turning it off. This is the same with my wife's books. Recently I was with a group of friends at a pub and one of them got a phone call from his wife that he needed to come home and one of the other people at the table started going on about how he's "getting some" and he better go quick.. they kept this up as he's finishing his drink and getting ready to head out. I had to leave shortly after as my mood had soured knowing that other people consider sex normal and I was probably the only person at the table not getting any. Sex scenes in movies and tv shows bother me too. I usually leave the room or distract myself with my phone (sometimes with reading on here). |
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Post by toughtiger on Jan 15, 2024 19:50:40 GMT -5
exactly i could put up with many things when our sex life was good as it got worse still able to let small things go ... I was surprised at how much sex scenes in movies bother me too. I usually end up fast forwarding or depending on the mood or just turning it off. This is the same with my wife's books. Recently I was with a group of friends at a pub and one of them got a phone call from his wife that he needed to come home and one of the other people at the table started going on about how he's "getting some" and he better go quick.. they kept this up as he's finishing his drink and getting ready to head out. I had to leave shortly after as my mood had soured knowing that other people consider sex normal and I was probably the only person at the table not getting any. you know you are not the only one as this site shows.... I am glad this did not happen to me cause I tell everybody that NOPE spouse is dead from waist down. |
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patrick
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Post by patrick on Jan 15, 2024 20:05:12 GMT -5
I was surprised at how much sex scenes in movies bother me too. I usually end up fast forwarding or depending on the mood or just turning it off. Red flag ignored. Early in our relationship, my MIL would get up and leave the room when any nudity appeared in the movie we were watching. They say we become our parents. Fast forward 40+ years and I find myself in a SM. After several sessions of counseling she agreed to try again…and she did bless her heart…but it seemed like it was more of a chore for her…which made it no fun for me. I bought her sexy nightwear but never saw her wear it…asked her if she wanted to watch porn with me…uh uh…have never found evidence of her self-care…how does one know when their spouse has become asexual?🤷♂️ |
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m76
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Post by m76 on Jan 15, 2024 20:14:28 GMT -5
"how does one know when their spouse has become asexual?"
We talked. I asked why she never wants sex and it finally came out. She didn't realize it herself until 6 years after all sex dried up. It's something the asexual person may not even really be able to articulate without knowing what asexuality is.
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 16, 2024 6:00:46 GMT -5
"how does one know when their spouse has become asexual?" We talked. I asked why she never wants sex and it finally came out. She didn't realize it herself until 6 years after all sex dried up. It's something the asexual person may not even really be able to articulate without knowing what asexuality is.
Society says that asexuality is an orientation, so why does it get an exception?
If her reply was "I've discovered that I'm a lesbian", then it becomes obvious that you're sexually incompatible and divorce is almost expected.
Why then are we expected to sacrifice ourselves and remain married as the 'beard' for an asexual?
DC
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m76
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Post by m76 on Jan 16, 2024 6:23:35 GMT -5
"how does one know when their spouse has become asexual?" We talked. I asked why she never wants sex and it finally came out. She didn't realize it herself until 6 years after all sex dried up. It's something the asexual person may not even really be able to articulate without knowing what asexuality is.
Society says that asexuality is an orientation, so why does it get an exception?
If her reply was "I've discovered that I'm a lesbian", then it becomes obvious that you're sexually incompatible and divorce is almost expected.
Why then are we expected to sacrifice ourselves and remain married as the 'beard' for an asexual?
DC
It doesn't get an exception. But for me since it's not malicious, I'm taking some time with the couple's therapy to see if there's flexibility. We just started yesterday and when she was talking to the therapist it sounded like she may be more open to trying things then when she was just talking to me. We'll see if it amounts to anything. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 16, 2024 10:08:44 GMT -5
It doesn't get an exception. But for me since it's not malicious, I'm taking some time with the couple's therapy to see if there's flexibility. We just started yesterday and when she was talking to the therapist it sounded like she may be more open to trying things then when she was just talking to me. We'll see if it amounts to anything. Thanks for keeping us informed! I'm curious to hear what kind of approach a therapist ( your therapist) will take? And how your W handles it. Pulling for you,whatever future decisions the two of you decide to make and enforce! |
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diode
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Post by diode on Jan 17, 2024 6:34:01 GMT -5
"how does one know when their spouse has become asexual?" We talked. I asked why she never wants sex and it finally came out. She didn't realize it herself until 6 years after all sex dried up. It's something the asexual person may not even really be able to articulate without knowing what asexuality is.
Society says that asexuality is an orientation, so why does it get an exception?
If her reply was "I've discovered that I'm a lesbian", then it becomes obvious that you're sexually incompatible and divorce is almost expected.
Why then are we expected to sacrifice ourselves and remain married as the 'beard' for an asexual?
DC
I often disagree with society, or I at least question society's assertions. I'm not so sure that it's any more useful to refer to asexuality as an orientation than it is to refer to atheism as a religion. Indeed, conclusively labeling someone as asexual may be more of an academic exercise than useful in a practical sense. In my case, W is heterosexual. However, her threshold for sexual arousal is so high as to be impossible for me to breach. So, for practical purposes, she might just as well be asexual (she ain't fuckin' me, no matter what). At earlier points, I believe that a novel partner could have provided sufficient arousal for her to perform, noting that her interest wouldn't have lasted (although it might have been somebody else left with the bill of goods). A major question remains, with or without counseling, "is mutually desirable sex at all likely to emerge from the ashes of sexlessness?" I suppose we owe it to ourselves and our would-be partners to seek an answer. However, the answer that often emerges from exploratory resets is that "consent does not necessarily equal desire." |
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Post by aquacat on Jan 17, 2024 7:26:51 GMT -5
Society says that asexuality is an orientation, so why does it get an exception?
If her reply was "I've discovered that I'm a lesbian", then it becomes obvious that you're sexually incompatible and divorce is almost expected.
Why then are we expected to sacrifice ourselves and remain married as the 'beard' for an asexual?
DC
I often disagree with society, or I at least question society's assertions. I'm not so sure that it's any more useful to refer to asexuality as an orientation than it is to refer to atheism as a religion. Indeed, conclusively labeling someone as asexual may be more of an academic exercise than useful in a practical sense. In my case, W is heterosexual. However, her threshold for sexual arousal is so high as to be impossible for me to breach. So, for practical purposes, she might just as well be asexual (she ain't fuckin' me, no matter what). At earlier points, I believe that a novel partner could have provided sufficient arousal for her to perform, noting that her interest wouldn't have lasted (although it might have been somebody else left with the bill of goods). A major question remains, with or without counseling, "is mutually desirable sex at all likely to emerge from the ashes of sexlessness?" I suppose we owe it to ourselves and our would-be partners to seek an answer. However, the answer that often emerges from exploratory resets is that "consent does not necessarily equal desire." My wife does this as well, and I do think she's asexual. Looking back on our relationship when we were dating and first got married I should have seen the red flags back then. When we dated she was enthusiastic about sex and was a virgin when we met. When we got married even that night I saw an abrupt change and within a week she refused to do things like oral and it quickly went to starfish. Our frequency tapered off within the first few months and I should have pulled the plug then, but upbringing and not wanting to repeat what both sets of parents went through with a divorce kept us going. Now we have kids, which in trying to get pregnant was the only time she was enthusiastic about having sex, and 20+ years later I've dug myself into a financial hole in which if we were to split now it would cost me dearly. She knows I'm unhappy about our sex life and even though she says she tries/will try to improve it, it never happens. She refuses even to kiss me other than on the lips even though I do more than that to her. I've noticed that if I try to initiate it she pushes me away and the only time we do have sex is when she tells me at night if I want to do it to go shut the door which I really hate that approach as it's so unsexy. She hates when I tell her she's a sexual gatekeeper. Even when we get started it hurts initially to get going because she refuses to let me do things to get her aroused and even with lube the look on her face says I'm hurting her and it makes me have issues keeping it going to so speak. I do think with the right partner who has very little to no sex drive that she would be happier with not having a partner who wants a sexual relationship. Based on what I know about her over the last 20 or so years I do believe she's asexual. |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Jan 17, 2024 7:31:20 GMT -5
I highly recommend she (or you both) see a sexual therapist if you can swing it. Sounds like she has some issues that need to be worked out.
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m76
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Post by m76 on Jan 17, 2024 7:45:02 GMT -5
I often disagree with society, or I at least question society's assertions. I'm not so sure that it's any more useful to refer to asexuality as an orientation than it is to refer to atheism as a religion. Indeed, conclusively labeling someone as asexual may be more of an academic exercise than useful in a practical sense. In my case, W is heterosexual. However, her threshold for sexual arousal is so high as to be impossible for me to breach. So, for practical purposes, she might just as well be asexual (she ain't fuckin' me, no matter what). At earlier points, I believe that a novel partner could have provided sufficient arousal for her to perform, noting that her interest wouldn't have lasted (although it might have been somebody else left with the bill of goods). A major question remains, with or without counseling, "is mutually desirable sex at all likely to emerge from the ashes of sexlessness?" I suppose we owe it to ourselves and our would-be partners to seek an answer. However, the answer that often emerges from exploratory resets is that "consent does not necessarily equal desire." My wife does this as well, and I do think she's asexual. Looking back on our relationship when we were dating and first got married I should have seen the red flags back then. When we dated she was enthusiastic about sex and was a virgin when we met. When we got married even that night I saw an abrupt change and within a week she refused to do things like oral and it quickly went to starfish. Our frequency tapered off within the first few months and I should have pulled the plug then, but upbringing and not wanting to repeat what both sets of parents went through with a divorce kept us going. Now we have kids, which in trying to get pregnant was the only time she was enthusiastic about having sex, and 20+ years later I've dug myself into a financial hole in which if we were to split now it would cost me dearly. She knows I'm unhappy about our sex life and even though she says she tries/will try to improve it, it never happens. She refuses even to kiss me other than on the lips even though I do more than that to her. I've noticed that if I try to initiate it she pushes me away and the only time we do have sex is when she tells me at night if I want to do it to go shut the door which I really hate that approach as it's so unsexy. She hates when I tell her she's a sexual gatekeeper. Even when we get started it hurts initially to get going because she refuses to let me do things to get her aroused and even with lube the look on her face says I'm hurting her and it makes me have issues keeping it going to so speak. I do think with the right partner who has very little to no sex drive that she would be happier with not having a partner who wants a sexual relationship. Based on what I know about her over the last 20 or so years I do believe she's asexual. I saw one of the videos linked here about sex drive in women. I know everyone is different, but it seems there's some who really don't want sex, don't think about it at all and are shocked that it's really so important for us. The video talked about them having sex to create the bond with their partner and then once they think thats locked in, all sexual desire disappears. I think my wife, after talking to the sex therapist with me understands that it's a need I have to be intimate. The therapy process will be slow, they key for us is that because it's been so long, we need to start slow. If we move too fast I was told my wife my experience the "ick" factor and will completely shut down again. The goal that we're working towards is real sex once a week. But it's staring now with hand holding, hugs and words of appreciation. I won't lie... it's hard (no pun intended), to maintain the emotional support she needs while we build this back up. As long as there seems to be progress, I'll keep trying. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 17, 2024 19:40:53 GMT -5
I often disagree with society, or I at least question society's assertions. I'm not so sure that it's any more useful to refer to asexuality as an orientation than it is to refer to atheism as a religion. Indeed, conclusively labeling someone as asexual may be more of an academic exercise than useful in a practical sense. In my case, W is heterosexual. However, her threshold for sexual arousal is so high as to be impossible for me to breach. So, for practical purposes, she might just as well be asexual (she ain't fuckin' me, no matter what). At earlier points, I believe that a novel partner could have provided sufficient arousal for her to perform, noting that her interest wouldn't have lasted (although it might have been somebody else left with the bill of goods). A major question remains, with or without counseling, "is mutually desirable sex at all likely to emerge from the ashes of sexlessness?" I suppose we owe it to ourselves and our would-be partners to seek an answer. However, the answer that often emerges from exploratory resets is that "consent does not necessarily equal desire." My wife does this as well, and I do think she's asexual. Looking back on our relationship when we were dating and first got married I should have seen the red flags back then. When we dated she was enthusiastic about sex and was a virgin when we met. When we got married even that night I saw an abrupt change and within a week she refused to do things like oral and it quickly went to starfish. Our frequency tapered off within the first few months and I should have pulled the plug then, but upbringing and not wanting to repeat what both sets of parents went through with a divorce kept us going. Now we have kids, which in trying to get pregnant was the only time she was enthusiastic about having sex, and 20+ years later I've dug myself into a financial hole in which if we were to split now it would cost me dearly. She knows I'm unhappy about our sex life and even though she says she tries/will try to improve it, it never happens. She refuses even to kiss me other than on the lips even though I do more than that to her. I've noticed that if I try to initiate it she pushes me away and the only time we do have sex is when she tells me at night if I want to do it to go shut the door which I really hate that approach as it's so unsexy. She hates when I tell her she's a sexual gatekeeper. Even when we get started it hurts initially to get going because she refuses to let me do things to get her aroused and even with lube the look on her face says I'm hurting her and it makes me have issues keeping it going to so speak. I do think with the right partner who has very little to no sex drive that she would be happier with not having a partner who wants a sexual relationship. Based on what I know about her over the last 20 or so years I do believe she's asexual. Sounds like a typical problem… she has no genuine motivation to change; her words are lip service. She may even believe her own stories, but nothing in her life is at risk so she is not compelled to fix it. It’s like someone who is mooching off parents and just can’t get around to applying for jobs. They’re “working on it”, they’re “going to apply”, but they don’t take action because they are content and their lifestyle is not genuinely at risk. My point is that asexuals don’t deserve a pass. If “my wife has decided she’s a lesbian” is definitive enough to acknowledge the marriage is doomed, then “my wife says she’s asexual” deserves equal treatment. Both translate to “my wife refuses to maintain a legitimate marriage”. Both are legitimate choices - good for them. But the refused are under no obligation to maintain a façade in either case to their own detriment. Asexuality is a popular claim because it has no consequences and achieves a convenient goal. |
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