|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Oct 23, 2023 7:49:59 GMT -5
The times I’ve tried saying "No" turns into an argument so I begrudgingly agree. I don’t have that emotional connection and sadly the physical connection isn’t there either. How could she initiate that would be met with positivity? What's missing? If you could enjoy and appreciate these rare engagements, it doesn't mean you have to tolerate scarcity, but if frequency became acceptable, you'd want what was there to be good. Why does she fight for you to couple together? How? More, please. |
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Oct 23, 2023 8:11:48 GMT -5
I wish i could find a friend like that as well. I feel so lonely in my marriage it depresses me. She knows she’s not meeting my needs and the few times she thinks she’s initiating sex (Do you want to do it?) it makes my skin crawl and I have to concentrate so much just to try to finish. The times I’ve tried saying no turns into an argument so I begrudgingly agree. I don’t have that emotional connection and sadly the physical connection isn’t there either. Clearly all the past refusing has worked a hardship on you. But I would need to know if there is no possibility of making a reconnection. If she is initiating, what is the frequency? Are there any events or time frames that seem to trigger the initiating? The last year or so of my marriage my X would just walk in and announce she was "in the mood". Her expectation was that I would follow her back to bed, and she was mostly right. But eventually she was so disrespectful of me I did not come to her bed but slept somewhere else. Still if she had been more loving in her initiating I would have been much more likely to keep the emotional commection. So what would it take on your W's part for you to rekindle that emotional connection? |
|
|
|
Post by toughtiger on Oct 23, 2023 9:08:35 GMT -5
I wish i could find a friend like that as well. I feel so lonely in my marriage it depresses me. She knows she’s not meeting my needs and the few times she thinks she’s initiating sex (Do you want to do it?) it makes my skin crawl and I have to concentrate so much just to try to finish. The times I’ve tried saying no turns into an argument so I begrudgingly agree. I don’t have that emotional connection and sadly the physical connection isn’t there either. The lack of emotional connection and frankly the emotional baggage i have about being mad that he decided to not do ANYTHING to save our sex life and his idea i should be great with that.. even if all sex life was back on the table ...........i would not be interested in him anymore...i took a look at him seriously this weekend i do not even remember what i ever found attractive.... i mean the spark / the whatever is just GONE .... not on life support just gone. if i did anything with him .....it would be the biggest faking it i have ever done. sex without some sort of connection is empty ........ Does the emotional connection die eventually ? or is it killed from how we feel being denied the physical.? ....... or is death of both at same time and we do not notice? why don't couples talk and see emotional connection could be the glue holding the fragile strands together. I think the long term marriages i saw that worked the emotional connection is still working.... it is so easy to talk with with my friend...... we talk about all sorts of things ... and we are baffled that we cannot even have a conversation with spouses that does not end with a fight or hard feelings. a message from him makes me smile / laugh and think about him all day. even nice gestures from spouse that happen once in a blue moon..... i cannot seem to be really interested or appreciative. instead i turn critical ...... why did he do this or that? bought candy ... he knows i gave up when i lost weight .. i know he meant well but i take it wrong why cant i just appreciate teh thought that counts type of thing? |
|
Missingout
Full Member
Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
|
Post by Missingout on Oct 23, 2023 16:05:34 GMT -5
I wish i could find a friend like that as well. I feel so lonely in my marriage it depresses me. She knows she’s not meeting my needs and the few times she thinks she’s initiating sex (Do you want to do it?) it makes my skin crawl and I have to concentrate so much just to try to finish. The times I’ve tried saying no turns into an argument so I begrudgingly agree. I don’t have that emotional connection and sadly the physical connection isn’t there either. The lack of emotional connection and frankly the emotional baggage i have about being mad that he decided to not do ANYTHING to save our sex life and his idea i should be great with that.. even if all sex life was back on the table ...........i would not be interested in him anymore...i took a look at him seriously this weekend i do not even remember what i ever found attractive.... i mean the spark / the whatever is just GONE .... not on life support just gone. if i did anything with him .....it would be the biggest faking it i have ever done. sex without some sort of connection is empty ........ Does the emotional connection die eventually ? or is it killed from how we feel being denied the physical.? ....... or is death of both at same time and we do not notice? why don't couples talk and see emotional connection could be the glue holding the fragile strands together. I think the long term marriages i saw that worked the emotional connection is still working.... it is so easy to talk with with my friend...... we talk about all sorts of things ... and we are baffled that we cannot even have a conversation with spouses that does not end with a fight or hard feelings. a message from him makes me smile / laugh and think about him all day. even nice gestures from spouse that happen once in a blue moon..... i cannot seem to be really interested or appreciative. instead i turn critical ...... why did he do this or that? bought candy ... he knows i gave up when i lost weight .. i know he meant well but i take it wrong why cant i just appreciate teh thought that counts type of thing? I know what you mean about your friend and that’s all you think about.. my friend made me feel wanted and would tell me what she would do to me if I was there with her. Stuff like that goes a long way with a refused spouse. After the friend put a stop to it I have yearned for more but she is in a good relationship so I backed off of the rated x talk with her. Lmao. But after that I asked myself why can’t I have that? I look at W and she still just thinks of me as her assistant or whatever it is. Ever since I told her I was done being the initiater and wanted her to do it. Sex stopped. Guess I’m just looking for someone that wants to take care of my need and respects my wanting to take care of there’s. |
|
|
|
Post by aquacat on Oct 26, 2023 6:22:26 GMT -5
The times I’ve tried saying "No" turns into an argument so I begrudgingly agree. I don’t have that emotional connection and sadly the physical connection isn’t there either. How could she initiate that would be met with positivity? What's missing? If you could enjoy and appreciate these rare engagements, it doesn't mean you have to tolerate scarcity, but if frequency became acceptable, you'd want what was there to be good. Why does she fight for you to couple together? How? More, please. I would see it as a positive if her attitude wasn't a "let's get this over with" type of deal. I can hear it in her voice. She fights for us to couple together as it were because she knows it's what I want and she's afraid I will leave if she doesn't do it. I think she sees this as she has to do this in order for me to be happy in the relationship. She's told me several times over the years that sex isn't a thing for her and if she never had sex again it wouldn't bother her, but she does it for me because she knows that's what I want, so her having sex with me is to meet my need, not a together need for our marriage. The way she does it is the begrudgingly "Do you want to do it?" or "Go shut the door if you want to do it." if she were to initiate by snuggling up to me and start kissing on me, and/or start to rub on me passionately that would be a better way to start it. I can't even get her to kiss me anywhere except on my lips. I've told her I'd like for her to try kissing my face and my neck but she just won't do it. I get that she doesn't want her face anywhere near my groin but she can't even kiss my neck? |
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Oct 26, 2023 6:23:54 GMT -5
... I look at W and she still just thinks of me as her assistant or whatever it is. Ever since I told her I was done being the initiater and wanted her to do it. Sex stopped. Guess I’m just looking for someone that wants to take care of my need and respects my wanting to take care of there’s. "Looking"? Are you going the outsourcing route? be sure to Obey the Baza |
|
Missingout
Full Member
Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
|
Post by Missingout on Oct 26, 2023 16:37:27 GMT -5
... I look at W and she still just thinks of me as her assistant or whatever it is. Ever since I told her I was done being the initiater and wanted her to do it. Sex stopped. Guess I’m just looking for someone that wants to take care of my need and respects my wanting to take care of there’s. "Looking"? Are you going the outsourcing route? be sure to Obey the BazaOf course I will definitely take his advice as well as all the others on here. Great stuff everybody.. and thanks you have really opened my eyes on a lot of things. |
|
|
|
Post by aquacat on Oct 28, 2023 18:21:06 GMT -5
I could really use a friend today. I am feeling down right now and it’s not something I can talk with my wife about because it’s about her.
I made the mistake of trying to give her strong hints last night that I wanted us to have sex and she of course rejected it as she was too tired, yet I made these hints known in the early evening. I tried again this morning as I woke up extra in the mood and she flat out rejected it. Now it’s not convenient because of that time during the month which of course means nothing, nada, no alternative, zilch.
I have no one to talk to.
|
|
m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
|
Post by m76 on Oct 28, 2023 19:16:38 GMT -5
I could really use a friend today. I am feeling down right now and it’s not something I can talk with my wife about because it’s about her. I made the mistake of trying to give her strong hints last night that I wanted us to have sex and she of course rejected it as she was too tired, yet I made these hints known in the early evening. I tried again this morning as I woke up extra in the mood and she flat out rejected it. Now it’s not convenient because of that time during the month which of course means nothing, nada, no alternative, zilch. I have no one to talk to. I know how you feel. The only thing I can offer is that you're not alone in feeling like that. In my own journey of discovery I've come across one simple truth. You cannot change anyone else. You only have control over yourself. With this in mind I've been able to reduce any expectations I may have about my wife and just go about my life. It's disappointing, that in my case and likely yours your wife probably won't even realize how much you're hurting. |
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Oct 30, 2023 6:00:41 GMT -5
I could really use a friend today. I am feeling down right now and it’s not something I can talk with my wife about because it’s about her. I made the mistake of trying to give her strong hints last night that I wanted us to have sex and she of course rejected it as she was too tired, yet I made these hints known in the early evening. I tried again this morning as I woke up extra in the mood and she flat out rejected it. Now it’s not convenient because of that time during the month which of course means nothing, nada, no alternative, zilch. I have no one to talk to. You mean live and in person, right? Where d'ya live? Let's see if we can find a support group that'd help. Here's a thread, let's necropost! iliasm.org/thread/3032/support-groups
And since you bring it up, but not to belabor the obvious, but... periods do not prevent sex. Sex can make periods finish faster.Just something to keep in mind if you have a new lover someday and she's willing, but hesitant. |
|
Missingout
Full Member
Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
|
Post by Missingout on Oct 30, 2023 8:29:19 GMT -5
I could really use a friend today. I am feeling down right now and it’s not something I can talk with my wife about because it’s about her. I made the mistake of trying to give her strong hints last night that I wanted us to have sex and she of course rejected it as she was too tired, yet I made these hints known in the early evening. I tried again this morning as I woke up extra in the mood and she flat out rejected it. Now it’s not convenient because of that time during the month which of course means nothing, nada, no alternative, zilch. I have no one to talk to. You could really get the blood moving so to speak or get her blood boiling by hopping in the shower with her and let her know the clean up will be easier in the shower.😏 |
|
|
|
Post by aquacat on Oct 30, 2023 20:24:09 GMT -5
I could really use a friend today. I am feeling down right now and it’s not something I can talk with my wife about because it’s about her. I made the mistake of trying to give her strong hints last night that I wanted us to have sex and she of course rejected it as she was too tired, yet I made these hints known in the early evening. I tried again this morning as I woke up extra in the mood and she flat out rejected it. Now it’s not convenient because of that time during the month which of course means nothing, nada, no alternative, zilch. I have no one to talk to. You could really get the blood moving so to speak or get her blood boiling by hopping in the shower with her and let her know the clean up will be easier in the shower.😏 She does not like showering together. I’ve tried that several times with her and she has told me she prefers to shower alone. It’s her “me” time to gather her thoughts and unwind from a busy day. No she does not masturbate in there. |
|
m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
|
Post by m76 on Nov 17, 2023 11:32:48 GMT -5
So I've pretty much made thr decision now that I want to leave the marriage. I don't know how to bring this up with her. I think that this will likely come as a shock to her but the reality is that I think both of us have been emotionally disconnected for so long I don't think there's a chance to recover even if she started having sex with me again.
Timing is difficult for this conversation. I don't want to bring it up during the day while she's working. I also don't want to talk about while my son is home. I'm also thinking it would be nice to give my son a normal Christmas with only a few weeks to go. But I'm realistic to know that I'll be coming up with excuses in January...procrastination is a problem for me.
|
|
|
|
Post by isthisit on Nov 17, 2023 15:17:59 GMT -5
So I've pretty much made thr decision now that I want to leave the marriage. I don't know how to bring this up with her. I think that this will likely come as a shock to her but the reality is that I think both of us have been emotionally disconnected for so long I don't think there's a chance to recover even if she started having sex with me again. Timing is difficult for this conversation. I don't want to bring it up during the day while she's working. I also don't want to talk about while my son is home. I'm also thinking it would be nice to give my son a normal Christmas with only a few weeks to go. But I'm realistic to know that I'll be coming up with excuses in January...procrastination is a problem for me. Five years ago I was in the exact same situation. Decision made, Christmas looming, other people to consider. It’s really easy to defer to tomorrow, next week, after his/her birthday, anniversary, great auntie Mary’s 90th… If it feels really hard, that is because it is, so please give yourself a break. How I actually did it (in January) was to choose a moment when we were alone and would predictably be for several hours afterwards. I took the textbook breaking bad news approach and gave the signposting sentence ahead of the jaw dropper- “H, I am so sorry to have to tell you” then swiftly and clearly dropped the bomb “I can’t be your wife anymore.” I chose these words with care. Not, I don’t want to be your wife, or I’ve had enough, both implying a choice. But “I can’t”. Because by then it was a survival thing as I stayed way longer than was wise. Once those words were said there was no going back for me. No shredding my cred, no negotiations, no wobbling when he fell apart. It was said and it was happening. Kindly, and supportively, and slowly in our case. But it was happening. Be sure, then be resolute. |
|
|
|
Post by sweetplumeria on Nov 17, 2023 17:39:18 GMT -5
For some reason, maybe taxes or maybe resolutions January seems like a good time. Of course I never done it so... maybe I don't have a leg to stand on.
I like how isthisit approached the situation. Any of my talks have been weirded with expert manipulation.
|
|
