m76
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Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Aug 10, 2023 21:22:01 GMT -5
I've been married for 25 years. 15 of those have been sexless. I stopped trying to initiate sex a long time ago but I did try once again about a year ago. Tried to talk about it and she basically said that its not something she's ever interested again and hopes that I still love her. I do... but I feel lonely.
I'm still trying to decide if its worthwhile to stay with a friend or walk away.
I have two teenagers, one in university. A divorce would likely ruin me financially.
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Post by baza on Aug 11, 2023 3:32:24 GMT -5
It is a good idea to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to see how a divorce would shake out for you.
To see if your fears of "divorce financially ruining you" has any basis in fact.
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m76
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Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Aug 11, 2023 4:44:30 GMT -5
Baza, you may be right. In an uncontested divorce it's a 50/50 split. The equity in the house just about equals the debt so it may just cancel out if she keeps it.
If I keep it, I would probably need to sell but would be ok.
So money isn't trapping me, but it's still hard to make a decision. I think I may talk to a psychologist as my next step.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Aug 11, 2023 7:56:58 GMT -5
The decision to stray or leave is one only you can make.
If you do uncontested like you say then financial isn't an issue. You say you still love her but are you in love with her. Do you get affection? Is she interested in giving any sexual release even if it's kissing and touching while you stroke?
I did both. I strayed and it did help,but the resentment for not being able to have a complete relationship wore on me. I left, did uncontested. I will tell you the leaving was the hardest part. Telling him, and actually walking out the door,the guilt. It was so worth it though. If I had any advice it is go to counseling for you before you leave. It helps with feeling like the bad person even though they tanked the relationship.
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m76
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Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Aug 11, 2023 8:23:36 GMT -5
Angeleyes, there is no affection at all. There's been a few times where I've even tried to kiss her and she's turned her head. I've put a hand on her hip while laying in bed and she'll push it away.
She says she loves me though.
I would say at this point I'm not "in love" but we're deep friends.
Being single and walking away from this life is just really really hard and I question if I'll be happier or still lonely and paying rent on my own.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Aug 11, 2023 8:38:18 GMT -5
Yeah I hear that. Straying helped me see that I could find someone. Plus I was to the point I would rather be alone then living a lie. Feeling lonely but not alone. I pretty much started working on me. Going out with friends, exercising just getting my confidence and joy of life back. Straying helped with that alot . And I made a good friend that I stay in touch with. Fell in love with my last fwb but he was married (sexless) also. I left not knowing if he ever would. Prepared to date and move on. A year after me, he left. We are so happy!
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Post by aquacat on Aug 11, 2023 10:11:41 GMT -5
I’m in the same boat as you are OP. I love my wife but I can’t honestly say I’m totally in love with her because we are so different when it comes to sex. I care about her but I think it’s more like what a friend would be. We are sexually incompatible and have been since we first got married over 20 years ago. That should have been my red flag to call it quits right after but I stayed because both sets of parents had divorced and we wanted to prove that we wouldn’t be in that statistic. We have two kids as well, both teenagers. A divorce would hurt me financially as I have looked. If things don’t improve I’ll reevaluate in 7-8 years when my youngest will be an adult.
She just doesn’t like sex like I do. Oral sex disgusts her and she won’t put her head anywhere near my groin. I have to ask to be touched down there. Sex is missionary only.
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 11, 2023 10:36:57 GMT -5
Angeleyes, there is no affection at all. There's been a few times where I've even tried to kiss her and she's turned her head. I've put a hand on her hip while laying in bed and she'll push it away. She says she loves me though. I would say at this point I'm not "in love" but we're deep friends. Being single and walking away from this life is just really really hard and I question if I'll be happier or still lonely and paying rent on my own. "She says she loves me though"....she is lying like a dog. She may love the life and goodies you provide for her but she doesn't love you. She barely tolerates you. And if you insisted on some form of intimacy she would be looking to seperate and divorce you in all likelyhood. You are not deep friends. This is you rationalizing the state of your union. If she was a "deep friend' she would want to see you happy. And if she has no interest in intimacy then she would at least permit or look the other way if you found another woman to meet your needs. But I will bet she is adamantly opposed to any such arrangement. Why not put the mutually benefical option on the table and see if she says "fine". I'll bet a dollar in the dark she will not be willing to go along with you seeking pleasure somewhere else. |
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Post by angeleyes65 on Aug 11, 2023 13:06:00 GMT -5
I agree how much does a person love if they don't care about your needs for sex or affection. I mean there are stressful times or other things that may make our need drop for a bit but that doesn't diminish the other person's. Especially affection how hard is that... they may love you like a sibling but that's it in my opinion
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Post by baza on Aug 11, 2023 20:02:30 GMT -5
Baza, you may be right. In an uncontested divorce it's a 50/50 split. The equity in the house just about equals the debt so it may just cancel out if she keeps it. If I keep it, I would probably need to sell but would be ok. So money isn't trapping me, but it's still hard to make a decision. I think I may talk to a psychologist as my next step. Seeing a psych is a good idea Brother m76 . You are in a very difficult situation and some professional guidance to help you unpack all this could be really valuable. |
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muzack
Junior Member
Posts: 79 
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Post by muzack on Aug 12, 2023 8:56:00 GMT -5
Your dates sound similar to mine. 23 years married and 13 years of maybe sex once or twice a year.
My wife has a host of anxiety, control, and body issues she struggles with.
Talking to some sort of therapist to work out your feelings is great. If your wife is like mine, talking out any non-sex issues with a professional may be helpful for her.
My other suggestion is common to other threads here. Find activities and social groups that you enjoy. Build yourself up into the best, happiest you can be.
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Post by jerri on Aug 13, 2023 2:14:00 GMT -5
I went to a therapist before I set out to do anything. I did not want to be financially divided. I have some rentals and even though they are mine didn't really want to give them up in a settlement or have to pump a bunch of money into fighting. I told the therapist that I would be stepping out of the marriage for sex. The therapist told me all the reasons why that would not work in a normal relationship. So I accepted that for a while. I chose to stay but I thought he would be leaving once he found out what I was going to do. He did not like what I was doing but he didn't want to give me sex either so even though he didn't like it he accepted it for a decade and that was after decades without sexual affection or when we did have sex it was really exhausting because it took too much effort just to get that sex. Now we are so much closer and loving since there is no pressure to go without sex for the rest of my life. I just could not handle that thought of not having pleasure from my husband for the rest of my life. Now I know after going through all of that chaos it was well worth it for me because I didn't lose half of my assets.. which are some of my retirement. The people in here who have left really like their lives but I don't think I would have liked losing my assets with no guarantee of getting sex elsewhere especially as I got older. I just didn't want to roll the dice as a personal choice but was okay if he decided to leave. My family would have been very unhappy with me leaving him so if anyone was going to be leaving anyone I would do what I want and if he left then he left and that would put me in an entirely different position
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Aug 13, 2023 4:36:18 GMT -5
Some of the answers I'm seeing suggest arranging to have a friend on the side for the physical affection. As nice as that sounds, even if my wife was to agree to that I don't think as easy for a man to find a FWB arrangement as it is for a woman. At one point I was desperate enough to start looking on online dating sites. Most of the matches I had were looking for marriage and I never actually went on any dates. A few weeks of trying I ended up more depressed then ever. A side thought, at the time I was so depressed I was secretly hoping she would find the app on my phone as ask to leave me.
Over the years I've tried having the talk with her a few times about sex and each time I feel like I'm the selfish jerk since sex seems to be something that's just for my benefit. There doesn't seem to be a compromise if one person wants physical affection and the other doesn't.
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Post by toughtiger on Aug 14, 2023 13:18:45 GMT -5
I went to a therapist before I set out to do anything. I did not want to be financially divided. I have some rentals and even though they are mine didn't really want to give them up in a settlement or have to pump a bunch of money into fighting. I told the therapist that I would be stepping out of the marriage for sex. The therapist told me all the reasons why that would not work in a normal relationship. So I accepted that for a while. I chose to stay but I thought he would be leaving once he found out what I was going to do. He did not like what I was doing but he didn't want to give me sex either so even though he didn't like it he accepted it for a decade and that was after decades without sexual affection or when we did have sex it was really exhausting because it took too much effort just to get that sex. Now we are so much closer and loving since there is no pressure to go without sex for the rest of my life. I just could not handle that thought of not having pleasure from my husband for the rest of my life. Now I know after going through all of that chaos it was well worth it for me because I didn't lose half of my assets.. which are some of my retirement. The people in here who have left really like their lives but I don't think I would have liked losing my assets with no guarantee of getting sex elsewhere especially as I got older. I just didn't want to roll the dice as a personal choice but was okay if he decided to leave. My family would have been very unhappy with me leaving him so if anyone was going to be leaving anyone I would do what I want and if he left then he left and that would put me in an entirely different position It is extremely frustrating and so many sites advice is just divorce ... it is not as simple in long term situations........ where some finance issues are involved. I worked hard to grow our nest egg and worked FT / raised kids etc ................while he was a spendthrift and NOW That he has decided .....WE are celibate without any consideration about me...i am supposed to give him half........ seriously NO. It started 12 years ago i believe LOW T and then just failure after failure with ED ...... i sound harsh as a wife but here is truth .......i was left to think it was my fault......... SO i lost weight /got in shape / bought sexy underwear / nighties..... did my hair different /changed lotions in case he disliked the scent/ changed toothpaste was paranoid it was my breath....... because he was NOT man enough to tell the truth. NOT once did he talk to a doctor ......still hasn't......... just said that part of OUR life is over he bought numerous BS "cures" over the internet or supplements big waste of $$$$.(long ago when he was going downhill) let himself go guess he figured that would turn me off... doubt he has seen his parts except in mirror..... our young grandchild asked him when baby was due...... only times attempts were made was ON his schedule ...... threw back sheet and expected me with ZERO foreplay to hop aboard for the 2 minute ride (if lucky) then was MAD that i was not all hot and bothered and screaming OH BABY .... now after a incident with A fib his medication KILLED the Maybe 2 minutes every 3-6 month rodeo attempts ( that ended badly both disappointed ) I read up on living with ED......................... told him we could do other things. but he will not even look at me runs away if i am nude changing etc ...ran into a door jam to avoid seeing me come out of the shower. when he hugs me feels like an awkward hug from a distant relative at a bad family reunion. I had the long nice therapy like " i feel" statement talk......... and it went NO where.... suggested couples therapy/ gym / talking with doctor together.... NO is all i hear. There are sooo many of us living this way been on other forums and talking in person ect and many out here... .Most lie and deny and i did too for awhile but now i can't i need some attention. I suggested an open type thing as there are men whose wives for who knows why have zero interest so a FWB thing seemed logical.... He freaked out told me that would KILL our marriage........ but his cheating 23 years ago was OK i guess.... At least i am honest about it. i have an online friend and we both in same shoes but great distance away ....I know it is not me friend /neighbor men and others out and about notice me ... i know my friend will not leave his situation ...... money and frankly explaining to grown kids that partner is dead in the bedroom is not an easy conversation.......... and while i have considered it i do not want to end up with half my assets and alone. |
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m76
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Post by m76 on Aug 14, 2023 14:13:42 GMT -5
In an ideal world, I'd love to find a woman in the same boat that would be open to a FWB arrangement. Those women are few and generally know they can have the pick of the many more men in the same situation.
Actually I take that back... in an ideal world my wife would want to be intimate but that ship has sailed.
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