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Post by toughtiger on Aug 14, 2023 14:42:34 GMT -5
In an ideal world, I'd love to find a woman in the same boat that would be open to a FWB arrangement. Those women are few and generally know they can have the pick of the many more men in the same situation. Actually I take that back... in an ideal world my wife would want to be intimate but that ship has sailed. I have spoken to many women and we may not be as vocal as men but there are many of us out there.... It is just we hide in shame that it is somehow our fault or have had our self esteem hit rock bottom. Men can say wife cut them off and she is seen as cold .... tell them hubby cut you off it is you are ugly / out of shape or MEN get a pass excused medically .... double standard keeps women quiet about it. |
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m76
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Post by m76 on Aug 14, 2023 14:52:40 GMT -5
In an ideal world, I'd love to find a woman in the same boat that would be open to a FWB arrangement. Those women are few and generally know they can have the pick of the many more men in the same situation. Actually I take that back... in an ideal world my wife would want to be intimate but that ship has sailed. I have spoken to many women and we may not be as vocal as men but there are many of us out there.... It is just we hide in shame that it is somehow our fault or have had our self esteem hit rock bottom. Men can say wife cut them off and she is seen as cold .... tell them hubby cut you off it is you are ugly / out of shape or MEN get a pass excused medically .... double standard keeps women quiet about it. Sorry about what you're going through. You're right about the double standard. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 14, 2023 17:46:02 GMT -5
It is extremely frustrating and so many sites advice is just divorce ... it is not as simple in long term situations........ where some finance issues are involved. I worked hard to grow our nest egg and worked FT / raised kids etc ................while he was a spendthrift and NOW That he has decided .....WE are celibate without any consideration about me...i am supposed to give him half........ seriously NO. It started 12 years ago i believe LOW T and then just failure after failure with ED ...... i sound harsh as a wife but here is truth .......i was left to think it was my fault......... SO i lost weight /got in shape / bought sexy underwear / nighties..... did my hair different /changed lotions in case he disliked the scent/ changed toothpaste was paranoid it was my breath....... because he was NOT man enough to tell the truth. NOT once did he talk to a doctor ......still hasn't......... just said that part of OUR life is over he bought numerous BS "cures" over the internet or supplements big waste of $$$$.(long ago when he was going downhill) let himself go guess he figured that would turn me off... doubt he has seen his parts except in mirror..... our young grandchild asked him when baby was due...... only times attempts were made was ON his schedule ...... threw back sheet and expected me with ZERO foreplay to hop aboard for the 2 minute ride (if lucky) then was MAD that i was not all hot and bothered and screaming OH BABY .... now after a incident with A fib his medication KILLED the Maybe 2 minutes every 3-6 month rodeo attempts ( that ended badly both disappointed ) I read up on living with ED......................... told him we could do other things. but he will not even look at me runs away if i am nude changing etc ...ran into a door jam to avoid seeing me come out of the shower. when he hugs me feels like an awkward hug from a distant relative at a bad family reunion. I had the long nice therapy like " i feel" statement talk......... and it went NO where.... suggested couples therapy/ gym / talking with doctor together.... NO is all i hear. There are sooo many of us living this way been on other forums and talking in person ect and many out here... .Most lie and deny and i did too for awhile but now i can't i need some attention. I suggested an open type thing as there are men whose wives for who knows why have zero interest so a FWB thing seemed logical.... He freaked out told me that would KILL our marriage........ but his cheating 23 years ago was OK i guess.... At least i am honest about it. i have an online friend and we both in same shoes but great distance away ....I know it is not me friend /neighbor men and others out and about notice me ... i know my friend will not leave his situation ...... money and frankly explaining to grown kids that partner is dead in the bedroom is not an easy conversation.......... and while i have considered it i do not want to end up with half my assets and alone. toughtiger,.....you hit the site like a 50cal machine gun,....but I like it I can identify with so much of your posting, only I am seeing it from a male predpective. You do not give your age but I am guessing somewhere in the 50's, doesn't matter. At 74 let me tell you very few women in my age demographic are interested in sex or intimacy. God only knows how many profiles I have seen from women who give their check list for a man. Almost all say the same thing. Looking for a best friend, and someone who wants to travel. Never anything about intimacy or sex, like it some kind of foreign concept to them. Vertually all of us here would love to have an active and satisfying sex life, and almost none of us do. As a man with ED issues I can assure you there are medications for both men and women that make it possible to please and pleasure one's partner. But a man or woman must want to have that intimacy as part of their life. My X could have ask her Dr. for HRT but she choose not to, I on the other hand have consistantly done everything I know how to remain sexually functional despite my age (74). I do not fault you one bit for thinking about a FWB. I tried to convince my X to go along with one for me. But she would not condone that fix for our SM. She moved out of the bedroom rather than have to put up with my advances. SM is said to effect some 20% or so( I think) of all marriages. Neither sex can have all the blame laid at their feet. But whatever the cause I for one refuse to give up. I am determined to find another woman who values sex and intimacy as I do. It will surely take some time and effort but I know there are women that will still f* uck me down to a nub. I just have to find them. The same is probably true for you. There are tons of men who are compatable with you and who would jump at the chance to have a relationship with you. If you want it, go for it. |
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Post by toughtiger on Aug 14, 2023 19:47:25 GMT -5
I am sorry if i came on site too strong ... i had a bad morning. yes i am in my mid 50s..........
i know it will sound shallow but i got up walked out to kitchen in a very flattering night gown and started making coffee ......
he literally had only a few minutes until he needed to leave for work....... but spent the entire time with his back to me
muttered something about have a nice day then gushed all over the dog to say goodbye.
It should have not bothered me i went to bathroom to look in mirror looked fine the walking around so his back is to me thing was on purpose and spiteful. I have been on a few sites thinking others would understand but they are full of blowhards about try harder ..... i have tried and tried and let him in the mean time walk all over me ... well i have had it with trying.
He refuses to do anything about his health or talk to anyone about his ED .. there is no shame in that even told him we could find work around he said and i quote not rubbing me with hand he thinks he has start of carpel tunnel and needs wrists for golf.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 15, 2023 9:35:02 GMT -5
toughtiger, it seems to me that you are already alone. Also, consider your finances against this: you work and he spends, as my ex did. Five years out, I cannot confirm this but I believe my ex has blown through her cash while I am doing better, but if I had stayed I would still be working eighty hour weeks only to look at the checking account balance to see it on empty. So, if you plan on staying, put that man on a budget or cut him off and make him earn his keep. Second, I think you have less to lose than you think setting down ultimatums, whether finance or relationship and intimacy issues. Be firm. Don't shred your cred.
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 15, 2023 10:05:09 GMT -5
I am sorry if i came on site too strong ... i had a bad morning. yes i am in my mid 50s.......... i know it will sound shallow but i got up walked out to kitchen in a very flattering night gown and started making coffee ...... he literally had only a few minutes until he needed to leave for work....... but spent the entire time with his back to me muttered something about have a nice day then gushed all over the dog to say goodbye. It should have not bothered me i went to bathroom to look in mirror looked fine the walking around so his back is to me thing was on purpose and spiteful. I have been on a few sites thinking others would understand but they are full of blowhards about try harder ..... i have tried and tried and let him in the mean time walk all over me ... well i have had it with trying. He refuses to do anything about his health or talk to anyone about his ED .. there is no shame in that even told him we could find work around he said and i quote not rubbing me with hand he thinks he has start of carpel tunnel and needs wrists for golf. if my X had come into the kitchen in a flattering nightgown she would have quickly found herself bent over the counter and my member filing her. But once we became sexless she was careful to seldom to be anything other than fully clothed around me. We all make our own decisions. Unfortunately your H has decided your happiness is of little importance to him. My X took the same route. When golf becomes more important than having sex with your spouse it is time to stick a fork in the marriage, it's done. |
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Post by aquacat on Aug 15, 2023 10:35:45 GMT -5
My wife refuses to wear anything sexy even when I suggest she put on something sexy. It’s always “maybe” or “not tonight but maybe tomorrow”.
My will against looking outside my marriage is starting to crack the more the resentment sets in again. I want to feel desired and be with a woman who’s into the same things sexually that I am.
OP, if you were my wife and wore something revealing like that I can assure you I’d notice and take the hint. Sucks your husband doesn’t notice.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Aug 15, 2023 11:45:07 GMT -5
toughtiger, it seems to me that you are already alone. Also, consider your finances against this: you work and he spends, as my ex did. Five years out, I cannot confirm this but I believe my ex has blown through her cash while I am doing better, but if I had stayed I would still be working eighty hour weeks only to look at the checking account balance to see it on empty. So, if you plan on staying, put that man on a budget or cut him off and make him earn his keep. Second, I think you have less to lose than you think setting down ultimatums, whether finance or relationship and intimacy issues. Be firm. Don't shred your cred. I totally agree. I left with my personal items and half his 401k . He makes more and gets bonuses and almost any over time he wants. He spent us into debt I think partly to make it hard to leave. I managed to pay off everything but the house. And got a small savings which we split. He's broke and has run the debt back up |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 15, 2023 12:40:52 GMT -5
"I've been married for 25 years. 15 of those have been sexless. I stopped trying to initiate sex a long time ago but I did try once again about a year ago. Tried to talk about it and she basically said that its not something she's ever interested again and hopes that I still love her. I do... but I feel lonely.
I'm still trying to decide if its worthwhile to stay with a friend or walk away.
I have two teenagers, one in university. A divorce would likely ruin me financially."
Talk to a lawyer. When I did, I found out I was in a community property state and half of all assets (except inheritances) and debts would be mine if we divorced. I divorced -- age 62-- and have now been in a relationship for 10 years with a man who loves sex and loves me.
It's up to you to decide whether to divorce. However, whatever you decide, kill your hopes of having a fulfilling sex life -- or any sex life -- with your husband. Keep in mind that if you take a lover, that may lead to divorce as well as estrangement from your kids so don't make any impulsive decisions
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Post by toughtiger on Aug 15, 2023 13:54:51 GMT -5
toughtiger , it seems to me that you are already alone. Also, consider your finances against this: you work and he spends, as my ex did. Five years out, I cannot confirm this but I believe my ex has blown through her cash while I am doing better, but if I had stayed I would still be working eighty hour weeks only to look at the checking account balance to see it on empty. So, if you plan on staying, put that man on a budget or cut him off and make him earn his keep. Second, I think you have less to lose than you think setting down ultimatums, whether finance or relationship and intimacy issues. Be firm. Don't shred your cred. Thanks for the suggestions ... i know finances to some seem silly but at a certain age, most imo do not want to extend or worry about ... my working life farther down the road. He spends freely on himself and his salary is in our joint acct ...... All my money goes in accts that are in my name only........ but in divorce and such i am sure the property i own in my name only and investments/ cds/ accounts will be targets. That was sort of the deal all these years i save and invest out of his sight so no urge to spend spend spend .......... while he has paid a majority of everyday bills.... No doubt IF and when i leave he will mess everything up as he cannot seem to open and pay bills etc on time. Last night he was nicer then normal makes me crazy to wonder why i think he was concerned i was mad and i will leave him.... he does not care ABOUT ME ... IMO but does not like the thought of neighbors/ kids/ others knowing i am anything but thrilled just to know him...... LMAO. |
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 16, 2023 7:08:57 GMT -5
toughtiger , it seems to me that you are already alone. Also, consider your finances against this: you work and he spends, as my ex did. Five years out, I cannot confirm this but I believe my ex has blown through her cash while I am doing better, but if I had stayed I would still be working eighty hour weeks only to look at the checking account balance to see it on empty. So, if you plan on staying, put that man on a budget or cut him off and make him earn his keep. Second, I think you have less to lose than you think setting down ultimatums, whether finance or relationship and intimacy issues. Be firm. Don't shred your cred. Thanks for the suggestions ... i know finances to some seem silly but at a certain age, most imo do not want to extend or worry about ... my working life farther down the road. He spends freely on himself and his salary is in our joint acct ...... All my money goes in accts that are in my name only........ but in divorce and such i am sure the property i own in my name only and investments/ cds/ accounts will be targets. That was sort of the deal all these years i save and invest out of his sight so no urge to spend spend spend .......... while he has paid a majority of everyday bills.... No doubt IF and when i leave he will mess everything up as he cannot seem to open and pay bills etc on time. Last night he was nicer then normal makes me crazy to wonder why i think he was concerned i was mad and i will leave him.... he does not care ABOUT ME ... IMO but does not like the thought of neighbors/ kids/ others knowing i am anything but thrilled just to know him...... LMAO. Laws vary, but, speak with a lawyer to find out how things will shake out. Most lawyers will give you the first half hour for free. Even if you spend a few hundred, it's important to know where you stand and what your options are, even if you choose to stay. In general, everything you worked for since getting married is split 50/50. If you have money from before the marriage, even one dollar of marital money mixed into the account jeopardizes all of it. In the state where my divorce happened, children's college expenses are split 30% for each parent and 40% for the offspring. All that is subject to the judges discretion and bias. |
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Post by jerri on Aug 17, 2023 23:39:08 GMT -5
I told my husband I was stepping out of the marriage for sex. He hated it it and told me he was leaving me. I didn't want a divorce and told him so. I explained how a polyamory book might help us along with therapy and how we could both get what we wanted. Jealousy set in. So I combed the book and polyamory forum on Jealousy and how to handle it. It was also very important that I eased my husbands fears one by one. I got into a "don't ask don't tell" arrangement because because he didn't like me calling when I went to go visit my boyfriend. I also did not let my husband do what I was doing. I would welcome it today. But at the time, I thought I would only allow him to do it if he was shagging me as well. I thought going elsewhere for sex was already a slap in the face.
I did my best to be as sweet and loving as possible And I did not give up any intimacy with him.
I had to go through all sorts of reassurance because he would not go to therapy with me.
I was very open with him until it really started to upset him and then he preferred that I don't Tell him what I was doing any longer. He basically wanted me to keep it a secret. We agreed that I would tell him that I was going shopping or for ice cream or for a drive.
We were supposed to create rules together for the relationship outside of the relationship but he wouldn't do it so I created them on my own with my mentor always putting him number one. So I told him I would be lying to him just to protect His psyche. I told him that every once in a while I would be checking back in with them for sex. So quarterly I would check back in with him and he started telling me "I thought we had an agreement". The most important thing I did was Not allow him to pick my partners. And another thing that I realized was that my boyfriend wanted to be loved and he wanted to go out together and have sex and I decided I would not tell my husband about that part of it. I just told my husband that it was all about sex and that's it. me and my boyfriend had An agreement that we would not interrupt our own families. My boyfriend wanted to leave his wife sooner or later but I did not want to leave my husband at all. After a while my boyfriend decided that he could use that same model for him and his wife so he started doing the same thing. Both of us were naive because we thought our families we're going to accept this with open arms as a way not to have sex.
It was very hard for me to play nice when he was attacking me because he was so lost and felt unloved. Imagine that!
I think I Have the same mindset as you do and I don't want to give half of my assets away. I would rather roll the dice and see who dies first.
I made some mistakes like telling him over and over what I was doing to make sure that that's what he wanted. The therapist told me what do you want?
I like the way Mirror Orchid did his. Me and my boyfriend used all of the excuses that they had given us against them. In the most loving conversatioal way...
"What is the big deal? It's just sex","I am not giving anything that you want away"...sex isn't important to you anyway. We already know we love each other. We don't have to have sex to prove it." "It's not like we want children" Plus you just don't think about sex" so it's not really a big deal.
The number one mistake that I think couples make is they ask for permission to go outside of the marriage for sex period... There became a point where I was so upset that I didn't ask for permission. I just told him I was going to do it.
Roughly a third of couples don't have sex so why would I go roll the dice? And then lose half of my assets? No way.
When my husband asks about my sexual relationships I just tell him that My sex life private for me.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 18, 2023 6:05:46 GMT -5
All my money goes in accts that are in my name only........ but in divorce and such i am sure the property i own in my name only and investments/ cds/ accounts will be targets. That was sort of the deal all these years i save and invest out of his sight so no urge to spend spend spend .......... while he has paid a majority of everyday bills.... No doubt IF and when i leave he will mess everything up as he cannot seem to open and pay bills etc on time. My divorce was 5 yrs.ago,and is documented on this forum. My ex works as an Electrical Engineer and worked in top security govt. clearance positions. So she could move her/our money around on her computer at work and their was no way for me,and my attorney to get access to it. Near the end of our dragged out (by my ex) 18month , 5 different attorney's (hers) divorce, I discovered that she had transferred about $300,000 in accounts. My attorney informed me "You have the proof that it was there. You have the proof that she withdrew the money. Now it's up to you to find it. When you do call me and you'll easily get half or all of it." Who knows where it is? her sisters account some where? In an account over seas? So their are ways to 'work' the system. Side note: My ex was questioned under oath about the moving of the money. Her responses " I don't know? I have no idea?" Just a testimony about what I was dealing with! The same woman who ,on the evening when I told her I filed for divorce said to me " I see you spent $22 on clothes the other day". I informed her " Yes. Yes I did, I bought 3 sleeveless shirts to wear to the gym, $7 a piece!"( Still own and wear them today!) Can you say- manipulative controller?!! You can also with draw all but a penny from a joint account,and claim it for 'living expenses' right before the divorce and your spouse won't have a legal leg to stand on. Things to ask an attorney about. Here's to "new beginnings!!" |
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Post by toughtiger on Aug 18, 2023 15:22:44 GMT -5
All my money goes in accts that are in my name only........ but in divorce and such i am sure the property i own in my name only and investments/ cds/ accounts will be targets. That was sort of the deal all these years i save and invest out of his sight so no urge to spend spend spend .......... while he has paid a majority of everyday bills.... No doubt IF and when i leave he will mess everything up as he cannot seem to open and pay bills etc on time. My divorce was 5 yrs.ago,and is documented on this forum. My ex works as an Electrical Engineer and worked in top security govt. clearance positions. So she could move her/our money around on her computer at work and their was no way for me,and my attorney to get access to it. Near the end of our dragged out (by my ex) 18month , 5 different attorney's (hers) divorce, I discovered that she had transferred about $300,000 in accounts. My attorney informed me "You have the proof that it was there. You have the proof that she withdrew the money. Now it's up to you to find it. When you do call me and you'll easily get half or all of it." Who knows where it is? her sisters account some where? In an account over seas? So their are ways to 'work' the system. Side note: My ex was questioned under oath about the moving of the money. Her responses " I don't know? I have no idea?" Just a testimony about what I was dealing with! The same woman who ,on the evening when I told her I filed for divorce said to me " I see you spent $22 on clothes the other day". I informed her " Yes. Yes I did, I bought 3 sleeveless shirts to wear to the gym, $7 a piece!"( Still own and wear them today!) Can you say- manipulative controller?!! You can also with draw all but a penny from a joint account,and claim it for 'living expenses' right before the divorce and your spouse won't have a legal leg to stand on. Things to ask an attorney about. Here's to "new beginnings!!" Thanks for your response Well if nothing else you have shown me that things could be much worse.... it is a bunch of anger at the moment..... do not think i should do things in anger ..... talking about things on this site has helped some as others really get it and can understand ..... some other forums are insane with people who make moronic suggestions like "have a date night " as if we all in this situation could not come up with that GEM... I have a lot of work to do to really understand my feelings... The no sex thing started a snowball of I met someone who is in similar shoes (SM) and we chat and video spend time together and this person makes me feel alive and wanted.... it may sound silly but even though my feelings for spouse are almost all gone....... i just feel fooled that there ever was something ..... How could someone treat their spouse like this and still to my face tells me he LOVES me ...seriously i do not think he knows what that word means. |
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Post by toughtiger on Aug 18, 2023 15:39:33 GMT -5
I told my husband I was stepping out of the marriage for sex. He hated it it and told me he was leaving me. I didn't want a divorce and told him so. I explained how a polyamory book might help us along with therapy and how we could both get what we wanted. Jealousy set in. So I combed the book and polyamory forum on Jealousy and how to handle it. It was also very important that I eased my husbands fears one by one. I got into a "don't ask don't tell" arrangement because because he didn't like me calling when I went to go visit my boyfriend. I also did not let my husband do what I was doing. I would welcome it today. But at the time, I thought I would only allow him to do it if he was shagging me as well. I thought going elsewhere for sex was already a slap in the face. I did my best to be as sweet and loving as possible And I did not give up any intimacy with him. I had to go through all sorts of reassurance because he would not go to therapy with me. I was very open with him until it really started to upset him and then he preferred that I don't Tell him what I was doing any longer. He basically wanted me to keep it a secret. We agreed that I would tell him that I was going shopping or for ice cream or for a drive. We were supposed to create rules together for the relationship outside of the relationship but he wouldn't do it so I created them on my own with my mentor always putting him number one. So I told him I would be lying to him just to protect His psyche. I told him that every once in a while I would be checking back in with them for sex. So quarterly I would check back in with him and he started telling me "I thought we had an agreement". The most important thing I did was Not allow him to pick my partners. And another thing that I realized was that my boyfriend wanted to be loved and he wanted to go out together and have sex and I decided I would not tell my husband about that part of it. I just told my husband that it was all about sex and that's it. me and my boyfriend had An agreement that we would not interrupt our own families. My boyfriend wanted to leave his wife sooner or later but I did not want to leave my husband at all. After a while my boyfriend decided that he could use that same model for him and his wife so he started doing the same thing. Both of us were naive because we thought our families we're going to accept this with open arms as a way not to have sex. It was very hard for me to play nice when he was attacking me because he was so lost and felt unloved. Imagine that! I think I Have the same mindset as you do and I don't want to give half of my assets away. I would rather roll the dice and see who dies first. I made some mistakes like telling him over and over what I was doing to make sure that that's what he wanted. The therapist told me what do you want? I like the way Mirror Orchid did his. Me and my boyfriend used all of the excuses that they had given us against them. In the most loving conversatioal way... "What is the big deal? It's just sex","I am not giving anything that you want away"...sex isn't important to you anyway. We already know we love each other. We don't have to have sex to prove it." "It's not like we want children" Plus you just don't think about sex" so it's not really a big deal. The number one mistake that I think couples make is they ask for permission to go outside of the marriage for sex period... There became a point where I was so upset that I didn't ask for permission. I just told him I was going to do it. Roughly a third of couples don't have sex so why would I go roll the dice? And then lose half of my assets? No way. When my husband asks about my sexual relationships I just tell him that My sex life private for me. This speaks exactly to what i am feeling and want to do with my future..... |
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