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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 4, 2024 4:56:44 GMT -5
Fair enough, I was referring to what Dr. Psych Mom says. She does give some male supportive articles and posts, but all in all - very excuse after excuse about justifying Women's drop in libido and minimizing accountability - Men have to keep dating and romancing, but also saying that Women's libido goes away almost to zero after marriage and that's Ok, you still have to romance, etc.. She says repeatedly that neglected physical touch as a part of the relationship isn't smart. She also implies frequency in positive statements such as "if you're getting some every week, that's about par for the course and you have to ask if you're being unrealistic." The flip side of that statement would be if you're getting a lot less than that, Psychmom thinks you're getting shortchanged. She'll then throw out a tempo of twice a month as pushing limits. I don't think of her explanations for diminished libido as excuses. Just observations of biological mechanisms to be aware of and countered with cerebral decisions to do things that do not come naturally. isthisit What Mark Manson material impressed you?
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Post by csl on Oct 4, 2024 7:43:32 GMT -5
Mine claims hers is responsive desire which is why I must initiate all the time. I am not much keen on that response. Primarily, because this focuses only on what is important to her, at the expense of what is important to you, which is not what a marriage is supposed to be about. Also, the human race has survived because we have evolved to learn from our experiences. How hard is initiating for your benefit if she has learned that she gets into it fairly quickly? Your wife is plain, old selfish. I agree with this "diagnosis." Yes, responsive desire is real, but she is using it as a crutch, an excuse. There is a way that a wife who knows that she is a responsive-desire person can initiate, and that is by being intentional. Knowing her proclivities, she could plan and make time for intimacy. That she doesn't speaks volumes.
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 392
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Post by m76 on Oct 9, 2024 18:44:44 GMT -5
So, I've mentioned this before but I have a woman I work with that I've become friends with, she knows everything about my current situation and I've been hanging out with her just to go on walks and talk about shows that we both like and things like that.
Well it was my birthday last weekend my wife said I can go out and get myself something...that was the extent on my birthday celebrations.
The next day I meet my friend for a walk and she has with her some of the dessert from a local bakery then I mentioned once. Not only did she remember my birthday, but she remembered something minor about me mentioned in passing months before.
I was shocked, I've never experienced this kind of genuine care and interest in what I want. I held it together at the time but broke down after I got home... is this what real caring is like?
Since then we've continued to talk and I've made arrangements with her to meet at her place this weekend. I don't know if anything intimate will happen but I just want to be around her, someone that actually gives a shit about me.
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Post by lonelyhubby on Oct 10, 2024 7:18:09 GMT -5
That's really what it is - not just about the physical act - the act giving that security of relationship and connection that someone actually does give a shit about you on a level that a simple roommate will never be able to.
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Post by lonelytiger on Oct 10, 2024 14:14:12 GMT -5
I can totally see the emotional connection being absent in your marriage from how you describe the relationship with your wife. I sometimes feel the same way in mine and I can relate that if another woman cared enough to remember me like that it would make me cry. My wife does at least care for me like that so that part isn't missing; just the physical connection is.
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diode
Junior Member
Posts: 68
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Post by diode on Oct 10, 2024 18:04:36 GMT -5
So, I've mentioned this before but I have a woman I work with that I've become friends with, she knows everything about my current situation and I've been hanging out with her just to go on walks and talk about shows that we both like and things like that. Well it was my birthday last weekend my wife said I can go out and get myself something...that was the extent on my birthday celebrations. The next day I meet my friend for a walk and she has with her some of the dessert from a local bakery then I mentioned once. Not only did she remember my birthday, but she remembered something minor about me mentioned in passing months before. I was shocked, I've never experienced this kind of genuine care and interest in what I want. I held it together at the time but broke down after I got home... is this what real caring is like? Since then we've continued to talk and I've made arrangements with her to meet at her place this weekend. I don't know if anything intimate will happen but I just want to be around her, someone that actually gives a shit about me. That sounds like a green light to me
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 15, 2024 9:53:27 GMT -5
Well it was my birthday last weekend my wife said I can go out and get myself something...that was the extent on my birthday celebrations. The next day I meet my friend for a walk and she has with her some of the dessert from a local bakery then I mentioned once. Not only did she remember my birthday, but she remembered something minor about me mentioned in passing months before. I was shocked, I've never experienced this kind of genuine care and interest in what I want. I held it together at the time but broke down after I got home... is this what real caring is like? This is what I mean when I go on about all the "upstream" relationship business when people are focused on the downstream results, like sex. Deep down, intuitively, we realize the framing of "everything is great but the sex" and "you'd risk your relationship to instead get sex" - is baloney. Everything is NOT great except the sex. It's sometimes harder to notice the rest of it.
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 392
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Post by m76 on Oct 15, 2024 13:43:31 GMT -5
Well it was my birthday last weekend my wife said I can go out and get myself something...that was the extent on my birthday celebrations. The next day I meet my friend for a walk and she has with her some of the dessert from a local bakery then I mentioned once. Not only did she remember my birthday, but she remembered something minor about me mentioned in passing months before. I was shocked, I've never experienced this kind of genuine care and interest in what I want. I held it together at the time but broke down after I got home... is this what real caring is like? This is what I mean when I go on about all the "upstream" relationship business when people are focused on the downstream results, like sex. Deep down, intuitively, we realize the framing of "everything is great but the sex" and "you'd risk your relationship to instead get sex" - is baloney. Everything is NOT great except the sex. It's sometimes harder to notice the rest of it. You're right. It's easy to think that everything is fine because we don't fight and we get along fine as friends. That doesn't mean the relationship is fine. The more I hang out with and talk to my other friend I'm realizing how much I'm missing.
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