Long time sexless marriage

It sounds very difficult for your wife, and I am sorry to know about her background. I hope she can get some therapy and support with coming to terms with her emotionally challenging family history. For her, and also for you, as it isn’t fair to make her issues a burden for you and your quality of life. I’m still unconvinced she can claim no desire while self-servicing though. There is desire, but other stuff is getting in the way which makes more sense. I hope it works out for you. 

Regarding your reference to her weight gain, this is an issue often raised here by men with avoidant wives. It’s really sad that women fall for the myth that women can only be sexually attractive under a certain weight/dress size/body shape. It seems to me from comments made here that very many men retain their attraction to, and desire for, their spouses despite large weight gains. 

Yep, there is almost always room for a range of views on most topics here, after all, none of us look through exactly the same lens. This place is at its best when differing perspectives are cordially discussed and debated. I simply disagree with your wife. For me, “physical sense of urgency” (to masturbate) is always part of a “sexual context”. I can’t wrap my head around a division of these concepts, but that’s my lens, and my normal libido, at play. 

There was a long time when I was avoidant with my then-partner, but continued to feel "physical urgency" which was indeed always part of a "sexual context". 

I did have physical urges though and handled them alone typically, and occasionally with my neglected partner, who likely viewed it as "progress" in fits and starts.
I was either averse to her - something intuitively not sitting right with me - or to the situation of being invested in a fulsome relationship with "my best friend" at the time and the responsibility and permanence that meant.

After a several years, I had what I can only describe as an epiphany moment and came to see her, and myself, and my future differently. I wanted to build a future with her, invest in us, and see it through with her. When I did that - when I chose to lean into the relationship and finally "arrive" and take on the mantle that had been offered - my desire for her strengthened and became very strong and remained that way for decades - seemingly impossible for me to uproot even when I found myself in a place where I desperately needed to.

Because - I found this out later in life - another layer of tragedy here was that many people choose an improbable, or implausible relationship (eg. an affair, a long distance relationship, a relationship with someone who has incompatible values or lifestyle, a relationship with someone who doesn't quite seem them that way), it's because they, themselves also don't want to choose to lean into something permanent. They seek baked-in external limits.

Since that time, I've noticed that many people have a wedding, but not as many actually have both partners show up for the marriage. 

For those people who find themselves "married" to someone when they haven't truly embraced that person and that life, the marriage is a state of imprisonment. It's something to endure, to survive, to transact on, or to eventually escape from. The person they married becomes their jailor.

So, my point in this sprawl of observations and anecdotes is that it seems plausible to be sexually avoidant in a marriage while still being highly sexual, IF you either haven't embraced your partner or the circumstance of being married and everything that means.

Mine claims hers is responsive desire which is why I must initiate all the time.

She does a great job of justifying Women's no libido issues, but RARELY puts it in context as a problem that Women need to address. Always makes vague statements like "Never having sex is not good.." But never says that that doesn't mean once a year, or once a month..... Or once every 9 years... But men, they have to CONTSANTLY date, be romantic, switch things up, work to please, etc... It's exasperating

I am not much keen on that response. Primarily, because this focuses only on what is important to her, at the expense of what is important to you, which is not what a marriage is supposed to be about. Also, the human race has survived because we have evolved to learn from our experiences. How hard is initiating for your benefit if she has learned that she gets into it fairly quickly?

Your wife is plain, old selfish. 

Fair enough, I was referring to what Dr. Psych Mom says. She does give some male supportive articles and posts, but all in all - very excuse after excuse about justifying Women's drop in libido and minimizing accountability - Men have to keep dating and romancing, but also saying that Women's libido goes away almost to zero after marriage and that's Ok, you still have to romance, etc..