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Post by isthisit on Oct 28, 2024 12:11:02 GMT -5
So, everything 50/50? Some things, yes, technically, but not really in the way it counts. You make it sound like my choices are to be poor and miserable or better off and miserable. Yep, it is 50:50 in the U.K. too, but that is the starting point rather than a simplistic fraction, as there is a lot of detail to consider. The reality is that 50:50 encompasses loads of items to consider such as house value/equity, pension impacts of raising children, any debts, earning potential, years to work before retirement options come into play and other items are considered to decide what 50:50 looks like for an individual couple. It sure is scary to consider when choosing to exit or not. But honestly, as long as you can put milk in the fridge, what are you going to buy with that money which is more valuable than enjoying the rest of your life? Please try to have confidence in yourself to manage the finances and a new lifestyle if necessary, and crucially to find happiness. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 28, 2024 13:22:44 GMT -5
I'm in the same jurisdiction. I understand your general scenario from what you've written above, but it's very easy for people here to misunderstand the real world application of settlements and get surprised. I'll give you an example that's pretty close to home. Imagine two working parents, where one makes more than the other. The one who makes more must pay the one who makes less a substantial amount of money - including from the RRSP and a cash settlement, ongoing. The other parent inherits a large amount of wealth during the course of the separation, drastically raising her lifestyle over what was enjoyed during marriage. The one who had the higher salary during marriage though, is still on the hook to play this millionaire, selling the car to her and a substantial portion of his share of the house. And apparently that was a good result for the guy compared to most. So, everything 50/50? Some things, yes, technically, but not really in the way it counts. You make it sound like my choices are to be poor and miserable or better off and miserable. It's likely worse than that for two reasons: 1. In many different jurisdictions, the length of marriage and/or age of the couple can end up tripping a threshold that crosses into lifetime spousal support rather than a set amount across a specific period. So running the clock to save money can end up costing more. Life-changing amounts. I'll say again what others say. If anyone finds themselves in a similar situation on this board, telling a story about your dysfunctional and unsatisfying relationship, you stand a very good chance of getting a divorce sooner, or later. 2. Most people come to this board with the expectation that they are the ones who are holding the stopwatch on how long the marriage lasts. What the data frequently indicate though, is that the one who initiates divorce and/or things that directly contribute to the immediate end of a marriage (example, an affair), tend to be the person who seems overall less invested in the marriage (investment can be defined in different ways). So, people may come to believe they have cosmically bargained and will suffer (with great effort) a celibate marriage, or something contemptuous, or whatever the problem is, rather than suffering a divorce. But, then be surprised (several years on) to find that the withholding spouse calls it quits anyway - likely because they are unhappy too. So you could feasibly be poor and miserable or poor and miserable, depending on how things shake out. I've never heard of an easy divorce. My point: it's better to be informed about the risks your are facing and what can be done to mitigate or accommodate them, rather than being surprised by them down the road. If I had done that when the first BIG direct hit to our marriage happened, rather than suffering it nobly, I may well have chosen a different course of action. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 28, 2024 18:53:16 GMT -5
I’m refusing if she wants snuggles tonight. She initiated sex this morning which wasn’t too bad though it’s the usual foreplay on her and starfish position to finish. I cannot for the life of me get her to be willing to touch me sexually or pay any attention to my groin area. After that she hasn’t reached out to hold my hand since this morning, I had to initiate that, even though the last few days she’s reached out for my hand. I provided close hugs and heated kissing when I was prepping my profile on OKcupid and texting with Kathy, providing for Mrs. MirrorOrchid's needs of being cared for/wanted. Because I was taking steps to have an outlet opportunities to express myself physically, all the platonic stuff that was so frustrating took on the character of being "extra". I enjoy the expressions of love I have for my wife for their own sake. They were torture because they overlap with foreplay and there was no "play" to follow. A nasty part of my sexlessness experience was the unknown. When could closeness lead to more? Was it over and this multi-month hiatus was actually permanent and I wouldn't know for months? If I was planning my outsourcing. It didn't matter. I'd be getting sex on the regular and if my wife wanted more of it, it was a bonus, not my salvation. Withholding affection strikes me as earning more of the grudging starfish nonsense you don't like or less even f that due to resentment and/or claims that her needs aren't met either. Are you doing it as leverage, or revenge? Or are you doing it to protect yourself? Is starfish satisfying the need, even if it's successful as minimally as possible? Efforts to "fix" a sexless marriage are understandable and I've seen such things work for refused ILIASM wives, but only week5of35years seems to have turned a refuser wife without directly threatening monogamy. (he can correct me if the "D" word or open marriage was floated and I've forgotten) |
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Post by week5of35years on Oct 31, 2024 7:36:49 GMT -5
I mentioned in our Talk in Nov '23 that "at the end of this conversation I will not be walking out", I suppose this in itself made it clear that I had thought of divorce etc. In the course of later conversations I have said to my W that I was surprised that we are not either divorced or living as housemates pending divorce .... but that was after things started to improve significantly and there would have been less threat to the mentioning of those things....
I my mind I was clear though.... that had her response to The Talk been "touch luck", and only an offer to maintain the status quo, the conversation would have immediately pivoted to housemates/divorce.. I am simply not prepared to enter my dotage and die with so much of my sex life/possible experiences stolen away by her years of refusals, there is so much unexplored...
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Post by lonelyhubby on Nov 2, 2024 7:39:39 GMT -5
DB streak is broken. She initiated, not a short session although my anxiety issues kicked in and make it difficult - she persevered, was oral to assist and we had a really good 2-3 hours of connecting. She said I need to not self pleasure and we will be doing more this week, so I need to be ready. Keeping my fingers crossed.
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m76
Full Member
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Post by m76 on Nov 3, 2024 8:34:58 GMT -5
So it all comes crashing down....
Last night my wife and i had a planned intimacy date and I turned it down. My expectation of a half hearted hand job was not appealing.
This morning she wanted to talk about what was wrong. So I told her I know she doesn't have any desire and that I didn't want her to do anything she doesn't want. She then said last night she may have wanted more but didn't push.
So I point blank asked her if she will ever want to do more then what we have been. Her answer was "Maybe".
I think that says it all.
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Post by week5of35years on Nov 4, 2024 3:58:10 GMT -5
In my history... Maybe = NO, along with a whole other list of hopium dodges...
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 4, 2024 5:50:29 GMT -5
So it all comes crashing down.... Last night my wife and i had a planned intimacy date and I turned it down. My expectation of a half hearted hand job was not appealing. This morning she wanted to talk about what was wrong. So I told her I know she doesn't have any desire and that I didn't want her to do anything she doesn't want. She then said last night she may have wanted more but didn't push. So I point blank asked her if she will ever want to do more then what we have been. Her answer was "Maybe". I think that says it all. How did you feel about turning down mediocre romance? |
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Post by lonelytiger on Nov 4, 2024 10:07:11 GMT -5
DB streak is broken. She initiated, not a short session although my anxiety issues kicked in and make it difficult - she persevered, was oral to assist and we had a really good 2-3 hours of connecting. She said I need to not self pleasure and we will be doing more this week, so I need to be ready. Keeping my fingers crossed. That's awesome! I have read your posts leading up to this but what do you think was the catalyst for this change? |
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Post by lonelytiger on Nov 4, 2024 10:07:47 GMT -5
So it all comes crashing down.... Last night my wife and i had a planned intimacy date and I turned it down. My expectation of a half hearted hand job was not appealing. This morning she wanted to talk about what was wrong. So I told her I know she doesn't have any desire and that I didn't want her to do anything she doesn't want. She then said last night she may have wanted more but didn't push. So I point blank asked her if she will ever want to do more then what we have been. Her answer was "Maybe". I think that says it all. I am so sorry to hear this m76. I hate hearing "maybe" as I know what they really means. |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Nov 4, 2024 12:40:54 GMT -5
DB streak is broken. She initiated, not a short session although my anxiety issues kicked in and make it difficult - she persevered, was oral to assist and we had a really good 2-3 hours of connecting. She said I need to not self pleasure and we will be doing more this week, so I need to be ready. Keeping my fingers crossed. That's awesome! I have read your posts leading up to this but what do you think was the catalyst for this change? I think it was a combination of a lot of things - one being the realization of me bluntly stating this is unsustainable from a relationship standpoint (personal discussions and what we have covered i therapy), also me flat outright stating that I am considering going outside of our relationship because of the dead zone, and also confronting her about being disconnected, isolated and living in a bubble of avoidance. Something has to change or else we need to call it. I think it really set in that I am a member of a SM support group - does not sit well with her and I think it kind of forces her to come to grips with the situation that I have had to turn to like minded (for lack of a better term) people who are all facing this situation within their relationships. No escaping the reality of it. We had a long weekend, and she is wanting to snuggle tonight and see about another opportunity. Not sure if I would classify it as trauma bonding, |
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Post by lonelytiger on Nov 4, 2024 18:34:58 GMT -5
That’s great lonelyhubby. She offered oral which is something I wish my wife would offer. Hoping it continues to go well for you! |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Nov 6, 2024 8:09:45 GMT -5
I figured out part of what's going on with my Wife's sudden turn around on sexual activity and affection. Even though we have had multiple, intense discussions (arguments at times) about the lack of sex and affection and her complete check-out of anything beyond the day's stressors - come to find out her OBGYN took her off her Depo=Provera (Progesterone) shot and she is back to normal non-birth control ovulation cycle. So - on one hand she is 56 and still not in Menopause (but IS in Perimenopause) - hormones are out of balance and I am assuming that the influx of hormones before her cycle started this week is a completely normal return to sexual urge right before ovulation.
She has been on depo shot every 3 months for 15+ years and that also coincides with her drop in libido.
We are discussing the next couple of week's and the mood shifts, etc... Then it's back to focusing on connecting again (we openly discussed the need to attend to this and not push it off) - so we will see how it goes.
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Nov 7, 2024 14:30:59 GMT -5
Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?
So this past Monday we had our councilling session and I talked about her not initiating because she simply has no desire and because of that she doesn't think about or care about sex...she said that's not true and scheduled a cuddling session for Wednesday. Wednesday night rolls around and surprise surprise, she "forgot". Fuck this crap.
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Post by lonelytiger on Nov 7, 2024 15:20:05 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you are dealing with that again m76. If your wife is really asexual this doesn't surprise me as they just don't think about these things like we do. I keep thinking my wife is asexual too but she hates it when I mention that word. |
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