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Post by lonelytiger on Oct 22, 2024 22:14:29 GMT -5
I think I had my light bulb moment today. She asked me to snuggle after turning down sexual intimacy and said she feels close to me when we snuggle and it’s just what she needs. She totally ignored my need for closeness so that we could fulfill hers. When I told her that I was hoping for something sexual she had the nerve to say we don’t always get what we want when we share what it is we need. All of the arguing the last several months on this are for nothing and I feel so stupid. If we weren’t in a lot of debt or had kids at home still I’d be discussing leaving. Hopefully only a few more years.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 23, 2024 2:11:27 GMT -5
...If we weren’t in a lot of debt or had kids at home still I’d be discussing leaving. Hopefully only a few more years. The future belongs to those who prepare today. You know where this is going. Please, talk with an attorney about your predicament, and get some professional advice. It could involve planning a move to a state with family laws more in tune with your needs. It could involve moving the date closer because the longer you wait the more she gets. It could involve quitting your job, filing for bankruptcy, and forcing her back in the workforce so you are not the "primary earner" and she is not the "primary parent." Most attorneys will give you half an hour for free. Even if you are paying $500 for an hour of professional time, it could save you A LOT more when it's finally time to make your move. |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Oct 23, 2024 8:14:16 GMT -5
One other trick I have heard of - when preparing, seek the free consultation with every attorney you can - when you do finally file - they may be prohibited form taking her case to defend because of your previous consultation. Also - ask an attorney who THEY would want to represent them in a divorce - target that person if you can
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m76
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Post by m76 on Oct 23, 2024 8:28:15 GMT -5
One other trick I have heard of - when preparing, seek the free consultation with every attorney you can - when you do finally file - they may be prohibited form taking her case to defend because of your previous consultation. Also - ask an attorney who THEY would want to represent them in a divorce - target that person if you can I'm pretty sure when I pull that trigger it'll be amicable. Although in Canada, it doesn't really matter, everything is 50/50. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 23, 2024 20:05:24 GMT -5
One other trick I have heard of - when preparing, seek the free consultation with every attorney you can - when you do finally file - they may be prohibited form taking her case to defend because of your previous consultation. Also - ask an attorney who THEY would want to represent them in a divorce - target that person if you can I heard a podcast about this trick and the result can end up your spouse hires a rookie who can run up costs because of delays due to incompetence, or someone out to prove themselves and tries to go for the jugular. Or you get someone wanting to pad the bill so engages in constant correspondence, $50 per five minute phone call and hiring "expert witnesses". Until you divorce, there's no her money or your money. It's just THE money, and an unethical lawyer will be all too happy to help the spouse spend it. DadStarting over podcast episode 200 - January 10, 2024 - interview Divorce Financial Analysts I liked their pitch. The DFA trade group institutedfa.com/Looks like these kinds of people cost less, but still ain't cheap. |
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 25, 2024 16:01:46 GMT -5
I think I had my light bulb moment today. She asked me to snuggle after turning down sexual intimacy and said she feels close to me when we snuggle and it’s just what she needs. She totally ignored my need for closeness so that we could fulfill hers. When I told her that I was hoping for something sexual she had the nerve to say we don’t always get what we want when we share what it is we need. All of the arguing the last several months on this are for nothing and I feel so stupid. If we weren’t in a lot of debt or had kids at home still I’d be discussing leaving. Hopefully only a few more years. Okay, but did you go ahead and hold her? At some point, for your sanity, if you are staying (and you have stated your intention to do so), you need to start at least refusing her fake needs. At least show her that her actions are not acceptable. Don't snuggle, don't even sleep in the same room. Make it clear that you are not tolerating this abuse any longer. Besides, she doesn't give a shit about snuggling, anyway; she's just trying to throw out a weak-ass substitute for sex to placate you. |
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Post by lonelytiger on Oct 26, 2024 20:16:06 GMT -5
I’m refusing if she wants snuggles tonight. She initiated sex this morning which wasn’t too bad though it’s the usual foreplay on her and starfish position to finish. I cannot for the life of me get her to be willing to touch me sexually or pay any attention to my groin area. After that she hasn’t reached out to hold my hand since this morning, I had to initiate that, even though the last few days she’s reached out for my hand. I told her earlier I’d like to use my tongue on her instead of my finger on her clit and she said “eh, maybe” then when I hinted again a few hours later she said this mornnng was great because it had been a while and me mentioning what I want to do is kind of ruining it. She’s being her gatekeeper self yet again and I’m stupid for thinking things changed. We’ve fought and argued about sex related stuff for months now and even with her saying things will change and she will be more open nothing has actually changed.
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m76
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Post by m76 on Oct 26, 2024 20:30:38 GMT -5
I’m refusing if she wants snuggles tonight. She initiated sex this morning which wasn’t too bad though it’s the usual foreplay on her and starfish position to finish. I cannot for the life of me get her to be willing to touch me sexually or pay any attention to my groin area. After that she hasn’t reached out to hold my hand since this morning, I had to initiate that, even though the last few days she’s reached out for my hand. I told her earlier I’d like to use my tongue on her instead of my finger on her clit and she said “eh, maybe” then when I hinted again a few hours later she said this mornnng was great because it had been a while and me mentioning what I want to do is kind of ruining it. She’s being her gatekeeper self yet again and I’m stupid for thinking things changed. We’ve fought and argued about sex related stuff for months now and even with her saying things will change and she will be more open nothing has actually changed. I'm confused, she initiated but won't touch you sexually? |
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Post by lonelytiger on Oct 26, 2024 20:31:57 GMT -5
I’m refusing if she wants snuggles tonight. She initiated sex this morning which wasn’t too bad though it’s the usual foreplay on her and starfish position to finish. I cannot for the life of me get her to be willing to touch me sexually or pay any attention to my groin area. After that she hasn’t reached out to hold my hand since this morning, I had to initiate that, even though the last few days she’s reached out for my hand. I told her earlier I’d like to use my tongue on her instead of my finger on her clit and she said “eh, maybe” then when I hinted again a few hours later she said this mornnng was great because it had been a while and me mentioning what I want to do is kind of ruining it. She’s being her gatekeeper self yet again and I’m stupid for thinking things changed. We’ve fought and argued about sex related stuff for months now and even with her saying things will change and she will be more open nothing has actually changed. I'm confused, she initiated but won't touch you sexually? She only touches me sexually to get me in position when we start having intercourse. She won't touch me otherwise during foreplay. Foreplay is me touching her sexually to get her turned on. |
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m76
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Post by m76 on Oct 26, 2024 20:43:32 GMT -5
I'm confused, she initiated but won't touch you sexually? She only touches me sexually to get me in position when we start having intercourse. She won't touch me otherwise during foreplay. Foreplay is me touching her sexually to get her turned on. So odd. She'll let you touch and penetrate her but she won't touch you. In my case it's the opposite, we'll at least for the few attempts at intimacy we've had. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 28, 2024 9:16:44 GMT -5
One other trick I have heard of - when preparing, seek the free consultation with every attorney you can - when you do finally file - they may be prohibited form taking her case to defend because of your previous consultation. Also - ask an attorney who THEY would want to represent them in a divorce - target that person if you can I'm pretty sure when I pull that trigger it'll be amicable. Although in Canada, it doesn't really matter, everything is 50/50. What are you talking about? In Canada, everything is most definitely not 50/50. Have you actually consulted a lawyer? The marital home maybe, but not everything. And, once equalization payments for the "everything else" is factored in, most people on the "pay more" side, can only afford to transfer their wealth to the "get paid" side by taking out of their own share of the "50/50 marital home split". I had an "amicable" split, relatively speaking - but I assure you, it gets much less amicable once you see the amount you may need to pay to leave. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 28, 2024 9:24:37 GMT -5
I’m refusing if she wants snuggles tonight. She initiated sex this morning which wasn’t too bad though it’s the usual foreplay on her and starfish position to finish. I cannot for the life of me get her to be willing to touch me sexually or pay any attention to my groin area. After that she hasn’t reached out to hold my hand since this morning, I had to initiate that, even though the last few days she’s reached out for my hand. I told her earlier I’d like to use my tongue on her instead of my finger on her clit and she said “eh, maybe” then when I hinted again a few hours later she said this mornnng was great because it had been a while and me mentioning what I want to do is kind of ruining it. She’s being her gatekeeper self yet again and I’m stupid for thinking things changed. We’ve fought and argued about sex related stuff for months now and even with her saying things will change and she will be more open nothing has actually changed. Imagine someone you don't enjoy, who you are not attracted to, who you dislike or simply don't have that kind of relationship with. Maybe a male coworker or business partner? Now, imagine that person saying to you, what you have been proposing to your wife. Your male coworker has needs, legitimate desires, might be someone who you otherwise like working with. Maybe you want to keep the business running and it depends on your shared talents and skills - so you have some mutual investments in the enterprise overall. How does that translate to the appeal of performing sexual acts with him? What is the likelihood of him doing something or saying something that will change your mind? How would you regard him, in such a circumstance? |
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m76
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Post by m76 on Oct 28, 2024 9:31:44 GMT -5
I'm pretty sure when I pull that trigger it'll be amicable. Although in Canada, it doesn't really matter, everything is 50/50. What are you talking about? In Canada, everything is most definitely not 50/50. The marital home maybe, but not everything. And, once equalization payments for the "everything else" is factored in, most people on the "pay more" side, can only afford to transfer their wealth to the "get paid" side by taking out of their own share of the "50/50 marital home split". I had an "amicable" split, relatively speaking - but I assure you, it gets much less amicable once you see the amount you may need to pay to leave. I know it depends on income as well. My wife and I make roughly the same amount. And all our assets are shared. I've already had a consultation with a lawyer and there is a 50/50 split of the value of assets in Ontario. With our combined debt neither of us would be able to afford the house we're in on our own, it will need to be sold. The worst for me is that I know she'll get half of my RRSPs forcing me to work far longer then I would I'd we stayed together. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 28, 2024 11:01:42 GMT -5
What are you talking about? In Canada, everything is most definitely not 50/50. The marital home maybe, but not everything. And, once equalization payments for the "everything else" is factored in, most people on the "pay more" side, can only afford to transfer their wealth to the "get paid" side by taking out of their own share of the "50/50 marital home split". I had an "amicable" split, relatively speaking - but I assure you, it gets much less amicable once you see the amount you may need to pay to leave. I know it depends on income as well. My wife and I make roughly the same amount. And all our assets are shared. I've already had a consultation with a lawyer and there is a 50/50 split of the value of assets in Ontario. With our combined debt neither of us would be able to afford the house we're in on our own, it will need to be sold. The worst for me is that I know she'll get half of my RRSPs forcing me to work far longer then I would I'd we stayed together. I'm in the same jurisdiction. I understand your general scenario from what you've written above, but it's very easy for people here to misunderstand the real world application of settlements and get surprised. I'll give you an example that's pretty close to home. Imagine two working parents, where one makes more than the other. The one who makes more must pay the one who makes less a substantial amount of money - including from the RRSP and a cash settlement, ongoing. The other parent inherits a large amount of wealth during the course of the separation, drastically raising her lifestyle over what was enjoyed during marriage. The one who had the higher salary during marriage though, is still on the hook to play this millionaire, selling the car to her and a substantial portion of his share of the house. And apparently that was a good result for the guy compared to most. So, everything 50/50? Some things, yes, technically, but not really in the way it counts. |
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m76
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Post by m76 on Oct 28, 2024 11:04:53 GMT -5
I know it depends on income as well. My wife and I make roughly the same amount. And all our assets are shared. I've already had a consultation with a lawyer and there is a 50/50 split of the value of assets in Ontario. With our combined debt neither of us would be able to afford the house we're in on our own, it will need to be sold. The worst for me is that I know she'll get half of my RRSPs forcing me to work far longer then I would I'd we stayed together. I'm in the same jurisdiction. I understand your general scenario from what you've written above, but it's very easy for people here to misunderstand the real world application of settlements and get surprised. I'll give you an example that's pretty close to home. Imagine two working parents, where one makes more than the other. The one who makes more must pay the one who makes less a substantial amount of money - including from the RRSP and a cash settlement, ongoing. The other parent inherits a large amount of wealth during the course of the separation, drastically raising her lifestyle over what was enjoyed during marriage. The one who had the higher salary during marriage though, is still on the hook to play this millionaire, selling the car to her and a substantial portion of his share of the house. And apparently that was a good result for the guy compared to most. So, everything 50/50? Some things, yes, technically, but not really in the way it counts. You make it sound like my choices are to be poor and miserable or better off and miserable. |
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