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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 26, 2024 7:18:17 GMT -5
My W did this, but only one time, the next AM I properly hit the roof and did not/refused to let her come up with any bullshit excuses for her not going through with what she had agreed.... like some little kid who promises to eat their greens and then does not, and sulks about it and makes excuses... After a 3 day blow up... proper bad few days, she conceded she had done it on purpose and asked that if she did it again "on autopilot", I was to hold her to account immediately so we could discuss/get over it/get back on track etc etc. Big part of what I think has worked for me is just using that "adrenaline confrontation feeling" to out the issue immediately and tell her its not acceptable or what was agreed or what will fix things....rather than stewing over night/day/week and then "letting it go"... I'm not going to fight her and guilt her into doing something she clearly doesn't want to. I've told her how important it is and how much I care about physical intimacy. At this point she's shown that what I want/need is not important to her. Just re-read the Feb 19th post. Wait, what? She bailed on a negotiated kissing date? I'd imagine this is a new thing so she might still have the assumption that you'll try for more. Maybe you do/have. If not, yeah, totally makes sense why you're done. If that has been your history, you'll need to keep to agreements too (maybe preaching to the choir here, sorry) and she's going to have to trust you or she needs to tell the truth that she's hoping it all goes away and she's just telling you and the counselor whatever it is she thinks you want to hear in order to preserve your celibacy. week5of35yearsWhen was your verbal smackdown? Early in your current reset? Or before that? |
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m76
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Post by m76 on Feb 26, 2024 7:29:09 GMT -5
I'm not going to fight her and guilt her into doing something she clearly doesn't want to. I've told her how important it is and how much I care about physical intimacy. At this point she's shown that what I want/need is not important to her. Just re-read the Feb 19th post. Wait, what? She bailed on a negotiated kissing date? I'd imagine this is a new thing so she might still have the assumption that you'll try for more. Maybe you do/have. If not, yeah, totally makes sense why you're done. If that has been your history, you'll need to keep to agreements too (maybe preaching to the choir here, sorry) and she's going to have to trust you or she needs to tell the truth that she's hoping it all goes away and she's just telling you and the counselor whatever it is she thinks you want to hear in order to preserve your celibacy. week5of35yearsWhen was your verbal smackdown? Early in your current reset? Or before that? Yep, how sad is that? My wife would rather make up excuses then kiss me. And yes we had discussed boundaries and would not have gone beyond that. If she won't kiss me then any possibility of sex is just a dream. I'm just waiting now for a good time this week to tell her I want to separate. |
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Post by week5of35years on Feb 26, 2024 7:30:40 GMT -5
I'm not going to fight her and guilt her into doing something she clearly doesn't want to. I've told her how important it is and how much I care about physical intimacy. At this point she's shown that what I want/need is not important to her. Just re-read the Feb 19th post. Wait, what? She bailed on a negotiated kissing date? I'd imagine this is a new thing so she might still have the assumption that you'll try for more. Maybe you do/have. If not, yeah, totally makes sense why you're done. If that has been your history, you'll need to keep to agreements too (maybe preaching to the choir here, sorry) and she's going to have to trust you or she needs to tell the truth that she's hoping it all goes away and she's just telling you and the counselor whatever it is she thinks you want to hear in order to preserve your celibacy. week5of35years When was your verbal smackdown? Early in your current reset? Or before that? December 18th 2023 during so not too long ago at all and still current mantra... here; iliasm.org/thread/6449/time-tell?page=6Mid page - post XMAS update |
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Post by week5of35years on Feb 26, 2024 7:33:19 GMT -5
My W did this, but only one time, the next AM I properly hit the roof and did not/refused to let her come up with any bullshit excuses for her not going through with what she had agreed.... like some little kid who promises to eat their greens and then does not, and sulks about it and makes excuses... After a 3 day blow up... proper bad few days, she conceded she had done it on purpose and asked that if she did it again "on autopilot", I was to hold her to account immediately so we could discuss/get over it/get back on track etc etc. Big part of what I think has worked for me is just using that "adrenaline confrontation feeling" to out the issue immediately and tell her its not acceptable or what was agreed or what will fix things....rather than stewing over night/day/week and then "letting it go".... F that with a capital F. (PS- I also told my W she spent more time watching soap opera than even thinking about how to save our marriage and she needed to step the fuck up... m76 sounds like your W's thing is her damned phone...) I'm not going to fight her and guilt her into doing something she clearly doesn't want to. I've told her how important it is and how much I care about physical intimacy. At this point she's shown that what I want/need is not important to her. I would not encourage fighting with the W as you say, however holding her accountable for what she promises is would be her acting like a grown up TBH.. |
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m76
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Post by m76 on Feb 26, 2024 7:40:30 GMT -5
I'm not going to fight her and guilt her into doing something she clearly doesn't want to. I've told her how important it is and how much I care about physical intimacy. At this point she's shown that what I want/need is not important to her. I would not encourage fighting with the W as you say, however holding her accountable for what she promises is would be her acting like a grown up TBH.. I think it's too late for that. I'm done trying. |
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Post by aquacat on Feb 26, 2024 14:26:13 GMT -5
I sent my wife a video from Dr Psych Mom about how men need sex not just for a physical release but for connecting intimately and as soon as she saw the title she scoffed and said “This again?” I told her to watch it. She did but didn’t say a word after and the look on her face was of disgust. She’s pushing me more and more on leaving and I bet she doesn’t even know it.
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m76
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Post by m76 on Feb 26, 2024 14:46:40 GMT -5
I sent my wife a video from Dr Psych Mom about how men need sex not just for a physical release but for connecting intimately and as soon as she saw the title she scoffed and said “This again?” I told her to watch it. She did but didn’t say a word after and the look on her face was of disgust. She’s pushing me more and more on leaving and I bet she doesn’t even know it. I know exactly what video you're talking about. I'm not going to show my wife any videos. I've already talked about how important intimacy is and how I've been depressed for years due to constant rejection. She kinda apologized in our counciling session, but nothing changes. Part of me is dreading the separation conversation, the other part of me wants to get it done so I can move on. |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Feb 26, 2024 15:27:58 GMT -5
I sent my wife a video from Dr Psych Mom about how men need sex not just for a physical release but for connecting intimately and as soon as she saw the title she scoffed and said “This again?” I told her to watch it. She did but didn’t say a word after and the look on her face was of disgust. She’s pushing me more and more on leaving and I bet she doesn’t even know it. I know exactly what video you're talking about. I'm not going to show my wife any videos. I've already talked about how important intimacy is and how I've been depressed for years due to constant rejection. She kinda apologized in our counciling session, but nothing changes. Part of me is dreading the separation conversation, the other part of me wants to get it done so I can move on. Remind her that her response and attitude are 2 of the four horsemen - contempt and stonewalling. "This again" indicates a complete dismissal and invalidation of how you feel in the needs to relationship. I would bring it up in counseling next chance and call her out on it without being nasty - let her talk her way out of that corner. |
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Missingout
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Posts: 245
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Feb 26, 2024 15:59:29 GMT -5
I sent my wife a video from Dr Psych Mom about how men need sex not just for a physical release but for connecting intimately and as soon as she saw the title she scoffed and said “This again?” I told her to watch it. She did but didn’t say a word after and the look on her face was of disgust. She’s pushing me more and more on leaving and I bet she doesn’t even know it. She has to know.... |
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 26, 2024 18:18:15 GMT -5
aquacat,...I am in the boat with Missingout. My thought is that she may actually want you to call it quits. It gives her the get out of jail free card and it makes you the bad guy. I'm thinking she knows exactly where she is steering the marriage car.
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Post by toughtiger on Feb 26, 2024 20:06:58 GMT -5
I sent my wife a video from Dr Psych Mom about how men need sex not just for a physical release but for connecting intimately and as soon as she saw the title she scoffed and said “This again?” I told her to watch it. She did but didn’t say a word after and the look on her face was of disgust. She’s pushing me more and more on leaving and I bet she doesn’t even know it. i have seen it before people that simply do not think someone WILL leave. when it happens she will freak out what does she tell her friends or neighbors lol how about "i was a cold shrew and would not give him any sense of intimacy " |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 26, 2024 21:23:53 GMT -5
I know exactly what video you're talking about. I'm not going to show my wife any videos. I've already talked about how important intimacy is and how I've been depressed for years due to constant rejection. She kinda apologized in our counciling session, but nothing changes. Part of me is dreading the separation conversation, the other part of me wants to get it done so I can move on. Remind her that her response and attitude are 2 of the four horsemen - contempt and stonewalling. "This again" indicates a complete dismissal and invalidation of how you feel in the needs to relationship. I would bring it up in counseling next chance and call her out on it without being nasty - let her talk her way out of that corner. been there...(sadly...more than once) There will be no cornering....like you said "dismissal and invalidation" complete stonewalling and contempt will continue. The answer will be a shrug of the shoulders, maybe the words " whatever". There will be no words like"maybe I ,I, I, should" NO...instead it will all be turned back to He,He,He should.... (or She , she ,she when it's the man doing the stonewalling). Detach yourself more and more. Try not to feel guilty, and have self blame. If you do it's natural and common, and goes away with time. The refuser has already detached themselves from you long ago, and lies by hiding it, all for their own needs. They have zero empathy for yours. The sooner you can say "talk to my attorney" the better off everyone will be. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 27, 2024 6:30:42 GMT -5
I'd add not just detaching from a refuser, but connecting to others. Work, new social clubs, volunteering, groups, hobbies, and activities, or church if that's your flavor.; looking up old friends
Some time can be spent taking inventory of assets in case you pull the pin.
Some time should be spent with a lawyer to get some expectations of process if the refuser pulls their pin first. Detaching may be unwelcome and met with hostility.
I posit that connecting with all these other aspects of life will cause detachment without actually deliberately doing so.
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Post by aquacat on Feb 27, 2024 10:34:28 GMT -5
Another argument last night before bed and it was about sex and intimacy yet again. She wanted to snuggle and I told her I really didn't want to which is how the argument started. She's for sure doing DARVO tactics because she blames me on why she doesn't feel safe talking to me about anything sexual because she says I don't listen and I just throw it back at her. I made peace with her this morning but honestly I'm doing that just so the kids don't see that we are fighting again. I don't know if I can wait until my youngest is out of the house now, but we have debt and not enough equity in our house in order to make ends meet if we split.
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Post by lonelyhubby on Feb 27, 2024 11:30:53 GMT -5
Another argument last night before bed and it was about sex and intimacy yet again. She wanted to snuggle and I told her I really didn't want to which is how the argument started. She's for sure doing DARVO tactics because she blames me on why she doesn't feel safe talking to me about anything sexual because she says I don't listen and I just throw it back at her. I made peace with her this morning but honestly I'm doing that just so the kids don't see that we are fighting again. I don't know if I can wait until my youngest is out of the house now, but we have debt and not enough equity in our house in order to make ends meet if we split. I completely understand - a little over 5 years left on mortgage, and 2 kids still in home. Still no sex, but hugs hand holds, back rubs - working towards recovering from the no touch hell. but at some point, if not finding our way back, will have to make a choice. No reason to bankrupt yourself if you can avoid it, that's my take anyway... |
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