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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 1, 2023 19:43:47 GMT -5
Focus on women whom you encounter face to face in your real life, such as at the dance studio, who are appealing. I would bet money that there are suitable women at the dance studio whom you wouldn't have to jump through hoops to get them to go out with you or to connect with you in a real way. I've taken dance classes and I know how unusual it is to find a nice, available, straight man like you. My experience was that most men were either married or otherwise partnered, incredibly socially awkward (such as couldn't carry on a conversation) or were potentially dangerous such as the man whose idea of conversation during a quick dance was to tell me that he'd just gotten out of military prison after killing a man who insulted his friend! What did you end up doing New Year's Eve? Thank you for your kind, uplifting words of encouragement!!  The dance was boring. I don't think my dance instructor ( the owner) is used to catering a dinner. There where not enough tables, and she wanted the dinner over with quickly. I scoped the room upon entrance and saw mostly older married couples. There where 5 single women there? 3 much older than me, two who have been dancing for years, not in the market for dating and in high demand for the more experienced dancers ( i do certain dances with them though) No new faces there that night. After 2 hrs. I decided to call it a night and went home early. It's just one dance. There will be hundreds more! ( not the safest night to be out driving) Side note: Holidays can be a stressful time. People socialize and talk about what a nice Christmas they had, with the family. I put on my fake face and try to stay happy. For me: My father passed away on Christmas eve 10 yrs ago.. ( he never got to meet my adopted children) I met my now ex wife on New Years Eve. .. Rafaela up and bolted every year for 3 years right after Christmas and New Years. This makes a full yr.since the last time Rafaela left and I decided it's over! This makes 5 yrs. that I have not seen 5 of my 6 children at Christmas. This was my first Christmas alone, ( my son spent most of the day in bed- he works late hrs.) Commercialism takes away to much from the meaning of Christmas. I have n't been to a New Years Eve party in 33 yrs! I went from having 2 possible dates , to going alone! I keep all of that to myself... who wants to hear all that at a supposedly Joyous time of the year? (My oldest son did show up two days after Christmas! That was great!! I want more of that in the future!) Yes... I went home early. Tomorrow is another day, more back to normal! |
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 2, 2023 12:30:10 GMT -5
Thanks for the update. Glad that you at least went out for New Year.
I suggest checking out other dance classes as well as places where local bands play music of your era and people dance. I've noticed that there usually are plenty of single women around who are dancing with each other because there aren't enough men. A lot of women love dancing. Unfortunately, most men do not so a dancing man -- even if he doesn't dance wonderfully -- is at an advantage.
I do think you'll likely come out better by focusing on things like this instead of the illusive Debbi.
Have you ever tried contra dancing? If it's in your area, check it out. I know two couples who were in their 40s or 50s when they met at contra dancing. They are now married.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 2, 2023 16:46:28 GMT -5
Thanks for the update. Glad that you at least went out for New Year. I suggest checking out other dance classes as well as places where local bands play music of your era and people dance. I've noticed that there usually are plenty of single women around who are dancing with each other because there aren't enough men. A lot of women love dancing. Unfortunately, most men do not so a dancing man -- even if he doesn't dance wonderfully -- is at an advantage. I do think you'll likely come out better by focusing on things like this instead of the illusive Debbi. Have you ever tried contra dancing? If it's in your area, check it out. I know two couples who were in their 40s or 50s when they met at contra dancing. They are now married. 1) The dance community quickly informed me and invited me to many other places to go dancing (besides the dance studio near the house where i get my private lessons) most nights I have 3 choices 6 to 7 nights a week! Sunday (after new years Party) my instructor asked me "why /when did you leave? People where asking about you,and noticed that you had left! It's a good feeling to be wanted and missed. Better than church's I used to attend and serve at! 2) Debbie was just a pothole on the Interstate of Life. However... I thought it would be useful to bring up examples like Debbie in the dating world and how to handle it. ( I'm always learning!) There will be more Distant Debbie's along my journey. like some of the women I dance with who will remain platonic, one or two dances with them only, for various reasons. latin dances ( Salsa bachata, Tango) are all very close contact dances. Something I'd rather dance with a steady partner. I do dance them with all the women ,but if I want to learn more lifts, dips,close spins, twinkles, etc.. I want a steady partner and have private lessons together. Side note: New years night one of my friends from the dance community had a severe stroke at the dance studio. He's only 66 yrs. old in great shape, single, an avid dancer and wonderful guy to be around.
It was SO unexpected!! It happened at 11:40pm. He's not going to make it....  ( another , not so great , holiday memory)
I shared your quote and people appreciate it:
" You can't give your life more time, so give the time you have more life!"
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 2, 2023 17:01:58 GMT -5
GC: "Sunday (after new years Party) my instructor asked me "why /when did you leave? People where asking about you,and noticed that you had left! It's a good feeling to be wanted and missed." Really, really nice! Sounds like a very welcoming place that cherishes you! Yay! "Side note: New years night one of my friends from the dance community had a severe stroke at the dance studio. He's only 66 yrs. old in great shape, single, an avid dancer and wonderful guy to be around. it was SO unexpected!! It happened at 11:40pm. He's not going to make it.... ( another , not so great , holiday memory)" Very sad. Also a reminder to all of us to take advantage of the life we have. Sad as it is that he died, it does sound like he died while living a life he enjoyed instead of waiting for the future to do things he loved." " latin dances ( Salsa bachata, Tango) are all very close contact dances. Something I'd rather dance with a steady partner. I do dance them with all the women ,but if I want to learn more lifts, dips,close spins, twinkles, etc.. I want a steady partner and have private lessons together." I bet if you put the word out, you could find a partner as many women want those kind of partners. Keep in mind that the dance partner doesn't have to be someone you'd want as a romantic partner. Having such a partner could put you in a good position in terms of dance skills to get a romantic partner. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 7, 2023 12:51:29 GMT -5
"Side note: New years night one of my friends from the dance community had a severe stroke at the dance studio. He's only 66 yrs. old in great shape, single, an avid dancer and wonderful guy to be around.
it was SO unexpected!! It happened at 11:40pm. He's not going to make it.... ( another , not so great , holiday memory)"
Very sad. Also a reminder to all of us to take advantage of the life we have. Sad as it is that he died, it does sound like he died while living a life he enjoyed instead of waiting for the future to do things he loved."
Great news!!!It's a miracle! Our friend is off his breathing tube, moving his hands and legs, trying to stand up,responding to everything and speaking a little! All within an hour! Thank you God!! We will find out in the next few days how well his brain is. All seems good for now! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 15, 2023 21:08:16 GMT -5
I received this message from distant Debbie on January 7th:
Hi there (great coastal)
Hopefully you enjoyed your Christmas š
Was so very busy with work... now finally slowing down a bit... a welcome reprieve
Wondering when you might have some time this week to meet up; something simple to start... maybe coffee āļø... daytime?
Look forward to your reply
Thank you
It took a while to come up with a response (which I believe is the right thing to do)
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 15, 2023 21:11:17 GMT -5
My response:Dear Debbie,
It took me so long to figure out how to say this. I apologize for the long time to respond š„ŗ
You gave me red flags telling me that we are on different levels of, dating. That your schedule and mine are a barrier. And I was left totally clueless not knowing anything about you, after reaching out and offering myself to you.
You gave short vague responses. You don't ask,or answer questions.
You wait days (more than a week)to respond. Not even a picture.
I'll give you the benefit of the doubt,and guess that you have no experience dating? (Said with care and respect)
When I reach out to you and you don't reach back- I feel rejected.
When I asked to speak with you and you don't respond- I feel unheard.
When I wanted to connect with you but you are too busy-I feel lonely and unwanted.
When my needs get ignored- I feel invisible.
I no longer wish to go through these things.
I wish you much success in all your future endeavors.
Great Coastal
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 15, 2023 21:14:14 GMT -5
I immediately heard back from Debbie:
I sincerely apologize
No offense intended in the least
As far as dating, I have been "out of the loop" for (as difficult to admit) almost 9 years now
Anyway, I definitely ought to have responded sooner
((Hugs))
Now is when I have to play 'therapist' and make a decision.
Out of the loop for 9 yrs? Everyone needs time for heeling, but 9 yrs? (more guessing) sounds like someone who does not need sex/intimacy and wants a partner for occasional friendship,or to sponge of off?
I would be starting over again,asking about her schedule? A picture, more about her,etc..... why do that again?
My first reaction- (here we go again!) I could be a friend to this person? Their's nothing wrong with having another friend? Then I realize- I'm just wanting to receive satisfaction by helping someone again, and expecting a relationship from it.
I'm not going to send any more texts to Distant Debbie.
What do you think of my " NO" response to Distant Debbie?
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 15, 2023 21:45:40 GMT -5
GC,I don't think you should have bothered to send any response. You didn't owe her that. It just allowed her to stay on the hook, which is why she then responded to your response. She responded hoping to get you back on the hook.
She isn't even a person I'd want as a friend. I've had friends like that who are vague, disappear then come back unexpectedly. I no longer choose to have such people as friends.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 16, 2023 8:35:15 GMT -5
GC,I don't think you should have bothered to send any response. You didn't owe her that. It just allowed her to stay on the hook, which is why she then responded to your response. She responded hoping to get you back on the hook. She isn't even a person I'd want as a friend. I've had friends like that who are vague, disappear then come back unexpectedly. I no longer choose to have such people as friends. I agree she threw a subtle lifeline. I found the response text judgmental and I could see that coming back as hostile or hurt. Then again, my conflict-averse style would say that, wouldn't it? That response back was diplomatic and about as good as I could expect. I would think if she showed up at dances, some comraderie might not be so bad. Minimal contact, no obligations, a dance partner no more than any of the other ladies, but needing to keep her at a distance could be a difficult temptation, or an annoying obligation. Offering now serves as either allowing the hook, or a "tease" that leads to disappointment, maybe even guarded hostility. Thing is, these dances would offer a social opportunity for this woman 9 years out of practice. Good observation about nine years being a damn long time to be comfortable being single. Would she even appreciate companionship in the long term? Don't know, but I don't want to overlook the possibility that after a nine year drought re-ignition isn't impossible. Apocrypha has repeatedly spoken of women he dated who felt asexual, almost seemed as though they didn't know why they were dating, suddenly getting very happy with being coupled up again. Maybe she's not a good pick. I cannot say she won't be later. If she does, don't go kicking yourself that you missed out. Your tough love may be what turns her into a "catch" by discouraging her disinterest and halfway efforts. That prize was not meant to be yours. It wasn't your part in her story. |
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Post by nyartgal on Jan 16, 2023 9:14:58 GMT -5
Your quote below is what this is actually about to me, not Debbie. I think life is giving you an opportunity to work on this tendency/habit of yours to find āreclamation projectsā through this situation. And I think that by going through this, hopefully next time you will get to the āI deserve better, this is wasting my timeā conclusion faster.
āMy first reaction- (here we go again!) I could be a friend to this person? Their's nothing wrong with having another friend? Then I realize- I'm just wanting to receive satisfaction by helping someone again, and expecting a relationship from it.ā
I think that your response was really important FOR YOU. I would print that out and stick it in your wallet or keep it on your phone someplace you can easily reread, so that if other Debbies come along, you can remind yourself of why they are not worth your time or energy!
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 16, 2023 11:17:30 GMT -5
mirrorchid: "Good observation about nine years being a damn long time to be comfortable being single. Would she even appreciate companionship in the long term?
Don't know, but I don't want to overlook the possibility that after a nine year drought re-ignition isn't impossible. Apocrypha has repeatedly spoken of women he dated who felt asexual, almost seemed as though they didn't know why they were dating, suddenly getting very happy with being coupled up again.
Maybe she's not a good pick. I cannot say she won't be later. If she does, don't go kicking yourself that you missed out.
Your tough love may be what turns her into a "catch" by discouraging her disinterest and halfway efforts. That prize was not meant to be yours. It wasn't your part in her story."
There are many fish in the sea. I wouldn't pin any hopes on her ever losing the red flags. When someone shows you who they are, believe them, and move on.
I continue to be sure that GC is overlooking real possibilities at the dance studio while spending a lot of time thinking about a woman who would be a project, not a partner. I've taken dance classes and nice men who like to dance are at a premium, while there's an overabundance of nice women who like to dance.
I suggest that GC spend more time analyzing and pondering the women he meets while dancing. Some surely are possibilities.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 16, 2023 14:26:59 GMT -5
GC: Step by step, you are making progress and are showing the way to others. Kudos!
"AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE CHAPTERS
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost ā¦ I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ā¦ itās a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street."
By Portia Nelson
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 17, 2023 0:34:39 GMT -5
GC,I don't think you should have bothered to send any response. You didn't owe her that. It just allowed her to stay on the hook, which is why she then responded to your response. She responded hoping to get you back on the hook. She isn't even a person I'd want as a friend. I've had friends like that who are vague, disappear then come back unexpectedly. I no longer choose to have such people as friends. I agree she threw a subtle lifeline. I found the response text judgmental and I could see that coming back as hostile or hurt. Then again, my conflict-averse style would say that, wouldn't it? That response back was diplomatic and about as good as I could expect. I would think if she showed up at dances, some comraderie might not be so bad. Minimal contact, no obligations, a dance partner no more than any of the other ladies, but needing to keep her at a distance could be a difficult temptation, or an annoying obligation. Offering now serves as either allowing the hook, or a "tease" that leads to disappointment, maybe even guarded hostility. Thing is, these dances would offer a social opportunity for this woman 9 years out of practice. Good observation about nine years being a damn long time to be comfortable being single. Would she even appreciate companionship in the long term? Don't know, but I don't want to overlook the possibility that after a nine year drought re-ignition isn't impossible. Apocrypha has repeatedly spoken of women he dated who felt asexual, almost seemed as though they didn't know why they were dating, suddenly getting very happy with being coupled up again. Maybe she's not a good pick. I cannot say she won't be later. If she does, don't go kicking yourself that you missed out. Your tough love may be what turns her into a "catch" by discouraging her disinterest and halfway efforts. That prize was not meant to be yours. It wasn't your part in her story. To be clear, I don't think I have ever spoken of women I dated who I imagined felt asexual - perhaps you were confusing me with someone else. I generally don't pay much stock in accusations of asexuality - how would I know? Unless you mean women who claimed to have felt asexual in their marriages, prior to dating - that I've seen plenty of times - I'd even say it's the norm. When I've dated them and we've connected, I have yet to find any of them who cling to that fiction. I imagine such is the same for my Ex. Mrs, who also made the same claim, despite participating in Penthouse forum scenarios and seeking multiple affairs. I've also met a few women who I declined dating because they were clear that they weren't all that into sex, and but kept in touch with them - and a few years later, let me know that they were WAY into sex again, much to their own surprise. So, there's claim of asexuality, and then there's "urgency" in dating. I live in a metropolitan city and I've been a prolific dater (easily dozens of first dates, and several short and long term relationships, though the last two relationships I've been in have been 2 years and 2 years to date - even dated a dating coach! I would say that I've met many women who like to establish up front (before the first drink arrives) that they are in no hurry to date. They are taking it slow. Picking and choosing. I, myself, am not a bad catch, and I'm often surprised by the lack of urgency as well as entitlement on the part of some of the women who have offered this up. Many of these have been first meets and I suspect their egos were inflated by the natural excess of cheap and effortless attention afforded to all women in online dating. Once I was smart enough to ask about the lack of urgency and how they manage it, I found with alarming frequency that there was a male FWB in the background somewhere who they did not consider a boyfriend. So, it's "take it slow" for whomever they want for husband material, but not so much for the fwb. This strikes me on par with cheating - with the fwb being simply a bad or insufficient relationship. I would definitely think that any woman or man who hadn't dated in a decade has likely arranged his life to avoid it. It's not a priority. Look for "too many pets" in this category. For me, that would be an enormous red flag, and I'd require a much bigger sign they wanted me than "maybe a coffee sometime". Sounds like she's not much into this. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 20, 2023 8:53:29 GMT -5
I read this today and thought it summed up my experience with Distant Debbie! Even though we didn't meet on a dating sight, she might as well have been one of those who just posts a name and a location! This happens with women that I meet on the dance floor,great to dance with but can they carry a conversation? I find out more about people,from the other women and my instructor, who to avoid, and their stories!
psiloveyou.xyz/youve-blown-online-dating-before-even-starting-a3353fa2cc87
Youāve Blown Online Dating Before Even Starting
Seriously. Itās not rocket science. 4th graders could do this.There are good eggs out there. I am sure of this. Of course, it doesnāt always feel that way. Some days, it feels like Iāve stumbled upon a whole basket of eggs left over from Easter that have been sitting in the backyard for six months. Iāve gotten exceptionally good at dating in the last year and a half. Being good at it, however, has not guaranteed success. If you looked at actual metrics of my love life in this same span of time you might consider it a horrible failure. Iām okay with that. Iām trying. Trying is critical. The expertise has come by learning how to weed out the ones that just wonāt work or donāt seem worth the time. Iām optimistic that these people are still good people. They have plenty to offer. They are the lid to someoneās pot. Finding that fit is going to be difficult because they have completely sabotaged any efforts in dating right from the start. The issue lies in that the level of effort it takes to create a profile and have a conversation with someone can easily be achieved by a 4th grader. No, seriously. Yet, I see so many people who make mistake after mistake that immediately annoy a good catch.
You have nothing in your profile.So, let me get this straight. You are going to spend the next 15 minutes (letās be realā¦30 minutes) swiping through profiles and you canāt take five of those minutes to write something to tell people about you? Ya got nothinā? We all need something to go on. A little bit to know if we have some similar interests or if weāll be compatible. Without this, we find ourselves well into the third conversation with you before we find out that you are adamant that no one has ever landed on the moon and you think Earth if flat. Yes. That really happened to me this week. When thereās nothing in your profile other than a picture, people are going to assume that you think youāre so special that you donāt need to say anything. You can just sit there and look pretty. Is that really all you bring to the table? You wouldnāt turn in a resume with nothing in it but your name and where you went to school, would you? Why would you do this online? Ask a 4th grader to write something about themselves in 500 characters or less and you get good stuff. āI draw, ride bikes with my friends and Batman is my favorite movie. Taco Tuesday is my favorite day.ā Dude. Thatās better than nothing. You can connect with anyone when tacos are involved.
You tell people youāre just āseeing whatās out there.āOkay. Fine. Youāre not looking for a major relationship. Youāre dipping your toes in the Tinder tot lot. Thatās totally cool. But say THAT. Weāve all said these words. Most likely in a clothing store or a Crate and Barrel when we really just want people to leave us the hell alone while we look around. āIs there something I can help you find?ā āNope, just looking!ā That sales lady is not coming back because you donāt know why youāre in the store. Maybe you need plates. Maybe new highball glasses. Who the hell knows? Carol, the sales lady, wrote you off the second you said that. Youāre not worth her time. Sheās going to go hover around the guy who tells her he needs four glasses and only sees three. Understanding why you are in a space is key to actually being in that space. She wants to land that sale.
You answer questions with one word.You make a connection. Fantastic. This is where things get fun and interesting. Donāt ruin it. I connected with a guy who was attractive and seemed like an interesting guy. Heās a former baseball player whoās now working for a major league team. I am sure he has interesting stories to tell. As we talked, I asked all the questions and he answered with one word or short, incomplete sentences. I bailed. If I canāt get you to engage in conversation in text messages, you are most likely going to bore the crap out of me in real life. Look, Bobby, Iām your date, not your dentist. Iām not here to pull teeth. I donāt care how cute you are. Ask a 4th grader a question and be ready to sit there for a few minutes while they respond. Youāll need a drink because youāre getting the whole back story of their pet iguana. Be a better conversationalist than a 4th grader. We get back what we give. Those of us seasoned in dating have learned to match whatever effort weāre given. I have effort in spades but Iām not doling out 50 bucks worth in exchange for some spare change. I want to meet someone with their own 50 bucks to throw down. Dig in your pockets a little deeper. You have more than loose change to give. |
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( another , not so great , holiday memory)
