Life after death:part 5.

In my limited dating experience, you would be the exception to the rule. My experience has been that women want to be exclusive almost immediately. Monogamy seems to be high on the list of boxes that need to be checked. If a man volunteers he intends to date others (unless the woman has made it clear she only wants to date) he is likely to be crossed off her list of potential paramours. Read a few dating profiles from women. Often you will read that being a "one woman man" is a requirement. Since neither of you have met I think it safe to assume they are saying monogamy from the 1st date forward.

8 months ago I met Leslie, on bumble.  5 lengthy phone conversations, daily texts, a first date of dinner, 2nd date of watching the cruise ships and walking the pier/beach, 3rd date me cooking dinner at my place with a walk around the neighborhood and time by the outdoor fire.

The reality of her un-attractiveness grew stronger. I liked her very much as a person (similiar to the attraction to my ex W). ( pictures are one thing- reality is another)

I ended things the next day. Hopefully in a classy manor. I actually had to look up how to do it!! All new ground for me!

Side note: several times during the week I see a business from an overpass with the name "Leslie's Trucking" on it!

Lesllie told me: I get hit on by hundreds of men on bumble. I've only dated two of them. Each time I take my page down,when I'm dating someone and expect them to do the same. You are my last attempt at meeting someone on line."

I never saw her again. Getting your 'page' down from a dating site is not easy!! They love to continue to bill you. ( be aware of that when you notice the same 95% on these sights for months at a time)

GC: "8 months ago I met Leslie, on bumble. 5 lengthy phone conversations, daily texts, a first date of dinner, 2nd date of watching the cruise ships and walking the pier/beach, 3rd date me cooking dinner at my place with a walk around the neighborhood and time by the outdoor fire.
The reality of her un-attractiveness grew stronger. I liked her very much as a person (similiar to the attraction to my ex W). ( pictures are one thing- reality is another)

I ended things the next day. Hopefully in a classy manor....

Lesllie told me: I get hit on by hundreds of men on bumble. I've only dated two of them. Each time I take my page down,when I'm dating someone and expect them to do the same. You are my last attempt at meeting someone on line."

I think it's a good idea to see the person -- through Zoom or Facetime -- early instead of doing lots of texting. It's easier to hide one's real self when you text than when you FaceTime or Zoom. If you don't like their looks, no reason to waste more time or spend money on them. Also, lots of people put old pictures or photoshopped pictures in their profile.

I would not take my profile down until we both agreed that we were in a relationship. A few dates does not make a relationship in my view. If Leslie took her profile down after just a few dates then she did it prematurely since you hadn't made up your mind that she was the one for you.

If she's middle-aged or older and Bumble isn't a hook-up site (where women are in short supply), I doubt that hundreds of men hit on her. I can believe that she went out with only 2 as many men approach women on-line by saying only, "Hi," or sending a dick pix.

I'm curious about why it took you several dates to stop seeing her since her unattractiveness must have been apparent from the day you set eyes on her in person. 

GC said: "
The gentlemanly thing to do! Leslie... whore a low cut, open, un-buttoned blouse exposing her large, curvy chest!

Leslie was very hands on touchy to my arm, shoulder and hand.
Can't remember my exact words... but I recall telling her that I feel uncomfortable and that I need her "permission to be returning all this touch!" That slowed her down!"

She sounds desperate. She didn't even really know you.This was her time to get to know you, not to throw herself at you. I imagine all felt at first good to you since your wounds from Rafela were still hurting. But her actions were over the top.

GC: " Financially dependent on a man, and would want me for the financial security that I provide. (Rafaela and leslie)

2) Financially independent and feel very uncomfortable in admitting that they need a man. ( many of the women that i meet in the dance community)

Many people in their 50s don't look old and wrinkly.In fact, some far older don't look that way. From what i've seen, women who either drink/smoke too much or have baked in the sun are the ones who look old and wrinkly in their 50s.

GC about the 2 types of women he expected to encounter while dating: "Financially dependent on a man, and would want me for the financial security that I provide. (Rafaela and leslie)

2) Financially independent and feal very uncomfortable in admitting that they need a man. ( many of the women that i meet in the dance community)"

I've met the "I don't need a man type of woman. I've also seen the, "I don't NEED a man in order to live a happy life, but I would like a man to enhance my happy life." I'm that kind of woman. I can support myself, do activities, make friends, and be happy but I'm even happier with a man in my life, a man who has a happy life already, but is even happier when with me.

GC: "She talked about finishing the fence to hold her dog in, no longer paying rent, no longer living with her annoying relative,etc..."

Yes, she was throwing herself at you because you looked like a good financial deal. Also, a way grown woman (I'm assuming she's of mature age) should be able to afford some kind of shelter on her own and not have to find a man for her to move out of her relative's place.No matter how many texts you'd done with her, she still barely knew you and it was presumptuous or desperate for her to be talking about moving in.

GC: "Leslie's job is a nurse.I forget what level... she changes clothes for the disabled, bathes them, tends to their needs at the hospital. She's very used to touching people...her excuse for being so openly touching to me. It sure felt like more than that!! Another life experience in the dating world!"

Your gut was telling you the right thing about how to read her behavior. Plenty of professions involve touch but the people in those professions have the goodo sense to not touch dates in ways that make the people uncomfortable. You are wise to have moved on quickly. Also, keep in mind that many people will say or text what they think you want to hear, but their reality may be very different and may be something that you find out by noticing their actions, life situation, etc. and whether it does seem in line with the values they expoused.

Dec 26, 2022 12:58:07 GMT -5 northstarmom said:

...you have a mutual acquaintance who said she'd like to meet you. I'm wondering why Debbi wanted to meet you and what she had been told about you. ...She doesn't seem to be a good communicator nor does she seem curious at all about you. I even find it odd that she would agree to go to even a dance party with a man she doesn't know. I sure wouldn't.

This all makes more sense if this is match-making by the friend.

Debbi is engaging GreatCoastal under enthusiastic, well-intentioned duress, and she's phoning it in.

Perhaps already picked out something to find fault with, because she wanted to have a reason to tell the friend she's not interested. If she were up for getting romatically involved she wouldn't mind whatever the obstacle is purported to be. It's a pretext to be left alone.

Going to a dance lesson, spending no more time with him than any other strikes me as very non-committal which would appeal to someone who is dubious about blind dates.

She'd get something out of the evening even if the guy is an utter dud.



More behavior that fits someone humoring a friend after relentless efforts to set her up.

As for New Year's Eve?  You are/were in the performing arts. Late nights are a normal lifestyle for them/you. An awful lot of folks in their fifties and up find teh idea of staying up to 12:01 a daunting challenge we'd want a remarkable incentive to attempt.
I typically 7 hours between 9 and 5. A blind date may be that incentive, but she's ambivalent; a good night's sleep is a prize too. 
If she were ambitiously seeking out romantic companionship, perhaps she would have had New Years plans. Such parties aren't bad places to connect with a new friend. That may fit this speculative scenario too.

Maybe Debbi's been on blind dates the friend has put together before with unimpressive results.

mirrorchild: "As for New Year's Eve? You are/were in the performing arts. Late nights are a normal lifestyle for them/you. An awful lot of folks in their fifties and up find teh idea of staying up to 12:01 a daunting challenge we'd want a remarkable incentive to attempt.
I typically 7 hours between 9 and 5. A blind date may be that incentive, but she's ambivalent; a good night's sleep is a prize too.
If she were ambitiously seeking out romantic companionship, perhaps she would have had New Years plans. Such parties aren't bad places to connect with a new friend. That may fit this speculative scenario too."

LOL! I started performing as a hobby when I was about 57. I'm  71. Post SM partner and I partied last week with mostly retired and senior theater folks in our area. Party started at 5. Everyone left by 9:30 pm. Great party with perfect timing for us seniors.

mirrorchild said: "I'm not sure how nursing works, but what I hear is that the kind that does a lot of manual labor like she does may be paid and treated poorly. (the worthwhile nature of work often does not correlate to payscale, we surely know) She may handle finances perfectly well and still struggle to get a place all her own. Given her unusual body type and limp, medical bills may cripple her capability to invest. So many Americans are one medical mishap from poverty."

All is true. Still, if she has medical debt, to me, it would be appropriate to have empathy or compassion for her but not to be spending time seeing if she's The One. Being with someone like that would restrict what you could do together unless you're willing to always pay for both. I still believe that mature-aged adults need to have their own place even if it's a studio apartment. True that practical nurses don't make much, but I have women friends who own houses despite working low-wage jobs. How? They aspired to have their own place and then figured out how to do that, which for some involved buying a cheap, crappy house and spending the time and effort to fix it up. Yes, women do that. I know 2 women who did that and figured out how to do most of the labor themselves. They are in better financial shape than I am even though I had better jobs. One started doing it after a divorce in which her lawyer husband managed to take all of their money. Another started doing it right after high school.

When it came to looking for a post SM lover, finding a man with lots of money wasn't a consideration for me but at my age I definitely wanted a man who could support himself including living independently. I would never waste my time with a sad sack who wanted to move in with me so he could move out of shared accommodations with a relative.

GC: I asked post SM lover (70, never married, has no kids, but lived 3, 7, and 9.5 (me) years with women, and has a lot of sexual experience) about his perspective on your experiences.

1. He wondered why you asked out a woman whom you'd never laid eyes on. He also said that he met one of his longtime lovers (the 7-year one) at a NY Eve party that he went to alone.

2. He didn't know why you asked the woman you found unattractive out for a second date. As he said, looks count. He has some women FRIENDS who are unattractive, even disabled, but they are friends, not people he has ever dated.

3. He didn't interpret women on-line who say they want a one woman man as meaning that one should take down one's profile after one's first date or one should stop dating others after asking out one woman. He also hadn't dated women who expected that if him, nor would he have done it. "You don't even know each other," he said.

Meanwhile, let me remind you men that if you are a man of mature age who is gentlemanly, living alone, and likes sex and can get hard (it's normal to need Cialis or Viagra or something similar as you age. Mature women understand that, heck welcome it because it means you still desire sex and can perform it), you are in short supply because the ratio of women to men gets more and more in men's favor as people get older. Where I live has lots of retirees and I see older men get snapped up quickly. I've also seen several attractive women hit on my post SM lover. They do it in front of me! (Post SM lover ignores the come-ons. We laugh about it afterward).

Figure out what you want and go for it. Of course, if what you want is a 25-year-old model, well that probably ain't happening unless you've got lots of money or power. But if you want someone attractive, personable, around your age who likes sex, you probably can find such a woman.

Older women-- don't let what I've said discourage you. Your competition is senior women who haven't kept themselves up, have no life of their own, and DON"T LIKE SEX and don't want a man (as some older women I know proudly -!- say). Go out and have fun-- not to man hunt but to have fun-- and odds are that you'll find someone. But as is the case with men who are looking, make sure that the man is worthy of you. Don't settle for just anyone who is interested in you.

One last note to GC: Put into relationships and prospective relationships not much more or less than you're getting out of them. Don't bend over backward to communicate with someone who's giving you nothing in return. Figure out what you want in a woman (and that needs to be more than she'd be willing to date you) and then check to see if the woman meets your standards. Before investing in taking her out to something fancy, see her for coffee or on Zoom or Facetime and see if you find her physically appealing and if her conversation is interesting. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Don't settle.