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Post by unmatched on Jun 7, 2016 7:44:10 GMT -5
So for those of us in Baz's 'thinking about leaving' camp, what is it going to take to push you over the edge? What are your dealbreakers, and what will it take for you to know that you have hit them?
For me, we already had the divorce discussion and basically agreed to split, and then pulled back from it and agreed to give counselling a shot to see if we can make it work. I know that I have things I am not clear on (how long do I give it, how much is enough, etc.). And I have things that I am clear on, like I need regular sex to be happy and it needs to include kissing and foreplay and making out, all of which seem to be very difficult for my wife. If we can't make those things happen, or we get to the point where it is clear we are not getting there, then I am out. (And for the record, as of now I am not wildly optimistic...)
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Post by wewbwb on Jun 7, 2016 8:09:15 GMT -5
For me, the issue is my W health and our finances.
Outside of that....
(Is there a dust emoji?)
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 7, 2016 8:18:19 GMT -5
It's getting legal questions answered, finance questions. A big anchor of not knowing how to handle the division of all the children's schedules, furniture, records, legal documents, schooling, what kind of budget I would be living on.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2016 8:22:37 GMT -5
So for those of us in Baz's 'thinking about leaving' camp, what is it going to take to push you over the edge? What are your dealbreakers, and what will it take for you to know that you have hit them? For me, we already had the divorce discussion and basically agreed to split, and then pulled back from it and agreed to give counselling a shot to see if we can make it work. I know that I have things I am not clear on (how long do I give it, how much is enough, etc.). And I have things that I am clear on, like I need regular sex to be happy and it needs to include kissing and foreplay and making out, all of which seem to be very difficult for my wife. If we can't make those things happen, or we get to the point where it is clear we are not getting there, then I am out. (And for the record, as of now I am not wildly optimistic...) And to ask you your own question, at what point are you going to say that's it? |
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Post by obobfla on Jun 7, 2016 8:33:25 GMT -5
1. Money. My wife doesn't work, so I would need to support her. Right now, I can't afford rent for two apartments.
2. My wife's relationship with my son. Right now, she is a good mother, but she babies him. The boy is 13 years old.
3. My wife stopping treatment for her mental illness or not listening to her doctor's advice.
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Post by baza on Jun 7, 2016 9:02:15 GMT -5
What an excellent question !!
I haven't got an answer, but I do have personal experience, and that was - that I had no dealbreakers !!
Oh sure, I thought I did, but when they got tested I would just fold.
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Example
I might say to myself - "If that bitch does --- insert behaviour here --- again, I will fucking well leave her"
And, she would do it again.
And I would fold like a deckchair.
Conveniently having amnesia about having said to myself "If that bitch does --- insert behaviour here --- again, I will fucking well leave her", or giving myself a pass that I was just angry when it happened.
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The only bit of credit I'll give myself here is that these dealbreakers I only ever said to myself, I never ever directly said to her - "If you --- insert behaviour here --- again, I will fucking well leave you"
So when things were becoming well unglued and I issued an ultimatum, it had credibility. I had no history of making idle threats.
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The trigger to my leaving was one word in one otherwise innocuous conversation, which quickly escalated.
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So really, I didn't actually have any dealbreakers (I bloody should have had though, would have saved me a decade or two).
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 7, 2016 9:16:06 GMT -5
Another strong factor: not knowing how the children ( teenagers) are going to react. The only advice I get ( repeatedly is don't mention it to the children!) then I read where others had no choice, told the children, and the kids say, " yeah! What took you so long!".
When I was 15 yrs old my mother mentioned leaving and me living with my dad. I cried, said no. But the next four years until I moved away the whole family avoided each other. I see the same developments in my own family.
Having the children's approval would push things into action!
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 7, 2016 9:44:59 GMT -5
Originally I was planning to stay three more years for mainly financial reasons. If I would have stayed my financial picture would be better. However certain factors sped up implementation of my exit strategy. To answer you questions: what is it going to take to push you over the edge? The biggest factor was day by day I felt like I was in prison. I felt like my husband was my jailor. He also had health issues that could lead to a stroke or heart attack. I felt like he was a time bomb ticking and if I didn't leave and something happened to him I'd be stuck and not be able to leave. How would that make me look to my kids if I left their sick father? So while he was fully functional I had to launch. I see the exit strategy implementation period as a window that is closing very slowly and eventually you will not be able to leave. I saw this as the most opportunistic time for me. Also husband started getting verbally abusive said such mean things that I could never say to someone I loved and I got to a point that I thought "he's not a nice person, he doesn't love me and I even wondered if he wanted a divorce but he didn't have the guts. So I pulled the trigger for both of us. Turns out he didn't want a divorce but I didn't have to put up with his abuse anymore and my kids don't have to be under the same roof with him every single night. He also forget my birthday and the next month I retained an attorney. Previous year we got a decent raise after no raise for 7 years. For me I realized by seeing attorney 2 and 3 (attorney one did not make me feel confident with the financial outlook) that I could afford to support my children. What are your dealbreakers, and what will it take for you to know that you have hit them? The abuse and refusing to be celibate. Unmatched you are doing it the right way to give it your all and be open and honest with your wife just make sure you stay honest and true to yourself.  . Hugs |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 7, 2016 9:53:36 GMT -5
Another strong factor: not knowing how the children ( teenagers) are going to react. The only advice I get ( repeatedly is don't mention it to the children!) then I read where others had no choice, told the children, and the kids say, " yeah! What took you so long!". When I was 15 yrs old my mother mentioned leaving and me living with my dad. I cried, said no. But the next four years until I moved away the whole family avoided each other. I see the same developments in my own family. Having the children's approval would push things into action! The night we told the kids my 9 year old screamed "No!" And burst into tears. She cried for less than 5 minutes and then we had a family discussion and answered their questions. If I waited for my daughter's approval I may not be free because she's too young to understand or make an adult decision. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2016 10:00:33 GMT -5
Interesting thread. I do know my deal breakers. At least I think I do.
My husband has been verbally abusive in the past - read screaming/yelling at me for pretty much nothing. I took it for years. I thought it was my fault. Now I know better and I told him a few months back that the next time he yells at me, he can pack his bags and leave. And I meant it. No one deserves to be treated that way. Least of all ME! I'm a kind, gentle person and I refuse to be his verbal punching bag. He's been good for the last few months, and the boundary is FIRM now. Either I finally taught him how to treat me or that mean streak will be our deal breaker.
And then there's his drinking. I like to think the next time he passes out, it's over. But, we've been through that a handful of times and I'm still here. I *think* the next blackout episode is a deal breaker but I have immense compassion for addicts. No one who hasn't dealt with addiction has any business saying "well just quit!" Ha, the most worthless piece of advice ever to an addict. Messed up brain chemistry, mental health issues, etc., it just isn't that simple. And I get it.
Cheating would be a deal breaker. Him being abusive to our kids, deal breaker.
And the yelling, yeah. I'm over it.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2016 10:04:53 GMT -5
Originally I was planning to stay three more years for mainly financial reasons. If I would have stayed my financial picture would be better. However certain factors sped up implementation of my exit strategy. To answer you questions: what is it going to take to push you over the edge? The biggest factor was day by day I felt like I was in prison. I felt like my husband was my jailor. He also had health issues that could lead to a stroke or heart attack. I felt like he was a time bomb ticking and if I didn't leave and something happened to him I'd be stuck and not be able to leave. How would that make me look to my kids if I left their sick father? So while he was fully functional I had to launch. I see the exit strategy implementation period as a window that is closing very slowly and eventually you will not be able to leave. I saw this as the most opportunistic time for me. Also husband started getting verbally abusive said such mean things that I could never say to someone I loved and I got to a point that I thought "he's not a nice person, he doesn't love me and I even wondered if he wanted a divorce but he didn't have the guts. So I pulled the trigger for both of us. Turns out he didn't want a divorce but I didn't have to put up with his abuse anymore and my kids don't have to be under the same roof with him every single night. He also forget my birthday and the next month I retained an attorney. Previous year we got a decent raise after no raise for 7 years. For me I realized by seeing attorney 2 and 3 (attorney one did not make me feel confident with the financial outlook) that I could afford to support my children. What are your dealbreakers, and what will it take for you to know that you have hit them? The abuse and refusing to be celibate. Unmatched you are doing it the right way to give it your all and be open and honest with your wife just make sure you stay honest and true to yourself. . Hugs The answers to this question are interesting. Some responders, rather than saying what would compel them to leave, listed the reasons they stay. Baz named a clear cut incident that was the trigger. Others say they will leave if this or that happens, but this or that do not come with any quantification or clear way to known they have occurred. Then there's people like you and I, where it just reached a critical mass and we couldn't take it anymore. One night my wife and I had one of our usual stupid uncommunications and I went out to get dog food and I just decided right there in the pet store parking lot that it was over. I went home and said we're getting a divorce. I didn't tell her I want a divorce or ask her to talk about a divorce. I said we're getting a divorce and off we went into soap opera land. The point: I think ultimately for most people thinking about it, the thing that will push them over the edge is simply reaching the point where they just can't take it anymore. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 7, 2016 10:30:13 GMT -5
Originally I was planning to stay three more years for mainly financial reasons. If I would have stayed my financial picture would be better. However certain factors sped up implementation of my exit strategy. To answer you questions: what is it going to take to push you over the edge? The biggest factor was day by day I felt like I was in prison. I felt like my husband was my jailor. He also had health issues that could lead to a stroke or heart attack. I felt like he was a time bomb ticking and if I didn't leave and something happened to him I'd be stuck and not be able to leave. How would that make me look to my kids if I left their sick father? So while he was fully functional I had to launch. I see the exit strategy implementation period as a window that is closing very slowly and eventually you will not be able to leave. I saw this as the most opportunistic time for me. Also husband started getting verbally abusive said such mean things that I could never say to someone I loved and I got to a point that I thought "he's not a nice person, he doesn't love me and I even wondered if he wanted a divorce but he didn't have the guts. So I pulled the trigger for both of us. Turns out he didn't want a divorce but I didn't have to put up with his abuse anymore and my kids don't have to be under the same roof with him every single night. He also forget my birthday and the next month I retained an attorney. Previous year we got a decent raise after no raise for 7 years. For me I realized by seeing attorney 2 and 3 (attorney one did not make me feel confident with the financial outlook) that I could afford to support my children. What are your dealbreakers, and what will it take for you to know that you have hit them? The abuse and refusing to be celibate. Unmatched you are doing it the right way to give it your all and be open and honest with your wife just make sure you stay honest and true to yourself. . Hugs The answers to this question are interesting. Some responders, rather than saying what would compel them to leave, listed the reasons they stay. Baz named a clear cut incident that was the trigger. Others say they will leave if this or that happens, but this or that do not come with any quantification or clear way to known they have occurred. Then there's people like you and I, where it just reached a critical mass and we couldn't take it anymore. One night my wife and I had one of our usual stupid uncommunications and I went out to get dog food and I just decided right there in the pet store parking lot that it was over. I went home and said we're getting a divorce. I didn't tell her I want a divorce or ask her to talk about a divorce. I said we're getting a divorce and off we went into soap opera land. The point: I think ultimately for most people thinking about it, the thing that will push them over the edge is simply reaching the point where they just can't take it anymore. Yeah a lot of people are stating financial reasons they stay and I get that. I totally blew up our finances by leaving. We both work so we could each support ourselves. If I stayed 3 more years my finances may have been better but my mental and emotional well being may not have been so for once I put myself first. The nice fancy big house meant nothing if I wasn't happy. |
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Post by JMX on Jun 7, 2016 11:28:23 GMT -5
@phinheasgage - that is what is striking me about this thread as well. The question that unmatched proposes is: what will it take to push you over the edge? NOT - why do you stay? The ones here, I respect all of you - that did not answer the question but instead answered "why do you stay?" Is very curious indeed. Not sure I could have answered unmatched's question last week even, but I wouldn't have answered it with why I stay. To me, this means NO DEAL BREAKERS. |
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Post by Chatter Fox on Jun 7, 2016 11:46:06 GMT -5
So for those of us in Baz's 'thinking about leaving' camp, what is it going to take to push you over the edge? What are your dealbreakers, and what will it take for you to know that you have hit them? For me, we already had the divorce discussion and basically agreed to split, and then pulled back from it and agreed to give counselling a shot to see if we can make it work. I know that I have things I am not clear on (how long do I give it, how much is enough, etc.). And I have things that I am clear on, like I need regular sex to be happy and it needs to include kissing and foreplay and making out, all of which seem to be very difficult for my wife. If we can't make those things happen, or we get to the point where it is clear we are not getting there, then I am out. (And for the record, as of now I am not wildly optimistic...) Well, I basically already went over the edge once. I was in the "actively leaving" category not so long ago. Now it's more like a "wait and see" thing. Like you, I'm not exactly sure what it'll take to get me to "actively leaving" mode. I'm trying to figure that one out. I have very similar expectations as what you said It needs to be reasonably frequent and reasonably satisfying. I've laid out my needs to her. I told her that I need it to be somewhere between once a week and once a month and that it needs to be a genuine and mutual expression, in other words, not duty sex. So far so good but there have been some rough spots. We've been back on track for almost a year. It's slowed down a TON though compared to how it was once she finally saw that I wasn't bluffing. Time will tell. I am more optimistic than I was... at least in terms of the near future. I still feel as though having a satisfying love life with my wife will always be a battle... and that, in and of itself, seems like a rather gloomy and depressing future. I'm not sure how much I want to keep fighting that battle. It's painful to feel like I have to twist her arm about it. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2016 12:19:56 GMT -5
Physical violence would do it... I have never touched her ....and never could... but if she hit me... I would immediately get her out of MY house....i have dealt with her crying and yelling... not even my fault!
Also give the fact that there has been almost no sex in our marriage, infidelity would work to.... but it's highly unlikely... seems too detached from sex...
And... although this may seem off... damaging my cars. I have years and thousands restoring 2 cars... if she damages one... and I have heard stories... those cars are all that has kept me sane at times in this marriage.... and are my distraction....
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. Hugs
