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Post by Isabellas39 on Jun 7, 2016 13:01:44 GMT -5
The things that would push me over the edge are physical or verbal abuse, and if we get to the point where I can't even be on friendly terms.
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jun 7, 2016 13:26:28 GMT -5
For women, that physical abuse is a sure edge and I would hate to ever see that occur to anyone here. For me, it's been the lack of attention and resistance to do anything "fun" not just sex. Life is unnecessarily quiet and predictable. So many dreams of adventure and taking life by the horns kinda squashed. I guess since my W is so passive these days my edge is the fact that I see no end to the marriage let downs so I am moving forward on the duplex/fourplex idea. If she changes, great. If she finds a new man, great there too. I crossed the point of caring so either way i can cope.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 7, 2016 13:30:55 GMT -5
1. Money. My wife doesn't work, so I would need to support her. Right now, I can't afford rent for two apartments. 2. My wife's relationship with my son. Right now, she is a good mother, but she babies him. The boy is 13 years old. 3. My wife stopping treatment for her mental illness or not listening to her doctor's advice. I'm sorry this will sound mean, it's just probably bad taste humour... Forgive me in advance, but I can't help it! Once you solve the 3rd, 2nd and 1st will take care of themselves...  ? sorry again, I know it's not funny... My wife does see her doctor and takes her meds. She is more amenable to that than even I am. But if she didn't, I would leave. I can't deal with her off her meds. So if she stopped treatment, I would leave in a heartbeat. I might post something about mentally ill parents. Those that accept treatment and take care of themselves are great parents. As much as my wife frustrates him, my son loves his mother and understands her problems as best he can. But if it caused him problems, I would leave. I would do 2 and 3, regardless of the money situation if they got worse. But right now, I can wait until I can afford to leave properly. |
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Post by ggold on Jun 7, 2016 13:32:34 GMT -5
For me, the issue is my W health and our finances. Outside of that.... (Is there a dust emoji?) I'm in the same boat. Beyond the mental health aspects, I simply can't carry two households. I have trouble with one. And I pretty much have to carry the load. I won't hurt my kid and I don't really want to hurt my w. I think I pretty much have to settle for what I have. Sad to say, but I think I need some new hobbies/interests to distract me for 10+ years. Then maybe I simply don't care about a SM. I had sex in my 30's - how much more do I need lol :-( This makes me so sad to hear. To think that you are willing to go another 10+ years like this? :-( |
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Post by ggold on Jun 7, 2016 13:43:54 GMT -5
So for those of us in Baz's 'thinking about leaving' camp, what is it going to take to push you over the edge? What are your dealbreakers, and what will it take for you to know that you have hit them? For me, we already had the divorce discussion and basically agreed to split, and then pulled back from it and agreed to give counselling a shot to see if we can make it work. I know that I have things I am not clear on (how long do I give it, how much is enough, etc.). And I have things that I am clear on, like I need regular sex to be happy and it needs to include kissing and foreplay and making out, all of which seem to be very difficult for my wife. If we can't make those things happen, or we get to the point where it is clear we are not getting there, then I am out. (And for the record, as of now I am not wildly optimistic...) I have avoided using the word divorce. I couldn't say it. What pushed me over the edge the other day was when he said he had not yet made an appointment for therapy because he is having difficulty making the call and will have difficulty speaking with someone. Meanwhile, I have been working on myself in therapy for years, have clearly expressed how unhappy I am in this marriage, etc. Does he really think this has been easy for me???!! He's been all talk and no action for years. I've had it. Now he wants me to wait until he gets help for his issues. Now, when I have zero intimate feelings for him. I am his partner in parenting and in the household, that's it. It will never be anything more than that. I will be consulting with an attorney soon to see what I need to do. This divorce will probably not happen quickly. I just want to make an arrangement that will be best for our children. As I have told him, it doesn't have to be the horrible picture he probably sees it as in his head. This all fucking sucks!!! I hate it! |
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Post by jim44444 on Jun 7, 2016 14:27:57 GMT -5
So for those of us in Baz's 'thinking about leaving' camp, what is it going to take to push you over the edge? What are your dealbreakers, and what will it take for you to know that you have hit them? For me, we already had the divorce discussion and basically agreed to split, and then pulled back from it and agreed to give counselling a shot to see if we can make it work. I know that I have things I am not clear on (how long do I give it, how much is enough, etc.). And I have things that I am clear on, like I need regular sex to be happy and it needs to include kissing and foreplay and making out, all of which seem to be very difficult for my wife. If we can't make those things happen, or we get to the point where it is clear we are not getting there, then I am out. (And for the record, as of now I am not wildly optimistic...) So what would be a dealbreaker? 1. Infidelity. I am not a believer in monagamy but if she can't/won't do me than she must not be doing someone else. 2. Criminal activity. 3. Physical abuse. 4. Addiction. Anything that takes over her life. Probably a subset of item 2. 5. My mindset changing to say "fuck it". |
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jun 7, 2016 14:53:04 GMT -5
So for those of us in Baz's 'thinking about leaving' camp, what is it going to take to push you over the edge? What are your deal breakers, and what will it take for you to know that you have hit them? For me, we already had the divorce discussion and basically agreed to split, and then pulled back from it and agreed to give counseling a shot to see if we can make it work. I know that I have things I am not clear on (how long do I give it, how much is enough, etc.). And I have things that I am clear on, like I need regular sex to be happy and it needs to include kissing and foreplay and making out, all of which seem to be very difficult for my wife. If we can't make those things happen, or we get to the point where it is clear we are not getting there, then I am out. (And for the record, as of now I am not wildly optimistic...) I have avoided using the word divorce. I couldn't say it. .......... I just want to make an arrangement that will be best for our children. As I have told him, it doesn't have to be the horrible picture he probably sees it as in his head. This all fucking sucks!!! I hate it! ggold, I know, I hate it too, why is this this way? But with kids, we do have to be considerate in how we do this but they also cannot be our prison door key. So knowing kids will be the focus, engage him on how he sees you sharing them. Don't agree or disagree with him, just make him talk and listen to where his head is. A refuser can suddenly change ways when they start seeing this consequence becoming real - talking it out can be scary. It will be hard to even realize you are actually having the conversation, it can feel so odd. Years ago we had a "talk" and we were specific as to wants and what was okay and not. She pretty much agreed that everything was okay to do (no anal for me). However, only once or twice was she "free with her body and it reverted. But there may be hope for you - be specific and make him be specific too. See where it goes. We're behind you! |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2016 15:08:27 GMT -5
So for those of us in Baz's 'thinking about leaving' camp, what is it going to take to push you over the edge? What are your dealbreakers, and what will it take for you to know that you have hit them? For me, we already had the divorce discussion and basically agreed to split, and then pulled back from it and agreed to give counselling a shot to see if we can make it work. I know that I have things I am not clear on (how long do I give it, how much is enough, etc.). And I have things that I am clear on, like I need regular sex to be happy and it needs to include kissing and foreplay and making out, all of which seem to be very difficult for my wife. If we can't make those things happen, or we get to the point where it is clear we are not getting there, then I am out. (And for the record, as of now I am not wildly optimistic...) I have avoided using the word divorce. I couldn't say it. What pushed me over the edge the other day was when he said he had not yet made an appointment for therapy because he is having difficulty making the call and will have difficulty speaking with someone. Meanwhile, I have been working on myself in therapy for years, have clearly expressed how unhappy I am in this marriage, etc. Does he really think this has been easy for me???!! He's been all talk and no action for years. I've had it. Now he wants me to wait until he gets help for his issues. Now, when I have zero intimate feelings for him. I am his partner in parenting and in the household, that's it. It will never be anything more than that. I will be consulting with an attorney soon to see what I need to do. This divorce will probably not happen quickly. I just want to make an arrangement that will be best for our children. As I have told him, it doesn't have to be the horrible picture he probably sees it as in his head. This all fucking sucks!!! I hate it! Divorce can be the most stressful thing you ever go through. But it isn't if you're both rational and work together instead of everything being a fight. Big if, I know. But if he's worried about how awful a divorce will be, that's up to him. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 7, 2016 15:28:42 GMT -5
So what would be a dealbreaker? 1. Infidelity. I am not a believer in monagamy but if she can't/won't do me than she must not be doing someone else. 2. Criminal activity. 3. Physical abuse. 4. Addiction. Anything that takes over her life. Probably a subset of item 2. 5. My mindset changing to say "fuck it". That's a respectable list. Mine would be similar... 1 - Damn straight! I'm not coping with this to find she's just been giving it to someone else. 2 - Yeah, particularly if I found that she'd undermined us financially 3 - Certainly, but unlikely. I'd broaden it to generally abusive behavior, notwithstanding the lack of intimacy. 4 - I refuse to take on more burden. My give-a-fuck meter is on empty. Already dealing with self-destructive behavior in one of the kids. 5 - There are many weeks where I am seriously in the "fuck it" camp, just for the need of an intimate relationship. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 7, 2016 16:15:06 GMT -5
So for those of us in Baz's 'thinking about leaving' camp, what is it going to take to push you over the edge? What are your dealbreakers, and what will it take for you to know that you have hit them? For me, we already had the divorce discussion and basically agreed to split, and then pulled back from it and agreed to give counselling a shot to see if we can make it work. I know that I have things I am not clear on (how long do I give it, how much is enough, etc.). And I have things that I am clear on, like I need regular sex to be happy and it needs to include kissing and foreplay and making out, all of which seem to be very difficult for my wife. If we can't make those things happen, or we get to the point where it is clear we are not getting there, then I am out. (And for the record, as of now I am not wildly optimistic...) I have avoided using the word divorce. I couldn't say it. What pushed me over the edge the other day was when he said he had not yet made an appointment for therapy because he is having difficulty making the call and will have difficulty speaking with someone. Meanwhile, I have been working on myself in therapy for years, have clearly expressed how unhappy I am in this marriage, etc. Does he really think this has been easy for me???!! He's been all talk and no action for years. I've had it. Now he wants me to wait until he gets help for his issues. Now, when I have zero intimate feelings for him. I am his partner in parenting and in the household, that's it. It will never be anything more than that. I will be consulting with an attorney soon to see what I need to do. This divorce will probably not happen quickly. I just want to make an arrangement that will be best for our children. As I have told him, it doesn't have to be the horrible picture he probably sees it as in his head. This all fucking sucks!!! I hate it! said "Does he really think this has been easy for me?" This is something I expressed to my husband the day after I told him I wanted a divorce and he was very sad. I told him the sadness you are feeling now I have felt for years because of the way you treated me and I deserve to be happy. |
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Post by ggold on Jun 7, 2016 16:50:15 GMT -5
bballgirl Yes. This sadness has been with me for years as well. I need to find happiness.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Jun 7, 2016 17:09:21 GMT -5
Realizing he would never change. One of our counseling homework assignments was to plan dates for each other (surprises or shared plans). I planned mine as a surprise, making sure it would be something he would like. When I told him about it, he berated me, saying he thought I forgot about it and he wasn't "allowed" to remind me. He was critical of me and was not grateful at all. We went on the date anyway, and for me it was strained and uncomfortable. The whole thing was a microcosm of our lives together: his lack of faith in me, not trusting me, making me feel small and stupid. I knew then it was way beyond repair.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 7, 2016 17:24:48 GMT -5
Realizing he would never change. One of our counseling homework assignments was to plan dates for each other (surprises or shared plans). I planned mine as a surprise, making sure it would be something he would like. When I told him about it, he berated me, saying he thought I forgot about it and he wasn't "allowed" to remind me. He was critical of me and was not grateful at all. We went on the date anyway, and for me it was strained and uncomfortable. The whole thing was a microcosm of our lives together: his lack of faith in me, not trusting me, making me feel small and stupid. I knew then it was way beyond repair. I could copy that story 100 percent! Was that enough? Did you go through it again and again? Was it something dramatic? |
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Post by misssunnybunny on Jun 7, 2016 17:30:05 GMT -5
Realizing he would never change. One of our counseling homework assignments was to plan dates for each other (surprises or shared plans). I planned mine as a surprise, making sure it would be something he would like. When I told him about it, he berated me, saying he thought I forgot about it and he wasn't "allowed" to remind me. He was critical of me and was not grateful at all. We went on the date anyway, and for me it was strained and uncomfortable. The whole thing was a microcosm of our lives together: his lack of faith in me, not trusting me, making me feel small and stupid. I knew then it was way beyond repair. I could copy that story 100 percent! Was that enough? Did you go through it again and again? Was it something dramatic? That was near the end of our first round of counseling. I told him the session after that "date" that I was done and wanted a divorce. He didn't think I was serious. He asked to go see a different counselor. Being a sucker I said okay, and dragged it on a little longer. But a couple months later, I said I wanted a divorce a second time, that things were beyond repair, and that time it stuck. It took many baby steps and so much courage I didn't think I had, but I knew if I stayed I would be miserable the rest of my life. No huge fight, nothing dramatic, just me shaking like crazy from nerves and stating, "I want a divorce." |
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Post by unmatched on Jun 7, 2016 17:35:24 GMT -5
So for those of us in Baz's 'thinking about leaving' camp, what is it going to take to push you over the edge? What are your dealbreakers, and what will it take for you to know that you have hit them? For me, we already had the divorce discussion and basically agreed to split, and then pulled back from it and agreed to give counselling a shot to see if we can make it work. I know that I have things I am not clear on (how long do I give it, how much is enough, etc.). And I have things that I am clear on, like I need regular sex to be happy and it needs to include kissing and foreplay and making out, all of which seem to be very difficult for my wife. If we can't make those things happen, or we get to the point where it is clear we are not getting there, then I am out. (And for the record, as of now I am not wildly optimistic...) And to ask you your own question, at what point are you going to say that's it? Sorry, I seem to have missed most of my own thread while I was asleep! I am not sure at what point I am going to say stop. Right now I feel like things are moving, even though I am struggling to see our relationship getting to where I need it to be. I think as long as I feel that there is movement I will be willing to stick it out. If I feel like we have stopped or gone as far as we can go I think that will be the time to call it quits. I also think there is a strong possibility we will get to a point in counselling where my wife says 'I can't go any further'. I am having an attack of the guilts this morning, though. Right now it just seems like counselling is stirring up lots of shit for my wife and not really doing much to help her deal with it. So she is feeling worse because it is bringing up all the stuff she is desperate to not have to look at or think about, which I guess is an inevitable part of the process. But she doesn't know what to do with it. So she feels less strong and less able to be vulnerable and intimate than she was even before. Maybe we will come through this and maybe we won't. But I feel guilty for dragging her through it (which I know I shouldn't - it is her stuff to deal with), and I am scared that counselling might leave her more scared/vulnerable/depressed and still end in us splitting up, at which point she will need to be strong more than ever. |
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? sorry again, I know it's not funny...
