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Post by jerri on Aug 15, 2020 15:14:11 GMT -5
Our R was wounded by all of this years ago. I made a choice to get my marriage as healthy as I could because even if he left me l would still need good relationship skills. (I don't always do well with communication skills)
l didn't sit him down with Michelle W Davis's video.
I let feelings and blame escalate and decided he controlled me for the last decade and I couldn't go without sex and intimacy for the rest of my life! I was getting sex one way or another. l was told never to let someone control my sex life again. Next decade was mine! I earned sex and the right to intimacy! I think if I go about this step by step, instead of letting it build resentment till I explode or implode with depression... I think it is doable. And I may even decide not to pursue it after all. I really don't want someone who isn't stimulated by me. Maybe he won't stimulate me intellectually or sexually?
He did respond well to the book, The Five Languages Of Love" so that's where I may start with small steps.
I could get hurt, or he may tell me to put a mask on and go see my friend in the SM. Nothing will hurt as bad as "you don't stimulate me, nothing's wrong with me, I have been to the doctor and everything works well".
We get along so well that I may just be delusional and that's ok too. Part of what I am supposed to do is check in every now and then to see if anything has changed.
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Post by isthisit on Aug 15, 2020 16:24:32 GMT -5
jerri , you seem to hope that rational and logical arguments will motivate a change. I don’t think he can be reasoned into wanting intimacy with you, regardless of how sound your case may be. Perhaps he might believe the pain as expressed by someone other than yourself, and that might motivate him emotionally instead of logically. I had the idea that reading 100 of the posts and their comments at www.reddit.com/r/deadbedrooms would paint a more impactful, believable picture than I could convey. If he could be bothered to read; my W didn’t. Whoa. Do I understand you correctly? You provided a narrative of the lived experiences of the refused for your W to help communicate your feelings and she chose not to read them? Wow. That is pretty telling in my view. DryCreek your W clearly did not want to read anything which would provide even a crack in the facade she had created that all was well in your M. Thereby negating your perspective entirely. This lack of empathy must have been crushing. I am sorry you experienced that. It’s hard for me to understand not wanting to better understand the view point of the person you love in anything, let alone on something as important as intimacy. If you love someone you want them to be optimally happy and seek opportunities to understand this surely? It’s amazing that you didn’t throw in the towel right then and there. I guess we all have our tales of absence of empathy.
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Post by jerri on Aug 16, 2020 12:18:56 GMT -5
jerri , you seem to hope that rational and logical arguments will motivate a change. I don’t think he can be reasoned into wanting intimacy with you, regardless of how sound your case may be. Perhaps he might believe the pain as expressed by someone other than yourself, and that might motivate him emotionally instead of logically. I had the idea that reading 100 of the posts and their comments at www.reddit.com/r/deadbedrooms would paint a more impactful, believable picture than I could convey. If he could be bothered to read; my W didn’t. He flat out rolled his eyes at the mere suggestion and picked up a book and started reading vocally to drown me out. I got silent and just watched his eyes. Amazing how such an intellectual man can be so childish. I said as I was leaving the room, what about covid? Can't you just give me intimacy until covid is over? He put down the book and turned out the light. I had these fantasies that I would water-fast and just not cook and just go silent when he wanted his meals. I'm going to hurt either way, better to not be silent and act like all is well.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 16, 2020 12:47:41 GMT -5
Jerri, listen to what your husband is telling you. He is contemptuously telling you that he doesn’t want to have sex with you. He is saying that he doesn’t care that you are interested in sex.
Marriage expert Dr John Gottman says that when contempt enters a marriage the couple is likely to divorce within 5 years. Contempt is the most damaging thing that can be in a marriagr.
Even if you have no plans of divorcing, your husband could be planning to divorce you. Instead of trying to get sex from a man who clearly is not interested you’d be better off doing things that would allow you to thrive if you get divorced.
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Post by Handy on Aug 16, 2020 13:00:15 GMT -5
Jerri, Northstarmom's advice is spot-on. If I were in your shoes and female, I would be contributing to a private divorce fund so I wasn't put in a bind if or when divorce suddenly becomes the main concern..
I know, many or most people come to a forum like this and hope to fix or get what ever it they want. That depends too much on the person that has the least interest in what ever topic is the poster's main concern.
Your H is what he is and you changing that has about as much chance of it snowing in Manila in the Philippine Islands at sea level. Your energy is best spent taking care of yourself as if your H barely existed. It might help you if you considered him similar to a hologram, an electronic image rather than a flesh and blood person with the physical capabilities to fill a need of yours.
I have the 20+ books that didn't work to get me more sex or even emotionally closer to my W and she would have sex with me if I pushed and pushed for sex. Trouble was it was somewhat empty sex and not all that often.
Some people are just "who they are" and the sooner you accept other people to be "who they are," the fewer disappointments and the less pain you will experience. This might be a far-fetch analogy but a Chihuahua can never be a St Bernard or visa-versa. Maybe a better example is American cheese isn't Swiss cheese, no matter how much you wished it was.
My question is "what would you do if you knew for sure that your sex and intimate life with your H was written out and was to never to change. List 10 possible things you coulld do or would do if my question is a fact of reality.
I suggest you could start on your potential answers soon because it sounds like that would be a healthier plan than his constant rejections.
I have started a "me money account" and have been developing friendships outside of our former circle of friends. My plan is slow going so be warned this is a time intensive process.
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Post by Handy on Aug 16, 2020 13:31:02 GMT -5
If you want your marital relationship to improve, read the following guy's posts. It is one of the very few turn-around stories on the Internet that I have read. I have read his posts on Michelle W Davis forum over 10+ years ago. He post on the "Talk About Marriage" forum every so often. You might have to register to follow my link to his posts.
Short version, he was ready to divorce, they went to a "follow a plan" couple's counselor and "follow a plan" sex therapist or the marige was doomed. This rarely happens and if you go to a fairly skilled counselor, do not expect favorable results. Both of the couple has to follow the counselors plan and there are very few counselors that can come up with a workable plan.
www.talkaboutmarriage.com/members/young-at-heart.177266/
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Post by saarinista on Aug 16, 2020 13:37:18 GMT -5
Your husband probably likes that "5 love languages" book because he's figuring out how to show you love witb the languages that don't involve touch. It's a nice way to placate you.
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Post by Handy on Aug 16, 2020 13:50:25 GMT -5
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Post by jerri on Aug 16, 2020 15:41:52 GMT -5
His choice if he leaves. Saving money would have to come in time because we are involved in a frivolous 'Trump style' lawsuit. Counsel will be reimbursed much later and that's reaching 6 figures. Court appointed mediation was fruitless.
Wow, thanks, Handy! <Kisses on your cheek 💜>
If there is one thing that I have learned it is not to tear down a relationship. I see relationships that live in turmoil, resentment. I would much rather live in love and peace! He bought me a car, asking me to find him a sports car that I loved. At the dealership he handed me the fob and told the sales person to put it in my name and wished me a happy early birthday! There are many ways that I am good to him, but he is also good to me and I love him dearly for that.
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Post by Handy on Aug 16, 2020 21:15:05 GMT -5
Jerri, thank you for the kisses. If you want to, a tight hug and few pats on my butt would be OK. I could use then too.
I know you came here looking for solutions that lead to sex/intimacy with your H. Statistically, that is unlikely to happen so the general advice is usually directed towards allowing your partner to be who they are naturally and to develop interests that serve you better, that do not depend on your spouses participation.
Many ILIASM folks have decent spouses as friends go, so that makes leaving more difficult. Lots of posters write, "if my spouse had an affair (fill in the blank_____________FIB) I would divorce him/her tomorrow. That affair FIB rarely happens so no action is taken.
What ever you decide to do or not do, I am certain the folks on this forum will support you.
Handy, the owner of about 20 relationship books and still I am mostly on my own.
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Post by jerri on Aug 17, 2020 0:15:28 GMT -5
Will do! I love it! Looked for a gif and didn't find one. 💙 I will take you out on the town!
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Post by Handy on Aug 17, 2020 0:44:42 GMT -5
If you come to my state, you better have a full tank of gas. When the gas gauge reads 1/4, that is as good as empty because the next town and gas station might be 50 miles away. If I go to see a certain relative, the distance between gas stations is 109 miles. I am good with the distance because my car averages 32 MPG and has an 11 gallon tank. Maybe you want me to come to see you? About going out on the town. I am a cheap date. Taking me out on the town might involve a 1$ ice tea and some fries from McDonald's. I used to do the ice tea several times a week (1/4 sweet and the rest non-sweet tea) and visit with friends but with this Covid stuff the visiting at the golden Arches has ended. The fries are good but way too many calories. GIfs are cute but not required because I used to look for some but few ever seemed to fit a message. Maybe I used too many in the past and now think more about what I post. So now I just try to say what is on my mind without being too over bearing. Anyway, I try to be helpful.
Edit:
That 109 miles between gas stations, I think there might be 2 gas stations I am missing but they are several miles off the main hwy and might only be open for a few hours a day, so a person has to know where they are and take a chance they are open or if they even have gas/petrol. Being out that far from town, they might also run out of gasoline or diesel fuel.
Some ranches have "farm tanks" and some pick-up trucks have a second fuel storage unit. One guy I know has a 40 gallon regular tank and a 100+ gallon auxiliary tank. When fuel was $3 a gallon, a fill up cost $420. .
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Post by jerri on Aug 17, 2020 3:01:49 GMT -5
Now that's being prepared! Sounds beautiful and peaceful! My best friend loves French fries and gravy! She also has to visit the cows when we traveled.Tea sounds good. yummy.
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Post by Handy on Aug 17, 2020 4:08:30 GMT -5
visit the cows ??
I suppose that is similar to peeing behind a tree.
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Post by jerri on Aug 17, 2020 4:21:22 GMT -5
She actually pets cows! Lol there are a ton of flies and she really doesn't care. She makes me stop each time so she can pet them.
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