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Post by lessingham on Nov 15, 2023 6:44:29 GMT -5
I tried therapy and antidepressants. Can't say they helped. I was not one with the prozac nation, the pills barely cut it.
Therapists were okayish but never got to the improving stuff, years of sitting there feeling a twit more than insights or breakthroughs. I tried three over about four years.
So, there is just me, myself alone in the shit storm.
It is the rule of three/three/three. A diet guy told me this and it seems to be a rule of life. Go on a diet or into therapy or pills say. A third of folk will have amazing results. A third will have "meh" results and a third will have no results whatsoever. I got the last.
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Post by lessingham on Nov 15, 2023 6:46:59 GMT -5
On the plus side. My son's girlfriend is moving in. She wants him to dig up her dead pets in her old house and rebury them in the apartment garden. We are talking cats, rats and hampsters. I cannot stop laughing at the thought
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Missingout
Full Member
Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Nov 15, 2023 7:57:24 GMT -5
On the plus side. My son's girlfriend is moving in. She wants him to dig up her dead pets in her old house and rebury them in the apartment garden. We are talking cats, rats and hampsters. I cannot stop laughing at the thought That’s something I have never heard of before. She might need therapy…😂 |
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 15, 2023 11:36:38 GMT -5
lessingham: "I tried therapy and antidepressants. Can't say they helped. I was not one with the prozac nation, the pills barely cut it.
Therapists were okayish but never got to the improving stuff, years of sitting there feeling a twit more than insights or breakthroughs. I tried three over about four years.
So, there is just me, myself alone in the shit storm.
It is the rule of three/three/three. A diet guy told me this and it seems to be a rule of life. Go on a diet or into therapy or pills say. A third of folk will have amazing results. A third will have "meh" results and a third will have no results whatsoever. I got the last."
If you put the time and effort into trying to improve your life (by taking little steps under YOUR control)that you put into taking care of, worrying about, and trying to change your wife and son, you would see progress. This could mean doing more exercising, doing more things outside of the house without your wife, trying different types of therapy or medication, etc. It literally took me decades to find the right therapist and medication, but when I finally did, I completely changed and now I'm living the life of my dreams. What happened was I learned to take responsibility for my own welfare and happiness and to not expect others to change or to live their lives in ways that I found comfortable.
Instead, you choose to be what therapists refer to as a "help-rejecting complainer." If you look at your own messages here you'll see how you repeatedly complain about the same problems but seldom take steps under your control to make your life better. Meanwhile, there will come a day in which your time really has run out for making positive changes. That will be because you'll no longer be physically or mentally capable of taking actions that you have the capability of taking now. You are lucky that you still have time to become the type of person you want to be and to live a life that makes you happy.
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Post by lessingham on Nov 16, 2023 5:54:30 GMT -5
A help rejecting complainer! Cor.
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 16, 2023 6:45:44 GMT -5
A help rejecting complainer! Cor. It's not an insult, it's a plea. When you were reporting on your physical fitness program months back, the tone was a more upbeat one. Is there potential there? Your post about the car show you went to was similarly positive. Was getting away from the needy people revitalizing? Is co-dependency factoring in? Does being a dependable companion by your wife and family's side make up the bulk of who you are? Does engaging in activities for your sake only make you anxious? As though you shouldn't be there? Dad Starting Over has an online men's group. $27 a month. If it's beneficial/therapeutic, cheap as hell. (long term is cheaper) They have a one month free promo at: dadstartingover.com/get-one-month-freeIt strikes me as a group that may help a fella get out of his shell, set up some boundaries, and stick up for their basic rights top a satisfactory existence. Join up, set a calendar reminder to cancel eight days before it expires and see what you think. Some of teh forums are on Facebook, so I could not see all it had to offer. The numerous Zoom calls multiple times per week struck me as likely to be the special feature ILIASM does not provide. I'm not a member, I get no commission or anything. I like the host's style. He has a podcast: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dad-starting-over/id1185701282Frequently allied with Dr. Psychmom who has lots of fans here at ILIASM. If you like his podcasts, talking live to people of teh same mindset may promote a path forward with your life that gives you more agency in what you become and how you feel. |
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 17, 2023 11:54:41 GMT -5
Lessingham -- what stands out to me are the years you've put into vainly trying to change your wife and your son despite their horrendous treatment of you. Yet, you care so little about yourself that you spent only 4 years with therapists and trying out medications to get yourself in a position to do things under your control to improve your life. You also quickly give up when you start taking steps to be more independent of your wife such as exercising or seeing old friends, etc.
It can take a while to find the right therapist and medication so one can do things under your control to improve your life. However, neither therapy nor medication is a magic cure. One has to also take steps, not just vent or hope. The possibility of your changing your life for the better is good if you are willing to put the work in and if you understand you are the only person whom you can make change. You can't make other people change.
You remind me of Handy, who seemed to be a very nice man who was very supportive to others but never had the life he wanted. He died without having the life he wanted.
Lessingham, life is short. You are fortunate to still be healthy enough to be able to do things like exercise and travel independently. In terms of your health, what's ahead is probably downhill (especially if you are very stressed and aren't exercising), so if you want to make changes, now is the time to do so. Or you can choose to continue focusing on your wife and son and venting about them while life passes you by.
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 22, 2023 9:55:35 GMT -5
This seemed like the only appropriate place to post this since my son is part of the problem. I am back in my 2nd career...teaching. A couple months ago I was asking my grand-daughter to read to me. She would never do it. Finally I asked her parents to help me with her refusal. And they did. I quickly learned why she didn't want to read to me. She is in the 2nd grade but she could barely get through a kindergarden level book. She labored over every word having to phonetically sound it out. I was stunned.
My son isn't interested in teaching her and her mother is really too busy to do it. So now I am back to teaching early childhood education. We are working with flash cards almost every time I'm there and reading a book twice a week. And she is making steady progress. Fortunately, we have plenty of time to bring her up to a 3rd grade reading level before she gets there. She is very adept at math so I won't have to do a lot there. Never would I have imagined at 75 I would be teaching a grandchild basic reading skills.
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Post by lonelyhubby on Dec 22, 2023 10:18:02 GMT -5
This seemed like the only appropriate place to post this since my son is part of the problem. I am back in my 2nd career...teaching. A couple months ago I was asking my grand-daughter to read to me. She would never do it. Finally I asked her parents to help me with her refusal. And they did. I quickly learned why she didn't want to read to me. She is in the 2nd grade but she could barely get through a kindergarden level book. She labored over every word having to phonetically sound it out. I was stunned. My son isn't interested in teaching her and her mother is really too busy to do it. So now I am back to teaching early childhood education. We are working with flash cards almost every time I'm there and reading a book twice a week. And she is making steady progress. Fortunately, we have plenty of time to bring her up to a 3rd grade reading level before she gets there. She is very adept at math so I won't have to do a lot there. Never would I have imagined at 75 I would be teaching a grandchild basic reading skills. Sadly most schools (at least in the U.S.) simply are not teaching anything really well any longer. If a child doesn't just get it out of the gate - they get left behind and passed through the system without much effort being made to resolve their issues, or God forbid actually hold them back until they master what they should be doing. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Dec 26, 2023 7:14:50 GMT -5
This seemed like the only appropriate place to post this since my son is part of the problem. I am back in my 2nd career...teaching. A couple months ago I was asking my grand-daughter to read to me. She would never do it. Finally I asked her parents to help me with her refusal. And they did. I quickly learned why she didn't want to read to me. She is in the 2nd grade but she could barely get through a kindergarden level book. She labored over every word having to phonetically sound it out. I was stunned. My son isn't interested in teaching her and her mother is really too busy to do it. So now I am back to teaching early childhood education. We are working with flash cards almost every time I'm there and reading a book twice a week. And she is making steady progress. Fortunately, we have plenty of time to bring her up to a 3rd grade reading level before she gets there. She is very adept at math so I won't have to do a lot there. Never would I have imagined at 75 I would be teaching a grandchild basic reading skills. Sadly most schools (at least in the U.S.) simply are not teaching anything really well any longer. If a child doesn't just get it out of the gate - they get left behind and passed through the system without much effort being made to resolve their issues, or God forbid actually hold them back until they master what they should be doing. "Flash cards"? To memorize words or to sound them out? Languages built on phonemes can only be sounded out. Recognizing words is base don pictorial languages like Chinese and Japanese where the words for "Tree" and "forest" look similar and make logical sense. The "whole language" method is likely what made your granddaughter illiterate. I accuse this "teaching" method of causing the migration of young people towards video versions of everything. You can't find text technical articles very often. I end up locating the transcript of the video (it ain't easy) and text searching for the steps I need. It takes two minutes but I cannot stand watching eight minutes of stuff I already know. I intuitively knw this and taught my daughters to read when the school system was bent on having them rote memorize "sight words" (that do not actually exist), but the podcast " Sold a Story" explains the hokum behind this "superior" method teachers swear by, despite the parade of dyslexics it has left in its wake. features.apmreports.org/sold-a-story/Can you read this word? Trebopernix You probably can, but no one who learns with the "see-say method" can. Nor any other word they've never seen before. Mental carnage. Demolition of a potential vocabulary. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 26, 2023 19:07:09 GMT -5
"Flash cards"? To memorize words or to sound them out? Languages built on phonemes can only be sounded out. Recognizing words is base don pictorial languages like Chinese and Japanese where the words for "Tree" and "forest" look similar and make logical sense. The "whole language" method is likely what made your granddaughter illiterate. I accuse this "teaching" method of causing the migration of young people towards video versions of everything. features.apmreports.org/sold-a-story/With the flash cards I am 1st of all teaching her to recognise the word spoken. After I am sure she recognises the word and can readily pick it out from the other cards, then we begin to work on her spelling it out, as in a spelling bee. We usually spend about a 1/2 hour to 45 minutes in each session. Once in a while we will go an hour depending on how quickly she reads the book she has picked out. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 26, 2023 20:22:03 GMT -5
Sadly most schools (at least in the U.S.) simply are not teaching anything really well any longer. If a child doesn't just get it out of the gate - they get left behind and passed through the system without much effort being made to resolve their issues, or God forbid actually hold them back until they master what they should be doing. It really blows me away that her teacher has said nothing about how far behind she is in her reading skills. Her mom has had a least 1 conferance with the teacher and it didn't come up. Or the teacher could have sent a report or message home to her parents. Instead it seems the teacher was just going to let things go. I expect there are tutors available in the school. Or she could have recommended that the parents look into getting her help. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 30, 2023 19:53:21 GMT -5
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