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Post by mirrororchid on Jul 20, 2023 5:25:30 GMT -5
He is useless at DIY. It would be yours truely changing any locks and I am not doing it. The building is a Georgian mansion, I kid ye not, divided into apartments so modern ideas are scarce from the management Sounds like you're making his circus and monkeys yours, though. Not with actions, but with words.... and maybe your peace of mind? Maybe you're taking it personally because he's your blood? The world is going to slap these dopey kids around enough. At a certain point, we are here for sympathy and a spatula for when they hit rock bottom, but the stuff they do until then? Ya just have to watch through strained fingers and cringe. Mind you, I only suggest this after not having taken that approach and regretting it. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 20, 2023 11:54:00 GMT -5
lessingham: "he is useless at DIY. It would be yours truely changing any locks and I am not doing it.
The building is a Georgian mansion, I kid ye not, divided into apartments so modern ideas are scarce from the management."
His situation is only your problem if you make it your problem. He's a grown man. He can figure things out himself just like your wife has the capability of getting up and getting her own medicine and coffee.
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Post by lessingham on Jul 31, 2023 9:51:33 GMT -5
He is indeed a grown man and I am not getting involved. I will drive him to any interview he has just to make sure he goes
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 1, 2023 14:49:38 GMT -5
I'm reminded of a story of a woman who claimed to be an invalid, and had her daughter wait on her hand and foot, which she did constantly until she met an early untimely death. With no other choice left, her once bedridden mother suddenly healed herself and set about doing everything she once claimed she couldn't.
Don't let these attention where relatives keep taking advantage of you. Let them stand on their own. If they stand, they stand. If they fall they fall. That which does not kill them will make them stronger.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 2, 2023 9:53:25 GMT -5
lessingham: "He is indeed a grown man and I am not getting involved. I will drive him to any interview he has just to make sure he goes."
He is a GROWN man. Stay completely out of his adult business. Leave it up to him to get to his interviews. You don't even need to know when he has interviews. If he ends up being completely broke and not paying his rent, if you don't bail him out, he and his girlfriend will figure out what to do. He is so irresponsible because you have been enabling him just like you enable your wife.
You really can leave the house and do your own thing while she watches TV and gets her own drinks and snacks. You even could take a solo trip by yourself. You don't have to be her lackey. However, you are choosing to be both of their lackeys, and then you complain about what you are choosing to do.
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Post by mirrororchid on Aug 2, 2023 18:53:13 GMT -5
Hm.
I like the idea of getting him to interviews, but then, how would he be getting himself to work?
NorthStarMom may have a point.
Getting to the interview may be part of the logistics of being an adult.
Got my own enabling issues to look at someday, maybe
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Post by lessingham on Aug 13, 2023 4:59:12 GMT -5
Went to see him recently and cried. His apartment is a shambles and dirty.
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Post by baza on Aug 13, 2023 18:20:31 GMT -5
I recollect in a past post your son has some condition that affects his co-ordination .... or something like that ....
In my jurisdiction if you have a diagnosed condition you are probably entitled to Govt assistance for housekeeping, though you may have to jump through a lot of hoops to access the service.
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Post by lessingham on Aug 14, 2023 2:02:04 GMT -5
He has dyspraxia and that makes him clumsy. But that does not stop him cleaning. Plus to be sexist and 20th century, it does not stop his partner from cleaning. I could clean the bathroom in half a hour. I could get a plumber in to fix the shower in a phone call. A Monday morning chore
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 14, 2023 12:34:32 GMT -5
lessingham: " I could clean the bathroom in half a hour. I could get a plumber in to fix the shower in a phone call. A Monday morning chore"
I hope you don't plan to do those things for the grown man who is your son.
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Post by lessingham on Aug 15, 2023 2:38:05 GMT -5
Nope.
Not interested in cleaning his stuff any more. But I feel the hopeless pain
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 15, 2023 12:42:16 GMT -5
Lessingham -- you can't save your son. He is an adult responsible for his own choices, and apparently it's you, not he who is feeling bad about his choices.
Why not spend your time brightening your own life by taking a trip by yourself or doing something that will really bring you joy, the joy you don't get from being around your wife or son.
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Post by lessingham on Aug 19, 2023 1:45:55 GMT -5
I cannot remember what brings me joy any more. It got lost along the way.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 19, 2023 17:51:59 GMT -5
lessingham: The last 10 or so years of my sexless marriage, I spent time reclaiming myself and discovering what activities and people brought me joy. It was a period of self exploration in which I paid attention to my own needs and desires, not my husband's. I tried a variety of activities: running, yoga, meditation, a women's group, working out regularly, acting, singing, dancing, photography, painting, drawing. Some activities I loved, some I didn't.It ended up that I found my joy in acting, and that's also where I found lots of friends who welcomed me as I am, and I also found post SM partner.
The time I spent doing those things for myself paid off big time in that I became the type of person I'd always admmired. This wouldn't have happened if I'd continued dwelling on my refuser ex or troubled older adult son.
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Post by lessingham on Aug 21, 2023 2:33:51 GMT -5
The things that brought me joy I can no longer do. I cannot hear music as I could. I cannot walk or hike as I did. Solo sex fades. I hate the house we live in.
Perhaps it is time to ditch the old joys and find new ones. But it is hard to draw up a shopping list of potential joys.
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