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Post by lessingham on Feb 9, 2023 5:21:24 GMT -5
The new out of work girlfriend who has semi moved in with him has bought a pedigree puppy!!!!!!! Such things as financial responsibility seem to be a thing of the past.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 9, 2023 9:36:43 GMT -5
The new out of work girlfriend who has semi moved in with him has bought a pedigree puppy!!!!!!! Such things as financial responsibility seem to be a thing of the past. Sadly your son has "life lessons" to learn about finances and responsibility ( like my son and his addictions) Your son has his own 'addictions' there just not as blatant as what my son is going through. You can help him with the tough love of saying "no" with your wallet and time. Totally block out what your controlling wife says and be the head of the household ( and yourself) by taking action, not words. Put his things in bags/boxes out on the curb, change locks, move the food away from his access, etc... You will be "disliked" in the short term, but think about it.... who needs to be liked by someone who treats you like shit? It's all about boundaries with consequences. It's a win win for both of you....It's not easy, but the best things in life usually aren't handed to you.. you have to earn it! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 3, 2023 14:44:29 GMT -5
Never sacrifice yourself for the sake of the relationship.
For this piece of wisdom, I credit my therapist, because I had it wrong. I thought you put the relationship first and kept sacrificing. He helped me learn to put myself first, and that the health of the relationship depends on that choice.
When we sacrifice ourselves, we begin to feel resentment, which is the root of martyrdom and self-justification for treating a partner as badly as he or she treats us. If your partner truly loves you, there should be no objection to your protecting, preserving, and defending your self from harm, and from preventing your self from being sacrificed at the feet of another.
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 6, 2023 7:11:13 GMT -5
Never sacrifice yourself for the sake of the relationship. For this piece of wisdom, I credit my therapist, because I had it wrong. I thought you put the relationship first and kept sacrificing. He helped me learn to put myself first, and that the health of the relationship depends on that choice. When we sacrifice ourselves, we begin to feel resentment, which is the root of martyrdom and self-justification for treating a partner as badly as he or she treats us. If your partner truly loves you, there should be no objection to your protecting, preserving, and defending your self from harm, and from preventing your self from being sacrificed at the feet of another. Maybe I need a therapist, but I have to disagree or at least suggest the viewpoint is incomplete. Sacrifice is a good idea if: 1. a) your partner benefits more than you lose (the greater the disparity, the smarter the sacrifice) AND b) the partner reciprocates when an opposite condition presents itself. OR 2. Your partner acknowledges the sacrifice and demonstrates gratitude that you find rewarding. The resentment trap is especially likely in the absence of one of the compensatory behaviors. Even then, some of that self-care may be vital, such as when a loved one is chronically ill. Preserving your own life and identity may be critical to your capacity to continue sacrificing for a loved one whose needs are substantial and long-lasting. A stitch of selfishness may be necessary. (Hopefully, a needful partner will encourage this recharging process.) The refusal to "sacrifice" a half-hour for a sex session once a week is part of the hair-pulling madness of sexless marriage. It's such a tiny ask, yet the answer is consistently "No." Apocrypha points out that sexlessness isn't indifference, or else "Why not?" sex would come into play sometimes. This has to be an active aversion, either specific, or general. Commonly refusers do not acknowledge, nor appreciate refused spouse's patience, but it is deemed the default. It may be, in some instances, the failure to recognize or agree with the disparity of benefit-to-sacrifice ratio. That half hour is underestimated in its value to the refused, or the sacrifice is much higher than the refused can understand. Or, the refuser doesn't place value on the benefit of the spouse at all; different recipes of hell for each SM. |
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