|
|
Post by lessingham on Feb 9, 2023 5:21:24 GMT -5
The new out of work girlfriend who has semi moved in with him has bought a pedigree puppy!!!!!!! Such things as financial responsibility seem to be a thing of the past.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Feb 9, 2023 9:36:43 GMT -5
The new out of work girlfriend who has semi moved in with him has bought a pedigree puppy!!!!!!! Such things as financial responsibility seem to be a thing of the past. Sadly your son has "life lessons" to learn about finances and responsibility ( like my son and his addictions) Your son has his own 'addictions' there just not as blatant as what my son is going through. You can help him with the tough love of saying "no" with your wallet and time. Totally block out what your controlling wife says and be the head of the household ( and yourself) by taking action, not words. Put his things in bags/boxes out on the curb, change locks, move the food away from his access, etc... You will be "disliked" in the short term, but think about it.... who needs to be liked by someone who treats you like shit? It's all about boundaries with consequences. It's a win win for both of you....It's not easy, but the best things in life usually aren't handed to you.. you have to earn it! |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Mar 3, 2023 14:44:29 GMT -5
Never sacrifice yourself for the sake of the relationship.
For this piece of wisdom, I credit my therapist, because I had it wrong. I thought you put the relationship first and kept sacrificing. He helped me learn to put myself first, and that the health of the relationship depends on that choice.
When we sacrifice ourselves, we begin to feel resentment, which is the root of martyrdom and self-justification for treating a partner as badly as he or she treats us. If your partner truly loves you, there should be no objection to your protecting, preserving, and defending your self from harm, and from preventing your self from being sacrificed at the feet of another.
|
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Mar 6, 2023 7:11:13 GMT -5
Never sacrifice yourself for the sake of the relationship. For this piece of wisdom, I credit my therapist, because I had it wrong. I thought you put the relationship first and kept sacrificing. He helped me learn to put myself first, and that the health of the relationship depends on that choice. When we sacrifice ourselves, we begin to feel resentment, which is the root of martyrdom and self-justification for treating a partner as badly as he or she treats us. If your partner truly loves you, there should be no objection to your protecting, preserving, and defending your self from harm, and from preventing your self from being sacrificed at the feet of another. Maybe I need a therapist, but I have to disagree or at least suggest the viewpoint is incomplete. Sacrifice is a good idea if: 1. a) your partner benefits more than you lose (the greater the disparity, the smarter the sacrifice) AND b) the partner reciprocates when an opposite condition presents itself. OR 2. Your partner acknowledges the sacrifice and demonstrates gratitude that you find rewarding. The resentment trap is especially likely in the absence of one of the compensatory behaviors. Even then, some of that self-care may be vital, such as when a loved one is chronically ill. Preserving your own life and identity may be critical to your capacity to continue sacrificing for a loved one whose needs are substantial and long-lasting. A stitch of selfishness may be necessary. (Hopefully, a needful partner will encourage this recharging process.) The refusal to "sacrifice" a half-hour for a sex session once a week is part of the hair-pulling madness of sexless marriage. It's such a tiny ask, yet the answer is consistently "No." Apocrypha points out that sexlessness isn't indifference, or else "Why not?" sex would come into play sometimes. This has to be an active aversion, either specific, or general. Commonly refusers do not acknowledge, nor appreciate refused spouse's patience, but it is deemed the default. It may be, in some instances, the failure to recognize or agree with the disparity of benefit-to-sacrifice ratio. That half hour is underestimated in its value to the refused, or the sacrifice is much higher than the refused can understand. Or, the refuser doesn't place value on the benefit of the spouse at all; different recipes of hell for each SM. |
|
|
|
Post by lessingham on May 23, 2023 9:00:34 GMT -5
My son has been made redundant! And it has broken my heart. Instead of getting in there and hunting jobs, he is taking time out to "relax". Having an instant family of a paryner and teen daughter has not hardened him up.
I am old fashioned in that way, a man has to provide for his family, not relax or find himself or whatever.
I am no longer willing to support him
|
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on May 24, 2023 6:13:13 GMT -5
My son has been made redundant! And it has broken my heart. Instead of getting in there and hunting jobs, he is taking time out to "relax". Having an instant family of a partner and teen daughter has not hardened him up. I am old fashioned in that way, a man has to provide for his family, not relax or find himself or whatever. I am no longer willing to support him Maybe self-employment is his style? Hates having a boss? A little seed money for a lawn mower? Door Dash gigs? I hear good things about Amazon's contracted driving gig's compensation |
|
|
|
Post by lessingham on May 24, 2023 8:45:16 GMT -5
At the tender age of 17 his friend told my son he could not drive due to his condition! Apparently dyspraxic folk cannot drive. This is etcheed on my son's soul. He cannot drive. He refuses to try, he refuses to find sympathetic driving schools. He cannot/will not drive. So uber and amazon delivery jobs are out of his sphere.
Moi? After graduating from college into a collapsing job market I took a job as a postman rather than be jobless.
|
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on May 24, 2023 12:01:08 GMT -5
He's a grown man. Don't make his problems yours. Let him carry the burden of figuring things out, something he'll have to do when he runs out of money. The best thing that you can do for him would be to allow him to take full responsibility for his life.
|
|
|
|
Post by lessingham on Jun 3, 2023 4:41:28 GMT -5
The Italians have a term, manbino?, for men who never grow up. Thus us my son, excited about being made redundent because he can buy that arcade machine he wants.
I despair for the both of them. She bought a dolls houae for her large doll collection. These are the big 18 inch dolls. Now she is buying a beach hut for them. In an apartment they are already overwhelmed with stuff.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jun 4, 2023 18:25:08 GMT -5
As annoying as this can be, it ain't your problem Brother lessingham . UNLESS you choose it to be, say by providing financial bale outs. |
|
|
|
Post by lessingham on Jun 6, 2023 2:49:22 GMT -5
Not my monkey, not my circus indeed. Until the shit hits the fan.
|
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jun 15, 2023 11:41:02 GMT -5
lessingham: "Not my monkey, not my circus indeed. Until the shit hits the fan."
You can choose not to help him. You have a choice. You can even warn him now that if he doesn't get a job, you won't bail him out. You have power but you tend to not don't take or use it.
|
|
|
|
Post by lessingham on Jul 17, 2023 2:56:51 GMT -5
A day in the life. He lost his keys to his apartment and the building. Hey ho, never mind because he has a spare set. Never mind the fact he has compromised the building's safety and maybe his own. So, then he loses his second set. No keys. We have a spare emergency set and he asked us to cut him a new set.
There then followed a danse macabre of him not being able to find a day for us to cone down and he & the girlfriend having to stay in the apartment on a rota. Come a day, go a day God send Sunday.
After 5 days he agrees we can come down with the keys.
I am furious he has not changed the door lock and told the building manager at the least.
|
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Jul 17, 2023 5:37:45 GMT -5
I am furious he has not changed the door lock and told the building manager at the least. What penalties does their building impose on residents for lock changes. Keys are cheap. Is he handy enough to change his own door lock? Is he allowed to? The cost and or permission could stop a man of limited means from pursuing more optimal measures of security. Perhaps you are no longer the supply of his emergency key or he can come get it whenever it's convenient for you. In my youth, I would have taken such chances for thirty bucks. In the 21st century, it's time for his building to put number pad or magnetic card locks in. |
|
|
|
Post by lessingham on Jul 20, 2023 2:39:01 GMT -5
He is useless at DIY. It would be yours truely changing any locks and I am not doing it.
The building is a georgian mansion, I kid ye not, divided into apartments so modern ideas are scarce from the management
|
|
