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Post by lessingham on Oct 8, 2023 16:22:32 GMT -5
When he was laid off the company paid him a lump sum in compensation
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Post by baza on Oct 8, 2023 19:26:33 GMT -5
This isn't going to help you in any direct sense Brother lessingham , but it might help some other members who are not - yet -as far down the chute. We reap the consequences today of the choices we made (or didnt make) yesterday. Just as sure as the choices we make (or don't make) today will produce consequences tomorrow. If you are in the early stages of a dud relationship then you have to have to set, and defend, boundaries. If you don't then you are in for a world of ongoing hurt. |
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Post by lessingham on Oct 11, 2023 4:50:57 GMT -5
I have already driven deep down that wrong road,Baza. When I was young my parents basically left ne to it, no support. I had to do everything myself. So, like a twit, I vowed I would help my son as much as possible. It ended in a twisted co dependency both of us hate.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 14, 2023 16:28:38 GMT -5
lessingham: Are you taking any action (therapy? Reading books about codependency? Distancing yourself from your son?) to end your "twisted co-dependency" or have you decided that it's impossible for you to change how you deal with your son? If you don't choose to change, your life is going to continue with the same misery. The best way to predict future behavior is past behavior.... The only behavior you have the power to change is your own. It's hard, but it is possible one baby step at a time. BTDT. It really is possible.
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Post by lessingham on Oct 19, 2023 3:05:35 GMT -5
And this morning she was talking to him. If my arthritus gets worse I will stop driving and he can gave my car!!!!!!! My car, my decision. I felt totally put out to pasture
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 19, 2023 12:46:39 GMT -5
What are you doing, Lessingham, to treat yourself better? Step by step treating yourself better will allow you to set boundaries that will mean you will not accept bad treatment any more from others. You'll also spend less time with those that don't value you. You will attract people who do value you. Do babysteps each day. This will make a difference. You can do this.
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Post by lessingham on Oct 19, 2023 16:41:14 GMT -5
I am sick at the moment, a bloody cold caught fron the little darlings at school. So, it gives me an excuse to distance myself. We are not gaving them up for a few days so he can use my computer for a zoom interview. I am not looking after the kid do they can have anniversary me time.
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Post by lessingham on Oct 30, 2023 3:47:54 GMT -5
They have gone on vacation, bought when he was flush with money. We agreed to feed the cats.
The apartment was a mess, the toilet black and the kitchen sink filthy and full of unwashed cups. It stank of cats.
I was brought up old school, soap and water cost nothing, neither does elbow grease. How the hell can they live like this, especially when neither work?
I broke down in tears.
Anyhoo, a good news thing. He has a job! An end to that nightmare at least
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 30, 2023 4:17:45 GMT -5
Your son is lazy and has a disgustingly kept house. I don't understand why you'd agree to feed his cats. If he has $ for a vacation, he has money to pay for housecleaning and cat care. You keep choosing to be a martyr. Your tears would be better spent regretting how sad you allow your life to be.
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 31, 2023 5:57:12 GMT -5
This smacks of drug use (alcohol and weed included).
Self-medicated depression, perhaps.
He got a job. Can he keep it? America has 3.4% unemployment. Jobs are plentiful. They may not pay well, they may be difficult and soul crushing, but jobs can be had.
I'll cross my fingers for you, but...
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 31, 2023 12:05:41 GMT -5
Whatever his grown son's problem, Lessingham doesn't have to make his son's problems his problems nor does he have to do things like take care of his son's cats in his son's disgusting apartment. The time Lessingham is taking crying over his son, worrying about his son, and. helping his son would be better spent improving his own life by doing things he'd enjoy.
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 1, 2023 5:51:09 GMT -5
Whatever his grown son's problem, Lessingham doesn't have to make his son's problems his problems nor does he have to do things like take care of his son's cats in his son's disgusting apartment. The time Lessingham is taking crying over his son, worrying about his son, and. helping his son would be better spent improving his own life by doing things he'd enjoy. About that.... Lessingham, you had a fitness routine going at one point. Status? Fell off the horse? Happy to cheer you one to pick up again. Statistically, the more often you quit smoking the more likely you are to succeed each time. I figure fitness is similar. The more often you start, the more likely you'll be to eventually adopt it as a lifestyle. So if you fell of teh horse, it's okay to get back up and not self-judge. I need to start again myself. |
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 1, 2023 12:41:44 GMT -5
Lessingham, I wish you'd pay more intention to doing things under your control to improv your life. Your wife and son's behavior is not under your control, but you can workout, make friends, take trips by yourself, etc. When I think of your life, I feel sad for you not giving yourself a chance to live in more than misery. It's not your wife who is making you have such a constricted life. It's the choices you are making whether or not you choose to stay with her.
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Post by lessingham on Nov 8, 2023 8:07:13 GMT -5
There is a great book, Masquerade, in which the witches are trying to find the baddy. They ask everybody the same question, if you house is on fire what one thing would would you bring out. The baddy's reply is, "what would you like me to bring out?"
That is me, I have had my dreams kicked out of myself so many tines and my requests refused that I no longer know what they are or dare to ask. How can I get a life when I never lived?
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 8, 2023 11:24:07 GMT -5
There is a great book, Masquerade, in which the witches are trying to find the baddy. They ask everybody the same question, if you house is on fire what one thing would would you bring out. The baddy's reply is, "what would you like me to bring out?" That is me, I have had my dreams kicked out of myself so many tines and my requests refused that I no longer know what they are or dare to ask. How can I get a life when I never lived? You are alive still and reasonably healthy so you can choose to explore new things and find out what you like. The only person's permission you need is your own. I was involuntarily unemployed for a long time during my marriage and I was very depressed because I liked working. I was so depressed I had no idea of even ordinary things like what my favorite color was or what types of things I liked to do for fun. So --with the help of a good therapist (something for you to consider doing again. This was perhaps my 4th therapist during my life, and she ended up being the one who helped the most), I started exploring different things. That way I learned what I liked and what I didn't like. This included trying things that either I hadn't had a chance to do when I was young even though those things interested me or trying things that just seemed like possible fun. Things I tried ranged from running (I literally placed last behind a woman running in a hoop skirt and high heels and a man in a wheelchair. Needless to say, I didn't continue that hobby) to being in a group of women who appreciated classical music (I like classical music, but, unlike me, these women were rich and descended from the founders of the city where I lived), to painting (I seem to lack talent), to drawing (fun, but lonely) to getting involved in acting, singing, dancing -- which ended up being where I found my peeps and partner and talents! I wish you'd spend the thought and time on yourself that you now spend worrying about your son and catering to your wife. Life is short. Even if you have only a few years left, you still could choose to do things that have the possibility of bringing happiness into your life. You are the only person who can do that -- but you have to turn your attention to yourself, not your wife or son. |
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