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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 3, 2019 14:11:38 GMT -5
I'd like to anecdotally test an idea I've seen recurring on the Sexless Marriage Issues forum.
The standard narrative seems to be that "refusers" are cold fish (objectively) who hate sex.
My observed reality post-separation - with my ex wife and with many of the divorced women I've dated, is that the "sex aversion" seems to dissipate quickly after the relationship ends. The supposed "cold fish" resumes what seems to be a normal enthusiastic sex life, but with other people. Sometimes they are surprised to find they enjoy sex at all, and sometimes they realize they were biding time.
Of course, this does not support the general "sex averse" narrative, but instead points to that result as being downstream of some other dysfunction.
For people who have split and kept track, does "celibate spouse resumes sex life" strike you as common?
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Addendum
Hey folks - there are many ways information about our ex-spouses finds its way back to us - and not all of those involve us actively soliciting it from our ex-spouse.
Sometimes it is unwanted, and sometimes it's just information that arrives.
Pointing out the moral prescription that "it's none of my business" isn't necessary in this discussion. Let's give ourselves permission to talk about things we have observed, so (for the benefit of the folks still entwined) so they can test their diagnosis of "aesexuality" as the cause for unwanted celibacy.
And a reminder - for many of us post marriage - the people were are now dating have their own stories and experiences that they may have shared. In my own case, I've been dating quite a few women who thought they were "intimacy averse" when they were in a relationship, and have now discovered that they are not.
If you don't know what your spouse is up to, there's no need to post that here.
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Post by jim44444 on Oct 3, 2019 21:33:37 GMT -5
I am not in the demographic you requested but I believe my W would be open to sexual activity if we were to seperate. I suppose I should be devestated by that thought but my arrogant self feels her lack of libido is not my fault. Maybe we have just been together for too long and boredom has taken over.
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Post by Handy on Oct 3, 2019 23:57:02 GMT -5
New relationship energy (NRE) often leads to sexual feelings. So, yes some refusers will be sexual with a new person. How long the sexual attraction last is up for debate.
People that post on affair forums say the sex lasts as long as the NRE lasts and then they look for a new partner.
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Post by baza on Oct 4, 2019 0:33:50 GMT -5
As far as I am aware (and to be truthful I've never investigated the matter) my missus did not have another boyfriend or sex life after I left. And if she actually did, it would have been none of my business in any event. None the less, and despite my own experience, I suspect that Brother Apocrypha 's point is probably right .... particularly in the younger (say 40's) demographic. Just because your spouse didn't want to root you, doesn't necessarily mean they wouldn't root someone else. |
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Post by isthisit on Oct 4, 2019 1:26:36 GMT -5
To my surprise my H is busy on Tinder now he has accepted our separation. I am unsure if he is seeking validation, sexual activity or simply an emotional connection. It’s none of my business and I don’t much care. If he rekindles his former lust for intimacy, then lucky her. It changes nothing either way for me at all.
Anyway I need not worry just yet. Recently he was lamenting his lack of success in even achieving an online conversation let alone dates or more. He even had the cheek to ask me to review his profile- erm defo not in the job description of an ex. I am very sure about that.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 4, 2019 11:13:21 GMT -5
When I asked for a divorce I learned my refuser wasn’t even celibate pre divorce. He had a girlfriend and thought he’d gathered her 2-year old. He was 62. If I hadn’t asked for a divorce he never would have told me. We now have been divorced 6 years. He is now living with a woman and had been for at least 4 years.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 4, 2019 11:38:01 GMT -5
I see my X on a regular basis. Thus far she has shown no interest in dating after I pointed out to her that most males on dating sites want to have sex with the females there. She found that revelation quite disconcerting. One possible relevant fact I did not take into consideration during my SM was that my X shared her 1st H had several affairs. OK<and then what? This is the supposed reason for the divorce. Toward the very end of our marriage she also told me he wanted her to participate in 3somes. She declined. In retrospect I have to wonder if his behavior might have been due to her avoiding intimacy in the 1st marriage. Even though we dated and lived together I never would have guessed that one day she would prefer celibacy and then divorce to intimacy with me. EDIT: When my X and I started dating she was quite game for sex. We were intimate on the 3rd date and continued at a healthy pace of 2-3 times/week. Pretty active considering we both pulled some long hours and had separate homes and children to care for. Since we were both in our late 40's this to some degree supports your postulate about divorced spouses experiencing a rekindling of their sex drive with a new partner. I can't say it fully supports your postulate because I don't know if her 1st marriage was sexless toward the end. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 4, 2019 12:30:58 GMT -5
I never dated a refuser after leaving my marriage. What I was looking for was a man who was good in bed and loved sex, could express his feelings appropriately, was honest, had friends and shared my values including my political views. I did a little on line dating but didn’t find a match.
It ended up that the love of my life was a man I’d known for several years thru our mutual interest in acting in community theater. We’ve now been together more than six years.
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 4, 2019 12:35:20 GMT -5
I am not in the demographic you requested but I believe my W would be open to sexual activity if we were to seperate. I suppose I should be devestated by that thought but my arrogant self feels her lack of libido is not my fault. Maybe we have just been together for too long and boredom has taken over. Part of my reason for seeking this information is my frustration with the normal and ego-saving tendency to conceptualize the loss of a sexual connection as something external to the quality of the relationship itself. It's as if the celibacy is weather, or like a crippling accident that has happened, or cancer, or old age infirmity, or a flat tire. I think framing it this way anchors people to solving the wrong problem and the wrong scale of dysfunction, and the wrong moral duty - as if a medical issue had happened. Things get worse, and they take too long, and no one can really be "told". |
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Post by elkclan2 on Oct 10, 2019 3:05:17 GMT -5
Nah, my ex has tried dating. Has complained about his lack of success. He said he didn't think he was cut out for relationships. I said I was sure that there was someone out there for him (but secretly agreed with him). He hasn't been in a romantic relationship since we split. I have no way of knowing if he's 'hooked up' with anyone, but it doesn't sound like it. I did come across him on a dating app. He did not have sex with anyone before me. I don't know if he has since. It's not ego salving for me to know that he's sexually dysfunctional, frankly I'm an idiot for denying it for so long and putting up with it. I've had bad sex with people who I'm sure were perfectly good in bed with other people and I'm sure vice versa. Not everyone is attracted to me. From what you've said over time about your preferences Apocrypha I doubt very much that you would be attracted to me. That's ok. From what you've said over time, I don't know if I would be attracted to you or not. Nothing you've said about yourself has made me think I wouldn't be. I might well be. If I were, we'd have an imbalance of attraction. That doesn't mean that either of us is broken in some way or that I'm not attractive (to others) or damn good in bed. But my ex is sexually broken and at different times in our relationship also was not attracted to me - those are different things. That they are different things, probably doesn't matter. It still resulted in a sexless marriage. Aside from the sex, he's also shit in relationships. I think that's where his lack of dating success really matters. There are no doubt women out there who would like to not have that much (or any) sex in their romantic relationships. But he's also incredibly selfish, thoughtless and self-absorbed. And he's willing to use verbal and emotional abuse to get his needs met regardless of his partner's (or child's) needs. It so happens that I think he's not really romantically attracted to stupid women or to women who are very much younger than him, so his dating pool of smart, mature women isn't too likely to see him as a good candidate for a romantic relationship. I do very much fear that he finds a broken woman, as that would not be good for my son. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 11, 2019 15:03:35 GMT -5
When I asked for a divorce I learned my refuser wasn’t even celibate pre divorce. He had a girlfriend and thought he’d gathered her 2-year old. He was 62. If I hadn’t asked for a divorce he never would have told me. We now have been divorced 6 years. He is now living with a woman and had been for at least 4 years. Ouch. ya. My "celibate" spouse also had a comparatively exciting dating life, as opposed to me. |
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Post by saarinista on Oct 11, 2019 18:22:25 GMT -5
When I asked for a divorce I learned my refuser wasn’t even celibate pre divorce. He had a girlfriend and thought he’d gathered her 2-year old. He was 62. If I hadn’t asked for a divorce he never would have told me. We now have been divorced 6 years. He is now living with a woman and had been for at least 4 years. Ouch. ya. My "celibate" spouse also had a comparatively exciting dating life, as opposed to me. Well, I guess it's good that everybody's switched partners then! |
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Post by nyartgal on Oct 11, 2019 20:30:59 GMT -5
I don’t know for sure about my ex, but from what I hear he never married again and I don’t think he’s in a serious relationship. Which makes me sad because he always wanted a family, and now he’s in his early 50’s. He’s not a bad guy...i don’t know that he’s celibate or uninterested, but I also don’t know if he ever worked on his ED or other issues. When we met the sex was great!
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Post by choosinghappy on Oct 12, 2019 6:02:46 GMT -5
Since splitting over a year ago, I know my ex has had at least a couple “relationships”. They seemed short-lived and included him showering them with gifts and trips (as evidenced by the financial statements he had to provide to the lawyers). He has made quick comments to me here and there about hot waitresses at certain restaurants and indicating that he’s “playing the field”...He seemed to want to elicit either happiness for him or jealousy -I can’t tell which. But it does not make me feel either of those things. Rather, I feel pity.
I do not think he is capable of a real, intimate, loving relationship as that would mean he’d need to make himself vulnerable. And that is what he is most scared of.
I assume he’s had sex with these women. And, based on what I remember of him as a lover-even in the early years, I sort of doubt either he or they enjoyed it, but who knows.
There were two instances upon which he had broken up with women and he told me later that they were “crazy”. He said one tried to kill herself after they broke up.
I don’t know if that’s true or not. If it is, then I really question the types of women he’s allowing into his life (and worry about who he might bring into our son’s life), and if it’s not true then I pity him even more for making something like that up.
I would like for him to be happy one day but I don’t think happiness for him would include a fulfilling sexual relationship in the same way that it does for many other people.
Once, when we talked about dating others, I said I hope he finds a good relationship if that’s what he wants, but gave him a warning (or maybe more of a pleading) to “be truthful and not do to a new woman what he did to me as it was harder on me than he knew”, and since then, I haven’t heard anything about other women. That was at least 6 months ago now.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Oct 12, 2019 7:19:57 GMT -5
My ex met someone new three months after the ink was dry on the divorce papers, and is now married to her. I did find out through gossip (many mutual friends still) that they had sex, and I have heard recently that some of the issues that affected my marriage to him are starting to affect this one...She is really nice and I would be there for her if she needed it, but perhaps she can put up with him better than I did
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