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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 12, 2019 13:19:55 GMT -5
I have read stories of refusers that 'love bombed' their way into a relationship, then a short time later, after 'hooking' their partner onto their star, refused their partner while having affairs . These do exist and are very real! A real MF to anyone who goes through it!
More 'red flags' to avoid in the future.
My ex has been apart from me for 20 months now. I get my info. from my children. There is no one. Just a small fray of women 10 to 20 yrs older than her. I doubt dating ,or men is discussed ( except to bitch about them).
Her older sister has always been an influence on her. She too is anti- men after her divorce.
I remember my words during our 'counseling sessions' when asked, " how would you feel if your W was having an affair?" ( yes...I know that's different, know that we are divorced. But my answer still is the same) Great! I'm glad for her! I hope she is happy! Truly! It at least gives me some "why", and now I can be free to find someone else."
Another weird piece of the puzzle, is me wondering why my daughters are more interested in being with their mom. I know I am with a woman who wants to also be nice ,polite, and social with my daughters. (I digress)
I do believe she would remain a cold fish to another man. Her lack of ever wanting to get in touch with her feminine side will always be a part of her and a deterrent for her.
The thought of her 'sharing' her money with someone else, will also keep her from entering the dating field.
Also knowing how difficult it is for her to give up her sense of control, to submit, to be dominated, or to even have her capability of sexually arousing a man be put to the test, has been so hidden, forbidden, and repressed for so long, I doubt it will be possible for her to find a man. Another asexual man? Maybe? She can really talk football and electrical engineering!
20/20 shows me that her refusal IS/was enough to set me free to find someone else.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 12, 2019 13:49:12 GMT -5
My ex met someone new three months after the ink was dry on the divorce papers, and is now married to her. I did find out through gossip (many mutual friends still) that they had sex, and I have heard recently that some of the issues that affected my marriage to him are starting to affect this one...She is really nice and I would be there for her if she needed it, but perhaps she can put up with him better than I did As time goes by, it will be 'interesting' to see if my ex does manage to date other men, and end up more alone ,because others will see right through her manipulative ways and want nothing to do with it. Just more validation that I/we made the right choice. |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 17, 2019 17:41:05 GMT -5
To my knowledge, my ex hasn't been dating. But to be honest, I haven't done any kind of looking into it. I don't ask my kids about it since it's none of my business and don't want to put them in an awkward situation. I also simply don't care and don't want her living rent free in my head. If I had to make an educated guess, I'd say she isn't interested in dating at all given what I've heard about that brave new world. It sounds like a meat market out there and that would be a definite turn off...at least until the divorce money runs out. At that point, all bets are off. As for ballofconfusion, her ex has been quite promiscuous post separation. But that's with other guys. So I'm not sure the answer applies to the original question. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 18, 2019 9:51:28 GMT -5
To my knowledge, my ex hasn't been dating. But to be honest, I haven't done any kind of looking into it. I don't ask my kids about it since it's none of my business and don't want to put them in an awkward situation. I also simply don't care and don't want her living rent free in my head. If I had to make an educated guess, I'd say she isn't interested in dating at all given what I've heard about that brave new world. It sounds like a meat market out there and that would be a definite turn off...at least until the divorce money runs out. At that point, all bets are off. As for ballofconfusion , her ex has been quite promiscuous post separation. But that's with other guys. So I'm not sure the answer applies to the original question. Thanks, yes, ballofconfusion's response is absolutely applicable to the original question - it's the point of it. I was prompted to ask after reading a gazillion stories on this site of spouses who are "aesexual" - medicalizing their disconnection as something external to the relationship. Something that was happening to them. Framing it that way I think allowed them to be on the same side of it somehow, and justifies a lack of remedy. I found, upon becoming single and dating all kinds of people - that it seems to be the most common thing in the world. To either have been the "aesexual spouse" only to discover when the marriage ends, that sex becomes a priority. Or to find that one's aesexual ex-spouse has now prioritized sex. I think people who are presently embroiled in celibate relationships and framing it as "celibacy happened to us" might benefit from framing their problem differently. If anyone else is reading this and they don't know whether their celibate ex now prioritizes sex, or whether their present partner used to be "aesexual" - that's great, but I'm trying to find out about people who do know. |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 18, 2019 14:11:25 GMT -5
To my knowledge, my ex hasn't been dating. But to be honest, I haven't done any kind of looking into it. I don't ask my kids about it since it's none of my business and don't want to put them in an awkward situation. I also simply don't care and don't want her living rent free in my head. If I had to make an educated guess, I'd say she isn't interested in dating at all given what I've heard about that brave new world. It sounds like a meat market out there and that would be a definite turn off...at least until the divorce money runs out. At that point, all bets are off. As for ballofconfusion , her ex has been quite promiscuous post separation. But that's with other guys. So I'm not sure the answer applies to the original question. Thanks, yes, ballofconfusion's response is absolutely applicable to the original question - it's the point of it. I was prompted to ask after reading a gazillion stories on this site of spouses who are "aesexual" - medicalizing their disconnection as something external to the relationship. Something that was happening to them. Framing it that way I think allowed them to be on the same side of it somehow, and justifies a lack of remedy. I found, upon becoming single and dating all kinds of people - that it seems to be the most common thing in the world. To either have been the "aesexual spouse" only to discover when the marriage ends, that sex becomes a priority. Or to find that one's aesexual ex-spouse has now prioritized sex. I think people who are presently embroiled in celibate relationships and framing it as "celibacy happened to us" might benefit from framing their problem differently. If anyone else is reading this and they don't know whether their celibate ex now prioritizes sex, or whether their present partner used to be "aesexual" - that's great, but I'm trying to find out about people who do know.Gotcha. So you can put me firmly in the camp of "don't know but think not" |
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Post by angeleyes65 on Oct 22, 2019 7:56:17 GMT -5
I believe so but honestly I wish he would find someone. Long ago it would have pissed me off but now I just want him to be happy and move on.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 30, 2019 19:21:58 GMT -5
Ha! My ex must have been reading the forum. She texted me that she had been dating someone for several months and was going to introduce him to our son.
Guess she realized support ends in 2 1/2 years and she's been burning through the pile of divorce settlement money.
I congratulated her. Makes no difference to me. Now she's the new guy's problem 😂
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 30, 2019 19:40:37 GMT -5
Ha! My ex must have been reading the forum. She texted me that she had been dating someone for several months and was going to introduce him to our son. Guess she realized support ends in 2 1/2 years and she's been burning through the pile of divorce settlement money. I congratulated her. Makes no difference to me. Now she's the new guy's problem 😂 Dating someone for several months? Interesting. IF...I was in your shoes, and I was given such info. My knee jerk reaction would be," I'll bet there's zero sex or intimacy,and it all revolves around money". "I congratulated her. Makes no difference to me. Now she's the new guys problem". A very wise and healthy take on the situation! Any concerns, about how this can affect your relationship with your son? It can get nasty. I pray it doesn't ..for all parties concerned. Just be prepared! |
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Post by Handy on Oct 30, 2019 19:44:36 GMT -5
Last evening I read a forum where women posted after their divorce about dating new guys. In the marriage the women mostly said they didn't like sex and were the ones that might think of ways to make the event pass quicker or avoid it as much as possible.
Fast forward to a new man that has more time to spend with these same women and now the women like sex and touching. I read similar events with the separated or divorced women on ILIASM. One major difference on ILIASM is the say the women say they were the ones being denied intimacy until some became counter-refuse's.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2019 20:05:13 GMT -5
To the OP, your supposition sounds about right to me. My ex hooked up with a chick in a bar, had a one nighter and apparently sexts with her. He also regularly offers to have sex with me. Something he never did when we were married. Maybe, at least in my marriage, it wasn’t so much about the sex as it was about the control.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 31, 2019 4:59:15 GMT -5
My ex has been dating the same guy, now, for several months. I do not know their level of intimacy in the bedroom. I do not know what their future holds.
I can say, we were much more intimate before the wedding than after. I wonder if she will pull the same bait and switch on him. My hope is that they do marry. I don't care if they are happy. I don't care if they fuck like rabbits and love it all. All I care about is that my alimony payments end.
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 4, 2019 12:15:20 GMT -5
There's a big thing about new relationship energy. Most people can be sexual in the beginnings of a relationship - to some extent.
My ex is now dating someone and he's being just as an inappropriate as he's always been. He dumped my kid off on me (happy to have him) so he could go on an 'exciting first date' and then four days later asked me to change around weekend visitations to match hers. That was a no - because we have six people who've made plans around that for a long time.
Part of me is like 'whatever' but part of me is like - whoah dude, back up the truck. It seems to be speeding along. I just hope him latching on so quickly doesn't burn my son. And also, I think he would make one of the worst step parents ever.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 7, 2019 21:07:19 GMT -5
Ha! My ex must have been reading the forum. She texted me that she had been dating someone for several months and was going to introduce him to our son. Guess she realized support ends in 2 1/2 years and she's been burning through the pile of divorce settlement money. I congratulated her. Makes no difference to me. Now she's the new guy's problem 😂 Dating someone for several months? Interesting. IF...I was in your shoes, and I was given such info. My knee jerk reaction would be," I'll bet there's zero sex or intimacy,and it all revolves around money". "I congratulated her. Makes no difference to me. Now she's the new guys problem". A very wise and healthy take on the situation! Any concerns, about how this can affect your relationship with your son? It can get nasty. I pray it doesn't ..for all parties concerned. Just be prepared! I'm not worried about my relationship with my son. He's 15 going on 16 and doubt my ex's new guy will be tousling his hair and saying "how's it going, sport?" |
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Post by shamwow on Nov 7, 2019 21:08:07 GMT -5
To the OP, your supposition sounds about right to me. My ex hooked up with a chick in a bar, had a one nighter and apparently sexts with her. He also regularly offers to have sex with me. Something he never did when we were married. Maybe, at least in my marriage, it wasn’t so much about the sex as it was about the control. In a bar... |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 7, 2019 21:48:22 GMT -5
Dating someone for several months? Interesting. IF...I was in your shoes, and I was given such info. My knee jerk reaction would be," I'll bet there's zero sex or intimacy,and it all revolves around money". "I congratulated her. Makes no difference to me. Now she's the new guys problem". A very wise and healthy take on the situation! Any concerns, about how this can affect your relationship with your son? It can get nasty. I pray it doesn't ..for all parties concerned. Just be prepared! I'm not worried about my relationship with my son. He's 15 going on 16 and doubt my ex's new guy will be tousling his hair and saying "how's it going, sport?" Got it. My concern is not about 'new guy' but your manipulative controlling ex. I mean...consider how many years ,you ( and me too by my ex) remained manipulated? You may need to read up on your rights about 'parental alienation'. 15 going on 16 is the exact same age as one of my daughters. I am still baffled by the sudden 180 my daughter has pulled on me. Such sudden outright defiance is explained by the lies and false fears that one ex spouse puts into the minds of a teenager. it gives the ex power, through money, and that twisted logic of 'satisfaction ' that comes with alienating the other spouse from the teen. A manipulative controller will play on the sympathy card . My own daughters have said " mom is lonely and depressed. She needs us". Hopefully you will not find yourself spending all of your shared time with your son, deprogramming all the negativity about you that can be 'wrongfully manipulated 'into their thoughts and actions. |
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