|
|
Post by elynne on Nov 10, 2019 11:04:04 GMT -5
I'd like to anecdotally test an idea I've seen recurring on the Sexless Marriage Issues forum. The standard narrative seems to be that "refusers" are cold fish (objectively) who hate sex. My observed reality post-separation - with my ex wife and with many of the divorced women I've dated, is that the "sex aversion" seems to dissipate quickly after the relationship ends. The supposed "cold fish" resumes what seems to be a normal enthusiastic sex life, but with other people. Sometimes they are surprised to find they enjoy sex at all, and sometimes they realize they were biding time. Of course, this does not support the general "sex averse" narrative, but instead points to that result as being downstream of some other dysfunction. For people who have split and kept track, does "celibate spouse resumes sex life" strike you as common? --- AddendumHey folks - there are many ways information about our ex-spouses finds its way back to us - and not all of those involve us actively soliciting it from our ex-spouse. Sometimes it is unwanted, and sometimes it's just information that arrives. Pointing out the moral prescription that "it's none of my business" isn't necessary in this discussion. Let's give ourselves permission to talk about things we have observed, so (for the benefit of the folks still entwined) so they can test their diagnosis of "aesexuality" as the cause for unwanted celibacy. And a reminder - for many of us post marriage - the people were are now dating have their own stories and experiences that they may have shared. In my own case, I've been dating quite a few women who thought they were "intimacy averse" when they were in a relationship, and have now discovered that they are not. If you don't know what your spouse is up to, there's no need to post that here. What timing! A quick recap: ex and I had been really struggling for 2 to 3 years. Low to no sex after the first few months of our 12 year marriage. We divorced this past August. I have a serious partner (friend turned lover). Sex is incredible. It’s almost as if we’re making up for all the years of my sexless marriage. I never knew it could be this good. My story about my ex (he doesn’t need sex. He doesn’t seem to have much of a need for intimacy. He’ll probably be like his father (single and not dating for the 30 years since his divorce from my ex’s mother). Last week I discovered that when I log into my Sonos account to choose a music playlist my ex’s playlists also appear. To my surprise the ex’s newest playlist was titled “sex music”. Ok. Then yesterday I got an app from my ex saying that while looking up something on his phone with our children he got a text from a girl that he’s been seeing. Initially the children were upset, but he says they quickly calmed down. Wow. A lot to unpack. But I was thrown for a bit of a loop. Not that he was seeing someone, but because it shot a big hole in my story that he has a problem with intimacy. That story preserved my self-esteem and fit with my mind-blowing sex with my new partner. “It wasn’t me.” But the evidence that he was dating made me sad. Why couldn’t he be attracted to ME? Why didn’t he want to have sex with ME? I’m smart. I’m pretty. I smell good. I really enjoy sex. WTF?! That clash between my story and reality stung. It hurt. But I strongly suspect that his new paramour will get the few months of love bombing and attention that I got in the beginning and then it will start to slip away. She’ll try anything to get the love back and if she sticks it out, in 12 years she’ll also be a spineless, helpless quivering shell of the woman she used to be. For her sake, for his sake, I hope I’m wrong. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Nov 10, 2019 14:53:39 GMT -5
Observation.
Your ex may well be capable of having sex.
It doesn't follow that he is capable of having intimacy.
They're not necessarily the same thing.
|
|
|
|
Post by sadkat on Nov 10, 2019 15:15:31 GMT -5
Observation. Your ex may well be capable of having sex. It doesn't follow that he is capable of having intimacy. They're not necessarily the same thing. - I agree completely! |
|
|
|
Post by elynne on Nov 10, 2019 15:16:47 GMT -5
Observation. Your ex may well be capable of having sex. It doesn't follow that he is capable of having intimacy. They're not necessarily the same thing. Thanks baza. I needed to hear that. And it truly sucked that it hurt when I heard that he was dating again. I have a new partner who is kind, generous, loving, thoughtful. He truly loves me. I’m happy. I should be happy for my ex. But I think you’re right, Baza, that he can have sex but he’s not capable of true intimacy. And that is what I have with my current partner. As much as I love our romps in the hay, it’s the warm, tender moments that I wouldn’t trade for the world. It’s how safe and warm I feel in his arms, waking up to find him smiling next to me, that he tells me with tears in his eyes how much better his life is with me in it. Sex is awesome. Good sex is incredible. But the tenderness and intimacy, that was what I really missed. If I had to choose - I’d choose intimacy and tenderness. I’d choose love over sex. And despite that moment of hurt finding out my refuser was dating- I’m still certain I made the right choice. I’m so much happier. |
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Nov 10, 2019 17:34:07 GMT -5
Elynne, like you said above, you made the correct choice for "YOU." What your XH does or doesn't do is up to him. As often quoted "you guys fired each other when you decided to divorce." Once fired in a work situation, not much is expected of the "fired person." Having the "I fired him/her mentality should help you with looking to the future and spending less time on the past.
What you and your new man do is what really counts. I wish you all the happiness possible.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Nov 10, 2019 19:58:02 GMT -5
Observation. Your ex may well be capable of having sex. It doesn't follow that he is capable of having intimacy. They're not necessarily the same thing. Well said baza@ as always! I just wanted to expound on something I made a point to do in many of my own posts, and responses to others. To put the words sex and intimacy together as often as possible. To drive home the point that sex has so much more to it in a relationship, that intimacy = trust= respect= communication. Especially in a marriage. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Nov 10, 2019 20:17:00 GMT -5
I have a new partner who is kind, generous, loving, thoughtful. He truly loves me. I’m happy. I should be happy for my ex. But I think you’re right, Baza, that he can have sex but he’s not capable of true intimacy. I've been with you since you first showed up here on ILIASM. Your story also reminds me of surfergirl story. Both of you had a living hell dealing with a full blown narcissist. I also read stories of others (on a website I see daily on facebook [Covert Narcissism Group] about living with/escaping from a narcissist) who tell their stories of being love bombed by a narc. How the sex was the best they ever had!....Then comes the discard and the turn around. How the narc can turn it off like a faucet. Meanwhile the narc either has no more sex and intimacy with you ,or anyone else,or are banging any living thing that comes their way! Your narc, has no consideration about your pain, emotions or feelings. They are incapable of it. Instead they only act on what is good for them. Taking down so many others in their path. Sadly it's all about using up their supply. Once you are no longer filling their supply, ( or realize the manipulation that you have endured and refuse to be a victim) it's on to the next poor "loving, caring, giving, victim". Count your blessings that you have learned to not be fooled or taken like this again. And that there are people out there who are capable of honest true intimacy! |
|
|
|
Post by flashjohn on Nov 12, 2019 12:16:10 GMT -5
I have no idea if my ExRefuser found anyone, and I really don't care. I do know that during mediation in August of 2018, she said she wanted to get back with me. At the time, we had been separated for 2.5 years.
Honestly, I really don't think she will ever find someone else. She is not flirty at all, and has no sex drive. When she was in her 20s, she was very attractive, but now, she is not. Also, since most men want to have sex, and she thinks any and all sex outside marriage is wrong, I really can't see a line of men trying to date her.
|
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Nov 20, 2019 16:54:01 GMT -5
I have no idea if my ExRefuser found anyone, and I really don't care... To reiterate to others who might wish to respond, this thread is for people who do have an idea, whether they care or not. I don't want to dissuade anyone from responding for fear of appearing too invested in the habits of their former partners. Even if they are, it is perfectly reasonable in many circumstances to feel such investment, particularly if you were trying to make it work. There are many ways such information can find its way back, even if it isn't sought out or is unwanted. especially for co-parents who still maintain contact. In my case, my P.A. spouse took several measures to ensure that I knew exactly what she was up to - to really rub my face in it. I was going to find out whether I wanted to or not. The purpose of the thread is to bring to light anecdotes to support or to test the most common assumption within the SM forum: that celibate spouses are generally intimacy-averse, rather than adapting their behavior normally to reflect the state of their feeling toward their partner or circumstance of the relationship. Solving for the wrong problem ends up with ineffective results, and may drag things out needlessly. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2019 18:16:07 GMT -5
Observation. Your ex may well be capable of having sex. It doesn't follow that he is capable of having intimacy. They're not necessarily the same thing. - I agree completely! Typical bait/switch behavior. He's behaving how he knows he needs to. |
|
|
|
Post by mypaintbrushes on Nov 29, 2019 17:33:06 GMT -5
My ex is dating the ex-wife of a friend of ours (longish story) and says their sex life is “good but lacks that little extra something”. That’s what happens when you divorce a kinky spouse and get a vanilla girlfriend, I guess. 🤷♀️
It took 15+ years for him to be on board with *some* kink but since shortly before we separated, he seemed to be embracing it ever so slightly. Unfortunately by then I’d given up.
|
|
|
|
Post by mypaintbrushes on Nov 29, 2019 17:36:19 GMT -5
Oh, and right around the time we separated I learned he’d been on dating sites almost all our marriage.
|
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Nov 30, 2019 3:14:27 GMT -5
Oh, and right around the time we separated I learned he’d been on dating sites almost all our marriage. And there it is. |
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Dec 1, 2019 14:24:52 GMT -5
Oh, and right around the time we separated I learned he’d been on dating sites almost all our marriage. Dayum! Wtf?! |
|
|
|
Post by surfergirl on Dec 29, 2019 1:54:52 GMT -5
My ex love-bombed his new woman. He spends every free moment with her.
I guess the Viagra is working. Wonder if she knows he likes his 350 pounds of blubber to be tied up spread eagle in chains.
Not my circus.
|
|
