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Post by Handy on May 10, 2021 20:25:00 GMT -5
Petrushka, I can understand why you sat on a decision for 6 years.
And thank you for not driving your car off a cliff.
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Post by njsojourner on May 10, 2021 21:12:59 GMT -5
If I had my druthers, I would stay in my marriage and have wild, rip-roaring sex again with my wife. But, alas, that is not in the cards. On the other hand, sex for me does not have to be connected to love. I know that sounds shallow to many but it the truth for me.
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Post by catlover on Jun 1, 2021 6:41:11 GMT -5
"If I had my druthers, I would stay in my marriage and have wild, rip-roaring sex again with my wife. But, alas, that is not in the cards"
Damn, that sounds like my state of mind. I am not so much 'choosing' to stay so much as forced by circumstance. From this day forward (actually yesterday) I am determined to try and make the best of it, give my wife the care she needs and get my doses of affection (OK, sex) elsewhere. Affection and maybe love might be asking a bit much, but so be it.
I do regret intensely though, the time I have wasted while spinning my wheels in my situation. I really wish sometimes I didn't love and care for her, but it is not in (or her - bad pun) me.
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Post by njsojourner on Aug 2, 2021 20:58:01 GMT -5
"If I had my druthers, I would stay in my marriage and have wild, rip-roaring sex again with my wife. But, alas, that is not in the cards"Damn, that sounds like my state of mind. I am not so much 'choosing' to stay so much as forced by circumstance. From this day forward (actually yesterday) I am determined to try and make the best of it, give my wife the care she needs and get my doses of affection (OK, sex) elsewhere. Affection and maybe love might be asking a bit much, but so be it. I do regret intensely though, the time I have wasted while spinning my wheels in my situation. I really wish sometimes I didn't love and care for her, but it is not in (or her - bad pun) me. I hear you! I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to get sexual intimacy with my wife. Years wasted. But ultimately I decided to save my sanity and get what I needed elsewhere. A good friend I shared this with has tried to get me to stop as he feels I am being disloyal and immoral. I have told him it works both ways—isn’t my wife being disloyal/immoral by breaking her vows with me too? Frankly I long ago stopped giving a shit. Go forth and get what you need or the bitterness will kill you. |
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Post by baza on Aug 3, 2021 1:38:20 GMT -5
"If I had my druthers, I would stay in my marriage and have wild, rip-roaring sex again with my wife. But, alas, that is not in the cards"Damn, that sounds like my state of mind. I am not so much 'choosing' to stay so much as forced by circumstance. From this day forward (actually yesterday) I am determined to try and make the best of it, give my wife the care she needs and get my doses of affection (OK, sex) elsewhere. Affection and maybe love might be asking a bit much, but so be it. I do regret intensely though, the time I have wasted while spinning my wheels in my situation. I really wish sometimes I didn't love and care for her, but it is not in (or her - bad pun) me. I hear you! I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to get sexual intimacy with my wife. Years wasted. But ultimately I decided to save my sanity and get what I needed elsewhere. A good friend I shared this with has tried to get me to stop as he feels I am being disloyal and immoral. I have told him it works both ways—isn’t my wife being disloyal/immoral by breaking her vows with me too? Frankly I long ago stopped giving a shit. Go forth and get what you need or the bitterness will kill you. Yep. You've got to go with options that ARE on the table. The option of "staying in my marriage and have wild, rip-roaring sex again with my wife" is not one of the choices on the table. Staying, and remaining celibate, IS one of the choices on the table. Leaving IS one of the choices on the table. Cheating IS also one of the choices on the table. The ILIASM conundrum is not a moral issue, it is a matter of choice. None of the choices (stay, leave or cheat) have any moral superiority over the other two. They are all perfectly legitimate choices. And they all involve their own up (and down) sides to them. Brother njsojourner , I think your 'good friend' has it badly wrong in framing his view from a 'moral' position. |
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Post by njsojourner on Aug 3, 2021 14:58:07 GMT -5
I totally agree. As I told my friend, walk in my shoes and then let me know what you think.
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Post by jerri on Aug 4, 2021 2:24:38 GMT -5
Too many people will disagree and think we should just grin and bear it.
Refusers made their choice to not have sex but we also should have a choice to be sexual beings. Not something you want but please don't feel so insecure that you must put me in a (self-imposed) chastity belt for safekeeping.
" To have to hold from this day forward" doesn't mean cut us off from sex and intimacy from this day forward. That is not very loving, in fact, it is cruel to do a bait and switch. Now we are married we don't get to "have and hold" we are supposed to hold our horses and go take a cold shower. My therapist said the "NO" always wins in a M. Ok, fine. but don't come crying when I said yes to sex for myself! If you are not the touchy-feely type then don't marry one!! But you married us and we can also choose intimacy, even if you don't want it. You be you, which is okay, and let me be me! I can only suppress my sexuality for so long until I feel caged. The thought of not ever having sex again just kept me in a dark depression. Meanwhile, my husband was happy to shag a mattress and I support masturbation I need to feel warm skin on me and hard breathing in my ear.
I am so with you!! I got to the point where I wasn't going to leave, he needed to leave me but I would be getting intimacy in the meantime. I was very kind and loving once I was getting sex again. it made it so easy to be extra loving to him. I was no longer screaming inside.
It's okay to cheat us out of sex but don't let me catch you cheating!! I am withholding food and don't let me catch you eating!!! I need sexual feeding!!
I thought his ex wife was a two timing witch for just walking out on her husband and never coming home again and making him file for divorce. haha
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Post by saarinista on Aug 4, 2021 11:49:34 GMT -5
I really don't care for the term "cheating" when we use it to apply to extramarital sex, but not to the way our spouses have "cheated" us in terms of failing to meet their explicit or at least implied promise to be sexually intimate with us after marriage.
Who is the true cheater, folks? I say they are.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Aug 4, 2021 15:33:48 GMT -5
I agree 100%. They are/were cheating us out of intimacy and physical release. What are we cheating them out of , nothing. Frankly they probably benefit from the denied partner asking for sex.
As for the original question does it help make it easier to deal with the "small stuff" I think it does definitely made me a more content person especially in the beginning. Fast forward years and I would get annoyed if he screwed up my plans lol. After awhile I got bitter about doing things in public with my roommate instead of my romantic partner.
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Post by jerri on Aug 6, 2021 19:20:37 GMT -5
My husband said I was cheating and my therapist said I wasn't cheating him out of any information and he had the information in front of him and what he chose to do with the information (that I would be stepping out for sex) was up to him. But at the same time she told me God would not want me to continue this. I told her I wasn't religious and I only prayed when others asked me to pray for them. She sent me mixed messages. But she at least championed my choices and would try to help me make decisions that didn't keep me under his finger.
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Post by saarinista on Aug 6, 2021 22:55:07 GMT -5
jerri Sounds like a "Christian counselor?" Yet another reason to find a secular one. I personally draw inspiration from the life of Christ but some Christians are too much for me.
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Post by jerri on Aug 7, 2021 2:59:31 GMT -5
She just probably mixed me up with another client. Or used it because I was having a challenge with guilt. It could also be a test? Who knows? I didn't stay long but probably should have, she had good assignments. My therapists were selected because they specialized insex therapy/trauma. For a while I thought he had sexual trauma and I didn't want to miss a beat. I gradually found out every little thing that contributed my my sexless M.
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 7, 2021 7:20:16 GMT -5
If I had my druthers, I would stay in my marriage and have wild, rip-roaring sex again with my wife. But, alas, that is not in the cards. On the other hand, sex for me does not have to be connected to love. I know that sounds shallow to many but it the truth for me. It doesn't sound shallow at all to me. I feel pretty much the same. I can enjoy sex and intimacy with a woman without having to feel the need for love. Closeness, pleasure given and received will do the job nicely for me. FULL DISCLOSURE; I am a tramp. |
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Post by njsojourner on Aug 7, 2021 14:24:34 GMT -5
Too many people will disagree and think we should just grin and bear it. Refusers made their choice to not have sex but we also should have a choice to be sexual beings. Not something you want but please don't feel so insecure that you must put me in a (self-imposed) chastity belt for safekeeping. " To have to hold from this day forward" doesn't mean cut us off from sex and intimacy from this day forward. That is not very loving, in fact, it is cruel to do a bait and switch. Now we are married we don't get to "have and hold" we are supposed to hold our horses and go take a cold shower. My therapist said the "NO" always wins in a M. Ok, fine. but don't come crying when I said yes to sex for myself! If you are not the touchy-feely type then don't marry one!! But you married us and we can also choose intimacy, even if you don't want it. You be you, which is okay, and let me be me! I can only suppress my sexuality for so long until I feel caged. The thought of not ever having sex again just kept me in a dark depression. Meanwhile, my husband was happy to shag a mattress and I support masturbation I need to feel warm skin on me and hard breathing in my ear. I am so with you!! I got to the point where I wasn't going to leave, he needed to leave me but I would be getting intimacy in the meantime. I was very kind and loving once I was getting sex again. it made it so easy to be extra loving to him. I was no longer screaming inside. It's okay to cheat us out of sex but don't let me catch you cheating!! I am withholding food and don't let me catch you eating!!! I need sexual feeding!! I thought his ex wife was a two timing witch for just walking out on her husband and never coming home again and making him file for divorce. haha |
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Post by njsojourner on Aug 7, 2021 14:29:11 GMT -5
Too many people will disagree and think we should just grin and bear it. Refusers made their choice to not have sex but we also should have a choice to be sexual beings. Not something you want but please don't feel so insecure that you must put me in a (self-imposed) chastity belt for safekeeping. " To have to hold from this day forward" doesn't mean cut us off from sex and intimacy from this day forward. That is not very loving, in fact, it is cruel to do a bait and switch. Now we are married we don't get to "have and hold" we are supposed to hold our horses and go take a cold shower. My therapist said the "NO" always wins in a M. Ok, fine. but don't come crying when I said yes to sex for myself! If you are not the touchy-feely type then don't marry one!! But you married us and we can also choose intimacy, even if you don't want it. You be you, which is okay, and let me be me! I can only suppress my sexuality for so long until I feel caged. The thought of not ever having sex again just kept me in a dark depression. Meanwhile, my husband was happy to shag a mattress and I support masturbation I need to feel warm skin on me and hard breathing in my ear. I am so with you!! I got to the point where I wasn't going to leave, he needed to leave me but I would be getting intimacy in the meantime. I was very kind and loving once I was getting sex again. it made it so easy to be extra loving to him. I was no longer screaming inside. It's okay to cheat us out of sex but don't let me catch you cheating!! I am withholding food and don't let me catch you eating!!! I need sexual feeding!! I thought his ex wife was a two timing witch for just walking out on her husband and never coming home again and making him file for divorce. haha A friend of mine was convinced that it was only husbands/men who ended in the sexual wasteland. When I told him he was so wrong he said prove it! So I did by telling him to look at this board and notice the posts are also from women. I told him if women weren’t in the same boat why would men like me/us be able to find play partners? Sometimes I wonder what goes through peoples minds! |
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