I've been examining this carefully lately. Not the surface reasons but the real core.
The reason I stay is that I don't think I'll find someone again. There, I said it. How about the rest of you? The one-short-sentence reason that you stay.
I went back to the start of this thread, trying to put current comments in perspective. I am always amazed at how fluid conversations are on this forum. To answer the original question I stay because I did the "sums" as baza calls them. The good things outweigh the bad and that is unlikely to change. Sure I get frustrated, yes I want more intimacy but there are also many things I want and do have because of my wife.
I compared my H to people at work, socially, and on the internet, and decided although a risk, it could get much worse and above all, my H seems well rounded, considering. I think I may just leave if the balance were to tip and stay in the danger zone for far too long. I also learned that I can't wait for him to change, and reciprocation of kindness is still alive and well. I can tick off many more positive boxes than I can draw red lines through.
I also can't forget therapists evaluations, and questionnaires although they just mostly put information out there and then I decided whether I was in a healthy relationship. ETA And l can't trust my own judgement at times! Hahaha But it was important to gather information with a therapist's guidance and it was nice to know what some thought
I firmly believe that the choice to get out of an ILIASM deal has to stand up all by itself, independent of other factors. And, if it doesn't (stand up all by itself) then it is probably not a good idea at this time.
I think it is important to ask yourself this question - "is it going to be in my longer term best interests to stay, or to go ?"
That is a really tough question to examine for us all.
What might be "easier"* in the short term may be completely at odds with your longer term best interests.
Sidebar re "easier"* There is very little in these situations that is "easy". I use the term in a relative sense.
I was actually thinking about this thread and realize it's such a complicated question. For some it might be a single big reason, but for me it is multi-faceted.
Initially I mentioned my reasons were being there for my kids and a fear of the unknown. I have two more reasons at my core:
1. The financial setback. In my current situation, I could probably stop the whole work thing and enjoy life at a fairly young age. If I pursue not staying, throw that out the window.
2. I have an irrational fear of making a change and then suddenly contracting some terminal illness and being alone. I realize this is irrational, but it's still real.
Among my reasons, I realize they have nothing to do with any feelings or connection with Mrs. Cincyguy. That right there is pretty telling.
Funnily enough the fear of a hypothetical oncological diagnosis was also a contributory factor in my assessment of the benefits of staying or leaving. I came to the opposite conclusion to you. I greatly feared being in that situation with an oblivious spouse unable to meet my needs. So, firmly in the “go” column of my tally of items. At least now I am out I have some possibility of the love and support I would need and expect in that situation, and not being wholly alone yet with the illusion of a marriage.
I am glad that you came to a different conclusion.
I believe my wife and her family would actually be very helpful and supportive in the case of a dire diagnosis. In your case isthisit , if you knew your spouse would be oblivious I can understand taking the opposite course. Sure, I could leave and eventually meet someone new who would be helpful and supportive as well. My fear is getting that diagnosis in between leaving and finding someone else. My logical brain realizes this is likely improbable, but my SM has made me a bit of a pessimist in life.
Last Edit: Nov 20, 2020 7:58:05 GMT -5 by cincyguy
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
jim44444: Happy Vernal Equinox. Go out and frolic.
Mar 20, 2021 19:16:35 GMT -5
worksforme2: Happy Vernal Equinox....Be fruitful and multiply...
Mar 21, 2021 5:18:36 GMT -5
petrushka: Just attended a lecture on local history. Apparently the Presbyterian Scottish refugees who settled here called a 'frolic', what the Amish would call a 'barn raising'. First a working bee, then dancing and feasting.
Mar 25, 2021 22:43:53 GMT -5
jerri: Pressing the like sign for all those comments.
Mar 26, 2021 15:04:52 GMT -5
worksforme2: Lucked onto a great new source for breaking news----The Babylon Bee
Mar 28, 2021 12:47:45 GMT -5
catlover: The resentment is running high today
Mar 28, 2021 18:39:08 GMT -5
mirrororchid: Sorry, dude. I think resentment has been the fuel for action in some SMs. It can be part of a process, eventually helpful.
Mar 30, 2021 4:43:40 GMT -5
Handy: I just read "The Babylon Bee" article "Blockage Cleared, Ships Moving At Record Speed As Chick-Fil-A Workers Put In Charge Of Suez Canal." Good humor.
Mar 30, 2021 16:49:51 GMT -5
worksforme2: Freezing temps in the morning for the next 3 days= no peaches in the fall for me unless I buy them,... 2 yrs in a row...growing my own fruit has proven to be a losing proposition
Apr 1, 2021 16:32:30 GMT -5
Handy: Meet the Feebles=weird!
Apr 1, 2021 18:22:06 GMT -5
jerri: Lots of interesting comments. I am way behind. Sending hugs and a kiss on the cheek💋
Apr 8, 2021 0:11:19 GMT -5
roy: Hi All, I just joined, at 77. I've been in a sexless marriage for too many years ...
Apr 9, 2021 15:26:32 GMT -5
petrushka: G'day Roy, welcome to the place most of us don't want to be. I am sure you will find lots of interesting personal stories and comments and reactions on the forum. Don't be shy about jumping in to talks ...
Apr 9, 2021 15:47:25 GMT -5