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Post by jerri on Nov 12, 2020 15:05:26 GMT -5
I always wondered how many people in sexless marriages committed suicide.
Here's a sample of her work although I wished John Gottman's book was around when I was actively tearing down my relationship, which is a normal response in the sexless marrige. I have been reading it off and on. The questionnaires give me lots of ideas to liven up my marriage. I hope l can find a positive forum to guide me to their club. I do know if I don't actively work on my relationship skills it starts to faulter.
I do understand your plight and would agree that if anything in a book doesn't help your marrige stop doing those things.
At one point, I thought it would be very helpful to bring in a few of her techniques and talk about one each week. But I liked reading Gottman's books and getting ideas and best of all, affirmations on what I need to continue doing.
I wish I could have watched this video, with my dear husband in a therapist's office and talked about it.
A lot of people in here like Dr. Gottman's work
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timedelay
Full Member
Posts: 153
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by timedelay on Nov 12, 2020 16:14:30 GMT -5
Timedelay, my condolences about losing a friend to suicide. My take on MWD's books is they give people hope things will improve if they follow the semi-outlined advice written in the books. That hope is a staying drug we called "Hopum" it can be addictive like opium until you determine like other drugs, it is only hurting you. I have most of the MWD books and participated on her forum for 5+ years along with a large group of other people. There was some re-set sex but eventually most people either dropped out of the forum or got divorce. I have 20+ relationship books and other than giving advice about setting boundaries and cleaning up my side of the street, the books didn't improve the sexual part of my marriage. Thank you Handy ❤️ I found that so interesting to read you took part in the MWD forum and have most of her books too. It's good to hear your opinion of them. The 'hopum' is real. We could probably make some money by selling all the stuff we've bought over the years in pursuit of solutions! It speaks volumes about the kind of husband you've tried to be though, putting in so much effort to improve your marriage. Sending you massive hugs; you deserve them. |
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Post by isthisit on Nov 12, 2020 16:30:35 GMT -5
Timedelay, my condolences about losing a friend to suicide. My take on MWD's books is they give people hope things will improve if they follow the semi-outlined advice written in the books. That hope is a staying drug we called "Hopum" it can be addictive like opium until you determine like other drugs, it is only hurting you. I have most of the MWD books and participated on her forum for 5+ years along with a large group of other people. There was some re-set sex but eventually most people either dropped out of the forum or got divorce. I have 20+ relationship books and other than giving advice about setting boundaries and cleaning up my side of the street, the books didn't improve the sexual part of my marriage. Thank you Handy ❤️ I found that so interesting to read you took part in the MWD forum and have most of her books too. It's good to hear your opinion of them. The 'hopum' is real. We could probably make some money by selling all the stuff we've bought over the years in pursuit of solutions! It speaks volumes about the kind of husband you've tried to be though, putting in so much effort to improve your marriage. Sending you massive hugs; you deserve them. Yes! I am often struck by similar thoughts reading threads here. The time, effort and energy many of us have invested in our marriages is not to be underestimated. There is evidence of a great deal of soul searching and self examination/improvement to further invest to achieve the contentedness we all crave. Whatever the end outcome of leaving, outsourcing, staying with acrimony or staying with acceptance we are all really good people with integrity to spare. I am not sure we recognise that enough. |
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Post by jerri on Nov 12, 2020 17:29:01 GMT -5
I learned a lot from Handy about relationships in other groups about five years ago. I was on a mission to find him again only to find out his marrige was still sour. Sweet to see him,sad to see his relationship wither. I wondered if his W wasn't narcissistic
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Post by Handy on Nov 12, 2020 18:55:23 GMT -5
Jerri
I wondered if his W wasn't narcissistic.
I don't have a degree with my name or a DSM that qualifies me to make a diagnosis. I do know she likes to shop on those TV shopping channels and gets several shopping catalogs in the mail (if I get them from the mail box first, they go straight into the trash).
Jerri, I stick up for myself more than I did 5 years ago. That might not be much of an improvement but it is an improvement.
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Post by flyingsolo on Nov 12, 2020 21:18:17 GMT -5
If you are a Gottman fan, they have an email that they mail out every week or so that I've found helpful as it has a lot of good tips in it. It's always very short (usually a few paragraphs), but helpful. Here's the latest as an example:
Update your Love Maps
Building Love Maps is how you know your partner’s inner world, and just like literal road maps, they need updates as things change.
Your partner’s tastes, feelings, and preferences evolve over time. Whether it’s as simple as the way they take their coffee or as complex as desiring a career change, a Love Map rarely stays stagnant.
Take time today to check in with your partner. Before you presume any long-standing preference they have, ask. You can also talk to them about the changing feelings that you experience.
Keeping your Love Maps updated helps you stay attuned to your partner’s truest self and strengthens your relationship from the inside out.
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Post by jerri on Nov 13, 2020 2:29:36 GMT -5
Just what I needed, flyingsolo !!! <Snoopy dancing> who loves you, baby?!? I don't know if I can get in, but I joined a therapists Gottman group. I would love to see the scenarios brought in by clients and I will go to the G institute or blog and put in my email. I got in one of the groups and took a questionnaire.  for some of the answers it gives explanations with videos. |
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Post by jerri on Nov 13, 2020 2:35:00 GMT -5
Jerri
I wondered if his W wasn't narcissistic.I don't have a degree with my name or a DSM that qualifies me to make a diagnosis. I do know she likes to shop on those TV shopping channels and gets several shopping catalogs in the mail (if I get them from the mail box first, they go straight into the trash). Jerri, I stick up for myself more than I did 5 years ago. That might not be much of an improvement but it is an improvement. Right and I noticed from all your posts that you use the word no more often!👏👏👏👏 |
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timedelay
Full Member
Posts: 153
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by timedelay on Nov 13, 2020 5:56:17 GMT -5
Thank you Handy ❤️ I found that so interesting to read you took part in the MWD forum and have most of her books too. It's good to hear your opinion of them. The 'hopum' is real. We could probably make some money by selling all the stuff we've bought over the years in pursuit of solutions! It speaks volumes about the kind of husband you've tried to be though, putting in so much effort to improve your marriage. Sending you massive hugs; you deserve them. Yes! I am often struck by similar thoughts reading threads here. The time, effort and energy many of us have invested in our marriages is not to be underestimated. There is evidence of a great deal of soul searching and self examination/improvement to further invest to achieve the contentedness we all crave. Whatever the end outcome of leaving, outsourcing, staying with acrimony or staying with acceptance we are all really good people with integrity to spare. I am not sure we recognise that enough. Well said isthisit. Since putting myself back into the dating arena, challenging and all as that's been, I find people now tell me what a great person I am, how they love my company and they seem to take pleasure in watching me thrive and grow in confidence. It's done my heart so much good to feel 'seen' and appreciated. It's not all about getting sex again. I smiled at your own description on another thread about people thinking you're 'the cat's pyjamas'. 🙂 How crazy is it that people like us are surprised at being admired? You're spot on, we don't recognise our worth enough. This is what I think about when someone on iliasm is having a bad day or when they fear taking a chance at freedom/happiness for themselves. You deserve happiness! You deserve love! Don't let your SM deal convince you of anything less. Circling right back to the topic of this thread: WHY do you stay and more importantly why do you continue to deny yourself the happiness you deserve? Whatever that happiness looks like for you. |
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Post by jim44444 on Nov 16, 2020 21:35:59 GMT -5
I've been examining this carefully lately. Not the surface reasons but the real core. The reason I stay is that I don't think I'll find someone again. There, I said it. How about the rest of you? The one-short-sentence reason that you stay. I went back to the start of this thread, trying to put current comments in perspective. I am always amazed at how fluid conversations are on this forum. To answer the original question I stay because I did the "sums" as baza calls them. The good things outweigh the bad and that is unlikely to change. Sure I get frustrated, yes I want more intimacy but there are also many things I want and do have because of my wife. |
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Post by jerri on Nov 17, 2020 13:39:40 GMT -5
I've been examining this carefully lately. Not the surface reasons but the real core. The reason I stay is that I don't think I'll find someone again. There, I said it. How about the rest of you? The one-short-sentence reason that you stay. I went back to the start of this thread, trying to put current comments in perspective. I am always amazed at how fluid conversations are on this forum.
To answer the original question I stay because I did the "sums" as baza calls them. The good things outweigh the bad and that is unlikely to change. Sure I get frustrated, yes I want more intimacy but there are also many things I want and do have because of my wife. I compared my H to people at work, socially, and on the internet, and decided although a risk, it could get much worse and above all, my H seems well rounded, considering. I think I may just leave if the balance were to tip and stay in the danger zone for far too long. I also learned that I can't wait for him to change, and reciprocation of kindness is still alive and well. I can tick off many more positive boxes than I can draw red lines through. I also can't forget therapists evaluations, and questionnaires although they just mostly put information out there and then I decided whether I was in a healthy relationship. ETA And l can't trust my own judgement at times! Hahaha But it was important to gather information with a therapist's guidance and it was nice to know what some thought |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2020 22:46:27 GMT -5
I was actually thinking about this thread and realize it's such a complicated question. For some it might be a single big reason, but for me it is multi-faceted.
Initially I mentioned my reasons were being there for my kids and a fear of the unknown. I have two more reasons at my core:
1. The financial setback. In my current situation, I could probably stop the whole work thing and enjoy life at a fairly young age. If I pursue not staying, throw that out the window.
2. I have an irrational fear of making a change and then suddenly contracting some terminal illness and being alone. I realize this is irrational, but it's still real.
Among my reasons, I realize they have nothing to do with any feelings or connection with Mrs. Cincyguy. That right there is pretty telling.
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Post by baza on Nov 17, 2020 23:56:57 GMT -5
I firmly believe that the choice to get out of an ILIASM deal has to stand up all by itself, independent of other factors.
And, if it doesn't (stand up all by itself) then it is probably not a good idea at this time.
I think it is important to ask yourself this question - "is it going to be in my longer term best interests to stay, or to go ?"
That is a really tough question to examine for us all.
What might be "easier"* in the short term may be completely at odds with your longer term best interests.
Sidebar re "easier"*
There is very little in these situations that is "easy".
I use the term in a relative sense.
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Post by isthisit on Nov 18, 2020 17:29:20 GMT -5
I was actually thinking about this thread and realize it's such a complicated question. For some it might be a single big reason, but for me it is multi-faceted. Initially I mentioned my reasons were being there for my kids and a fear of the unknown. I have two more reasons at my core: 1. The financial setback. In my current situation, I could probably stop the whole work thing and enjoy life at a fairly young age. If I pursue not staying, throw that out the window. 2. I have an irrational fear of making a change and then suddenly contracting some terminal illness and being alone. I realize this is irrational, but it's still real. Among my reasons, I realize they have nothing to do with any feelings or connection with Mrs. Cincyguy. That right there is pretty telling. Funnily enough the fear of a hypothetical oncological diagnosis was also a contributory factor in my assessment of the benefits of staying or leaving. I came to the opposite conclusion to you. I greatly feared being in that situation with an oblivious spouse unable to meet my needs. So, firmly in the “go” column of my tally of items. At least now I am out I have some possibility of the love and support I would need and expect in that situation, and not being wholly alone yet with the illusion of a marriage. I am glad that you came to a different conclusion. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2020 7:57:28 GMT -5
I believe my wife and her family would actually be very helpful and supportive in the case of a dire diagnosis. In your case isthisit , if you knew your spouse would be oblivious I can understand taking the opposite course. Sure, I could leave and eventually meet someone new who would be helpful and supportive as well. My fear is getting that diagnosis in between leaving and finding someone else. My logical brain realizes this is likely improbable, but my SM has made me a bit of a pessimist in life. |
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for some of the answers it gives explanations with videos. 
