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Post by baza on Aug 29, 2020 22:36:53 GMT -5
Today I do not know why. I ricked my back and had to rest all day. The worst case of passive aggressive ever. Meals were prepared with clatter and scowls, "I suppose you want me to make you another coffee", everything was effort and my fault. This morning she refuses to get dressed and had a stomach ache, chores are either not to be done or my back is tested. If you truly want to get through this situation, I would suggest 2 things. 1 - Accept and own the fact that - for whatever reason you like - you are staying of your own free will and choice. 2 - Stop taking your missus' inventory. It is a completely pointless passtime and achieves nothing. It's not her *fault* that you stay. You're staying - and that's a perfectly valid choice. Own it. |
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timedelay
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Age Range: 46-50
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Post by timedelay on Oct 19, 2020 16:00:23 GMT -5
Hello lovely people. I've been gone for a whole year and much has happened in that time but I've kept thinking about so many people here who gave me sound advice and those who helped give me the push to "sort my own shit out", as Baza puts it. In fact it was you baza who commented on my situtaion with a simple good luck that made me think 'holy crap, this is so bad even baza doesn't know what to tell me'. Believe it or not, that helped propel me to take action and set me on a course I can live with, at last.
Anyway, I wanted to drop back in and give an update to anyone who might remember my brief visit with you all. This thread seems like as good a place as any to add the latest chapter of my story because I am still married and still choosing to stay.
I have had some adventures in the last 12 months and even had sex for the first time in, what, 10 years? Alongside exploring spaces like Ashley Madison, Fetlife and then the online dating scene (eeesh...the worst of all imo) I finally landed in the polyamory community and met some pretty great people. My husband told me to find what I needed elsewhere and so, I did. Our (platonic) relationship has improved a lot and while I still have sad days when I mourn the marriage I can never have, I am in a much happier place than I was a year ago.
If y'all don't mind I'm going to mooch about the site and see what the craic is these days. I hope that you are all staying safe out there and remembering to care for yourselves. |
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Post by baza on Oct 19, 2020 17:09:09 GMT -5
Quoting you here Sister timedelay - "I am in a much happier place than I was a year ago" I reckon that's a big tick in the "win" column. Taking ownership of ones ILIASM situation and sorting out ones' own shit does tend to result in a level of serenity. It is hard and confronting work, but oh so worth it. It is going to be great to see where you are in your journey in another 12 months. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 19, 2020 18:27:11 GMT -5
I have had some adventures in the last 12 months and even had sex for the first time in, what, 10 years? Alongside exploring spaces like Ashley Madison, Fetlife and then the online dating scene (eeesh...the worst of all imo) I finally landed in the polyamory community and met some pretty great people. My husband told me to find what I needed elsewhere and so, I did. Our (platonic) relationship has improved a lot and while I still have sad days when I mourn the marriage I can never have, I am in a much happier place than I was a year ago.
It's nice to se you again and good to hear you are in a better place now. I am slowly getting used to the idea that perhaps men are more open minded or accepting of the idea their spouses should be allowed to seek out physical intimacy elsewhere when that intimacy is no longer present in the relationship. A spouse that is accepting of outsourcing speaks well on his/her valuation of the marriage. I'm happy for you. If my X would have been willing to accept this approach I might also be posting from the "staying" theme. |
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Post by jerri on Oct 20, 2020 1:18:03 GMT -5
Hello lovely people. I've been gone for a whole year and much has happened in that time but I've kept thinking about so many people here who gave me sound advice and those who helped give me the push to "sort my own shit out", as Baza puts it. In fact it was you baza who commented on my situtaion with a simple good luck that made me think 'holy crap, this is so bad even baza doesn't know what to tell me'. Believe it or not, that helped propel me to take action and set me on a course I can live with, at last.
Anyway, I wanted to drop back in and give an update to anyone who might remember my brief visit with you all. This thread seems like as good a place as any to add the latest chapter of my story because I am still married and still choosing to stay.
I have had some adventures in the last 12 months and even had sex for the first time in, what, 10 years? Alongside exploring spaces like Ashley Madison, Fetlife and then the online dating scene (eeesh...the worst of all imo) I finally landed in the polyamory community and met some pretty great people. My husband told me to find what I needed elsewhere and so, I did. Our (platonic) relationship has improved a lot and while I still have sad days when I mourn the marriage I can never have, I am in a much happier place than I was a year ago.
If y'all don't mind I'm going to mooch about the site and see what the craic is these days. I hope that you are all staying safe out there and remembering to care for yourselves. My story parallels your story at times. I was filled with anxiety after informing my DH that I needed sex and would be stepping out for sex. His morning smile melted. fast forward...after being on FetLife it woke up my libido. Intenet forum was going to be my surrogate sex. I went back on FetLife and they attacked me until the thread got deleted. I told them what had happened when I informed my H that I would be stepping out for sex. A man took me into a philandering forum and they were more sympathetic, especially because a great number were sexless. Then I used the book More Than Two, to open the marrige properly. Fforward again, I have been doing it for almost a decade. A sexless FWB travels to my city and my mentor challenged me to find a man on Ashley Madison then told me to drop several of the men because they basically turned out to be more of a pen pal. One was traveling Europe and would not be back doe several months. Anyway, my mentor told me to find a man, meet him in person within a week if not, drop them and fo with the next man. I was so nervous and mad at my H. But later very excited that I had gotten 83 replies within several hours. My mentor told me to drop any of them who did not say something about my profile and did not tell me about themselves. Then I settled on one man who could meet me once a week. So my new goal was to get sex by Christmas. My mentor told me I am giving you a week to have sex with him after I told him I usually wait 3 months to have sex and I didn't know how I was going to so it. I dearly love my H and I love Sexless married man as well. We both as a couple worked on our marriages and it paid off for all of us. I'm happy you have done well.  |
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Post by csl on Oct 20, 2020 8:18:10 GMT -5
"Mentor"? Is that a euphemism for something else?
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Post by Handy on Oct 20, 2020 8:53:34 GMT -5
Jerri
Then I settled on one man who could meet me once a week....
SWEET!
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Post by jerri on Oct 20, 2020 21:01:30 GMT -5
"Mentor"? Is that a euphemism for something else? I had two mentors, one man was sexless and one man had a wife that was terminally ill with cancer and she didn't want him to go without sex and even participated in finding him a partner. She was amazing. |
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timedelay
Full Member
Posts: 153
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by timedelay on Oct 21, 2020 5:51:40 GMT -5
Quoting you here Sister timedelay - "I am in a much happier place than I was a year ago" I reckon that's a big tick in the "win" column. Taking ownership of ones ILIASM situation and sorting out ones' own shit does tend to result in a level of serenity. It is hard and confronting work, but oh so worth it. It is going to be great to see where you are in your journey in another 12 months. Oh my gawd yes, it was HARD WORK to take a brutally honest appraisal of myself and my marriage and my whole life really. The keyword is 'brutal' and it has been that for sure. Yet, I agree it is worth it because living the way I was, half dead inside, is not a life I would want for someone I love. I used to hear that advice about loving ourselves but tbh was not able to really understand what that meant in the context of my own life. I still have a long way to go but it feels so good to actually WANT to get there.
I'm looking forward to seeing what the next 12 months bring, thanks baza :-)
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timedelay
Full Member
Posts: 153
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by timedelay on Oct 21, 2020 6:10:18 GMT -5
I have had some adventures in the last 12 months and even had sex for the first time in, what, 10 years? Alongside exploring spaces like Ashley Madison, Fetlife and then the online dating scene (eeesh...the worst of all imo) I finally landed in the polyamory community and met some pretty great people. My husband told me to find what I needed elsewhere and so, I did. Our (platonic) relationship has improved a lot and while I still have sad days when I mourn the marriage I can never have, I am in a much happier place than I was a year ago.
It's nice to se you again and good to hear you are in a better place now. I am slowly getting used to the idea that perhaps men are more open minded or accepting of the idea their spouses should be allowed to seek out physical intimacy elsewhere when that intimacy is no longer present in the relationship. A spouse that is accepting of outsourcing speaks well on his/her valuation of the marriage. I'm happy for you. If my X would have been willing to accept this approach I might also be posting from the "staying" theme. Thanks, I hope life is treating you okay?
I can only speak for my situation but would be curious to see proper research done in this area. In our case, my husband only wants friendship from me and was feeling so guilty over my unhappiness that his primary response to me finding a lover was relief. That was his initial reaction when I started seeing a Fet mentor and during our most recent check-in talk he expressed the relief as being his over riding feeling still. I'm not sure if this makes a difference but in our case, there was never a great sex life. He was never interested in that and made himself take part because he felt obligated to. He would never have told me the truth if I hadn't pushed for it and threatened to leave. He wants me here for companionship and support and co-parenting and the odd hug. I'm thinking that because he never had sexual desire for me he doesn't feel as threatened now as a spouse who once did have that intimacy?
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timedelay
Full Member
Posts: 153
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by timedelay on Oct 21, 2020 6:32:01 GMT -5
My story parallels your story at times. I was filled with anxiety after informing my DH that I needed sex and would be stepping out for sex. His morning smile melted. fast forward...after being on FetLife it woke up my libido. Intenet forum was going to be my surrogate sex. I went back on FetLife and they attacked me until the thread got deleted. I told them what had happened when I informed my H that I would be stepping out for sex. A man took me into a philandering forum and they were more sympathetic, especially because a great number were sexless. Then I used the book More Than Two, to open the marrige properly. Fforward again, I have been doing it for almost a decade. A sexless FWB travels to my city and my mentor challenged me to find a man on Ashley Madison then told me to drop several of the men because they basically turned out to be more of a pen pal. One was traveling Europe and would not be back doe several months. Anyway, my mentor told me to find a man, meet him in person within a week if not, drop them and fo with the next man. I was so nervous and mad at my H. But later very excited that I had gotten 83 replies within several hours. My mentor told me to drop any of them who did not say something about my profile and did not tell me about themselves. Then I settled on one man who could meet me once a week. So my new goal was to get sex by Christmas. My mentor told me I am giving you a week to have sex with him after I told him I usually wait 3 months to have sex and I didn't know how I was going to so it. I dearly love my H and I love Sexless married man as well. We both as a couple worked on our marriages and it paid off for all of us. I'm happy you have done well. Hi there, it's good to hear I'm not the only one living this unconventional way (except of course, I'm not happy you went through a painful time too). We seem to have followed a similar path indeed :-)
It was thanks to lovely ironhamster on here that I 'discovered' the potential in fet and that was definitely the best thing I did after dabbling in AM. I found FET to be a safe space for exploring and rebuilding my long lost body confidence. I live in a smaller part of the world so there's not as much choice here but still, I found some good people on fet who have helped me in so many ways. Like you, I found a mentor who knew exactly what I needed to do and had an almost uncanny sense of the pace I needed to move at. He is an incredible man and was pretty much the ideal mentor for me a year ago. He also sent me off back out into the world once he had shared all he could and I will forever be grateful to him for that.
My relationship with my husband has been repaired through me finding the romantic/sexual love I need elsewhere. I never stopped loving my H but notice a definite shift lately in how I feel; the longing for more has eased off and I can see our friendship deepen as a result. Is your marraige a platonic one only? I'd love to hear more of your story if you're comfortable sharing.
I smiled when I read that bit about waiting for three months!  |
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Post by vickie on Oct 21, 2020 16:50:05 GMT -5
One reason why I stay is because I love my husband. I am afraid that my love for him will die eventually.
The 2nd reason is I have already been through 1 divorce. First husband was physically,mentally abusive & cheated on me. I was married to him for 16yrs. I finally was able to escape.
3rd is dating is messy. You don't know who is serious about wanting a relationship or a one night stand. Plus I had one experience that I care not to repeat while I was dating.
I just don't want to go through all that again. If something happens to this marriage. I think I will throw in the towel & live by myself with my daughters.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2020 21:16:42 GMT -5
One reason why I stay is because I love my husband. I am afraid that my love for him will die eventually. The 2nd reason is I have already been through 1 divorce. First husband was physically,mentally abusive & cheated on me. I was married to him for 16yrs. I finally was able to escape. 3rd is dating is messy. You don't know who is serious about wanting a relationship or a one night stand. Plus I had one experience that I care not to repeat while I was dating. I just don't want to go through all that again. If something happens to this marriage. I think I will throw in the towel & live by myself with my daughters.
Agree on the dating. I know there are resources out there but I feel so out of practice that the prospect of dating in the future seems daunting - especially carrying the emotional scars of a failing marriage.
However, hopefully you don't throw in the towel completely...we only get one life and everyone deserves to be loved the way he or she needs to be loved.
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Post by isthisit on Oct 27, 2020 3:05:48 GMT -5
One reason why I stay is because I love my husband. I am afraid that my love for him will die eventually. The 2nd reason is I have already been through 1 divorce. First husband was physically,mentally abusive & cheated on me. I was married to him for 16yrs. I finally was able to escape. 3rd is dating is messy. You don't know who is serious about wanting a relationship or a one night stand. Plus I had one experience that I care not to repeat while I was dating. I just don't want to go through all that again. If something happens to this marriage. I think I will throw in the towel & live by myself with my daughters.
Agree on the dating. I know there are resources out there but I feel so out of practice that the prospect of dating in the future seems daunting - especially carrying the emotional scars of a failing marriage.
However, hopefully you don't throw in the towel completely...we only get one life and everyone deserves to be loved the way he or she needs to be loved.
I wouldn’t allow hypothetical dating concerns to feel daunting. Wanting & needing to get out of your marriage and finding someone more compatible with you are separate issues. I am ahead of you a little. I am about a million miles away from the rigours of the on-line dating world, so assumed just being free of a marriage which was draining my soul would have to be enough. I was a bit amazed to find that once in a while I establish a connection with men who seem to think I’m the cat’s pyjamas. I have no doubt the same will happen to you. An SM really does a number on your self esteem. Whether overall you would be better in or out is your call. I just wanted to caution against an assumption of isolation and loneliness as a singleton informing your decision. Mind you, you probably feel isolated and lonely right now anyway. I certainly did. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 27, 2020 10:18:44 GMT -5
Whether or not you stay in your marriage it is especially important for women to develop friendships and activities that they enjoy without their husbands. Most women outlive their husbands by many years. If yours is all you rely on for friendship and entertainment your last years likely will be lonely and isolated.
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