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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 14, 2020 16:31:01 GMT -5
I had not even thought of my wedding anniversary until reading this. I don't know if I'll ever forget that day, but you can damn sure bet I'm trying to. Yea...My ex had the idea of having our 'special event- wedding, marriage proposal, the first night we met' on holidays. Not a bad idea, it certainly gave us an extra vacation day,and helped me to remember the 'special day'. Only now, those events aren't 'all that special'. You and I, and a few others on here will do much better to do as much 'detachment/parallel parenting/distancing' as possible. When I read "The Four Horseman". I think of all the criticism. Subtle criticism. Stonewalling- her exact words " I detached myself from you, years ago"... Years of 'conditioning/grooming' to make me believe (and my children) that dad will never be good enough,smart enough, talented enough, worthy enough, spiritual enough, attractive enough, etc.... So much of that has changed, due to self healing, actions and words from others and how I live today and think of myself, and also what's best for me,instead of being 'last on the list'. |
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 14, 2020 16:56:19 GMT -5
The four horsemen...
"In relationship terms, The Four Horsemen are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling. Let's look at each of these and what you can do about them. Criticism refers to attacking or putting down your partner's personality or character rather than his or her behaviour itself..."
Live and learn. I'm most frustrated with myself for remaining determined for so long. Once I gave up I felt a lot better.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 14, 2020 19:35:50 GMT -5
Live and learn. I'm most frustrated with myself for remaining determined for so long. Once I gave up I felt a lot better. True!! Still living and learning (with boundaries) As we've discussed on here before...Our 'determination' took several tipping points for us to give up on a false hope, (wedding vows) and feel a lot better with a new beginning and a better understanding of self value .And giving our trust out ,without feeling 'guilty' of expecting to receive the same in return! I now have a new anniversary- My woman and I celebrate our anniversary, going back to our first date! I also have my divorce anniversary. The day I walked out of the courtroom and into the parking lot....finally divorced! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 6, 2021 13:38:33 GMT -5
Yesterday was my wedding anniversary to my ex. It would have been 29 yrs. We stayed married for 25 yrs. The good news Is it came and went without me even remembering it!
YES I'm guilty of forgetting anniversaries! ...but I normally do okay at remembering them. It took hearing the words "Sept. 5th" on the radio for me to think " Hmm... I remember that date? Is that a birthday?. No... the birthday is on the 18th. It's not 9/11 yet? Then it occurred to me... Our wedding date.. planned on a 'holiday' like a lot of things so I/we could remember it and have time off from school and work.
The best part is that I spent the day at the nude beach with my woman, came home to hours of great sex, and ordered dinner to go, and went to bed early!!!
The detachment is working well.
Here's to new beginnings!
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 27, 2022 10:10:15 GMT -5
My woman and I are no longer together after 3 wonderful years! (short version- it's hard to be short, there are thousands of thoughts and  ??) She ghosted me. Took her things,blocked me from her phone and did not come home. Called my son and told him " I'm staying at a friends house (in another town.She told me she had no friends) I went out with another guy on a date. He seems nice." Sadly this is not new. (not the other guy part, but the leaving) After the first year she went back to her place for a few days . With no warning, just packed her few things and left while I was at work.( Her place is a one bedroom apt, in a house owned by an elderly couple) then came back and basically apologized. ( never got much of an explanation) Another year goes by, all is well. Going on our 2nd year, She ups and bolts again! This all seems to happen after Christmas time. Again, this only lasted a few days, she apologizes claims she acted emotional. Says she doesn't know why she acts that way.( Stayed locked in her room and cried about it) Says she really , really wants to be with me! This time ( 2nd time) ,I asked her daily, for about a month, " are you coming home tonight?". I told her how painful it was, how it shreds her cred, and ruins trust. Another year of being together goes by, all seems well , we seem to be chugging along nicely. Out of nowhere, it happens again! (3rd time in 3 years) This was on Jan. 4th 2022. We talked it out. (mostly me, explaining to her, proving to her, that I do listen to her for hours, daily, I do many things her way, because that's what she says she wants. She also blamed some of it on her starting menopause) She told me things like " you're right, I really need to work on that! I love you so much, I want to be with you. I missed you, you're very special to me." Boy was she horny! I have to wonder if that's what she liked about me the most? (never thought THAT would be my problem LOL!) I would leave her breathless, gasping for air. She would say" WOW you are amazing, that's wonderful". WE fulfilled each other in every way imaginable. Short of swinging, couples or threesomes, just the two of us. So many things that neither one of us had experienced before. I had more sex and experiences with her in our first month together than my whole life combined! We stayed together for 8 days and she left again! ( 4th time) I've been without her for a week now. I hesitated to share this on this forum. You see, it's so different. We had awesome sex ,constantly, daily, up until the last minute! ( often 4 times a day) You know how people come on here and say " our marriage is great, except the sex". Then, shortly they have more to say about how things aren't so great! I really wish I could tell you more of "her side of things" but she leaves me baffled?!! She's not a very good communicator. Very inconsistent. Many times I found myself trying to speak for her, and her answering" yes, that's it". She has deeper issues ,that I can't fix. The very few times she would express any dissatisfaction , it would be to someone else or in a goodbye text, the most she would say is " I'm not happy". That is far to ...generic? open? widespread? ( can't think of the right word - -vague maybe?) I did tell her " you need to find a better word, happy, is a short, fleeting emotion, many little things that come and go that make us happy. "
I also don't think she fully comprehends the devastating effects of her bolting! To me it said " I'm done with you, you mean nothing to me, It was all a lie, I can easily just go right on with my life,it doesn't bother me". I think she wants new and shiny again. While I had reached the stage of peace and fulfillment, openness,and joy with knowing that she was with me. I'll be grieving for a while and slowly looking for a new beginning. I may talk about it more, it's good for me to journal these things. Hopefully me sharing this is useful for others. |
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Post by tamara68 on Jan 27, 2022 13:30:33 GMT -5
greatcoastal I am very sorry for you. We all have some damage. And the only thing we can do is try to fix ourselves as far as possible. You can not fix her. Or anyone else. You did your part. She did her's. I hope the pain will become easier for you and that the good memories will stay.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 27, 2022 14:09:29 GMT -5
greatcoastal I am very sorry for you. We all have some damage. And the only thing we can do is try to fix ourselves as far as possible. You can not fix her. Or anyone else. You did your part. She did her's. I hope the pain will become easier for you and that the good memories will stay. Thank you friend!! Most of the bad , I experienced ,I would just call "yellow flags" (maybe I just wanted to believe that) I do remember the good memories. Did you know that I mow 10 lawns every Saturday? Guess who came with me and would do the edging, weed whacking and blowing? Cutting our time in half! (I offered her the ride on owner countless times, she was too afraid to learn how to use it) I would stop mowing, come up to her like I needed to ask her something and embrace and kiss her,wherever we where! Even better was coming home and getting cleaned up together!  My customers liked talking with her too! I'm left with two night stand drawers full of sex toys, and a years supply of lube! LOL! My use of porn dwindles when I was with her. I used it as a reference on how to do more 'things' with her. And, occasionally get me right on the edge, fired up, ready, when she would come home!! I don't want to sound like that was all she was to me... far from it. But this is the SM forum! "We all have some damage" How true, and I was ready to accept the good with the bad. I remember several evenings, her sitting on the corner of the couch, by the end table with the light on, me in my recliner by the end table, our feet touching. I would read on my computer, she would read, on hers, watch old movies, or look at the same old magazines. I would look over at her,frequently, and think "I love having her with me. I feel safe, secure, cozy, intimate,content, relaxed,complete, stress free...happy!" She would often begin to fall asleep. We would go to bed around 9 oclock. She would be fully awake in the bed and aggressive. Same thing in the morning (sex). So, I look back and wonder if me on my computer, reading and sharing things with her ( videos from facebook of animals, funny things, people being rescued, etc..) was boring to her. WE had this conversation the last time " what else do you want to do?" She can't come up with anything. Most of that landed on my shoulders. I could write a lot about that. Things do get complacent, routine, normal, after 3 yrs. I actually liked it that way, for the most part. I have to think that she needs to sort these things out for herself, and someday will regret what she left. It's like a wierd, minnie divorce again. No cheating, affairs, violence, drinking, drugs, stealing, money issues, etc...No sex issues this time. Any logic or reason that I give it comes back to..."why?" Why did she leave? Very odd way to end things... ( rather cruel and selfish of her) Another friend mentioned " maybe that is the best she can do". I hope she will remember the positives too! How are things on your side of the pond? |
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Post by tamara68 on Jan 27, 2022 17:33:31 GMT -5
Why did she leave? It's difficult to accept that you don't know. I used to know someone who got restless every time life was getting calmer/ things settled down. She moved to a new house every 2 years so she always had something new to be busy with and not have to face herself.
On my side of the pond some good, some less good things in life. My dad died last month. At the age of 94, it was good as it was. He was at peace at the end of his life.
I had some health issues, but things are getting better. Some work issues, but luckily the manager got a new job. At home, things could be better. My friend has some damage to his ego, which makes him very sensitive to criticism. That makes it very hard for me to discuss things that bother me sometimes. Sex has decreased. Partially because of health problems of my friend. I am a bit worried that I am going to lose my libido this way. The whole covid situation doesn't help either, but I guess it won't be too long before life is getting more normal again.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 27, 2022 19:27:30 GMT -5
Why did she leave? It's difficult to accept that you don't know. I used to know someone who got restless every time life was getting calmer/ things settled down. She moved to a new house every 2 years so she always had something new to be busy with and not have to face herself. On my side of the pond some good, some less good things in life. My dad died last month. At the age of 94, it was good as it was. He was at peace at the end of his life. I had some health issues, but things are getting better. Some work issues, but luckily the manager got a new job. At home, things could be better. My friend has some damage to his ego, which makes him very sensitive to criticism. That makes it very hard for me to discuss things that bother me sometimes. Sex has decreased. Partially because of health problems of my friend. I am a bit worried that I am going to lose my libido this way. The whole covid situation doesn't help either, but I guess it won't be too long before life is getting more normal again. I think what you meant was " It's difficult to accept that she left when you don't even know why she left?" I agree, it's easy to start blaming myself, however, I end up baffled and tell myself but she seemed happy with things? Your story about your friend, might very well be my woman's story as well. Every time this happened I needed some closure. Not getting much this time, except the "I went out on a date", oddly enough that gives me some closure. Better than knowing that she's at home crying in her room, and might contact me again! Sorry for your loss with your dad. 94 that's a long life, glad he passed away peacefully. Death can be a time to remember all the positive things that person gave to others! Glad your not sick with Covid . (me neither- not yet) I told my woman " if you get Covid I want to take care of you. I'll be here for you. I'll take time off from work, please let me be the one to care for you". Damage to the ego? Do tell? Gotta have that communication. I tried to be open and honest with my woman at every turn. It gets a bit scary opening up and being vulnerable. I'm going to have to do it again in another relationship, when the time comes. You still have your needs (sex) sounds like a red flag if he selfishly isn't willing to fill those for you. Keep improving and taking care of yourself! Great to hear from you again! Thanks for the ear! |
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Post by baza on Jan 28, 2022 0:05:24 GMT -5
It's a good idea to do a post mortem on a failed / finished relationship. It can reveal helpful insights in regard to what went wrong and perhaps why, and what (if any) role you played in it. This isn't exactly "why chasing" (which is a pretty useless pastime) but is rather part of a wider review of the relationship under the general and ongoing process of sorting out your own shit. Sorry this deal went guts up Brother greatcoastal but it's all got value - in what you can learn out of it. |
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 28, 2022 1:54:50 GMT -5
Well, crapity crap crap crap. I am sorry to hear about this misfortune, greatcoastal. Hang in there. I can't explain her malfunction, but, I'm pretty sure she pulls this skittish disappearing act on every boyfriend she's had, and will in the future, also. It was a good run. I trust that the next woman in your life will be a better pick. If anything, you've learned that, whatever problem your ex had, it ain't you. The problems this woman has, it ain't you, either. BTW, hold onto those sex toys. Keep that sexual arsenal clean and charged. Sooner or later, you are going to find a woman that will enjoy experimenting with you. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 28, 2022 6:52:51 GMT -5
My woman and I are no longer together after 3 wonderful years! (short version- it's hard to be short, there are thousands of thoughts and ??) She ghosted me. Took her things, blocked me from her phone and did not come home. Called my son and told him " I'm staying at a friends house (in another town. She told me she had no friends) I went out with another guy on a date. He seems nice." Sadly this is not new. (not the other guy part, but the leaving) After the first year she went back to her place for a few days ( one bedroom apt, in a house owned by an elderly couple) then came back and basically apologized. ( never got much of an explanation) Another year goes by, all is well. Going on our 2nd year, she up and bolts again! This all seems to happen after Christmas time. Again, this only lasted a few days, she apologizes claims she acted emotional. Says she doesn't know why she acts that way.( Stayed locked in her room and cried about it) Says she really , really wants to be with me! This time, I asked her daily, for about a month, "Are you coming home tonight?". I told her how painful it was, how it shreds her cred, and ruins trust. Another year of being together goes by, all seems well , we seem to be chugging along nicely. Out of nowhere, it happens again! (3rd time in 3 years) This was on Jan. 4th 2022. We talked it out. .... Hopefully me sharing this is useful for others. Whoa. Three years. Time flies. This third time "leaving" is shortly after Christmas too. Y'know. Not infrequently I hear stories of women beside themselves with frustration their boyfriends don't propose and they build themselves up for a Christmas engagement. Then it doesn't come. I wonder if she's had her hopes dashed three times but it's not a deal breaker. It's been three weeks. Far from too long for her to boomerang a fourth time, unless you're the one who's "done". You brought her credibility problem to her attention. This three week stretch may be her attempt to make you sweat more? Deliberate drama to push you to a commitment? She took your advice and she's standing by her conviction this time? She may well crumble in the end. This may be a whole lot harder on her than you can know since she's gone dark. The phone blocking may be an effort to disconnect. I hear it's a bit of advice on truly breaking up. She either means it, or she's listening to other people's advice. If she contacts you, it may be to restore a friendship where she thinks she can resist becoming lovers again. That's a thing. Might well work. Might disintegrate. Might hate herself for her "weakness". The levels of recursion produce sad overthinking. There may be some panic-bonding if you start seeing someone else. Dust needs to settle. Just throwing out some crystal ball stuff. Her ravenous sexual appetite and indifference with the cozy life you liked so much may suggest she'd like a more dopamine-rich life? Does she need to break away from you and have both a party life and a home life? Will such an enhancement reduce your currently abundant sex life? Would that break the deal for you? The phone call to your son? If you haven't noticed, I rarely use profanity. Sorry. That's fucked up. That may lengthen her time away from you because she knows what she did and may be self-aware enough to know how messed up that was. It may even have been a lie. She may stay away forever out of embarrassment. Not just due to you, but now she can be ashamed around your son. That's ugly. That could be a very long lasting fear that you bring that up some day, if she comes (crawls?) back to you. Ouch. She brought it on herself, but...wow, that's hard. I could see her thinking she ruined it and she can't come back. You thought this could be helpful? Heck yeah. Tales from Oppositeland not being all sunshine and rainbows provide a dose of reality for the greener-grass vision. Hope she comes back and you're both glad for it. Hope you find someone just as great, if not. On another thread, I spoke of "dessert-first" marriage. Three to five years together then deliberately leaving on top of your game, amicably, fondly, and a little wistful parting. Maybe that's what you got. Your attitude seems one of gratitude. We're told that's a way of living your life right. |
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Post by Handy on Jan 28, 2022 13:05:45 GMT -5
Mirrororchid
Y'know. Not infrequently I hear stories of women beside themselves with frustration their boyfriends don't propose and they build themselves up for a Christmas engagement. Then it doesn't come.
I wonder if she's had her hopes dashed......I was thinking the same thing. Some people want the ring. Some want the "New relationship energy" or a thousand other things.
Why did her other relationships end might be a place to start.
Sorry to heat about your dilemma Greatcoastal.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 28, 2022 19:51:22 GMT -5
It's a good idea to do a post mortem on a failed / finished relationship. It can reveal helpful insights in regard to what went wrong and perhaps why, and what (if any) role you played in it. This isn't exactly "why chasing" (which is a pretty useless pastime) but is rather part of a wider review of the relationship under the general and ongoing process of sorting out your own shit. Sorry this deal went guts up Brother greatcoastal but it's all got value - in what you can learn out of it. Thanks for the response baza, the insight and the advice! I always look forward to hearing from you! I do think, a lot about what role I played in it? Mostly good, positive things keep coming to mind. I will bring up this part, she is very 'old school' in her thinking and upbringing. She definitely wanted to be "miss homemaker", and I eventually let her. Don't forget that I was "Mr. homemaker for 20 yrs!". The odd part was how she would secretly complain to others about it? I told this story to a fellow coworker today and he responded, " yup. she was setting you up for that. So she could later say, look at all I did and he did nothing. My ex did the same thing to me. it took me years to figure out how I didn't see it happening". I met last night with the man who set us up 3 years ago. Between the two of us we kept coming to the same conclusion, " she's strange that way". For example: he said " she would call me and say, "I'm done! I can't take it anymore". ( typical Italian ,emotion with no substance) "We go out to eat and I pay for it everytime". I then said " she tells you that! I tried to pay over and over again and she won't let me. How can she complain to one person, and then insist on paying and tell me she wants to? That's lying, that's confusing, that's bad!" My friend said" I guess you just have to do it anyways, make her mad and insist on it" I told him " It wouldn't matter, she would leave cash on my nightstand when we got home and say, that's for dinner. Or put it in my wallet when I wasn't around, or put it in the glovebox!" We'd just shake our heads and say, "I don't know!" My friend then said " I've known her for a little while, but I've known you for 19 yrs. You're not like that , you wouldn't do that, you would easily pay for things, and do things for people, I easily believe you over her. That's not good of her saying things like that about you to other people. She had a troubled past". That was one of those things where she said " you're right, you're right, I need to work on that.... and then up and left the relationship. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 28, 2022 20:16:00 GMT -5
Well, crapity crap crap crap. I am sorry to hear about this misfortune, greatcoastal . Hang in there. I can't explain her malfunction, but, I'm pretty sure she pulls this skittish disappearing act on every boyfriend she's had, and will in the future, also. It was a good run. I trust that the next woman in your life will be a better pick. If anything, you've learned that, whatever problem your ex had, it ain't you. The problems this woman has, it ain't you, either. BTW, hold onto those sex toys. Keep that sexual arsenal clean and charged. Sooner or later, you are going to find a woman that will enjoy experimenting with you. Thanks for the insight and your response! You know I asked about " the past" early, early on in our relationship. 1) The first H and the divorce. Moved to America at a very young age (19 yrs. old) Was set up to marry him. Violence , zero sex issues and drinking ended things. One child involved. I remember me asking her about a significant dip in her head/skull. Her response " that's where he hit me with a chair". 2) The last guy she dated. He cleaned pools for a living, had an apartment ,they were together for 3 yrs. ( 3yrs? is that a pattern?) Why did she leave him? She told me, " he would come home from work, plop on the couch, drink beer, watch tv all night and never wanted any sex. I would parade around in front of him, naked, and he wanted to watch the tv!" I remember thinking: Well, I don't come home and plop on the couch. I don't drink. Period! I definitely appreciate your body! I don't own a tv, however... I do own a computer, and yeah I spend time on. I decided I could easily offer her better, and she deserved it! She claims it took her a while ( 1 yr. maybe?) to want to date again. She could not trust or like men. So now I have to wonder what she will say about me, to the next guy, and how long before she disappeares on him too? 3) Her 32 yr old daughter. Her daughter is a mess. Never married, has a 4 yr old daughter, an alcoholic, drug user, living off of grandma's money, would come over to her appt. and steel her clothes and money,( with my advice they changed the locks on the house,) A boyfriend full of tattoos, unemployed and sponging off of her. Got her pregnant, again, and disappeared. I remember the holidays and asking her " do you miss seeing your granddaughter? "The most I would receive back from her is " no, not really". hard to communicate with someone who closes up like that! Same when I asked about her daughter. Families can be toxic. I get that. I wanted to offer her a much better alternative, and I feel I did that. All those sex toys remain, clean, sterilized and charged. Time will tell!! |
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