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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 28, 2022 21:09:21 GMT -5
My woman and I are no longer together after 3 wonderful years! (short version- it's hard to be short, there are thousands of thoughts and  ??) She ghosted me. Took her things, blocked me from her phone and did not come home. Called my son and told him " I'm staying at a friends house (in another town. She told me she had no friends) I went out with another guy on a date. He seems nice." Sadly this is not new. (not the other guy part, but the leaving) After the first year she went back to her place for a few days ( one bedroom apt, in a house owned by an elderly couple) then came back and basically apologized. ( never got much of an explanation) Another year goes by, all is well. Going on our 2nd year, she up and bolts again! This all seems to happen after Christmas time. Again, this only lasted a few days, she apologizes claims she acted emotional. Says she doesn't know why she acts that way.( Stayed locked in her room and cried about it) Says she really , really wants to be with me! This time, I asked her daily, for about a month, "Are you coming home tonight?". I told her how painful it was, how it shreds her cred, and ruins trust. Another year of being together goes by, all seems well , we seem to be chugging along nicely. Out of nowhere, it happens again! (3rd time in 3 years) This was on Jan. 4th 2022. We talked it out. .... Hopefully me sharing this is useful for others. Whoa. Three years. Time flies. This third time "leaving" is shortly after Christmas too. Y'know. Not infrequently I hear stories of women beside themselves with frustration their boyfriends don't propose and they build themselves up for a Christmas engagement. Then it doesn't come.
I wonder if she's had her hopes dashed three times but it's not a deal breaker.
She came on hot and heavy the first few months. Heavy regards to possibly getting married ( a red flag?) She talked about taking me to Italy to meet her family!
I let her know I did not want to get married again. One reason was financial, giving up my alimony. Maybe in the distant future, after my debt (taxes) where paid off. Financially I was unstable when we first met. Things are much better now.
Then there's the family court system and all its shortcomings, another reason to avoid marriage. I also explained to her that if we keep two separate households ,we are far less likely to take each other for granite, fall into a "routine" and continue to date each other with more of the original flare of the beginning.
Who knows if she accepted that? Her old school way of thinking may still be there?
It's been three weeks. Far from too long for her to boomerang a fourth time, unless you're the one who's "done". This time I'm done. (sadly) 3 strikes and you're out ( 4 in this case) I have to have boundaries. They have to have consequences or their meaningless. It's all too painful, and I don't want to go through it again.
You brought her credibility problem to her attention. This three week stretch may be her attempt to make you sweat more? Deliberate drama to push you to a commitment? She took your advice and she's standing by her conviction this time? She may well crumble in the end. This may be a whole lot harder on her than you can know since she's gone dark. The phone blocking may be an effort to disconnect. I hear it's a bit of advice on truly breaking up. She either means it, or she's listening to other people's advice. I know she's one to easily take others advice, She's very co dependent. And , I'm learning passive aggressive. She would tell me stories about certain customers ( she cleans houses for a living) constantly bickering about how things weren't done right or she needs to do more. Or customers that would always ask her to do more. like pull weeds, walk the dog, go to the grocery store for them , clean gutters, trim trees, etc... I would tell her " you don't have to put up with that. You need to learn to say no, and stand your ground." She would be passive about it, tolerate it for to long, and then be aggressive and drop them as a customer! side note ( on the other hand , I would explain to her, you're getting paid $25 an hr, that's pretty good for walking a dog in the park!)
If she contacts you, it may be to restore a friendship where she thinks she can resist becoming lovers again. I'm concerned that she would attempt this. But I know her. She would have her hands on me instantly. I would be the one telling her " I care enough about you to not let you do that, just be a sex object. Nor will I be used that way. I'd probably treat her like one of my own adult children. let me know how you're doing .Occasionally, call me if you need me.
That's a thing. Might well work. Might disintegrate. Might hate herself for her "weakness". The levels of recursion produce sad overthinking. There may be some panic-bonding if you start seeing someone else. Dust needs to settle. Just throwing out some crystal ball stuff. Her ravenous sexual appetite and indifference with the cozy life you liked so much may suggest she'd like a more dopamine-rich life? Does she need to break away from you and have both a party life and a home life? Will such an enhancement reduce your currently abundant sex life? Would that break the deal for you? If she wanted a more dopamine- rich life, she sure was horrible about asking for it. I'm not a mind reader. Offering, suggesting, and coming up with things to do, and not getting much feed back got tiring and confusing. ( who knows? Her broken english? poor communicating?) I also don't want to be a sugar daddy! 2 yrs of a shut down covid society did not help getting us out of the house. We did visit lots of parks and take long walks and bike rides ( I did injure my foot a year ago, and some nights all I could do was take a walk around the block. WE always held hands, up until the last day)
We live on the coast of Florida. That means lots of water activities and amusement parks. She gets seasick, refuses to take any medication for it, and is afraid of heights, also gets sick on some of the slowest rides. That eliminates about 70% of the activities I wanted to do with her.
She's not one to live a double life like that. When I did have other couples or friends over the house, she would get quite and not communicate much. More of her insecurities.
The phone call to your son? If you haven't noticed, I rarely use profanity. Sorry. That's fucked up. That may lengthen her time away from you because she knows what she did and may be self-aware enough to know how messed up that was. It may even have been a lie. She may stay away forever out of embarrassment. Not just due to you, but now she can be ashamed around your son. That's ugly. That could be a very long lasting fear that you bring that up some day, if she comes (crawls?) back to you. Ouch. She brought it on herself, but...wow, that's hard. I could see her thinking she ruined it and she can't come back. Yes that was bad. My son really liked her, and told her that she was like his second mom. He told me he liked her much better than my ex.You thought this could be helpful? Heck yeah. Glad to bring , everyday relationship problems to the surface. It's good to talk them out. One thing I told her " maybe you could get some help and talk with a counselor, or a therapist about your problems,and your past" . Like so many other people on here she laughed about it and refuses it. I told her " please don't laugh about that, or right it off. I went for therapy for two years, and so did me son. It can be very helpful."....no response.
Tales from Oppositeland not being all sunshine and rainbows provide a dose of reality for the greener-grass vision. Hope she comes back and you're both glad for it. Hope you find someone just as great, if not. On another thread, I spoke of "dessert-first" marriage. Three to five years together then deliberately leaving on top of your game, amicably, fondly, and a little wistful parting. Maybe that's what you got. Your attitude seems one of gratitude. We're told that's a way of living your life right. On to new beginnings. Maybe slower this time.
Thanks for the ear, and the time it takes to respond, greatly appreciated!
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 28, 2022 21:36:53 GMT -5
Mirrororchid
Y'know. Not infrequently I hear stories of women beside themselves with frustration their boyfriends don't propose and they build themselves up for a Christmas engagement. Then it doesn't come.
I wonder if she's had her hopes dashed......I was thinking the same thing. Some people want the ring. Some want the "New relationship energy" or a thousand other things.
Why did her other relationships end might be a place to start.
Sorry to heat about your dilemma Greatcoastal.
I did explain the ring part to her ,early on, she seemed okay with it, but who knows? People hide their emotions and go on hoping for change. She had also ended her rent for 3 months at the house she was staying in. her landlord rented out her room to someone else! While she was paying rent! I told her " you can stay with me, rent free. I was concerned about losing my alimony if my ex decides to push the issue, but for 3 yrs all is well, I'm ready to take that chance." ( just her living with me -rent or not- for 6 months can be seen in the eyes of the court as a permanent relationship) My ex has stayed in zero communication so she can keep her control over our adult children. Her disappearing/bolting 3 times over 3 years sure made it harder to even bring up a marriage agreement. If anything I would have said to her, " aren't you glad you didn't marry me? You wouldn't have been so free to up and leave like you do." |
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Post by sadkat on Jan 28, 2022 22:36:39 GMT -5
I'm sorry greatcoastal. I know this must be very difficult for you. Grieving a loss of a relationship doesn't get any easier. You are right- communication is key in any relationship. It's difficult to maintain a strong one when a partner cannot communication effectively. I am glad you are telling us about it. The support you receive here will help you heal, eventually. Give yourself some time. Should she want to return, would you welcome her back? |
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Post by Handy on Jan 28, 2022 23:49:29 GMT -5
Greatcoastal, the no ring and no living together to protect your income from your XW, sounds like a major reason that she left. Your XGF might have been told by one of her friends that you are just using her and that a serious boyfriend would give up alimony if he loved her. Maybe your XGf might have wanted you to pay her rent while living with you.
About used sex toys, I do not know any woman that would want to use the toys you used of some other woman, sanitized or not.
I will also suggest a new GF might even want you to get new sheets and a mattress before she has sex in your bed.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 29, 2022 7:42:26 GMT -5
Greatcoastal, the no ring and no living together to protect your income from your XW, sounds like a major reason that she left. Youe XGFmight have been told by one of her friends that you are just using her and that a serious boyfriend would give up alimony if he loved her. Maybe your XGf might have wanted you to pay her rent while living with you. About used sex toys, I do not know any woman that would want to use the toys you used of some other woman, sanitized or not. I will also suggest a new GF might even want you to get new sheets and a mattress before she has sex in your bed. If these are her 'major' reasons, than I hold that against her. She agreed to the 'conditions' and always had an open door to communicate otherwise. I'm not a mind reader. And I discovered last night, after learning that she met with the man who put us together in the first place, how she communicates her side of the story leaving out huge chunks of the truth. He even told her so. The reality is that I too will face these same issues with lots,if not most, other woman my age (58 yrs old). They receive alimony, they receive child support, gov't assistance, have their own private business, have a job making a higher income than mine, they have their own house/apt/furnishings/etc.. moving in with me may never be an option. We could remain 'together' and live in seperate homes. My XGF was only paying 7% of her income in rent. Others hear that and say " that's damn good, hard to beat that, and on beachside!" As a landlord I know that their are tenants paying up to 50%. The important part ,was her having her own freedom, and we would be constantly dating. I would assume that she enjoyed living with me, instead of alone/with an elderly couple at her appt. If I'm not going to have a GF living with me ,I could easily have two to three roommates living with me, netting an extra $1500 a month. Or move inland and net an extra $1000 to $1500 every month. I chose not to , so I could be with her. Money isn't everything!. Used sex toys? That's all new ground for me. Perhaps you are thinking about a vibrator? There are a lot of other things that we tried out together 'restraining devices'. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. What's been your experience? Not concerned about replacing everything. Besides I own multiple sets of sheets, and still have two other sets of mattresses that my daughters barely used ,during their short time of living with me. I'm big on washing the sheets every week and making the bed daily. would you go to a bed and breakfast, a furnished appt, a hotel and expect a brand new mattress and brand new sheets every time? ( there's a lot of other ways/places to have sex than on the bed  |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 29, 2022 8:40:32 GMT -5
I'm sorry greatcoastal . I know this must be very difficult for you. Grieving a loss of a relationship doesn't get any easier. You are right- communication is key in any relationship. It's difficult to maintain a strong one when a partner cannot communication effectively. I am glad you are telling us about it. The support you receive here will help you heal, eventually. Give yourself some time. Should she want to return, would you welcome her back? Great to hear from you! it is painful, mentally and physically. I loose sleep, which affects me at work. I have thousands of thoughts every time this happens. I go " why" chasing, and start blaming myself. Another friend,locally, recommended " don't just go right out and date someone else, give yourself some time to heal". I'm thinking a season. I couldn't go right out and date someone else , even if I wanted to. I don't have those kind of connections anymore,and I'm not a very happy person to be around while going through all this. Kind of depressed, you understand! ( I've stayed busy at work, and working on my house. I put up all stucco trim work around the windows on the front of my home, It looks good! Never done that before, learned a lot!) During our last week together I asked her " don't you ever need/want some alone time? I'd be glad to let you have that, and understand." Her answer was " not really, no." My elderly neighbor said this about her leaving " she always struck me as a strange different kind of person. I think her European descent has something to do with it". That's an interesting way to look at it. Maybe I should stick with " made in the USA" As I was driving/working the other day I got to thinking about " where did I take her? What places did we visit? where did we go to eat at? What towns did we visit? The list is quite long! In fact that was some of the problem, finding something new, when we had already done things or been places. I asked for her help. Her answer was the same 3 restaurants we would normally go to. Eventually I'm going to stop beating myself up over it! No tears, this time. The first week that she bolted and called me at work on a Monday( 4 days after she left) while I was driving, she asked if we could talk. The hard part was my truck was super noisy, my phone had a bad connection, and I was exiting the Interstate in heavy traffic. I reluctantly had to tell/ask her " I can't talk right now. It's too hard. Can I call you back". She called me back, after I had a good,short cry, was parked and it was quieter. No tears this time, but lots of stress, anxiety, depression, and tightness above my chest. Waking up early too, alone in my bed is difficult after 3 years of waking up to someone naked next to you, who tells you repeatedly, you can touch me if your awake. I don't mind. I used to wake her with my fingers and bring her (quickly and easily) to several orgasms and then go back to sleep. There where So many terrific sexual parts of our relationship! It amazes me that she can just leave, with a short " I'm not happy". I could leave her breathless ( she would tell me :that was amazing! You are wonderful! I would thank her too for what she could do to me!) and she would want " stimulation" 4 times a day! I knew it was all new experience for her, so it still leaves me baffled that she would just ditch it all? Would I welcome her back? I actually did after the third time. 8 days went by and she bolted again. This time I'm done. (sadly) 3 strikes and you're out ( 4 in this case) I have to have boundaries. They have to have consequences or their meaningless. It's all too painful, and I don't want to go through it again. I'm concerned that she would attempt to come back. But I know her. She would have her hands on me instantly. I would be the one telling her " I care enough about you to not let you do that, just be a sex object. Nor will I be used that way. I'd probably treat her like one of my own adult children. Occasionally you can let me know how you're doing , call me if you need me. It's a cold weekend on the east coast today, staying warm in the house today! I miss her warm body and smile next to me. Love makes victims of us all, and creates for us great misery as well as magnificent happiness. |
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Post by Handy on Jan 29, 2022 13:06:14 GMT -5
greatcoastal
My XGF was only paying 7% of her income in rent.That eliminates one of my ideas. I assumed rents were very high in your area, which you did post. Her brain must be wired a little different for most normal people. I say date as soon as you are feeling half stable just to experience meeting other women with no particular expectations. I have no experience with sex toys. My w didn’t like them but I did hear that women didn’t like anything used that went inside or had sex juices on it at one time. They think about the other women and that takes away from concentrating on you and her in the moment.
One more thought that does not lessen the pain of "your woman" leaving is, you and her had 3 years of the type of sex and closeness most people can only dream about.
The other thought I had is no second divorce to go through, not that you wanted one but she pulled the plug on the relationship and not being married to her, eliminated the second possible divorce.
Sorry, I really do not have any good answers for your pain and wondering why she left.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 29, 2022 13:49:58 GMT -5
I'm going to do some journaling to myself here, while sharing at the same time, so please bear with me.This time I'm using real names. I highly doubt she will ever see it, or anyone else that knows her.
Last night I went to see a friend, Jonathan the guard who works the front gate where I lived for 16 yrs. Jonathan was the person who introduced me to Rafaela 3 yrs ago.
I still need a friend to talk this out with, so I went to see him last night. Jonathan said " guess who came by to talk with me yesterday? Rafaela.
I asked " what does she have to say?"
Jonathan :" well I'm glad that you came by first to talk with me. I treated her very differently once I heard your side of things. I normally would have listened to her and said, ugh hugh, ugh hugh, awe that's too bad. But this time I did a lot more questioning about her behavior."
( we both agreed it's like talking with one of our teenage children)
Jonathan :"Rafaela started with the same old, I'm done, it's over. I'm tired of doing everything and getting nothing back in return". She went on to say " I do all the cooking, cleaning, buying the groceries, paying for dinner, cleaning up after his son"
she mentioned these things one by one, and each time he let her know, "you tell him you like doing these things, I know him he offers to pay for things, you force money on him, you won't let him clean things, you even tell him it's my job. Don't be going around complaining about him not doing these things and talking bad about him!" she was surprised and ignored it.
Rafaela told Jonathan how I did very little for her on her birthday. Fortunately I had already talked to Jonathan about this the day before and he reminded her " you told him you didn't want to remember your birthday, you don't like getting older, not to get you anything, that you don't expect anything, he asked you if you wanted a cake, you said not to buy one, he asked you if you wanted to go out for dinner, you said let's stay home. he asked what you wanted for gifts, you said you didn't want anything. Rafaela what's he supposed to do? He gave you what you wanted! She doesn't respond.
Side note: I told her I would be fine if my birthday just came and went. I don't need anything, and it's just a reminder that my family won't even contact me. What does she do? Buys me pie, lights candles, gets me a card, buys me gifts, insists I pick a place to go out for dinner. I do these things because I know it pleases her....not me.... that it makes her happy. I'm kinda glad when the day is over! I now realize it's all her way of showing me, this is what I expect you to do for me. Not caring about what I want.
Jonathan also told her " you really hurt him ,he's in shock that you left, he has no idea why. You shouldn't just up and leave people like that"
Rafaela responds " he'll find someone else. He can meet someone on his computer, he'll find another woman".
Jonathan then says to me, "she told me about this other guy she went out with.She didn't like anything about him, and doesn't want to see him again."
I responded " yeah, she better get used to it. From what I read, there are A LOT of women who are very disappointed at how men treat them on the dating scene!!"
Jonathan then told me " I told her that you knew about it. Rafaela said ,he knows? he's not supposed to know .I told his son not to tell him about that!"
We both agreed that she should never have put him in the middle like that, and wonder about ,how she can think that's okay in the first place?
Jonathan then told me " you remember the pool guy she dated before you? I said " the one who drinks beer all the time plops on the couch, watches tv all night and won't have sex with her?" Jonathan :"yes ,him. She claims he called her this week that she stays in touch with him, and wants to remain friends with him."
Me: "I doubt that he just happened to call her this week after 3 yrs. She's calling him, looking for another guy."
Jonathan: " he wants to have sex with her only. A friend with benefits. She says she can't stand him that way and doesn't want to".
Me: Oh well, she's got a lot to learn doesn't she!"
Jonathan: Oh yeah I mentioned the flowers that you gave her every season. She said it wasn't enough that I needed to give her things on special occasions.
Me : she told me that I only gave her flowers once. I quickly corrected her. No response.
Side note: She never really hinted or acted like "gifts" was her love language. I would go to the mall with her and offer to by her a bunch of clothes and things, and she would say " I don't like that stuff". Then she would come home with shoes and clothes from " Holy Name" thrift store! She would also complain about her customers owning way to much stuff, and that she doesn't like having all that stuff.
Jonathan: Rafaela said you started asking her all about her finances and her money. She was mad about that. She said he's got no right to know about that! I told her, Rafaela you two have been together for 3 years, you're living like a couple. He shared everything with you about his finances, he was trying to help you! He offered for you to live with him rent free." She doesn't know how to respond.
side note: Our last week together I asked her about how she pays her bills? still mailing checks? I wanted to help her with direct deposit so she wouldn't need to receive hardly any mail anymore. it would all be on her computer (that I gave her) I also had thoughts about including her in my will. Hoping for a much longer relationship.
Jonathan : Rafaela said you told her she needed to see a therapist and that you treat her like she's crazy or something. I reminded her of what you told me that she could use some counseling, a mentor, another woman friend who could guide her and help her better. There's nothing wrong with talking to a therapist. Everyone should!
Me: I also told her, please don't dismiss that or laugh about it. I saw a therapist for two years during my divorce and it helped me. My son saw a therapist and it helped him too.
Jonathan:I asked her about that camping trip with her friends she was going on? She said it got cancelled and she doesn't have any other friends. I told her, Rafaela you need your own life too, you should go meet some other women.
It's all very baffling isn't it!?
Jonathan said to me " I don't know, you guys sure had the sex part down, what if she comes back for that?"
Me:I'll tell her she can't be trusted, to go get tested for STD's bring me the results, and If that's what she wants, is sex only ,than she would have to leave immediately because I would want her to stay, and I can't deal with that. Honestly, I don't know if I want her touching me. I feel foolish and used. Hard to love and trust her again.
Side note: I remember early on in our relationship asking her, " what are your goals for the future? Are you happy with yourself now? What would you like to see change? " She told me she didn't want to keep cleaning houses, it's hard work, a lot of bending down. She would like to be a nurse. So I got on the computer and started looking up classes for her, I showed her these things. I showed her where the college campus was, I took her to a college counselor, I took her car shopping. Lots of guidance ( almost like dealing with one of my adult children,again) I bought her a computer and showed her how to use it.
All of it lead to nothing. I left things up to her to get things started. I would periodically ask her about it, she wasn't interested. She's an adult, I can't change her, I can't make her fears and low self confidence go away. i did my part, or more.
She's cleaning houses today, and still riding her bike, with a driver's license.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 30, 2022 0:11:28 GMT -5
greatcoastal, Rafaela may have been a good relationship for you since your married life was so horrendous, but Rafaela was a very fucked up person whose behavior was full of red flags. You might want to talk to a therapist about your experience with her so that your next relationship will be a step up (as your relationship with Rafaela was compared to your relationship with your wife). When one has been in a longterm relationship that is terrible, it can be very hard to know what a healthy relationship is like and what a healthy partner would act like. Healthy people just don't disappear and reappear in relationships nor do they get angry at you for doing what they asked you to do.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 30, 2022 10:14:55 GMT -5
greatcoastal, Rafaela may have been a good relationship for you since your married life was so horrendous, but Rafaela was a very fucked up person whose behavior was full of red flags. You might want to talk to a therapist about your experience with her so that your next relationship will be a step up (as your relationship with Rafaela was compared to your relationship with your wife). When one has been in a longterm relationship that is terrible, it can be very hard to know what a healthy relationship is like and what a healthy partner would act like. Healthy people just don't disappear and reappear in relationships nor do they get angry at you for doing what they asked you to do. All very true northstarmom@! Sadly it takes a while to get to know a person. Their will be those who lay it all out on the table early on, and you can easily decide ,nope that aint for me, and run! And then there are those who slowly let you know things and it's up to you to find them and deal with them. Those are the worst! I may post on here , later, about some of the wonderful, fun, intimate, heart warming, exciting times we had together...just to show it wasn't bad, and that I'd come a long way on having a good relationship again! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 30, 2022 11:46:28 GMT -5
I love listening to old classic music!
This is one song that sums up how I feel about my situation.
Here's three other songs I used to play while we were making love, eating dinner, or sitting together at night.
1) Lou Rawls You'll Never Find
2) Lou Rawls See You When I Get There
3) Al Wilson Show and Tell
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 30, 2022 17:23:09 GMT -5
I read this today and it got me thinking: If they ( meaning narcissist-I still don't see Rafaela as a narc) get the slightest hint that you have one foot out of the relationship, they’ll leave. Or play up. Or make threats. Being rejected reinforces their deep self-dislike so, if anyone’s leaving, it needs to be them. If you hint at leaving they’ll pull out all the stops to get you to stay. Then, coldly, they’ll walk. Their choice, not yours.
After she bolted and came back the 3rd time I said these things to her:
1) If, If I we have a big argument and I ever decided I don't want you in the house anymore, and you came home to find your bags at the front door, and the locks changed, do you have an alternative? A friend to stay with?
Note: I had mentioned this because her landlord was getting ready to lease out her place for 3 months.I've also offered to her, if we had an argument or she wants some time alone there's always the empty bedroom furnished with a bath at the other end of the house. This was also my way of confirming that she needs to be less codependent and have some friends.
2)I talked to her about meeting other people, women to have friendships with. This way the burden of entertaining her and not having boring evenings wasn't totally up to me.
3) I talked to her about taking some dance lessons. So we could meet other couples to do things with. Again less burden to entertain her.
4) I have a Gmail account on my computer. I still get an occasional " someone is checking you out" email from an old dating sight that I used once. One date and don't know how to delete it all. Do you think she looked on my computer ? " her comment of " he can meet someone on his computer " bothers me?
5) I've mentioned to her before that I could rent this house and move inland to the other house. Everytime I'd ask her " would you be okay with that? what about your customers? I always got a short, vague answer of " that would be all right I could find new customers anywhere" That's a lot more work than I think she realizes.
6) I did tell her "you leaving me like this, 3 times is getting too hard, it's hard to trust you, I can't take it again"
Did she take these things as me having one foot out of the relationship? I didn't. I had no thoughts of me ending things. However she had me wondering if she would last another year!
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Post by saarinista on Jan 30, 2022 20:39:48 GMT -5
greatcoastal Quoting from your post here.... --Side note: I told her I would be fine if my birthday just came and went. I don't need anything, and it's just a reminder that my family won't even contact me. What does she do? Buys me pie, lights candles, gets me a card, buys me gifts, insists I pick a place to go out for dinner. I do these things because I know it pleases her....not me.... that it makes her happy. I'm kinda glad when the day is over! I now realize it's all her way of showing me, this is what I expect you to do for me. Not caring about what I want. (End quote) Okay. This woman sounds like she does have some issues, but I'm wondering if what she really wanted wasn't marriage and maybe that's why she left. One thing that jumped out at me was where you said "your family" won't even contact you which makes you not want to celebrate your birthday, regardlss of how much she does for you. If I was her I might feel very discounted if I got that Impressions from my boyfriend. Think about it- it's like you're implying that regardless of what she does, it doesn't make up for the fact that your kids aren't there. Especially if she IS wanting to be part of a new family, that might have made her feel that you were not ever going to commit to her and maybe that's why she left. Yes she should have told you that directly, but maybe she figured there was no point sharing that.
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Post by Handy on Jan 30, 2022 20:58:47 GMT -5
Rafaela doing so many things for you, that sounds like a giver that can not express what she needs. It is called "The Nice Person Syndrome." They give and give until they feel empty but they can rarely ask for anything or express their opinion.
I admit to doing that several times in the past.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 31, 2022 6:14:10 GMT -5
The odd part was how she would secretly complain to others about it? I told this story to a fellow coworker today and he responded, " yup. she was setting you up for that. So she could later say, look at all I did and he did nothing. My ex did the same thing to me. it took me years to figure out how I didn't see it happening". ...I met last night with the man who set us up 3 years ago. Between the two of us we kept coming to the same conclusion, " she's strange that way". ...My friend then said " I've known her for a little while, but I've known you for 19 yrs. You're not like that , you wouldn't do that, you would easily pay for things, and do things for people, I easily believe you over her. That's not good of her saying things like that about you to other people. She had a troubled past". That was one of those things where she said " you're right, you're right, I need to work on that.... and then up and left the relationship. In your longer letter, it seemed like you were able to tick off numerous reasons your match with her was imperfect. I like how troubled you are that you're moving on and you'd be looking after her if she needed help. You're a big ol' softie, but aware of the serious problems from giving in too much. In this shorter one, you're talking about changing someone else. That's surely a recurring theme here at ILIASM. Your open eyed acceptance of who she is may be bringing things to an end. Had you decided to stay, it'd be good to be armed with this same awareness. Same with next girlfriend. As romantic entanglements go, this breakup seems about as good as it gets. Bravo. Seems like Rafaela was huge on hint-dropping, then ticked when you weren't expert at it. Too common. It demonstrates how well you know her when you defy her, because you "know her better than she knows herself". Hallmark channel stuff. Fits with the Xmas proposal thing. She hoped you'd know what she was hoping for. Your lack of psychic abilities becomes deliberate refusal of her needs. Romantic, but unfair. Such faith in you, and such undeserved fury. This is not rare. The lack of clear communication that works out anyway would, indeed, produce that rapture of someone knowing us completely. She craves it? So gives you tons of opportunities to ignore what she says and fulfill her heart's desires? More "old school" behavior? Deny wanting anything, be blown away when he does it anyway? Bliss for her, stress for you. You spoke of narcissists leaving you hard, cold. I don't know if that's true, but she didn't do that - three times. Perhaps those were three hints. 'Propose, or I walk.' But no words to that effect. Covert narcissism? The doing everything, then complaining about it victimhood thing is a component. But only one. |
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