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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 9, 2023 20:26:00 GMT -5
greatcoastal....this is as close to the laymans guide for being friend zoned as I can get.... Attachments:
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 18, 2023 9:31:20 GMT -5
Older men are likely to be further along in their careers and come into more wealth naturally, through time. This ticks the same box that vocational superiority at the same age brings.
In addition to the fertility genetic push, younger women being attracted to men who have a bit of mad money to share will reciprocate and find that younger women like them more, and will return the sentiment.
The financially successful woman will enjoy distractions and amenities that are out of reach of men who don't earn as much. This restriction may be noticed and unwelcome. Even at parity, she may be underwhelmed by teh dates he can afford to pay for since two admissions are needed. Even a guy who does earn a bit more may struggle to treat on events the woman can comfortably pay for and underappreciate his sacrifice. This will lead her to enjoy the company of a man making substantially more than she does because he treats her to events she'd hesitate to afford for herself. The novelty will potentially produce experiences she finds unusually rewarding and this can translate to warm feelings about the man who provided the experience. It is not necessarily intentionally materialistic.
Younger or unusually beautiful women may become accustomed to a certain level of amusement and place a priority on wealth. These are traditionally labeled as "high maintenance" women. They vanish if teh money dries up. Well to do women may also be "high maintenance" this way and even if they pair up with less economically secure men, maybe they don't last, and consciously or not, they gravitate towards more affluent men. The arm-candy women demand it, the successful women drift that way out of attrition effect.
As women continue to surpass men financially, some men will even struggle to "go Dutch" and will end up depending on their lady friend to subsidize their participation; full role reversal. This may encourage women to seek out higher earners when finding wealthier or parity partners becomes impractical. Money will continue to weigh strongly when selecting husband candidates.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 1, 2023 20:37:26 GMT -5
I enjoyed listening to this and wanted to pass it along.
I posted it here because it reminded me greatly about my now ex woman's attitude of " I'm not happy" then coming back and saying " you where wonderful" and " all men are ass-holes". I can't be responsible for her fear of commitment and always playing the victim, while continuing the same pattern over and over again. I'm also afraid that when and if she does ever receive " professional " help it might enable her victim attitude even more.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 8, 2023 11:45:58 GMT -5
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Missingout
Full Member
Posts: 187
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Oct 15, 2023 4:36:56 GMT -5
I enjoyed listening to this and wanted to pass it along. I posted it here because it reminded me greatly about my now ex woman's attitude of " I'm not happy" then coming back and saying " you where wonderful" and " all men are ass-holes". I can't be responsible for her fear of commitment and always playing the victim, while continuing the same pattern over and over again. I'm also afraid that when and if she does ever receive " professional " help it might enable her victim attitude even more. Wow this is great stuff.. I need to find a way to get this to my wife by some inconspicuous way. Spent hours going through all of her videos and she speaks the truth. Thank you for sharing..
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 15, 2023 19:10:21 GMT -5
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 15, 2024 18:53:40 GMT -5
Another selection from the many gems: Her being a commitment phobic -Part of what she did wasn't conscious (deep seated patterns she has carried all her life) and part was very calculated triangulation in the hopes that either the gateman or your son would relay this information to you so you would possibly call. But the most important part of this is: In order for true behavior change there has to be several elements. Some of them escape me. (You realized it just wasn't going to happen. KUDOS my friend!) 1. There has to be genuine remorse for their actions. (she just wanted her foot back in the door, you are fun, I can see why) 2. They have to acknowledge that there is even a problem with themselves 3. Take steps like therapy to correct it because the cycle repeats itself even if they agree that it is toxic to the R. People are really responsible for their own happiness. The "he/she doesn't make me happy" syndrome- well, get off your tush and go make some memories that you can be proud of on your death bed. No one can expect us to make them happy if they can't keep themselves happy. Waiting on the couch wishing and hoping is just not the answer. I am glad you asked your new GF to explore and plan a nice trip for the two of you!!! How refreshing not to need a crystal ball, eh? The idea is, go to the opera but go with your friends, I will even buy you tickets and go every blue moon. Everyone doesn't have to fit the same mold. How boring. Enjoy the rugby match...I may even make you snacks, but it's just not my thing and that is okay. Let's celebrate our differences. Not beat each other up for our own lack of adventure. Not that you did any of this, it is an example. The best lesson I learned from dating is just have an end goal to have fun even be a sounding board if they want to vent. If they want to talk about past R's answer a few questions and keep it light. Going back in time-These men might have been dating other women, I tried to be the most fun without giving in to sex. Which was hard. But I also didn't want to see a man who was quick to jump in the sack. I just didn't want a player... But I waited to long to have sex and look what I got. hahaha Have her take you for a drive in traffic---how well she treats other in traffic will give you insight into her personality. How well they treat animals is another insight into their persona. What everyone came up with is so powerful. I think that you should be really proud of yourself! I know I am! All of the relationship articles that you shared with her and us really paid off!!!
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 17, 2024 23:10:22 GMT -5
Terrific walks in the park?I like meeting face to face, and being introduced better than on line. There's just too much dishonesty out there! far too many women ( and men) who are either still married, lying on their pics, and profile, want a sugar daddy ( or mamma) or aren't interested in dating/ a relationship at all! They are just playing the field to get a moral boost to see who likes them. Side note: How can these woman say; I love to travel! Love being on a yacht. Play golf, tennis, pickle ball. Fine dining . Dancing. I Am well traveled to 40 different countries. My family is my life. I love my dogs. I exercise 5 times a week. I own my own business. I am divorced and want a man in my life, I'm a great cook, I can drink you under the table,,I enjoy a quiet evening at home.No one has that kind of time for all those things! Then I got far too many women who live 1 1/2 drive away from me interested in dating. Distance is a built in barrier. A barrier commonly used by a commitment phobic. I did the math. if you figure 3% of the population near me are women who are within 50 to 60 yrs old, divorced or widowed, and live within 10 to 15 miles the number is 4500! That's enough fish in the sea to choose from greatcoastal you have nailed on-line dating to a T. I have lost track of how many profiles describe their current state as "living life to the fullest". If that's the case, I won't be knocking on that door. Clearly there's no room for me or really any other male in your life. And you are definitely dead on when you speak about women just there for the ego boost from being pursued. Lots of women probably do like to travel. But they want to do it on your credit card. Lots of women looking for a sugar daddy. When I was on POF 6-7 yrs. ago I was often messaged by women who lived 100 to 200 miles away. It took me a while to figure out why. It's so they really don't have to worry about actually dating. They know the distance is going to prohibit that 99% of the time. And 4500 potential ladies in the pond. WOW ...I live in a really rural area. I doubt there are anywhere near that number of widowed, divorced women who might actually be available. And far fewer who are still interested in intimacy.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 4, 2024 11:40:37 GMT -5
Doing a little more journaling. Going on two weeks now, I'm sleeping better and getting adjusted to things being fully over. That I may never see or talk with her again.
Thinking about her one line " I'm not happy"
Speaking of "happy" we had this exchange on a Sunday evening. (Just a few days before her final bolting-no. 4) I was dressed and tired from splitting so much wood, and helping my neighbor move lumber. I climbed in the bed ,dressed and told her it's way too early to go to bed ,but I was cold and just wanted to rest my back. She laid beside me. Me: " are you happy?" Rafaela: "I bet your tired you did a lot of work" Me: " are you happy" Rafaela: ""did you help Paul move all that wood?" Me: " are you happy?" Rafaela: " that's nice of you to help him do that"
(notice a pattern here of avoidance?- red flag!)
Me: "I asked you the same question 3 times and you are not answering me." Rafaela: yes I did. Me: No you didn't. " are you happy, would you please answer that?" Rafaela: I don't know. Me: what do you mean , you don't know?
Then she gets angry, and tries to turn it on me and says Rafaela: "I don't know,I guess, I answered you. WTF wrong with you." ( notice the reversal - it's my fault-red flag!) That's when I get up from the bed, take my computer and say, " I asked you 3 times a simple yes or no question, and you can't answer me" Rafaela " I answered you" Me : "no you didn't ,don't lie about it. What do I have to do record every conversation and play it back to you? You said, I don't know. That's not an answer. I'm going to go into the other room for a while." Rafaela: don't go. Let's go for a walk.
We go for a walk, talk about little stuff. She acts happy, touching, kissing, (avoiding) leaving me thinking that she's happy and all is well. Confusing isn't it! people and their emotions!
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 5, 2024 5:13:03 GMT -5
Oh, lord. "I don't know." is an answer. A sad one. It means she doesn't know what love is. She may confuse infatuation with love. Some folks have not had it explained to them that raw lusty passion doesn't last, and that's OK. Does she crave that high?
She might do well with poly. She can get the insane drunkenness or lust/infatuation repeatedly, even as she can enjoy simmering romance with older partners like you became. Companions that, through ordinary natural progression of sexual relationships, do not inflame her hormones.
When not every cylinder fires, small pet peeves can start to erode the delusion you should think only good things about your sexual/romantic partners. She may well crave the Cinderella happily ever after thing and blame herself when the issue isn't her or her behavior, it is her expectation of what happily ever looks like. It isn't tearing up the sheets every night. If it is, good on ya, but it usually isn't.
Your Yes or No put her in the No category. That answer was a deal breaker and she loved you. Just in a way she didn't understand was okay to feel: ambivalent. "It's good, but not world changing." So many marriages aren't, but they are bedrock support for our lives. It's okay not to be swept away. A good marriage will sweep you away unexpectedly; preferably several times a year. That delicious reminder of your younger days with your beloved reinfuses the bond with the sexual nature of the relationship.
The gestures of affection were efforts to keep you with her because she did not want to lose you and what she had with you. At the very least, she valued you. She wanted time to figure out what was wrong with her, with the relationship, even if she had no hope of succeeding. She was scared. She was angry at not being allowed to keep you without that passion she associated with love and nothing short of that. She may have felt you expected her to feel that crazy euphoria permanently and she blamed herself for not being there, or perhaps not having had the obsession last longer than it did. She felt blamed because she blamed herself.
Or, I'm wrong.
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Missingout
Full Member
Posts: 187
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Feb 5, 2024 9:56:12 GMT -5
Definitely right on point sir... Great read. Thank you
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