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Post by northstarmom on Oct 13, 2022 12:25:26 GMT -5
greatcoastal: "Anyone else on this forum who has had "dating experiences" after a divorce from a SM? Please share your experiences and what you learn from them."
June, 10 years ago, I filed for divorce from my 33-year marriage, the last 8 years of which and at least 7 others had been completely sexless. I didn't discover the predecessor to ILIASM until 2 weeks after my divorce was final, which was the next year. Long story short: when we married, my ex and I were very compatible, in fact he was the kind of man I was looking for. My father had had an explosive temper, was verbally and sometimes physically abusive, and had affairs. So, I picked a man who was very calm, almost emotionless, and who had sexual inhibitions. This marriage worked for decades even with lots of sexlessness. Then, I finally got effective help for my variety of mental health problems which included basically being seriously depressed and anxious for most of my life. With an effective social worker and medication, I became a different person, the type of person I'd always wanted to be but never had had the energy to become. Independently of my husband (who didn't have or desire close friendships), I developed platonic friendships, got involved in acting, singing, dancing, exercise, and basically developed a joyful life very separate from him.
Long story short-- My STBX and I lived together platonically for a year after I filed for divorce. This was for both of us to save money while he finished his last year before retiring and moving abroad. It also was a way to allow me to stay as long as possible on his health insurance. We both agreed that the other could date and live life however they pleased.
So, I signed up for dating sites and was honest about my marital situation. Also was honest that I wasn't looking for a future marriage partner but was interested in having a monogamous relationship. In my profile, I included things that were important to me: my political views, lack of religion, interest in the arts.
A couple of in person dates resulted from that: one with a guy who was still mourning his deceased girlfriend (That's all he talked about during our walk in a local park). I told him I wasn't interested in seeing him again as it was clear he needed more time to mourn. Another was a coffee date with a 30 years younger guy whom I thought just wanted to learn about Buddhism. It ended up he wanted to date me, but he was WAAAAY too young for me!
I also had some facetimes with a couple of guys who lived far away, but there was no spark. Frankly, I found both of them boring. One just talked about himself, and asked me nothing about myself. He told me I was the "most fascinating woman he'd ever met." But he definitely wasn't what I was looking for.
I used to post on FB where I'd be having lunch and I'd invite anyone interested to join me. I didn't do this to meet potential dates, but to have fun with friends. One time, a guy from my acting troupe showed up. I didn't know he was checking me out for dating potential. There were about 8 other friends there, too. He brought up the subject of plays and we all started talking about plays. This included my saying that I love theater, especially sitting in the front row. He turned to one of my friends and told her he was going to ask me out. Then, he asked me out to front row seats in a play that would happen in 2 months. I accepted. I literally had no thoughts of him being a possible partner. To myself, I thought of it as a practice date -- my first real date with anyone beside my STBX in about 36 years! Meanwhile, I continued living my busy life including being in a play that he took someone else to see.
When we finally went out, I learned over dinner that he was much more interesting than I'd realized, and I also realized he had similar values to me, was emotionally open, living happily as a single, didn't have bitterness toward his exes, and had longtime real friends (something important to me as my STBX had no close friends).
I was in back to back plays, and also was job hunting and busy with other things, so over the next few months, we had about one date a month. I don't think we even kissed til our 3rd date, and that kiss showed we had strong sexual chemistry. He invited me to go to his house, but I declined because I just wasn't ready to get that involved yet. I also wanted him to get STD tested first. And I was very clear to him that I wasn't looking for a relationship that led to living together or marriage. I just wanted a monogamous friends with benefits relationship. Anyway, after he got STD tested, we made a date, the sex was incredible. We had a FWB relationship for about 2 months then realized we'd both fallen in love. About a year later, I moved in with him, and we've been together happily now for 9 years. He would like to marry me, but to me, marriage is a trap, and I prefer to live together so I always feel being with him is my choice, not an obligation.
My lesson to impart: Make sure that you really are ready to date. Get healed from your SM and whatever led you to get into or stay in a SM. Create a happy independent life for yourself. Do not settle for just anyone so you aren't alone. All relationships end in death or divorce so it's important to learn to be happy single. And do not give second chances when you first start dating someone. Realize that when you first start dating someone, you're seeing each other at their best. If they are rude, late, or say or do things that are not in line with your values, then don't bother to see them again unless you feel that being in another miserable relationship would be a step up from being single. As Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them!"
FWIW when I started dating, I was 61 and lived in a college town. I knew the odds of my finding a partner were probably slim. But I also knew that I'd prefer being single forever than being with a partner that wasn't compatible. So I didn't settle. And even if I'd never found a partner I'd be happier now being single than if I'd remained in my sexless, romantic -loveless marriage.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 13, 2022 14:29:10 GMT -5
greatcoastal you have nailed on-line dating to a T. I have lost track of how many profiles describe their current state as "living life to the fullest". If that's the case, I won't be knocking on that door. Clearly there's no room for me or really any other male in your life. And you are definitely dead on when you speak about women just there for the ego boost from being pursued. Lots of women probably do like to travel. But they want to do it on your credit card. Lots of women looking for a sugar daddy. When I was on POF 6-7 yrs. ago I was often messaged by women who lived 100 to 200 miles away. It took me a while to figure out why. It's so they really don't have to worry about actually dating. They know the distance is going to prohibit that 99% of the time. And 4500 potential ladies in the pond. WOW ...I live in a really rural area. I doubt there are anywhere near that number of widowed, divorced women who might actually be available. And far fewer who are still interested in intimacy. Stats show that 1 out of 6 women in online dating are still married. That's 18%! ( there's even a category on Bumble and (I think) Match for "recently separated-whatever that's supposed to mean?) I understand that these dating sites give you words, tittles, phrases, to choose from, questions to answer,etc...They want to know your hobbies, how you spend your free time....but my God ! All I see is Travel, Travel, Travel, and all this during times of Covid! ( in this day of 'equal rights', I hope they are ready to pay their own way, for everything!) Then comes the hypocrisy. " I spend all my time with my family, holidays and weekends... Then how do you do all this traveling? And where's time to be alone with a man? And who takes care of the dogs? These women are going to stay single for a looong time.... and probably happy that way? One woman had a photo of herself holding up a trophy. It's dated 2015!! Then why are you on a dating site? It's comical how many women's photo's are the dog taking up 3/4 of the photo! That, and pics full of them and their female friends. Their friends look hotter,younger, happier than they do!! Don't get me started on the politics that women instantly throw in your face! A BIG red flag! Lots and lots of Anti.... out there! I was matched with a woman who lives close to me, we are close in age, she works second shift, and weekends. Her free time is taking care of her elderly mother and other elderly people. We barely found time to even text together! She even said " Oh I haven't checked on my profile for a while I don't use it much."... duh, no kidding!! She didn't say it but it's easy to figure out...she likes the short amount of attention.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 13, 2022 14:32:45 GMT -5
greatcoastal said: "It's hard to just move on to another person when there is no other person."
Until you are able and willing to live life happily single instead of settling for whoever will spend time with you, you are going to continue to date people who treat you badly. You are worthy of good treatment -- consistent good treatment.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 13, 2022 14:54:13 GMT -5
greatcoastal said: "It's hard to just move on to another person when there is no other person." Until you are able and willing to live life happily single instead of settling for whoever will spend time with you, you are going to continue to date people who treat you badly. You are worthy of good treatment -- consistent good treatment. I get what your saying and I half agree. But... you keep missing the point. I moved on. Moved on to being single again. It's not easy but I saw the signs and did what's best for me, this time. Putting yourself out there takes time. Finding another person takes time. Getting to know that person "the true person-not a fake mask" takes time. I'm not one who has a line up of women waiting to date me when ever I'm available! I doubt there are others out there who have multiple dating partners waiting and ready for them! I've had 10 months now of getting back to my happily single life.There are times when it's great to be free to do as I please. And there are times when I just don't want to go to that place, or event because I'd rather go with someone than just be alone, surrounded by hundreds of people. So I stay home. I know for a fact there are others that I communicate with from this sight that 100% share my thoughts. YES!! I am worthy of good treatment-consistent good treatment, ( and so is everyone reading this!!) and I am very aware of making sure I give that to others so I can expect it back in return. Side note: I just got home from my private dance lesson. My instructor who set me up with Ava told me a few things. 1) Good for you you made the right decision! 2) Ava called me and said " he hardly knows me, he didn't give it enough time". 3) we both agreed, " I know plenty" more signs of someone who's going to deny, avoid, reverse things and play the victim.
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Post by warmways on Oct 13, 2022 22:20:55 GMT -5
It takes everyone different lengths of time to realize the person isn’t a good match. As you date more you become more attuned to what you won’t allow, become clearer with your values are and see the red flags more quickly.
I dated someone over the summer, had video dates with for eight months and and thought he was the one until I realized what he wanted was just sex. I had to let him go. He balked about driving to see me as he lived an hour away and wanted me to drive. Was inflexible and relentless about getting me to spend the night on the second date. Last month I ended another relationship because the man had poor boundaries, love bombed me and was overly needy. I shouldn’t have taken him back twice and finally ended it with the third breakup. He threatened to drink again and take his own life on the first break up. Do I wish I’d handled that much better and realized right away? Of course. Am I getting better at dating? Yes.
I forgive myself for not seeing the red flags sooner. But when you’re “in it” it’s so much harder to be objective. It’s easy for my friends to say: “Hey! what are you thinking?! And I know they’re trying ti help. And easy for me to witness my friends in relationships and want them to run. Support and suggestions help, but in the end we sometimes have to go through it to learn.
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 14, 2022 6:15:44 GMT -5
Thanks so much for your input! Love your questions! You really know how to get a conversation going!... A couple thoughts on that: In today's 'dating world' first comes Finding that person, being introduced to that person, then the texting/phone conversations. Then comes the meeting in public places. Then , eventually, comes the 'terrific walks in the park'-after the trust has been established. That takes time. We are talking 3rd date, or more. Hard to do all that with 4 or 5 women at a time/ Easier with one at a time.... Yes, dating multiple people at one time was more common. People seem more busy now, and I get asked a lot " are you dating anyone else?". At my age women/people are more Leary of a player. There are 2 different women that I will be meeting, divorced or widowed... I soon find out she is married and right in the middle of her divorce, looking to buy a house.... A red flag! I'd like to meet her again, a year from now....
Would I refuse women intimate companionship if they crave it? Yes I do! I have and will. Why? Because I refuse to be a pawn, used as a weapon for revenge, or get caught up with a woman who is love bombing me for another narcissistic relationship! I don't drop my pants for just anybody! I want to know there's going to be many other times after that and it's going to have meaning: trust and commitment.I spent a few months on Bumble and Match. I accumulated over 90 women who either read my profile, or wrote back to me. ( definitely a good moral boost!) I dated 4 different women at different times. ( one at a time) I could write a lot about that!! I like meeting face to face, and being introduced better than on line. There's just too much dishonesty out there! far too many women ( and men) who are either still married, lying on their pics, and profile, want a sugar daddy ( or mamma) or aren't interested in dating/ a relationship at all! They are just playing the field to get a moral boost to see who likes them. No one has that kind of time for all those things! Then I got far too many women who live 1 1/2 hours drive away from me interested in dating. Distance is a built in barrier. A barrier commonly used by a commitment phobic. Glad the question barrage didn't come off as aggressive. You know me well enough, I guess. Online dating experiences would be a welcome new thread, if you're up for it. OKcupid, if I recall properly, allows you to specify a range and say you won't consider anyone further than a given range. I didn't run into any pretenders with bullhorns from two states away. Not sure where the pawn/revenge stuff came up when it came to having two lovers because they want you that way. Attached/married could be like that, but if you're strictly into divorced/widowed (single and never married not an option? Another red flag?) Maybe on that other thread, or here, you dated 4 women at the same time. In person? Were you always in a "choose the best one" mode? Were they? Was it a mix? Did you have those that wouldn't take things further until you dismissed the other three? Were any of them indifferent to your dating others? Is an open relationship still capable of commitment and trust? Seems it would give you a safety net so that if you're dating an Ava, you're not starting over with the other three. (and you can keep an eye open for a fourth) You said, "I doubt there are others out there who have multiple dating partners waiting and ready for them!" Right. That's why dating one at a time is a problem. It's waiting. You're soaking up time with teh wrong person, and the right person you turned down for coffee because you're "seeing someone". The line can't exist if you have someone at your window and you shout to the next person "Line 5 is open!" Then you find out you can't help your prospect and the line is empty. "Players" do get a bad rap, to be sure, but they aren't waiting and they don't have to put up with any bad behavior. Filling the role of a "player" before setting their sights on wife material may temper the instincts of those with the disposition to connect deeply, quickly. (Guilty as charged, myself.) All this from a guy who dated for about five months before his wife reset, killing any further experiments/experience. So, easy to kibbitz from the sidelines here. You're in the war zone. After your sexless marriage, a married lover is out of the question? Even with their husband's awareness and at least tacit consent? It's a line some won't cross, sure. All that getting to know you stuff takes time. Yes, but if you're not laser focused on making it last forever, a lot of it can overlap. Problem with that waiting a year for Ms. Promising-but-still-married? She links up with someone else in ten months and your traditionalism rules her out. (Is "seeing someone" a shield against you, or must there be a ring involved?
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 14, 2022 11:06:53 GMT -5
GC said: "Putting yourself out there takes time. Finding another person takes time. Getting to know that person "the true person-not a fake mask" takes time. I'm not one who has a line up of women waiting to date me when ever I'm available! I doubt there are others out there who have multiple dating partners waiting and ready for them!"
I applaud how you have changed a lot over the years from being a man who spent years with an abusive wife to being a man who spent a year with a girlfriend who frequently disappeared with no explanation, to being a man who within a week could figure out that there were enough red flags to not see Ava any more. That's great progress! Kudos!
As A mature-aged man who loves to dance, you actually do have lots of potential dating partners. More women than men like to dance. That's why so many women end up dancing with themselves at dance places. That's why in dance classes, some women have to learn how to lead. And, then, when it comes to a man who likes to dance and also isn't just going to dances to get a quick lay, those type of men are rare, too as are men who can carry a conversation. Heck, when I was taking ballroom dance and went to one fo the dance parties, where they make you switch partners a lot, one of my partner's idea of conversation was telling me he had just gotten out of a military prison after killign someone who had hit his buddy! Scary! Yes, that's what it's like for women at those dances!
Have you ever read the below poem? Great lessons here. One thing about the poem that differs, however, from dating is that you don't need "another street" to choose not to continue to see someone who's waving red flags. You have the choice to continue being single and having fun as a single.
“There’s A Hole In My Sidewalk: Autobiography In Five Short Chapters” ~ Portia Nelson
Chapter I
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost … I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter II
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place. But, it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter III
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in … it’s a habit … but, my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
Chapter IV
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
Chapter V
I walk down another street.
-- Meanwhile, we are your friends. If you post early about your relationships, we may be able to help you spot and act on your red flags earlier. That's actually what I used my therapist for in helping me identify and eventually avoid people who were using me or were otherwise toxic to me. Those lessons also helped when I started dating.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 14, 2022 14:06:16 GMT -5
GC. I agree with NorthStarMom. Your dancing hobby gives you access to a great dating pool. Leverage that to the hilt.
As far as dating tips, as a married man, it may come off as odd or morally corrupt that I date but whatever. Here are some tips.
- I don't really worry too much about whether people like me or not initially. I pay attention to their body language and energy levels during conversation and mirror that. I do try to let my personality show in that context
- My #1 priority when getting to know someone is not impressing them but instead try to asssess emotional availability and compatibility. If these things are not there, you are wasting time. Its fun to get to know people and I don't turn down an opportunity, but I'm also realsitic once I see its not a fit. Ive made great friends this way. But not everyone may want to be friends/acquaintances
-Once I know I am interested in someone and I suspect the interest is mutual, I escalate the flirting and innuendo. This moves things forward in no uncertain terms. I feel like a lot of the guys, from what I can tell, in the dating pool fail at this and women can sniff it out and move on.
Really thats what it boils down to. There are details about wardrobe and being a good conversationalist, but if you don't have the basics down, those details won't matter.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 14, 2022 15:38:26 GMT -5
- I don't really worry too much about whether people like me or not initially. I pay attention to their body language and energy levels during conversation and mirror that. I do try to let my personality show in that context - My #1 priority when getting to know someone is not impressing them but instead try to asssess emotional availability and compatibility. If these things are not there, you are wasting time. Its fun to get to know people and I don't turn down an opportunity, but I'm also realsitic once I see its not a fit. Ive made great friends this way. But not everyone may want to be friends/acquaintances -Once I know I am interested in someone and I suspect the interest is mutual, I escalate the flirting and innuendo. This moves things forward in no uncertain terms. I feel like a lot of the guys, from what I can tell, in the dating pool fail at this and women can sniff it out and move on. Really thats what it boils down to. There are details about wardrobe and being a good conversationalist, but if you don't have the basics down, those details won't matter. These are good points to remember. I have become reasonably good at reading body language. From checking if their pupils are dilated, to how relaxed or nervous they are. Some early trepidation is to be expected but after 5-8 minutes both parties should be starting to relax, and the conversation should flow easier. Eye contact is important. Women often say men do not make good eye contact. Evading eye contact and looking away are signs of deception. I also pay attention to how they have dressed for the 1st meet. Even if it's just a coffee date if they show up in old blue jeans and a loose-fitting shirt it reads like the meet is not really a high priority for them. I may not be in a suit and tie, but I will be in a cleaned and freshly ironed pair of slacks. The same for my shirt and I may be in a sport coat or leather if it's a little nippy out. No sweatshirts or hoodies allowed on the 1st meet. Once I have sensed some interest on her part and if I too am feeling some chemistry, I like to ease the conversation more toward romance. If she doesn't initiate the conversation about sex then at some point, I will bring it up. If she has no interest in intimacy or she dodges the subject or I get a negative vibe, it's a red flag. Then I wind down the conversation and gradually end the meet. If I get a favorable response, I will ask some specific questions about likes and dislikes. I want to see where the boundaries are or at least get a feel for where they might be. After that it is decision time. Do I ask her for a real date or are we done.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 14, 2022 15:49:43 GMT -5
Daddeeo said: " My #1 priority when getting to know someone is not impressing them but instead try to asssess emotional availability and compatibility. If these things are not there, you are wasting time. It's fun to get to know people and I don't turn down an opportunity, but I'm also realistic once I see it's not a fit. I've made great friends this way. But not everyone may want to be friends/acquaintances."
I agree. I try to find out about the other person to see if we are compatible. My goal isn't to impress them so they feel I'm worthy of their time but to see if we are a good fit. When I was younger and had less confidence, I focused more on impressing the other person but now what I try to find out is whether the person is someone I'd want to spend time with. I try to discern whether their values and interests are compatible with mine.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 14, 2022 16:24:49 GMT -5
I get this and agree although my approach is different. I don't ask specifically about sex. I lead the discussion there with flirting and innuendo. My experience has been that sex poaitive women are usually much more in tune than men on preferences and needs and are willing to have the discussion. If they don't pick up on the cues then I don't think its a match. [quote timestamp="1665774376" If she doesn't initiate the conversation about sex then at some point, I will bring it up. If she has no interest in intimacy or she dodges the subject or I get a negative vibe, it's a red flag. Then I wind down the conversation and gradually end the meet. If I get a favorable response, I will ask some specific questions about likes and dislikes. .
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 15, 2022 6:20:50 GMT -5
Thanks so much for your input! Love your questions! You really know how to get a conversation going!... A couple thoughts on that: In today's 'dating world' first comes Finding that person, being introduced to that person, then the texting/phone conversations. Then comes the meeting in public places. Then , eventually, comes the 'terrific walks in the park'-after the trust has been established. That takes time. We are talking 3rd date, or more. Hard to do all that with 4 or 5 women at a time/ Easier with one at a time.... Yes, dating multiple people at one time was more common. People seem more busy now, and I get asked a lot " are you dating anyone else?". At my age women/people are more Leary of a player. There are 2 different women that I will be meeting, divorced or widowed... I soon find out she is married and right in the middle of her divorce, looking to buy a house.... A red flag! I'd like to meet her again, a year from now....
Would I refuse women intimate companionship if they crave it? Yes I do! I have and will. Why? Because I refuse to be a pawn, used as a weapon for revenge, or get caught up with a woman who is love bombing me for another narcissistic relationship! I don't drop my pants for just anybody! I want to know there's going to be many other times after that and it's going to have meaning: trust and commitment.I spent a few months on Bumble and Match. I accumulated over 90 women who either read my profile, or wrote back to me. ( definitely a good moral boost!) I dated 4 different women at different times. ( one at a time) I could write a lot about that!! I like meeting face to face, and being introduced better than on line. There's just too much dishonesty out there! far too many women ( and men) who are either still married, lying on their pics, and profile, want a sugar daddy ( or mamma) or aren't interested in dating/ a relationship at all! They are just playing the field to get a moral boost to see who likes them. No one has that kind of time for all those things! Then I got far too many women who live 1 1/2 hours drive away from me interested in dating. Distance is a built in barrier. A barrier commonly used by a commitment phobic. Glad the question barrage didn't come off as aggressive. You know me well enough, I guess. 1) Online dating experiences would be a welcome new thread, if you're up for it. 1) I'll do that in the near future. 2) OKcupid, if I recall properly, allows you to specify a range and say you won't consider anyone further than a given range. I didn't run into any pretenders with bullhorns from two states away. 2) Match and Bumble 'claim' to do the same thing. They allow you a age range and a location radius. Then they break it and send you"likes from women outside those barriers. 3) Not sure where the pawn/revenge stuff came up when it came to having two lovers because they want you that way. 3) Actions not words. Sadly their are those who are still married, engaged, have a steady relationship, going through a divorce,financial difficulties, etc.... and will use you against some one else,and then they're done. No one night stands or being ghosted after the first date for me!
Too many people fool themselves into making poor decisions. Infidelity is one of those poor decisions. Some people think that their attraction to another person is a justification for cheating, but it’s not. If you start your relationship with someone by being the “other person” who helps them cheat, you can’t expect any less for yourself in the future. There’s no fairy tale endings for relationships that start in lies and subterfuge.4) Attached/married could be like that, but if you're strictly into divorced/widowed (single and never married not an option? Another red flag?) 4) Single and never married are rare, they do exist, but I've had no interaction with any of them. I' d be open to it, and cautious at the same time. Everyone has their own life story! 5) Maybe on that other thread, or here, you dated 4 women at the same time. In person? 5) One woman at a time. In person. Spread out over time. ( funny thing about those dating sites: 2 weeks of nothing.... and then , 5 women in one day liking you on your profile!) ( Feast or Famine!) 2 of the women I dated , I ended the relationship. One on the first date, the other after the 3rd. The other 2 women ended the relationship after the first date. ( one told me " I must be honest with you, I still have feelings for my ex and am not ready") 6) Were you always in a "choose the best one" mode? Were they? Was it a mix? 6) I was very polite and responded back to everyone! I did not receive that back. There where examples where I would say " Thank you for the wonderful compliment! However the distance factor would be a barrier. "
Studies show that men tend to be more open to dating all kinds of women. Women tend to be much more picky/selective. I was pleased with the over 90 women who showed an interest in me, during my season on the on line dating scene.
Ava told me " many of the woman like you a lot. They are very interested in you, they talk about you all the time" 7) Did you have those that wouldn't take things further until you dismissed the other three? 7) One at a time. There was never anyone else. One of the women specifically told me " after phone conversations , I go out on a date, then I take down my profile". Almost all of the women I dated or spoke with would want to be sure that 'their was no one else that I was dating'. I offered that every time.
These women have the words " looking for a long term relationship" in their profile. ( mine says that too) Some say " looking for marriage". 8) Were any of them indifferent to your dating others? Is an open relationship still capable of commitment and trust? 8) Once I had two women hit the "like" button at the same time. We talked on the phone. Their names where practically identical. Sherry and Cheryl. Man ..did I butcher that!! LOL! I got their names backwards! I told the truth from the beginning. " yes. I am just getting to know both of you at the same time. You where both minutes apart." They understood and where okay with it. They both where not my 'dating material - they wanted attention, that's it! ( more on that some other time)9) That's why dating one at a time is a problem. It's waiting. You're soaking up time with the wrong person, and the right person you turned down for coffee because you're "seeing someone". 9) ) Is it a problem? Waiting has it's advantages, I get to be 'single' again. A short time for healing, reflecting, some self indulgence. And with friends 'like my dance instructor' they are ready to set you up with someone else. Eva introduced me to some of her female friends. I danced with them, they are single. Word gets around that you are available again. More fish in the sea!
People get caught up in dating sites, thinking" what if I miss that special someone/ or is there someone better out there?" A year from now their will still be plenty of good choices.
Plus, with every date that you get beyond "coffee", you learn more about yourself, your needs, and how to be firm and when to compromise.10) "Players" do get a bad rap, to be sure, 10) This is new ground for me... Their seems to be a group of women close to my age who want nothing more than a social life full of partying at much older wealthy man's houses and calling them their 'good friend'.
How quickly the other women said " she's a player, not what you want". I don't want that reputation... ( a player) or that I 'strike out a lot'. Fortunately that has not been my story. 11) After your sexless marriage, a married lover is out of the question? Even with their husband's awareness and at least tacit consent? It's a line some won't cross, sure. 11) I don't want to go there. I'm in the market for a long term commitment ( that definition is used on dating sites like Bumble and Match) I've read countless articles that warn you " a married lover goes back to their H/W."
I thought I had a long term commitment with my prior 3 yr relationship. Who knew commitment phobia would step in?All that getting to know you stuff takes time. Yes, but if you're not laser focused on making it last forever, a lot of it can overlap. 12) Problem with that waiting a year for Ms. Promising-but-still-married? She links up with someone else in ten months and your traditionalism rules her out. (Is "seeing someone" a shield against you, or must there be a ring involved? 12) I've considered putting her in the " friend" zone. Someone I can council too about recovering from a divorce, and tread cautiously, setting boundaries. Who knows what can evolve, a year from now? Their are stories of friends who end up with long term commitment or marriage.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 15, 2022 8:42:18 GMT -5
It takes everyone different lengths of time to realize the person isn’t a good match. As you date more you become more attuned to what you won’t allow, become clearer with your values are and see the red flags more quickly. I dated someone over the summer, had video dates with him for eight months and thought he was the one, until I realized what he wanted was just sex. I had to let him go. He balked about driving to see me, as he lived an hour away and wanted me to drive. He was inflexible and relentless about getting me to spend the night on the second date. Last month I ended another relationship because the man had poor boundaries, love bombed me and was overly needy. I shouldn’t have taken him back twice and finally ended it with the third breakup. He threatened to drink again and take his own life on the first break up. Do I wish I’d handled that much better and realized right away? Of course. Am I getting better at dating? Yes. I forgive myself for not seeing the red flags sooner. But when you’re “in it” it’s so much harder to be objective. It’s easy for my friends to say: “Hey! what are you thinking?! And I know they’re trying to help. And easy for me to witness my friends in relationships and want them to run. Support and suggestions help, but in the end we sometimes have to go through it to learn. Life is full of 'learning experiences' isn't it! How many of us where married for decades? And are just now entering the dating scene in our empty nester years? Is dating going to be like it was right after High School or in college? So many different factors to consider: You both own separate homes, both have jobs, hobbies, children, grandchildren, some living with you permanently/occasionally. Some are retired and all they want is to travel and " live life to the fullest" others are more of a home body and want to share their new beginning- quiet ,less stress life with someone new. Decisions, decisions! New things to try, and others to avoid! Some haven't recovered from their spouse, some are narcissistic, the list goes on..... " I forgive myself for not seeing the red flags sooner" I LOVE that mentality. THANK YOU for sharing it!Funny how your friends who ask " what are you thinking?" are guilty of the same mistakes...and then they repeat it.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 15, 2022 12:59:17 GMT -5
Keep in mind that one, two, or even 3 dates doesn't mean you are in a romantic relationship. You're still checking each other out. In fact, I'd be scared away from anyone who announced on the first or second date that I was "the one." My personal preference is to only have sex with someone as part of a monogamous relationship. This is because I don't want to be juggling more than one sexual partner, and I want to limit my possible exposure to STDs, some of which are lethal or can be chronic. I also would not have sex with someone until I've seen their recent STD negative test results. If a man refused to do that I'd know he's not the man for me. In the preliminary stages of dating I would not expect that I'd be the only person the man were checking out. In fact, the guy I have now been with 9 years, brought a dates to 2 plays I was in. The first was a month after he'd asked me out. He'd asked me out to see a play that was in two months, so I saw him out with a date before we had our first date. The second was about a month after our first date. He brought a date to see another play I was in. Interestingly,he told me after we had become a couple that he did that deliberately, and the "date" was actually an old friend whom he had no romantic interest in. But I didn't know that when I saw them together. Seeing that there was competition made him seem more interesting to me. I did not take down my dating profiles until we'd become a real couple, a pairing that included sex as well as love for each other. One thing to consider: If you've met someone on-line and only know them through phone calls or Zooms, you are not a real couple. You don't really know them. This includes not knowing if you have sexual chemistry. There are people whom I've found attractive on-line but when I met them in person, I was turned off probably by their pheromones. There also are people who are very different in person than they are on-line. They can write or talk a good game as long as it's not in person. And, of course, there are people who have online "relationships" with lots of others who mistakenly think they are in one-on-one relationships that are going some place. I would not start dating a person by asking them to be monogamous. I would, however, want monogamy if we became sexually involved, but I really want to know and trust a person before getting sexually involved with them even if all I am looking for is a FWB. The reason: STDs. "How many of us where married for decades? And are just now entering the dating scene in our empty nester years? Is dating going to be like it was right after High School or in college? " I found dating after a 34-year marriage to be nothing like high school or college dating. The main reason was that as a mature person, I had much more of an idea about what I wanted in a dating partner, and I was much less tolerant of behaviors that turned me off. I also was more certain that sexual chemistry was important.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 16, 2022 5:06:28 GMT -5
Lots of women probably do like to travel. But they want to do it on your credit card. Lots of women looking for a sugar daddy. When I was on POF 6-7 yrs. ago I was often messaged by women who lived 100 to 200 miles away. It took me a while to figure out why. It's so they really don't have to worry about actually dating. They know the distance is going to prohibit that 99% of the time. And 4500 potential ladies in the pond. WOW ...I live in a really rural area. I doubt there are anywhere near that number of widowed, divorced women who might actually be available. And far fewer who are still interested in intimacy. I feel for you man! I have another female friend in your same predicament. Small town rural area. The next bigger town is an hour, to an hour and a half away. There's maybe, maybe, 300 men within a 15 mile radius- compared to my 4500 women! My friend runs into the distance factor, all the time. I remind her that it's a built in barrier, and it's going to be used as an alibi, to not see you. " let's meet next week, let's continue to text, I need you to come see me, I have a business trip and will be gone, my sons are graduating, I have a wedding to go to",....the list goes on and on! Who really knows what they are doing with their time? Dating other people? Still married? Looking for a one night stand? Then you will be ghosted.. Then you're stuck being home alone...again. I just flat out told these women on these 2 dating sites " I greatly appreciate you showing an interest in me. It's a wonderful compliment! I already like many things about you, you are a very attractive woman! You live an hour and a half away from me. (3 hr. round trip) I would most likely want to see you 4 times a week. That would not be possible with the distance. I'm sure you can find a man who lives much closer to you and is available. I wish you success in your future dating experiences. You deserve it!" The last woman I dated ( Rafaela- my relationship of 3 years) lived 2 miles from me. She also moved in with me very soon after we met. I'm used to having someone to come home to daily, who desires you, for all the right reasons, ... I miss that!There was one or two that I told " if you're ever in my area ( the beach) contact me. We could always spend the weekend together. There's plenty of extra furnished rooms at the house." - nothing like that has ever happened. I really don't want to go the 'weekend sex fling-one night stand 'fiasco! medium.com/heart-affairs/yes-online-dating-is-harder-for-men-but-its-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think-ae4269ecd3d1Let me know if you can't read this. I'll cut and paste and post the article!
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