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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 11, 2022 17:00:57 GMT -5
Part two of " As The Salsa Bar Turns!" (much of this is me journaling- hopefully there are life lessons that others can relate to, or learn from!)
1) Friday evening: (3 days after the creepy elderly man followed me home - I will call him Jeff-not his real name) we meet at the dance studio where Ava (not her real name) takes her lessons. Ava wants to introduce me to her friends. Ava wants me there on time for the beginning lesson (Polka). Ava is making German potato salad to bring.
Ava shows up 1 1/2 hrs late. The lesson lasts an hour. ( 3rd time we've met, 3rd time being substantially late. A 100% track record) Another red flag. Ava posted pictures on Facebook of the SpaceX rocket going off from her backyard, while she's supposed to be at the Polka dance. (more red flags).
Once again, there was another older man who had his arm and hands around her after the dance is over, and kept her for several dances in a row. She gladly stays.
Several days ago I invited Ava to an art festival on Saturday. She said " that would be nice. I would like that, let's do that". Friday evening she tells me, " I can't make it, I have a previous commitment with my Zumba class".
I'm not impressed with these last minute cancellations! Another red flag.
I leave without saying goodbye, noticing a trend and am less and less interested in being with her.
BACKTRACKING TWO DAYS HERE:
2) Wednesday night: Ava said " I am sure I will see Jeff again at dance events. Can't avoid that. Yes, he has some romantic interest in me, been going on for a while, but I've always said no. I guess I saw red flags" . Then she tells me " I'm getting ready to go to dinner for a friends birthday". (looking back in hindsight it makes me wonder if she was seeing Jeff....again. )
3) Thursday night: Ava could have easily joined me for dance lessons at the studio I go too. Me and others have invited her. She turned it down , said she had " too many other things to do. That she was going to sign up and start taking a Thursday night Spanish class",and waited until late Thursday night to text me 'Hope you had a nice evening, I went to Southside ( another dance studio near me) I just got home." ( probably with Jeff or some other guy from months ago. Another red flag to not trust her words.)
4 )Saturday night: We meet at the dance studio where I get my private lessons. The place where we were introduced to each other. Once again she is over an hour late. Another red flag 4th time- I've gotten used to it..
On Friday I had also invited Ava to go jet-skiing with me Sunday morning. Like before I had gotten a ' that would be fun, let's do that!" She waits until late Saturday night to tell me " I can't go, but lets go, next Sunday for sure" . I walk her to her car and tell her " I want to have some one on one time with you, but you're always too busy. From now on you will have to make the plans, it's up to you, I'm available, and make time for you." She responds " You're the one who's working, I have the time. I can change my schedule. I'm flexible".
Fancy word salad! But judge someone by their actions.
My " goodbye" to her is much more formal and distant.
5) Sunday night: NOW COMES THE GOOD PART! LOT"S OF DRAMA!
I am at the Moose Lodge for the regular Sunday night class/dance. Ava is going to meet me there (I did not speak with her all day. I'm less and less interested in being rejected!)
Jeff is there! He takes a seat at the table behind me. I avoid him and say nothing to him all night. I change tables where I can see everyone.
Word has already spread about avoiding Jeff the stalker, and for the women to not dance with him.
Before the lesson starts I am informing another woman (who is friends on Facebook with Jeff) about his stalking.
She 'informs me/enlightens me" of many new things! She tells me " There are two sides to every story. Ava is quite the PLAYER! Just this past Saturday her and Jeff came together to the 75th anniversary ball."
Jeff paid for her ticket and invited her. (A date, right?) They have been dating for some time now. And months before that she was going out with another older man! ( I found Pictures on Facebook in Ava's file of the 75th anniversary ball and their it is! Pics of Ava and Jeff together, just 3 days before the stalking incident.
Remember... she had told me," I haven't been seeing anyone since my divorce 9 months ago. I'm finally ready to start dating again."
Then Ava entered the room. ( an hour late... again) I thought about meeting her outside and walking her in... but I decided most of this is up to her, and her actions.
She does not see me, ( I'm in plain view) sits at another table, then she sees me , gets up to walk over and sit with me, and Jeff walks up to her. She readily puts her arm around him and speaks with him.
The other women are watching this... eyes role!
She then sits next to me. I give her a polite hello, and immediately she is dancing with the other men ( that's okay- there are certain dances that I don't know yet)
However... It's not long until she is dancing with Jeff. he even had the audacity to come up behind my back, where I could not see him and ask her to dance. She agreed and went back behind me, out on the dance floor. There are many other men for her to dance with. She has very poor boundaries, and/ or is a player and/or used me to make Jeff jealous.
Do you think people are noticing this? of course they are! this same women (Ava) told me "I don't want to be in the middle of some drama like that, or associate with it in any way. I just want to enjoy life and dance. I don't want to create to much drama that's associated with me. I'm just not that type of person. I'm angry that he did this to me". Really ,I don't want to be" the talk of the town".
Ava had previously said to me " I do not get into fights and arguments, and try to behave in a proper respectful way always. That's what I expect from others. So it stresses me greatly to be in the middle of it".
My opinion? Ava certainly put herself in the middle of it, being such a "player-manipulator!" She likes to play the 'victim' card. It makes me wonder what " the other side of the story" is from all her previous divorces?
I stepped outside, called a friend on the phone. It was over between Ava and me, I'd seen enough. Then went back inside and danced with 5 other ladies, ignoring Ava, and leaving without speaking to her. One of the other ladies said to me " just try to not think about her and have a good time". That's exactly what I did !
And ... I finally got out there and learned the Samba line dance with this same woman ( great to have a good friend when needed!)
6) Monday : Ava sent me a text " Sorry I didn't have a chance to dance with you more last night"
7) Monday night: I texted her back
" I don't think you and I are a good match. We have different goals and values. No more dating between us, would be best for both of us. I would like it if we could continue to have a dance together when we are both at a dance studio. I wish you much happiness in your future relationship(s)!"
I quickly got a response:
"Yes, you are correct, we do not match. But I will still dance with you if I see you at a dance place. Of course you are a very nice guy, yes, lets just be friends because I don't see anything more for us. There is a woman there for you, you will find her one day and I'd be happy for you."
She's welcome to date all the 83 yr. old Stalker men she wants! Ava says she's 51 yrs old? ( I'm 58)
8) Since this is being posted in the After divorce good and bad stories I wanted to mention the sex part.
We've known each other for a little less than a month. WE only got to go out once for some alone time, and that was dinner, and then back to her house for a short visit. She had a 10 day vacation trip. There was Hurricane Ian. ( she went and stayed with 'a friend' a guy... probably Jeff...at this point, who cares!!)
I went to her house for a party.
She came to my house for a brief introduction. We had discussed practicing dancing at each others houses. Jeff the stalker ruined that evening.
Ava was late 5 times , 100% of the time. I invited her, asked her out 4 other times for some one on one time outside of dance night at dance studios. I was rejected every time, avoided, yet we would meet the next day, or that night at dance.
One thing we talked very little about was intimacy and sex for me and her. I'm actually pleased and proud of myself that I held off on it. No need to go there too soon until I know more about a person.
I don't drop my pants for just anybody!! LOL. ( and serious at the same time!)
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 11, 2022 17:30:01 GMT -5
I'm glad that you stopped considering her relationship material. The 2nd time of her being substantially late would have been enough for me to end the relationship. She immediately showed you who she is. Why did you pursue a relationship with her for so long? Did you not trust your gut?
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 11, 2022 17:50:05 GMT -5
I'm glad that you stopped considering her relationship material. The 2nd time of her being substantially late would have been enough for me to end the relationship. She immediately showed you who she is. Why did you pursue a relationship with her for so long? Did you not trust your gut? In the beginning , being late is more of a 'yellow flag'. She did communicate, call me and tell me she was running late. I'm one to give ' 3 strikes'. and give someone a chance to explain themselves. Lets reflect back a bit.... I come from 25 yrs of marriage. Then a steady three year relationship. Still new at dating and forming new relationships. ( new ground for me after 10 months of healing from my last woman's fear of commitment/bolting) I think it's natural to want the best and give some one a 'clean slate' when starting to date. We want it to work out so much in the beginning, we make many allowances that we would never allow for another person in our lives. If I hired someone and they where always late, didn't show up at all,changed plans or their words don't meet their actions. Their would be no overthinking it. Find another service provider and put that person in our outer circle. It's hard to just move on to another person when there is no other person. Plus... it took a few days to put all the pieces together! So long? What do you mean? All this happened in a matter of 7 days.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 11, 2022 19:47:08 GMT -5
Hot dang. This south Florida salsa dating pool is not for the feint of heart. I could barely keep track of the story. Lol Have fun out there. I tend to use a little inverse psychology when meeting people. I assume that we won't click until they prove me wrong. Too many flaky people out there. Part two of " As The Salsa Bar Turns!" (much of this is me journaling- hopefully there are life lessons that others can relate to, or learn from!) 1) Friday evening: (3 days after the creepy elderly man followed me home - I will call him Jeff-not his real name) we meet at the dance studio where Ava (not her real name) takes her lessons. Ava wants to introduce me to her friends. Ava wants me there on time for the beginning lesson (Polka). Ava is making German potato salad to bring. Ava shows up 1 1/2 hrs late. The lesson lasts an hour. ( 3rd time we've met, 3rd time being substantially late. A 100% track record) Another red flag.Ava posted pictures on Facebook of the SpaceX rocket going off from her backyard, while she's supposed to be at the Polka dance. (more red flags). Once again, there was another older man who had his arm and hands around her after the dance is over, and kept her for several dances in a row. She gladly stays. Several days ago I invited Ava to an art festival on Saturday. She said " that would be nice. I would like that, let's do that". Friday evening she tells me, " I can't make it, I have a previous commitment with my Zumba class".I'm not impressed with these last minute cancellations! Another red flag. I leave without saying goodbye, noticing a trend and am less and less interested in being with her. BACKTRACKING TWO DAYS HERE:2) Wednesday night: Ava said " I am sure I will see Jeff again at dance events. Can't avoid that. Yes, he has some romantic interest in me, been going on for a while, but I've always said no. I guess I saw red flags" . Then she tells me " I'm getting ready to go to dinner for a friends birthday". (looking back in hindsight it makes me wonder if she was seeing Jeff....again. ) 3) Thursday night: Ava could have easily joined me for dance lessons at the studio I go too. Me and others have invited her. She turned it down , said she had " too many other things to do. That she was going to sign up and start taking a Thursday night Spanish class",and waited until late Thursday night to text me 'Hope you had a nice evening, I went to Southside ( another dance studio near me) I just got home." ( probably with Jeff or some other guy from months ago. Another red flag to not trust her words.) 4 )Saturday night: We meet at the dance studio where I get my private lessons. The place where we were introduced to each other. Once again she is over an hour late. Another red flag 4th time- I've gotten used to it.. On Friday I had also invited Ava to go jet-skiing with me Sunday morning. Like before I had gotten a ' that would be fun, let's do that!" She waits until late Saturday night to tell me " I can't go, but lets go, next Sunday for sure".I walk her to her car and tell her " I want to have some one on one time with you, but you're always too busy. From now on you will have to make the plans, it's up to you, I'm available, and make time for you."She responds " You're the one who's working, I have the time. I can change my schedule. I'm flexible".Fancy word salad! But judge someone by their actions. My " goodbye" to her is much more formal and distant. 5) Sunday night: NOW COMES THE GOOD PART! LOT"S OF DRAMA!I am at the Moose Lodge for the regular Sunday night class/dance. Ava is going to meet me there (I did not speak with her all day. I'm less and less interested in being rejected!) Jeff is there! He takes a seat at the table behind me. I avoid him and say nothing to him all night. I change tables where I can see everyone. Word has already spread about avoiding Jeff the stalker, and for the women to not dance with him. Before the lesson starts I am informing another woman (who is friends on Facebook with Jeff) about his stalking. She 'informs me/enlightens me" of many new things! She tells me " There are two sides to every story. Ava is quite the PLAYER! Just this past Saturday her and Jeff came together to the 75th anniversary ball." Jack paid for her ticket and invited her. (A date, right?) They have been dating for some time now. And months before that she was going out with another older man! ( I found Pictures on Facebook in Ava's file of the 75th anniversary ball and their it is! Pics of Ava and Jeff together, just 3 days before the stalking incident. Remember... she had told me, " I haven't been seeing anyone since my divorce 9 months ago. I'm finally ready to start dating again."Then Ava entered the room. ( an hour late... again) I thought about meeting her outside and walking her in... but I decided most of this is up to her, and her actions. She does not see me, ( I'm in plain view) sits at another table, then she sees me , gets up to walk over and sit with me, and Jeff walks up to her. She readily puts her arm around him and speaks with him. The other women are watching this... eyes role! She then sits next to me. I give her a polite hello, and immediately she is dancing with the other men ( that's okay- there are certain dances that I don't know yet) However... It's not long until she is dancing with Jeff. he even had the audacity to come up behind my back, where I could not see him and ask her to dance. She agreed and went back behind me, out on the dance floor. There are many other men for her to dance with. She has very poor boundaries, and/ or is a player and/or used me to make Jeff jealous. Do you think people are noticing this? of course they are! this same women (Ava) told me "I don't want to be in the middle of some drama like that, or associate with it in any way. I just want to enjoy life and dance. I don't want to create to much drama that's associated with me. I'm just not that type of person. I'm angry that he did this to me". Really ,I don't want to be" the talk of the town".Ava had previously said to me " I do not get into fights and arguments, and try to behave in a proper respectful way always. That's what I expect from others. So it stresses me greatly to be in the middle of it".My opinion? Ava certainly put herself in the middle of it, being such a "player-manipulator!" She likes to play the 'victim' card. It makes me wonder what " the other side of the story" is from all her previous divorces? I stepped outside, called a friend on the phone. It was over between Ava and me, I'd seen enough. Then went back inside and danced with 5 other ladies, ignoring Ava, and leaving without speaking to her. One of the other ladies said to me " just try to not think about her and have a good time". That's exactly what I did ! And ... I finally got out there and learned the Samba line dance with this same woman ( great to have a good friend when needed!) 6) Monday : Ava sent me a text " Sorry I didn't have a chance to dance with you more last night" 7) Monday night: I texted her back " I don't think you and I are a good match. We have different goals and values. No more dating between us, would be best for both of us. I would like it if we could continue to have a dance together when we are both at a dance studio. I wish you much happiness in your future relationship(s)!"
I quickly got a response:
"Yes, you are correct, we do not match. But I will still dance with you if I see you at a dance place. Of course you are a very nice guy, yes, lets just be friends because I don't see anything more for us. There is a woman there for you, you will find her one day and I'd be happy for you."She's welcome to date all the 83 yr. old Stalker men she wants! Ava says she's 51 yrs old? ( I'm 58) 8) Since this is being posted in the After divorce good and bad stories I wanted to mention the sex part. We've known each other for a little less than a month. WE only got to go out once for some alone time, and that was dinner, and then back to her house for a short visit. She had a 10 day vacation trip. There was Hurricane Ian. ( she went and stayed with 'a friend' a guy... probably Jeff...at this point, who cares!!) I went to her house for a party. She came to my house for a brief introduction. We had discussed practicing dancing at each others houses. Jeff the stalker ruined that evening. Ava was late 5 times , 100% of the time. I invited her, asked her out 4 other times for some one on one time outside of dance night at dance studios. I was rejected every time, avoided, yet we would meet the next day, or that night at dance. One thing we talked very little about was intimacy and sex for me and her. I'm actually pleased and proud of myself that I held off on it. No need to go there too soon until I know more about a person. I don't drop my pants for just anybody!! LOL. ( and serious at the same time!)
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Post by warmways on Oct 11, 2022 20:17:05 GMT -5
I can understand that when you’re dating it’s hard to see it objectively and you want it to work out so much that you try to give the benefit of the doubt. You made the right call to end it when you did. It’s easy to be objective from the outside and less so when you’re so involved / invested. It’s tough to learn this way but good for you for trying. Dating gives us more experience - helps us understand what’s unacceptable and brings focus to our values.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 11, 2022 20:47:21 GMT -5
I can understand that when you’re dating it’s hard to see it objectively and you want it to work out so much that you try to give the benefit of the doubt. You made the right call to end it when you did. It’s easy to be objective from the outside and less so when you’re so involved / invested. It’s tough to learn this way but good for you for trying. Dating gives us more experience - helps us understand what’s unacceptable and brings focus to our values. Thanks very much! I do want to discuss the "dating experience" and what's acceptable. In short - I'm the kind who is going to date one person at a time. Working towards a long term commitment. Not someone who is dating multiple people at the same time. I understand having a social life, and many activities so you can meet that 'special someone' but... what then? You need to have some one on one time to make that someone feel special! Most important : Actions speak louder than words, and have boundaries. It's too confusing to be with someone who says one thing and does another....
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 11, 2022 20:51:31 GMT -5
greatcoastal said: "If I hired someone and they where always late, didn't show up at all,changed plans or their words don't meet their actions. Their would be no overthinking it. Find another service provider and put that person in our outer circle.
It's hard to just move on to another person when there is no other person."
I'd rather be single than to settle for a person who was chronically late and inconsiderate. I don't like to waste my time. When people first start dating, they are on their best behavior. If someone is hours late or cancels at the last minute, unless there's an obvious emergency, I'd move on. Things will only go downhill if one doesn't.
Also, if an emergency came up and one knows one will be hours late for a date, then offer to reschedule. Don't expect your date to keep waiting for you. I would not wait for someone 3 hours late nor would I expect someone to do that for me.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 11, 2022 21:26:19 GMT -5
It's hard to just move on to another person when there is no other person." I'd rather be single than to settle for a person who was chronically late and inconsiderate. I don't like to waste my time. When people first start dating, they are on their best behavior. If someone is hours late or cancels at the last minute, unless there's an obvious emergency, I'd move on. Things will only go downhill if one doesn't. Also, if an emergency came up and one knows one will be hours late for a date, then offer to reschedule. Don't expect your date to keep waiting for you. I would not wait for someone 3 hours late nor would I expect someone to do that for me. I did end it, ( moving on) and am free to find someone else, in or out of this little dancing community. However I intend to continue taking dance lessons. I did offer her other things to do outside of dance, she seems not ready for it, or too caught up with these older men? ( they are old eneough to be my father) At most dance studios ( their are 4 of them near me) group lessons are an hour long from 7:00pm to 8:00pm, then 2 hours of dance to about 15 to 20 different dances. The crowd begins to thin out around 9:30pm. Some people have work the next day, many others are retired and will go dancing later into the night at a local bar. ( I'm the one who has work the next day, and is done around 9:30pm) Ava talked a good game... was supposed to be there for the lesson. ( but that wasn't her actions) Which would have meant more one on one dancing with me, learning together. Instead she showed up when the bigger crowd is there, the more experienced dancers and they are used to dancing with her and her with them. One last little piece of info... Ava has had lessons in competition dancing, learning a routine with her instructor. That gets you used to dancing one way with the same person all the time. ( her instructor likes to get her money that way, and, I guess, she likes the attention) So... she really dances poorly when it comes to her form ,and knowing timing and the basics well enough to dance with different people regularly. When I ask her to show me how to do a certain dance or step? all she can tell me is " I basically follow. I'm learning that many of the men dance very differently"
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 11, 2022 22:40:21 GMT -5
greatcoastal: " I did end it, ( moving on) and am free to find someone else, in or out of this little dancing community. However I intend to continue taking dance lessons.
I did offer her other things to do outside of dance, she seems not ready for it, or too caught up with these older men? ( they are old eneough to be my father)"
Again, I don't understand why you spent so much time and energy pursuing any kind of relationship -- even a mere friendship -- with a woman who was so grossly inconsiderate and among other things a liar. From the very beginning, she treated you like you didn't matter. If someone treats you like that from the beginning -- that's as good as it's going to get. Don't waste your time. Look at all that you have written about a woman who literally treated you like dirt. During the time you spent waiting for her, thinking about her, analyzing her, you were making yourself unavailable to probably the many people who would have treated you with courtesy and respect. Absolutely nothing that you've written about her indicates she is capable of or interested in a healthy relationship. All she offered was drama and misery. Honestly, she sounds very similar to your last girlfriend -- the one who kept vanishing from your life. Believe it when you see a red flag, and run in the opposite direction. Don't stick around to see what comes next.
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Post by heelots on Oct 11, 2022 23:17:28 GMT -5
greatcoastal: " I did end it, ( moving on) and am free to find someone else, in or out of this little dancing community. However I intend to continue taking dance lessons. I did offer her other things to do outside of dance, she seems not ready for it, or too caught up with these older men? ( they are old eneough to be my father)" Again, I don't understand why you spent so much time and energy pursuing any kind of relationship -- even a mere friendship -- with a woman who was so grossly inconsiderate and among other things a liar. From the very beginning, she treated you like you didn't matter. If someone treats you like that from the beginning -- that's as good as it's going to get. Don't waste your time. Look at all that you have written about a woman who literally treated you like dirt. During the time you spent waiting for her, thinking about her, analyzing her, you were making yourself unavailable to probably the many people who would have treated you with courtesy and respect. Absolutely nothing that you've written about her indicates she is capable of or interested in a healthy relationship. All she offered was drama and misery. Honestly, she sounds very similar to your last girlfriend -- the one who kept vanishing from your life. Believe it when you see a red flag, and run in the opposite direction. Don't stick around to see what comes next. True that!
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 12, 2022 9:02:09 GMT -5
northstarmom. I get what you are saying eventhough it may come across a little harsh for someone who is here journalling. I like GC's style actually. He puts a lot of energy into his "chase". There is a woman out there who will be very appreciative of his vibe. I think the important thing here is GC cut bait pretty early in the process. greatcoastal: " I did end it, ( moving on) and am free to find someone else, in or out of this little dancing community. However I intend to continue taking dance lessons. I did offer her other things to do outside of dance, she seems not ready for it, or too caught up with these older men? ( they are old eneough to be my father)" Again, I don't understand why you spent so much time and energy pursuing any kind of relationship -- even a mere friendship -- with a woman who was so grossly inconsiderate and among other things a liar. From the very beginning, she treated you like you didn't matter. If someone treats you like that from the beginning -- that's as good as it's going to get. Don't waste your time. Look at all that you have written about a woman who literally treated you like dirt. During the time you spent waiting for her, thinking about her, analyzing her, you were making yourself unavailable to probably the many people who would have treated you with courtesy and respect. Absolutely nothing that you've written about her indicates she is capable of or interested in a healthy relationship. All she offered was drama and misery. Honestly, she sounds very similar to your last girlfriend -- the one who kept vanishing from your life. Believe it when you see a red flag, and run in the opposite direction. Don't stick around to see what comes next.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 12, 2022 15:25:59 GMT -5
I can understand that when you’re dating it’s hard to see it objectively and you want it to work out so much that you try to give the benefit of the doubt. You made the right call to end it when you did. It’s easy to be objective from the outside and less so when you’re so involved / invested. It’s tough to learn this way but good for you for trying. Dating gives us more experience - helps us understand what’s unacceptable and brings focus to our values. Thanks very much! I do want to discuss the "dating experience" and what's acceptable. In short - I'm the kind who is going to date one person at a time. Working towards a long term commitment. Not someone who is dating multiple people at the same time. I understand having a social life, and many activities so you can meet that 'special someone' but... what then? You need to have some one on one time to make that someone feel special! Most important : Actions speak louder than words, and have boundaries. It's too confusing to be with someone who says one thing and does another.... Anyone else on this forum who has had "dating experiences" after a divorce from a SM? Please share your experiences and what you learn from them. In many ways ,dating again at an older age seems impossible! So many different barriers to overcome, compared to dating right after High School!
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 13, 2022 6:23:00 GMT -5
In short - I'm the kind who is going to date one person at a time. Working towards a long term commitment. Not someone who is dating multiple people at the same time. I understand having a social life, and many activities so you can meet that 'special someone' but... what then? Part of the appeal of the ground rules of your dance halls, at least for some people, I'd imagine, is that switching partners is the norm and to be expected. "Pairing up" is not prioritized and subtly discouraged. Fortunately, Ava ate very little of your time, but what if you'd had these terrific walks in the park with four or five women and could discover, slowly, which was optimal for you? You need not sleep with more than one at a time. In times before reliable birth control, dating multiple people at the same time was de rigueur. Sleeping with any of them was scandalous, unless you married. Of course, the decision process may delay resumption of an intimate love life, but perhaps worth it? Or, perhaps you'll find the decision is taken out of your hands and more than one of them takes what they want from you in wanton lust; no voicing of expectations made. Would you refuse these women intimate companionship they crave? If none of them make their move on you, you can slowly whittle the field down. Your take-it-slow approach is reportedly uncommon in today's world and may enflame ladies unaccustomed to proper gentlemen. "I'm the kind who is going to date one person at a time."
Sure. But why? And are you sure that's still a good thing in the 21st century? To each his own, but is it a considered stance? Or internalized societal expectations?
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 13, 2022 8:54:06 GMT -5
In short - I'm the kind who is going to date one person at a time. Working towards a long term commitment. Not someone who is dating multiple people at the same time. I understand having a social life, and many activities so you can meet that 'special someone' but... what then? Part of the appeal of the ground rules of your dance halls, at least for some people, I'd imagine, is that switching partners is the norm and to be expected. "Pairing up" is not prioritized and subtly discouraged. Fortunately, Ava ate very little of your time, but what if you'd had these terrific walks in the park with four or five women and could discover, slowly, which was optimal for you? You need not sleep with more than one at a time. In times before reliable birth control, dating multiple people at the same time was de rigueur. Sleeping with any of them was scandalous, unless you married. Of course, the decision process may delay resumption of an intimate love life, but perhaps worth it? Or, perhaps you'll find the decision is taken out of your hands and more than one of them takes what they want from you in wanton lust; no voicing of expectations made. Would you refuse these women intimate companionship they crave? If none of them make their move on you, you can slowly whittle the field down. Your take-it-slow approach is reportedly uncommon in today's world and may enflame ladies unaccustomed to proper gentlemen. "I'm the kind who is going to date one person at a time."
Sure. But why? And are you sure that's still a good thing in the 21st century? To each his own, but is it a considered stance? Or internalized societal expectations? Thanks so much for your input! Love your questions! You really know how to get a conversation going! Yes ,switching partners is the norm. Then their are the married couples who are there to learn together. They are allowed to stay together,and you go around them and switch partners. Then later in the evenings when it's "open dance" time there's the Highly experienced, the intermediates, and the beginners, we tend to know and find each other. (me? I fall into the beginner/intermediate category) Side note: anyone reading this who wants to learn how to dance, don't be afraid. There are plenty of good ,kind , people who fall into the intermediate/advanced category who will ask you to dance and gladly teach you!
I've lost track of how many times I've been told " That's okay, you're learning. We where all beginners at one time..Good for you that you're out here trying. How long have you been dancing? 3 weeks! You have great form , rhythm and timing, you pick it up quick, you're better than half the men out here, you'll do great!"Terrific walks in the park? A couple thoughts on that: In today's 'dating world' first comes Finding that person, being introduced to that person, then the texting/phone conversations. Then comes the meeting in public places. Then , eventually, comes the 'terrific walks in the park'-after the trust has been established. That takes time. We are talking 3rd date, or more. Hard to do all that with 4 or 5 women at a time/ Easier with one at a time. Side note: I offered Ava these 'walks in the park' and she's too busy. Why? Because she's dating other people and loaded with activities! No thank you!Yes, dating multiple people at one time was more common. People seem more busy now, and I get asked a lot " are you dating anyone else?". At my age women/people are more Leary of a player. There are 2 different women that I will be meeting, divorced or widowed. Side note: While Ava was off to California I went to a bar that teaches Salsa lessons. Ava said " let's go there soon " and others at my dance studio invite me there. We are changing partners during the lesson. One of the women tells me her name ( a common practice) then said " you're good, better than the other guys, can I stay and dance with you/ I'm just learning this?. I say "okay! This is my first time". Then comes 'open dance' time she dances 4 more dances with me. ( I showed her the basic steps to Rumba) I soon find out she is married and right in the middle of her divorce, looking to buy a house.... A red flag! I'd like to meet her again, a year from now. The night I was with Ava and Jeff she was there! She remembered my name! And said " I wanted to say goodbye to you the other night" we danced one song and i went back to Ava, then Ava and I walked past her , together to go out and be together at the restaurant. Would I refuse women intimate companionship if they crave it? Yes I do! I have and will. Why? Because I refuse to be a pawn, used as a weapon for revenge, or get caught up with a woman who is love bombing me for another narcissistic relationship! I don't drop my pants for just anybody! I want to know there's going to be many other times after that and it's going to have meaning: trust and commitment.I spent a few months on Bumble and Match. I accumulated over 90 women who either read my profile, or wrote back to me. ( definitely a good moral boost!) I dated 4 different women at different times. ( one at a time) I could write a lot about that!! I like meeting face to face, and being introduced better than on line. There's just too much dishonesty out there! far too many women ( and men) who are either still married, lying on their pics, and profile, want a sugar daddy ( or mamma) or aren't interested in dating/ a relationship at all! They are just playing the field to get a moral boost to see who likes them. Side note: How can these woman say; I love to travel! Love being on a yacht. Play golf, tennis, pickle ball. Fine dining . Dancing. I Am well traveled to 40 different countries. My family is my life. I love my dogs. I exercise 5 times a week. I own my own business. I am divorced and want a man in my life, I'm a great cook, I can drink you under the table,,I enjoy a quiet evening at home.No one has that kind of time for all those things! Then I got far too many women who live 1 1/2 drive away from me interested in dating. Distance is a built in barrier. A barrier commonly used by a commitment phobic. I did the math. if you figure 3% of the population near me are women who are within 50 to 60 yrs old, divorced or widowed, and live within 10 to 15 miles the number is 4500! That's enough fish in the sea to choose from!
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 13, 2022 11:38:24 GMT -5
Terrific walks in the park?I like meeting face to face, and being introduced better than on line. There's just too much dishonesty out there! far too many women ( and men) who are either still married, lying on their pics, and profile, want a sugar daddy ( or mamma) or aren't interested in dating/ a relationship at all! They are just playing the field to get a moral boost to see who likes them. Side note: How can these woman say; I love to travel! Love being on a yacht. Play golf, tennis, pickle ball. Fine dining . Dancing. I Am well traveled to 40 different countries. My family is my life. I love my dogs. I exercise 5 times a week. I own my own business. I am divorced and want a man in my life, I'm a great cook, I can drink you under the table,,I enjoy a quiet evening at home.No one has that kind of time for all those things! Then I got far too many women who live 1 1/2 drive away from me interested in dating. Distance is a built in barrier. A barrier commonly used by a commitment phobic. I did the math. if you figure 3% of the population near me are women who are within 50 to 60 yrs old, divorced or widowed, and live within 10 to 15 miles the number is 4500! That's enough fish in the sea to choose from greatcoastal you have nailed on-line dating to a T. I have lost track of how many profiles describe their current state as "living life to the fullest". If that's the case, I won't be knocking on that door. Clearly there's no room for me or really any other male in your life. And you are definitely dead on when you speak about women just there for the ego boost from being pursued. Lots of women probably do like to travel. But they want to do it on your credit card. Lots of women looking for a sugar daddy. When I was on POF 6-7 yrs. ago I was often messaged by women who lived 100 to 200 miles away. It took me a while to figure out why. It's so they really don't have to worry about actually dating. They know the distance is going to prohibit that 99% of the time. And 4500 potential ladies in the pond. WOW ...I live in a really rural area. I doubt there are anywhere near that number of widowed, divorced women who might actually be available. And far fewer who are still interested in intimacy.
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