Podcasts

"Addressing Sexless Marriage - Part 1" by CSL.



drive.google.com/file/d/15E9CW7aOhyHgbIU3hBa3oweYI-jYHIr5/view?usp=sharing


NOTE: Some ILIASM members may need to download it first, then play it from their desktop.

I was listening in the car and missed some parts so I'm wondering whose voice is on this? Is it csl reading his own blog or someone else reading it?

The voices make it quite pleasant to listen to but the content isn't my thing. I don't identify with csl's religious perspective so the episodes based on the 'curmudgeonly librarian' blog posts aren't my cup of tea at all. The USA seems to have a lot of strict, bible believing, Christian folk so I've no doubt there's an audience there. Is there a plan for episodes covering sexless marriage issues without the religious context? Fair play to you all for making an effort to reach people though; hopefully someone will be helped by it.

Episode 8

"Worse Than a Plucked Chicken" by CSL., sequel to "Plucked Chicken, Anyone"


drive.google.com/file/d/17CBbF2vOwp-li5UsthmfZrRLeV0yfIJc/view?usp=sharing

NOTE: Some ILIASM members may need to download it first, then play it from their desktop.

Early in this thread, I supplied the opening set of questions that start the interview process.
I hereby submit my own answers in the spirit of: "Don't ask anyone to do anything you wouldn't."

Please respond with follow up questions.

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"Tell us a bit about your marriage history."




Mrs. Mirrororchid and I met 27 years ago and have been married for 24. Dated a year, engaged a year, first baby months later, and she got hit with clinical depression after my second daughter. That put our love life in a slow spiral over the course of fifteen years.


"At what point did you start telling yourself the refusals were a problem?"



In December 2015, I wondered to myself just how bad it was and started tracking how little sex there was between us and found we'd be getting together once every three months. Seasons changed as often as we were intimate. 




"What, if anything, did you do or are you doing to fix the low sex environment?"




When I started the tracking, I found we'd made love four times in 2016, and 2017 wasn't shaping up to be much better. In February I explained that the situation was untenable and my words in a low growl were, "This will not stand."
Nothing changed, so I started researching online dating.
Just taking action towards resuming a normal love life made the whole situation more tolerable. I spent the next year trying out Tinder, Coffee Meets Bagel, Bumble, and OKcupid. I registered at Plenty of Fish and they refuse to allow married people to date. They tell you to go to effing Ashley Madison. The one with the logo of a woman putting  a finger to her lips. I wasn't going to be secret about it, so anyone wanting to meet a cheater? Go to Plenty of Fish, no honest married men there. Only liars.

Anyway, OKcupid allows you to request matchups with married women only. I didn't want a divorce and I didn't want a woman with no primary partner, so I focused on that. It didn't hurt that I got no leads at Tinder or Bumble. My ad said up front I was married and I came to learn that pretty much only the top 20% of men in physical looks get any swipes. I don't know where I rank, but even if I'm in the 20%, my married status clearly sent me flying left even if I made it onto any of the ladies' "Maybe" lists.

I was messaging women at OKcupid by summer of 2018 and getting some nibbles. My first date was August 2018 but waited a year before lining up a second date because I'd been neglecting my wife which was definitely a mistake. My wife asked if I was going to date again and I said yes, January 2020.

That crazy woman reset. Hard. Still going after 15 months. I would have lost a bet if anyone asked me if I thought it would last.


"Do you have plans to execute over the coming months or years?"


As the reset went on longer and longer I started asking myself what my hard line was and I'd decided three weeks was about the limit of my patience. At that point I was usually getting obsessed catching glimpses of co-workers bodies. I have class about it. I don't stare and I'm pretty careful never to be caught in my lust, but I was rather annoyed it got that bad. A married man shouldn't have such constant harassing thoughts. CSL's essay "Shot Across the Bow" on the *REFUSED* podcast captures the anger over needless temptation.
That's the point at which I was ready to plan a date. Now that the reset has gone fifteen months, I'm not ready to just throw a grenade that way. I'd actually express my desire, offer a chance to reignite things before resuming dating. I haven't asked her for sex for the entire time of the reset. I can let her know I desire her before I weigh anchor. She deserves to be asked sometimes too.


"If you could, what would you tell yourself (1) before getting married and (2) at the time you noticed the sexlessness problem arising?"

Getting married in 1997 is a different matter than today. Non-monogamy was freakish. Discussing it ahead of time would have been madness. Not only might the wedding not go forward but your prospects for any marriage was likely shot if you were going to hedge your bets that way.
I suppose I'd warn myself about her clinical depression. That was the worst surprise of anything. The sexlessness comes from that to at least some degree. 
I guess I could tell myself "She won't agree to let you see anyone but her, but it comes through okay in the end."  Ask me that same question a year or two from now, and my answer may change.
In the same vein, I'd tell myself in December 2015, "You're on the right track. Go with your gut."


Okay, readers, ask me follow up questions. 
Any details you want?