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Post by ironhamster on Dec 19, 2018 7:58:08 GMT -5
@whynotm3 , when he "says the right things," is he specific? I think there is a huge difference between the vague talking about meeting some need, and specific dirtiness in words, indicating specific wild and raunchy things you might like. If they are not willing to be specific, there is no way to know if they get it, but my bet is that they don't. @ ironhamster ... not sure exactly what you mean, but the specifics we talked about and I insisted needed changed were spontaneous sex when the children were home (he has always refused sex when they are home because, "I'm too loud" ... this is nonsense after trying twice before and proving to him I didn't always need to bang my fists on the damn headboard. Christ, I'm not an idiot! The scheduled sex needed to change, too, to more spontaneous so I felt like he actually wanted me and wasn't just fitting me in because it had been 'a while' and he felt obligated. More random physical affection and flirtiness. I also told him I MUST be able to randomly approach him and refused to just sit and wait until he was ready to approach me. At present, I'm often times afraid to go initiate for fear of another rejection. I said if I come to you, at reasonable periods of time, you must oblige in at least trying. if you haven't taken your pill and don't function, fine, but you must at least reciprocate with some physical affection towards me. The next day I was walking down the stairs and he was coming up. We stopped, I kissed him, he kissed me back, hugged me then grabbed my ass in the best of ways. I acknowledged that and said I loved when he did that .... but then followed it up with a "it'd be nice if that lasted more than 3 weeks" then kissed him strong again and continued down the stairs. That was my way of saying thank you for that, that's what I'm looking for, but it can't be a temporary thing. This needs to be a permanent (or more often than not) change. Not sure if that is specific enough or what you meant, but that's where we started. Obviously, this is a work in progress, but I know I must keep my foot on the gas pedal or we will surely slide right back to where we were which, I've made clear, is unacceptable and will not be tolerated, regardless of whether I love him / he loves me, or not. If I've missed your point, please clarify. Oh. (Smiles) Allow me to be more specific. My point might not apply to you. Some refusers have talked about the sexual needs of their spouse, but they will say vague things like they want to meet their needs. The spouse has expressed their needs, how they want to be intimate and how often and in graphic terms, but the refuser won't even acknowledge either. Imagine telling your spouse you wanted an hour of multiple position sex at least twice a week, and your spouse lovingly responded about your needs but never suggested which piece of furniture you wanted to tear each other up on. Just, vaguely, meeting your needs, whatever they think that might mean. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2018 8:20:44 GMT -5
@ ironhamster ... not sure exactly what you mean, but the specifics we talked about and I insisted needed changed were spontaneous sex when the children were home (he has always refused sex when they are home because, "I'm too loud" ... this is nonsense after trying twice before and proving to him I didn't always need to bang my fists on the damn headboard. Christ, I'm not an idiot! The scheduled sex needed to change, too, to more spontaneous so I felt like he actually wanted me and wasn't just fitting me in because it had been 'a while' and he felt obligated. More random physical affection and flirtiness. I also told him I MUST be able to randomly approach him and refused to just sit and wait until he was ready to approach me. At present, I'm often times afraid to go initiate for fear of another rejection. I said if I come to you, at reasonable periods of time, you must oblige in at least trying. if you haven't taken your pill and don't function, fine, but you must at least reciprocate with some physical affection towards me. The next day I was walking down the stairs and he was coming up. We stopped, I kissed him, he kissed me back, hugged me then grabbed my ass in the best of ways. I acknowledged that and said I loved when he did that .... but then followed it up with a "it'd be nice if that lasted more than 3 weeks" then kissed him strong again and continued down the stairs. That was my way of saying thank you for that, that's what I'm looking for, but it can't be a temporary thing. This needs to be a permanent (or more often than not) change. Not sure if that is specific enough or what you meant, but that's where we started. Obviously, this is a work in progress, but I know I must keep my foot on the gas pedal or we will surely slide right back to where we were which, I've made clear, is unacceptable and will not be tolerated, regardless of whether I love him / he loves me, or not. If I've missed your point, please clarify. Oh. (Smiles) Allow me to be more specific. My point might not apply to you. Some refusers have talked about the sexual needs of their spouse, but they will say vague things like they want to meet their needs. The spouse has expressed their needs, how they want to be intimate and how often and in graphic terms, but the refuser won't even acknowledge either. Imagine telling your spouse you wanted an hour of multiple position sex at least twice a week, and your spouse lovingly responded about your needs but never suggested which piece of furniture you wanted to tear each other up on. Just, vaguely, meeting your needs, whatever they think that might mean. Understood ...  At this stage of the game I am trying very hard to not be vague in any way, shape or form. All is on the line and there can be no room for miscommunication. I refuse to go around this merry go round too many more times. Either he will get it or he won't. |
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Jan 17, 2019 19:11:03 GMT -5
I hope you have retained a lawyer. You have fallen for the classic trap. She has sweet talked you into confessing your indescretions. She will most likely try to blame you and your affair for the failure of your marriage.
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Post by justadude on Nov 9, 2023 17:14:29 GMT -5
Since shynjdude deleted his account, so won't be posting any more questions of the day, I'll ask one: Do you think Mr. and Mrs. shynjdude will be happily married (to each other) 5 years from now? Since I'm generally optimistic, and because I think his marriage, recently, has been pretty healthy, I'm betting YES. Former "shynjdude" here! Well, we are close to the five year mark, so I can answer.... In general, we are happily married. But life threw a curveball, so my experience won't be as useful around here as one might hope. For a year or so, our sex life was OK. Nothing adventurous but I was fine with it. If she was hurting, she would still manually stimulate me, which suited me just fine. We continued (and still continue) to communicate well with each other, even though we are worlds apart in many ways. But then, over the next year or so, I lost my libido. It's so weird. I remember exactly how much I craved sex, and now....maybe 10% of what it was before. I don't even know how long it's been since we did the deed, probably 2-3 years now. (Yes, I remember counting the days/months in the old days. ) I'm fine with it. And so is she. Ironically, she wants to cuddle more than I do. I won't refuse, of course! Sometimes I worry - is this depression I'm suppressing? I don't think so. I take testosterone, and I was much hornier back in my ILIASM days without it than I am today with. Maybe a medication I'm taking? Not listed as a side effect for any of them. But, it doesn't bother me. (I'll purposely try to take things into my own hands once in a while just to make sure the equipment is working, but even finding the right porn is a challenge!) So that's where we are at. Not sure this qualifies as a turnaround - I guess I'm the one who turned around! - although in one critical way it is a success story, since we are talking and comfortable with each other. (Occasionally we fall into old habits, but stupid arguments are pretty rare nowadays, and we work through them. I give my W credit for 80% of that.) So, I'm sorry, but I have no sage advice besides good communication. Good luck to all of you. I remember the intense frustration, and it truly sucks. I wish you all the best and to find happiness. |
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Post by jamesbonding on Nov 12, 2023 11:02:19 GMT -5
Hey there Former "shynjdude"! Nice to hear from you and nice to hear that things are still going reasonably well for you!
It's been 5 years. Wow!
Things have been going reasonably well for me too. I'm in my early 70s and have noticed some reduction in libido, but I'm not willing to give up on sex yet.
I've rarely dropped in to this forum, but did today because I'm feeling angry/resentful/frustrated because my wife has forbidden me to take Viagra or Cialis - and she can tell when I take them. With those drugs I can have sex as well as I could for most of my adult life, no problem. Without, sex is difficult, doesn't last very long, and is not very satisfactory.
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miestas
Junior Member
Posts: 74 
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by miestas on Nov 12, 2023 11:31:06 GMT -5
Hey there Former "shynjdude"! Nice to hear from you and nice to hear that things are still going reasonably well for you! It's been 5 years. Wow! Things have been going reasonably well for me too. I'm in my early 70s and have noticed some reduction in libido, but I'm not willing to give up on sex yet. I've rarely dropped in to this forum, but did today because I'm feeling angry/resentful/frustrated because my wife has forbidden me to take Viagra or Cialis - and she can tell when I take them. With those drugs I can have sex as well as I could for most of my adult life, no problem. Without, sex is difficult, doesn't last very long, and is not very satisfactory. What do you mean when she says she “forbids” it? What reason does she give for that? Is sex painful for her when you have a full erection? In that case I can understand her reluctance. If she is close to the same age as you, she may be having a problem with lubrication and is too embarrassed to discuss it. Our generation was always told that talking about sex openly was just never done, much less discussing problems we may be having with it. That would be very easy to fix, and could make it better for both of you. If not that, then although I’m not exactly the poster child for rebellious “FU” attitude, even I don’t let my wife “forbid” me from doing anything that I really want to do. Does she refuse to have sex when you’re on the pill? I may be assuming facts not in evidence, but since you’re on this forum, I assume that she is already refusing sex. Is this a pattern? Is she abusive when you go against her wishes on other things, or just constantly nag and bitch over the topic for days at a time until she wears you down? If so, then, as a quote from an old Tom Selleck prison movie put it, “You don’t have to stand tall in here, but you do have to stand.” Set some boundaries and some lines you won’t let her cross. |
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 14, 2023 3:48:12 GMT -5
Right. "Forbids..." Everybody has their lines they can draw for themselves or not. Without a big sex drive, maybe it's no big deal. I prefer to have a bit in me. Whether sex, masterbation, or anything in-between, the chemical boost is a good thing. Telling a guy not to take it strikes me as off base as telling a woman what shoes she can and can't wear.
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At this stage of the game I am trying very hard to not be vague in any way, shape or form. All is on the line and there can be no room for miscommunication. I refuse to go around this merry go round too many more times. Either he will get it or he won't.
