Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2018 14:26:39 GMT -5
Over the weekend wife and I had another set of pointless arguments and finally I couldn't take it and told her I wanted a divorce. Told her I consulted a couple of lawyers, that I was serious.
My original timeline was to wait until my high-paying consulting gig turned into a lower paying, full time job at the same firm. For two reasons - one is that alimony based on the higher salary whileI become a lower paying employee would wipe me out, and two because I wanted medical insurance for her and she can pay for COBRA after a divorce.
But that timeline is now toast.
She took it reasonably well, and in fact felt that this was the first time I spoke honestly to her (since I was always afraid of her Type-A personality). We spent time talking about it Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. Tuesday night she felt she had to set the record straight on some things and we went over how we interpreted each others' actions over the marriage incorrectly. These were good, honest, and cathartic discussions, and she indicated that she wants to be cooperative.
Her main issue is a couple of medical procedures she needs to have done over the next few months. She wants support for these and is pissed that I announced my intentions now, even though I explained that wasn't my plan. I asked her for a date, since I was worried that these procedures wouldn't fix her problem and I don't want to be stuck forever. (How serious her condition is is another issue - I honestly find it hard to believe it is as dire as she claims, but my not believing her has pissed her off royally. She told me this morning that she hides her pain from me, just like she hides her sadness; I said if I could see her in actual pain I would have been far more responsive....)
Anyway, this morning after a sleepless night and when my defenses were down, she asked me for the fourth time if I ever cheated. I admitted I did.
She took it well to begin with, saying she figured that would explain my more recent confidence, but as the day went on she is admitting to me that she is more and more hurt.
Right now my exit plan is in shambles, I am worried if I act as if she will start hiding money then she will go nuclear, and I want to try to preserve the current atmosphere of working together even as we are struggling with the best thing to do time-wise (sell house now? Do divorce now or wait until after her procedure? Many questions.)
I think any move I make to protect myself now will backfire and start a war. I feel now at a significant disadvantage. I think my priority is to keep her as happy as possible to try to thread the needle of keeping this cool and avoiding huge lawyer fees, which she wants to do.
So...what advice can you give me?
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 11, 2018 14:51:24 GMT -5
Talk to your lawyer ASAP.
You don’t have to be married to support your wife through her medical procedures. Is she covered by your insurance? That can continue -/ for a higher cost- — after the divorce.
As for your wife’s hurt about your divorce, you can choose to point out that she broke her vows by not following through with to have an to hold. You’ve just been roommates, her choice. The hurt she feels now is similar to the betrayal and hurt she caused you to experience.
You could choose to offer to help both of you through the divorce by engaging in couples therapy.
Individual therapy can help you personally cope.
Don’t engage in further talk about your affairs. Due to her being a refuser, your sex life isn’t her business.
Get copies of all financial records. Starting divorce proceedings probably will result in freezing assets so neither of you can hide money or run up debts.
Your wife probably is consulting lawyers now. Consult the best ones you can.if you see them first, your wife can’t use them.
Your wife may be nonvindictive in exchange for your promising support during her surgeries. She has much to lose by alienating you.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Jul 11, 2018 15:00:28 GMT -5
First, don’t beat yourself up. Sometimes things unfold in ways we don’t intend or completely understand. In the end, it is what it is.
Second, make an honest assessment of exactly where / how things are right now. Once you have a clear picture you will be able to sort through it all and start to make decisions about how to proceed.
I suspect one of the first pieces of advice you’re going to get is to consult your lawyer. And maybe one of the first things to address when you see him/her is your job situation. Perhaps the alimony amount can calculated with the change in income in mind—or a provision can be made to reduce it once your income drops.
These are the first things that come to mind.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 11, 2018 15:02:15 GMT -5
Reminding that you wrote this in May:”Over the past few months, however, I have been seriously considering leaving. I've been researching the law and tentatively exploring options.
So when an argument erupted on Monday morning, and my wife threatened divorce, I calmly said that I had no problem with this.
She did what she does - upped the ante, saying she was ready to call the rabbi and a lawyer. I said I'd be happy to be on those phone calls, and that for her information, if she really wanted to get rid of me as soon as possible, I suggested arbitration since all we need to do is split assets (kids are grown) and an expensive court case would end up doing what we could anyway. “
She still tried to up the ante, saying that she'd rather go to court and lose anything than let me have half. I said once again that while it sounded a bit strange, I cannot stop her, so she can feel free to go ....”
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Post by ihadalove on Jul 11, 2018 15:02:53 GMT -5
You need to talk to a lawyer and stop talking to her! How is your state on infidelity and divorce?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2018 15:44:27 GMT -5
Reminding that you wrote this in May:”Over the past few months, however, I have been seriously considering leaving. I've been researching the law and tentatively exploring options. So when an argument erupted on Monday morning, and my wife threatened divorce, I calmly said that I had no problem with this. She did what she does - upped the ante, saying she was ready to call the rabbi and a lawyer. I said I'd be happy to be on those phone calls, and that for her information, if she really wanted to get rid of me as soon as possible, I suggested arbitration since all we need to do is split assets (kids are grown) and an expensive court case would end up doing what we could anyway. “ She still tried to up the ante, saying that she'd rather go to court and lose anything than let me have half. I said once again that while it sounded a bit strange, I cannot stop her, so she can feel free to go ....” As i wrote then, I knew she was bluffing. The entire time since I said the D word she has seemed to honestly want to first slow things down and second try to work things out without starting a war. I don't think she's faking. But we are both very skittish now about everything the other is doing. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2018 15:45:03 GMT -5
You need to talk to a lawyer and stop talking to her! How is your state on infidelity and divorce? Officially, it could be a factor in alimony. Lawyer told me that it never is. |
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Post by shamwow on Jul 11, 2018 17:08:30 GMT -5
A couple questions. Have you spoken with your lawyer about your plans of leaving one gig to the lower one? Depending on your jurisdiction your current salary is just one component of alimony calculations. Judges are kind of wise to this kind of thing and you'll probably have to produce several years of tax returns. If you've consistently made a high salary then this trick won't fool anyone. If this high income is a "blip" then you can use that to justify a lower support amount. I'm guessing you haven't shred this plan with your attorney, didn't listen to their response, or you don't have a very good attorney. Second, if you live in the USA, the tax laws have changed. If your divorce is FINALIZED before 12/31/2018 the support amounts are taxable to your ex. If the divorce is finalized after 1/1/2019 then the support amounts are taxable to you. So? What's the big deal. Let's do some math. Let's say that your ex receives a support payment of 1000 per month and your tax rate is 40 percent. This includes state, local, federal, and FICA taxes. With that boring shit out of the way, here is why that matters. You'll pay 1000 either way, but if it's taxable to her, you essentially deduct 40 percent. So it really costs you 600 per month. If it's taxable to you? It costs you 1400 per month. If you wonder how I know this, it's because I'm helping ballofconfusion with her divorce and am really up to speed on this stuff from conversations with her attorney. I'm on the other side of the aisle this time and we are not necessarily in a hurry to get things done if he isn't. If you're attorney didn't bring this up, you might want to look for a free consult with another attorney. |
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Post by shamwow on Jul 11, 2018 17:10:22 GMT -5
Reminding that you wrote this in May:”Over the past few months, however, I have been seriously considering leaving. I've been researching the law and tentatively exploring options. So when an argument erupted on Monday morning, and my wife threatened divorce, I calmly said that I had no problem with this. She did what she does - upped the ante, saying she was ready to call the rabbi and a lawyer. I said I'd be happy to be on those phone calls, and that for her information, if she really wanted to get rid of me as soon as possible, I suggested arbitration since all we need to do is split assets (kids are grown) and an expensive court case would end up doing what we could anyway. “ She still tried to up the ante, saying that she'd rather go to court and lose anything than let me have half. I said once again that while it sounded a bit strange, I cannot stop her, so she can feel free to go ....” As i wrote then, I knew she was bluffing. The entire time since I said the D word she has seemed to honestly want to first slow things down and second try to work things out without starting a war. I don't think she's faking. But we are both very skittish now about everything the other is doing. Read my last post as to an alternative reason she might want to slow things down. |
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Post by baza on Jul 11, 2018 18:09:35 GMT -5
If your plan was solid on 12 June 2018, then - with a bit of tweaking - it still is now.
If your plan is shakey today, then it was also shakey on 12 June 2018...and proceeding in an under-prepared manner was a tactical error. In which case you have some stuff to undo, and a heap of stuff to re-do - properly - under the guidance of your legal counsel.
What is your lawyer advising you Brother @shynjdude ?
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 11, 2018 18:14:36 GMT -5
“As i wrote then, I knew she was bluffing. The entire time since I said the D word she has seemed to honestly want to first slow things down and second try to work things out without starting a war. I don't think she's faking. But we are both very skittish now about everything the other is doing. ”
It sounds like the Love is gone for both of you but neither wants to divorce now. She wants to wait til after her surgeries. You want to wait til you downsize your job. There is no perfect time to divorce. You can fake patch things up and then she will probably divorce after she has recovered from her surgeries. It’s unlikely she will wait til you change jobs. If you decide to change jobs, she will divorce before you do.
If you want more sneaking around combined with a vindictive wife, delay divorce. The cat is out of the bag for both of you. If you act like you weren’t serious that won’t help you. Your wife will proceed with her plans and the divorce will be to her greatest benefit..
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Post by shamwow on Jul 11, 2018 18:19:06 GMT -5
If your plan was solid on 12 June 2018, then - with a bit of tweaking - it still is now. If your plan is shakey today, then it was also shakey on 12 June 2018...and proceeding in an under-prepared manner was a tactical error. In which case you have some stuff to undo, and a heap of stuff to re-do - properly - under the guidance of your legal counsel. What is your lawyer advising you Brother @shynjdude ? Truth |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 11, 2018 18:51:49 GMT -5
You can still see and retain an attorney. The attorney works for you and will follow your instructions. I told H that i wanted a divorce in September and retained the attorney in October but I didn’t file until November, I wanted to wait until after Halloween, for whatever reason? It was amicable and we were divorced in January. So you can start the process and advocate for yourself as much as possible but set the wheels in motion after her surgery.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 11, 2018 18:57:08 GMT -5
You can set the wheels in motion before her surgery including freezing accounts. When I divorced, we did it slowly so I could stay on my h’s insurance til he retired. My lawyer (h chose not to have one) followed my directives on this.
Keep in mind that you’ve said your wife gaslights you. She may not be telling you the truth about why she doesn’t want to divorce now. There may be a big financial benefit to her. Talk to a lawyer ASAP.
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okiedude
Junior Member
Learning to live with my Situation.
Posts: 87
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by okiedude on Jul 11, 2018 20:34:42 GMT -5
Protect yourself first. Forget her surgery, forget your job, heck go ask your job to do it now. Ask for a leave of absence, ask for new pay terms and drop your pay with a bonus paid at the end. I don't want to encourage a divorce but if the cat is out of the bag, I bet she has already started with a withdraw or hiding of assets/items.
I hate to also repeat a bad joke. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it is worth it...
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