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Post by DryCreek on Jul 11, 2018 21:45:52 GMT -5
@shynjdude, if you made it to your planned exit date, you’d have been in rare company. It seems to be the norm that once someone lines up their exit plan, an opportunity presents to accelerate it.
From the advice thus far, it seems that accelerating may be in your interest. I have to think that alimony for cases after 12/31 would be adjusted to account for the taxes... eventually. I bet there’ll be some inequity during the transition. It looks like closure before 12/31 assures the least risk, but depending on your jurisdiction that might not be possible (even without her trying to stall).
I think the only real slip was telling her you had an affair - no good will come of that.
But... call your lawyer and find out where you really stand.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2018 15:07:38 GMT -5
Sorry, too busy for real update, but things are getting weird.
Wife insisting she agrees she wants to do as much as we can without the lawyer. But she does want to wait. (My lawyer told me the chance for finishing before the end of the year for tax purposes is low, and no one knows yet how that will change the standard alimony formula. Potential for ugliness there.)
She's hurt by my admission of outsourcing, but more for trust reasons than the actual act. She attempted a weird sort of reset sex last night but while I embraced her I could not make myself interested in doing more. Again, she initiated this the day she found out about the affair! She is claiming now that she's been horny for months but didn't want to wake me. Yeah, right.
But communication is better than ever,to be honest. She is hugely embarrassed by the idea of divorce so she wants to sell the house first and move each of us to different communities where no one knows us so we aren't objects of curiosity. I'm sort of okay with that.
Some of the accumulated shit in the relationship has been cleared away. I still consider it a large reset and not real change for the most part. Fundamentally, even though we are talking better, it is still exhausting and not natural. I now know what feeling natural with someone feels like and I don't want to settle for less. (Let alone good sex. )
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 12, 2018 15:18:45 GMT -5
"She's hurt by my admission of outsourcing, but more for trust reasons than the actual act. She attempted a weird sort of reset sex last night but while I embraced her I could not make myself interested in doing more. Again, she initiated this the day she found out about the affair! She is claiming now that she's been horny for months but didn't want to wake me. Yeah, right."
Why would you even consider trying to make yourself want her? It's time for a divorce. Your marriage is over. The cat is out of the bag. You know she's also gaslighting you about her having any sexual nterest in you.
"But communication is better than ever,to be honest. She is hugely embarrassed by the idea of divorce so she wants to sell the house first and move each of us to different communities where no one knows us so we aren't objects of curiosity. I'm sort of okay with that. "
Why? If she's so embarrassed, let her move to a new community during the divorce. Why should you move to a new community to assuage her embarrassment? Her embarrassment is her problem. You don't have to make it yours. You can choose to stay or move -- whatever you'd like to do.
"She's hurt by my admission of outsourcing, but more for trust reasons than the actual act. "
So? You have been hurt for years by her rejection. Obviously, you couldn't trust her because the marriage she allowed you is not the kind of marriage that you signed up for and that she presumably vowed to participate in.
"Wife insisting she agrees she wants to do as much as we can without the lawyer. :
You would be very foolish to agree to that. Your wife is not someone whom you can trust. She has been for years ignoring your desires while she created a marriage that met her needs. Of course, she doesn't want you to see a lawyer. Your wife isn't your warden. You don't have to do what she says. You have posted that your wife has a history of gaslighting you. Why would you choose to do what she says when it comes to something as important as divorce?
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 12, 2018 16:28:15 GMT -5
It also would be wise to move into a separate bedroom. I know you're already in separate beds. A separate bedroom would make it more difficult to have those unproductive discussions your wife wants about your affair, whether to get a lawyer, etc. Make the reality clear that she is just a roommate.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 12, 2018 17:10:12 GMT -5
@shynjdude, keep the lawyer. It doesn’t mean you need to battle it out, but you need to do this right - process, language, etc.
It’s reasonable for her to want assurance that you’re not trying to undermine her, but that he’s engaged to make sure it’s done properly and guide you both through the process. Part of that will be starting the timer by filing.
Use the lawyer and start getting agreements cemented ASAP while she’s being agreeable and believes that you have something valuable to offer in exchange. Don’t leave loose ends until later just because you can, because something may change her atttude to be a lot less cooperative (like, after she’s gotten whatever social / timing concessions out of you). Just because the court system will take months to officiate doesn’t mean you can’t hash out the terms and sign an agreement now.
Talk to your lawyer about how to protect your financial interests, preferably in a way that won’t incense her. Like, splitting funds into private accounts ASAP, filing financial separation, etc. There is not only the challenge of an equitable split of assets, but also drawing a line of demarcation for new liabilities. Something as common as liability for a car wreck that exceeds coverage; or a new car loan; or credit cards.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 12, 2018 17:20:44 GMT -5
Sorry, too busy for real update, but things are getting weird. Wife insisting she agrees she wants to do as much as we can without the lawyer. But she does want to wait. (My lawyer told me the chance for finishing before the end of the year for tax purposes is low, and no one knows yet how that will change the standard alimony formula. Potential for ugliness there.) She's hurt by my admission of outsourcing, but more for trust reasons than the actual act. She attempted a weird sort of reset sex last night but while I embraced her I could not make myself interested in doing more. Again, she initiated this the day she found out about the affair! She is claiming now that she's been horny for months but didn't want to wake me. Yeah, right. But communication is better than ever,to be honest. She is hugely embarrassed by the idea of divorce so she wants to sell the house first and move each of us to different communities where no one knows us so we aren't objects of curiosity. I'm sort of okay with that. Some of the accumulated shit in the relationship has been cleared away. I still consider it a large reset and not real change for the most part. Fundamentally, even though we are talking better, it is still exhausting and not natural. I now know what feeling natural with someone feels like and I don't want to settle for less. (Let alone good sex. ) I think it's a wonderful idea to move somewhere new. Perhaps a non alimony state. Bet that talk stops instantly. And what is a "object of curiosity?" Because you're divorced? Half the marriages in this country end in divorce. Just so she knows, you don't have to sew a big D on your shirt when you split up. Or is it because of the affair? Well, that only spreads if she wants it to. Interesting how she is embarassed about how things appear than by how she has treated you. As for your lawyer, the effect of the tax law is pretty clear. I'd look for a second opinion on that one. Quickly. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 12, 2018 17:45:31 GMT -5
Your health care insurance most likely comes with certain limits it will pay every year. Are their certain Rx's tests, and visits that you would like to do for yourself before the years coverage ends? Don't let her rack up a huge amount of uncovered (could have waited-unnecessary) medical expenses.
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Post by workingonit on Jul 12, 2018 18:59:08 GMT -5
Oh man @shynjdude . This just got so real.
It does sound like good advice to get some signed agreements now before everything sinks in. Her fear is making her desperate and delusional- thus the reset attempt. At some point that fear will turn to anger. I think that is where things could get really messy. Maybe offer the timeline she wants in exchange for her signing some details or something. I don't know if that is possible.
Aside from that practical point, I actually applaud this report! You have been saying your authenticity is important to you. You have been working hard at self growth and we have all seen it here. This was your authentic self needing to open his mouth and tell the truth. Beautiful!! Huge!! When the truth is so clear living with the lie becomes unbearable. I think you did great!
The rest we will leave the legal minds to sort out!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2018 20:36:49 GMT -5
And what is a "object of curiosity?" Because you're divorced? Half the marriages in this country end in divorce. Just so she knows, you don't have to sew a big D on your shirt when you split up. Or is it because of the affair? Well, that only spreads if she wants it to. I mean the religious Jewish community. There are divorces but they are more rare and the divorced are instantly in a much lower social stratum. It sucks but it is real. I would like to move for similar reasons (others as well) - I never had good friends in this community anyway and I always liked the idea of a smaller one that would be a better fit for me. |
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Post by shamwow on Jul 12, 2018 21:10:23 GMT -5
And what is a "object of curiosity?" Because you're divorced? Half the marriages in this country end in divorce. Just so she knows, you don't have to sew a big D on your shirt when you split up. Or is it because of the affair? Well, that only spreads if she wants it to. I mean the religious Jewish community. There are divorces but they are more rare and the divorced are instantly in a much lower social stratum. It sucks but it is real. I would like to move for similar reasons (others as well) - I never had good friends in this community anyway and I always liked the idea of a smaller one that would be a better fit for me. was cast out by the catholics. I hear ya, brother. |
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Post by baza on Jul 12, 2018 22:13:51 GMT -5
Subsequent to your brief update, it now reads like you didn't actually have a plan (or if you did it was only at 'rough draft' status, not 'do-able' status) Brother @shynjdude .
If I've got that wrong, then ignore the following....
With the cat now well and truly out of the bag, you have put yourself in a position of "crash through or crash".
That is to say, you now hunt this through no matter what and accept any sub-optimal outcomes that letting the cat out early causes... in other words you crash through to the other side.
Or, you beat a hasty retreat, accepting that in so doing you have shred your cred along with the sub-optimal outcomes that involves... in other words, you crash. And resign yourself to a further period of misery whilst you gather your resources, try and re-establish your cred etc over the next couple of years or so.
Shithouse choices.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2018 22:25:26 GMT -5
Subsequent to your brief update, it now reads like you didn't actually have a plan (or if you did it was only at 'rough draft' status, not 'do-able' status) Brother @shynjdude . If I've got that wrong, then ignore the following.... With the cat now well and truly out of the bag, you have put yourself in a position of "crash through or crash". That is to say, you now hunt this through no matter what and accept any sub-optimal outcomes that letting the cat out early causes... in other words you crash through to the other side. Or, you beat a hasty retreat, accepting that in so doing you have shred your cred along with the sub-optimal outcomes that involves... in other words, you crash. And resign yourself to a further period of misery whilst you gather your resources, try and re-establish your cred etc over the next couple of years or so. Shithouse choices. I'm taking Door #1. Because I couldn't keep my mouth shut during an argument. There may be a delay, but I do not see myself at this time going back. She is talking as if she accepts the divorce as inevitable, but just wants more time. Since I did do this prematurely, I don't mind the extra time that much. But I'm making it clear that it isn't forever. But, yes, it's a crash through. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 13, 2018 6:41:42 GMT -5
You can engage a lawyer and start the divorce process including freezing accordingly accounts while still proceeding slowly with the divorce.
I initiated my divorce in June, 2012 and engaged a lawyer then . The divorce could have been final 6 months later. However imy h and I wanted the marriage to last until he retired in summer, 2013. This allowed me to remain on his insurance longer instead of my having to pay $600 a month to keep it. It also allowed him to not have to move until he moved abroad after retiring. We were polite and compatible as roommates so his continuing to live in the house worked for us.
We also treated each other fairly. Neither of us viewed divorce as an opportunity to be vindictive.
You need to engage a lawyer now. You have described your wife as an alpha who gaslights. That does not bode well for her to be a person who would not take unfair advantage of you in a divorce. The lawyer also can tell you if there would be major financial penalties for you if you delay the divorce.
Keep in mind that remaining married would not guarantee you would be there for your wife’s surgeries. Divorcing would not automatically mean you would not support her during her surgeries. Your actions in those circumstances will be what you choose to do. If insurance is her concern, the divorce settlement could include your paying for her insurance for a certain period of time.
I greatly fear that your wife’s conciliatory behavior is not going to last long. She is likely to tell her friends about your affair and she will come off as the unfairly wronged party. They will urge her to get back at you. That could result in her hiding money, running up debt or insisting on things that will make your life miserable and difficult.
Get a lawyer now to protect yourself. You can treat your wife fairly while using a lawyer. How you use the lawyer is your choice.
I hope you have moved into another bedroom. You both know divorce is coming. The cat is out of the bag. Ignore it at your peril.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 13, 2018 8:56:36 GMT -5
Subsequent to your brief update, it now reads like you didn't actually have a plan (or if you did it was only at 'rough draft' status, not 'do-able' status) Brother @shynjdude . If I've got that wrong, then ignore the following.... With the cat now well and truly out of the bag, you have put yourself in a position of "crash through or crash". That is to say, you now hunt this through no matter what and accept any sub-optimal outcomes that letting the cat out early causes... in other words you crash through to the other side. Or, you beat a hasty retreat, accepting that in so doing you have shred your cred along with the sub-optimal outcomes that involves... in other words, you crash. And resign yourself to a further period of misery whilst you gather your resources, try and re-establish your cred etc over the next couple of years or so. Shithouse choices. Baza, there is one more option that we have unfortunately seen many times here. It's the crash, swerve, crash, swerve, crash through approach. This technique involves making the leave decision (or having it made for you), swerving back into the lane, crashing into a guardrail, swerving back into the road, and repeating the process until the vehicle finally comes to a stop. It's a bit like when I used to drive fucked up in the old days. It seemed bad to me, but was a terror for anyone in the car with me and for anybody in my path. Without naming names, we have seen many examples of this on this forum. Not a pretty sight. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2018 10:26:14 GMT -5
Baza, there is one more option that we have unfortunately seen many times here. It's the crash, swerve, crash, swerve, crash through approach. This technique involves making the leave decision (or having it made for you), swerving back into the lane, crashing into a guardrail, swerving back into the road, and repeating the process until the vehicle finally comes to a stop. It's a bit like when I used to drive fucked up in the old days. It seemed bad to me, but was a terror for anyone in the car with me and for anybody in my path. Without naming names, we have seen many examples of this on this forum. Not a pretty sight. Have I mentioned how much I love ILIASM?  |
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