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Post by tirefire on Nov 24, 2018 10:52:41 GMT -5
Wishing you well, @shynjdude.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Nov 26, 2018 21:10:27 GMT -5
Through one of those curious inflections that one can encounter in the day to day, I did manage to exchange a few messages with @shynjdude.
He appreciates the well wishes from everyone. He also states that things continue to go well with W, in some ways even better than before to use his words.
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Post by baza on Nov 26, 2018 21:55:41 GMT -5
That's good to hear Brother TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo . If former Brother @shynjdude and his missus continue on that "being honest and no bullshit" road, then they'll get to the truth of their situation - and that truth based outcome is the absolute best result possible ..... for any of us. |
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 29, 2018 15:41:51 GMT -5
That's good to hear Brother TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo . If former Brother @shynjdude and his missus continue on that "being honest and no bullshit" road, then they'll get to the truth of their situation - and that truth based outcome is the absolute best result possible ..... for any of us. ^^^^^ I can't like this enough. |
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Post by saarinista on Nov 29, 2018 21:56:31 GMT -5
I respect his need to leave the board due to his wife's wishes and perhaps his own. However, I still remain hopeful that at some point she'll feel comfortable enough to let him pop back in once in a while to offer advice and hope, or one of his polls/questions of the day/jokes or memes.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2018 14:20:53 GMT -5
So I'm new here and been hearing about this shynjdude who apparently made a good turnaround. Just found this thread and got caught up. Happy for how things appear to be working for them. Sad because he stated what I've always known - it takes two. I can't keep trying to fix this myself. My husband must agree to come to counseling with me and fully jump in to save the marriage. If he doesn't, there's no hope. Sigh .....
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Post by shamwow on Dec 11, 2018 15:53:01 GMT -5
I am skeptical, but he has my best wishes. They both do. Agree on best wishes, but the poor judgment consistently displayed and lack of basic empathy leads me to believe that given a 5 year window, the situation will have reverted to form. I sincerely hope I'm wrong. |
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Post by baza on Dec 11, 2018 19:23:24 GMT -5
Something to keep in mind Sister @whynotm3 Former member shynjdude's deal has plenty to run in it yet, and it is far from "past the post". The abrupt end to his postings is not a good sign. Another current member timeforliving2 has a turnaround story in some detail. There's another couple @steveit jamesbonding and tiredoftears who have written a bit about their versions of turnarounds too. But - and let's be generous here and say there are 5 credible "turnaround" stories in here - then that's 5 members out of 1,314 members. The math says that "turnarounds" happen about 1 in 263. Or app 00.38%. They are rare, very very rare. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2018 19:26:47 GMT -5
my therapist has said as much .... an uphill battle is an understatement 😞 Something to keep in mind Sister @whynotm3 Former member shynjdude's deal has plenty to run in it yet, and it is far from "past the post". The abrupt end to his postings is not a good sign. Another current member timeforliving2 has a turnaround story in some detail. There's another couple @steveit jamesbonding and tiredoftears who have written a bit about their versions of turnarounds too. But - and let's be generous here and say there are 5 credible "turnaround" stories in here - then that's 5 members out of 1,314 members. The math says that "turnarounds" happen about 1 in 263. Or app 00.38%. They are rare, very very rare. |
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Post by solodriver on Dec 11, 2018 20:59:02 GMT -5
So I'm new here and been hearing about this shynjdude who apparently made a good turnaround. Just found this thread and got caught up. Happy for how things appear to be working for them. Sad because he stated what I've always known - it takes two. I can't keep trying to fix this myself. My husband must agree to come to counseling with me and fully jump in to save the marriage. If he doesn't, there's no hope. Sigh ..... Make sure you hold him accountable or you will continue where you currently are. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2018 7:07:38 GMT -5
Thank you ... exactly the kind of help and reinforcement I was hoping to receive here .... that, and knowing I'm not alone. I'm very nice and overlook too much. Need to put myself 1st for a change. So I'm new here and been hearing about this shynjdude who apparently made a good turnaround. Just found this thread and got caught up. Happy for how things appear to be working for them. Sad because he stated what I've always known - it takes two. I can't keep trying to fix this myself. My husband must agree to come to counseling with me and fully jump in to save the marriage. If he doesn't, there's no hope. Sigh ..... Make sure you hold him accountable or you will continue where you currently are. |
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Post by timeforliving2 on Dec 18, 2018 14:20:40 GMT -5
So I'm new here and been hearing about this shynjdude who apparently made a good turnaround. Just found this thread and got caught up. Happy for how things appear to be working for them. Sad because he stated what I've always known - it takes two. I can't keep trying to fix this myself. My husband must agree to come to counseling with me and fully jump in to save the marriage. If he doesn't, there's no hope. Sigh ..... @whynotm3 ... Sorry I didn't see this for a while after baza linked me in. I don't check in here daily. Happy to respond back via this message / post chain or separately.
Just briefly... our turnaround / recovery from a SM would not have happened if I didn't do certain things to shake things up a bit... which was enough encouragement for my refuser to go to couples counseling. First I took off the wedding ring. Second, I stopped kissing and hugging her until we went to counseling (For my refuser W, she seemed to be happy "enough"just with the traditional morning and evening brief kisses and hugs... this was sufficient "intimacy" for what she needed to feel loved. So I stopped giving that to my refuser... I told told her simply and unapologetically that I would not do that anymore until we went to counseling and I felt like we were making progress). This included even when at church with our family... I would otherwise kiss my W during the sign of peace... but it was such a hollow charade... appearing to hundreds of others that we were a loving couple... when we weren't. So I stopped that weekly kiss in public at church too.
When we got to counseling, our counselor wisely met with each of us separately first (2 times each) to better understand what our issues were. When talking to the counselor I let him know that I was perfectly OK with either result of counseling: either we fix things in a reasonable time or we separate / divorce. I am sure our counselor told this separately to my refuser. I had previously and finally reached the conclusion / was truly resolved that I couldn't live this way anymore, and despite my strong religious upbringing, divorce was certainly a viable option... even with some middle-school aged kids in the home. Finally, when in joint couples counseling, I was always respectful of my choice of words (no name calling) but I was *completely* honest / didn't hold back any thoughts or feelings and I left it all on the table. This was the last chance to save the marriage so I certainly wanted to say I tried. I also went in with the attitude that I wasn't perfect either and I was willing to change in some respects too. We both needed to change. After 6 weekly sessions and the start of a new year, my refuser shocked the heck out of me and initiated for only the 2nd time in our nearly 20-year marriage.
Hope some of that insight helps. I can certainly elaborate more.
TL2
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2018 14:44:13 GMT -5
So I'm new here and been hearing about this shynjdude who apparently made a good turnaround. Just found this thread and got caught up. Happy for how things appear to be working for them. Sad because he stated what I've always known - it takes two. I can't keep trying to fix this myself. My husband must agree to come to counseling with me and fully jump in to save the marriage. If he doesn't, there's no hope. Sigh ..... @whynotm3 ... Sorry I didn't see this for a while after baza linked me in. I don't check in here daily. Happy to respond back via this message / post chain or separately.
Just briefly... our turnaround / recovery from a SM would not have happened if I didn't do certain things to shake things up a bit... which was enough encouragement for my refuser to go to couples counseling. First I took off the wedding ring. Second, I stopped kissing and hugging her until we went to counseling (For my refuser W, she seemed to be happy "enough"just with the traditional morning and evening brief kisses and hugs... this was sufficient "intimacy" for what she needed to feel loved. So I stopped giving that to my refuser... I told told her simply and unapologetically that I would not do that anymore until we went to counseling and I felt like we were making progress). This included even when at church with our family... I would otherwise kiss my W during the sign of peace... but it was such a hollow charade... appearing to hundreds of others that we were a loving couple... when we weren't. So I stopped that weekly kiss in public at church too.
When we got to counseling, our counselor wisely met with each of us separately first (2 times each) to better understand what our issues were. When talking to the counselor I let him know that I was perfectly OK with either result of counseling: either we fix things in a reasonable time or we separate / divorce. I am sure our counselor told this separately to my refuser. I had previously and finally reached the conclusion / was truly resolved that I couldn't live this way anymore, and despite my strong religious upbringing, divorce was certainly a viable option... even with some middle-school aged kids in the home. Finally, when in joint couples counseling, I was always respectful of my choice of words (no name calling) but I was *completely* honest / didn't hold back any thoughts or feelings and I left it all on the table. This was the last chance to save the marriage so I certainly wanted to say I tried. I also went in with the attitude that I wasn't perfect either and I was willing to change in some respects too. We both needed to change. After 6 weekly sessions and the start of a new year, my refuser shocked the heck out of me and initiated for only the 2nd time in our nearly 20-year marriage.
Hope some of that insight helps. I can certainly elaborate more.
TL2
TL2 ... thank you for that. It's very encouraging as you seem to have taken the same / similar steps that I, too, have implemented. Forcing my husband's hand and making it clear life as it was will not continue. He is still refusing counseling, but I'm doing what I can on my own to force conversations and discussions at home. At this point he knows the end is eminent if things don't change. I'm done with living in a SM and if he isn't willing to work with me to find a happy medium, then that's that. I wanted a husband, not a roommate. I don't expect perfection, nor am I in anyway perfect myself. But a healthy sex life with one's spouse is in large part what makes a marriage a marriage. It keeps the bond and connection and love flowing. Without it, the relationship shrivels and dies. We nearly split again this past weekend. Again, I spoke my peace and let the chips fall where they may. He asked for another chance to make things right. Said all the right things again. Time will tell I suppose. Re-set, right? I am hopeful, but also can feel with each near split I step back just a little more emotionally and it gets a little easier to believe I'd be just fine without him. Good luck to you! I hope the positive changes continue. |
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 19, 2018 7:05:54 GMT -5
@whynotm3, when he "says the right things," is he specific? I think there is a huge difference between the vague talking about meeting some need, and specific dirtiness in words, indicating specific wild and raunchy things you might like. If they are not willing to be specific, there is no way to know if they get it, but my bet is that they don't.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2018 7:37:19 GMT -5
@whynotm3 , when he "says the right things," is he specific? I think there is a huge difference between the vague talking about meeting some need, and specific dirtiness in words, indicating specific wild and raunchy things you might like. If they are not willing to be specific, there is no way to know if they get it, but my bet is that they don't. @ ironhamster ... not sure exactly what you mean, but the specifics we talked about and I insisted needed changed were spontaneous sex when the children were home (he has always refused sex when they are home because, "I'm too loud" ... this is nonsense after trying twice before and proving to him I didn't always need to bang my fists on the damn headboard. Christ, I'm not an idiot! The scheduled sex needed to change, too, to more spontaneous so I felt like he actually wanted me and wasn't just fitting me in because it had been 'a while' and he felt obligated. More random physical affection and flirtiness. I also told him I MUST be able to randomly approach him and refused to just sit and wait until he was ready to approach me. At present, I'm often times afraid to go initiate for fear of another rejection. I said if I come to you, at reasonable periods of time, you must oblige in at least trying. if you haven't taken your pill and don't function, fine, but you must at least reciprocate with some physical affection towards me. The next day I was walking down the stairs and he was coming up. We stopped, I kissed him, he kissed me back, hugged me then grabbed my ass in the best of ways. I acknowledged that and said I loved when he did that .... but then followed it up with a "it'd be nice if that lasted more than 3 weeks" then kissed him strong again and continued down the stairs. That was my way of saying thank you for that, that's what I'm looking for, but it can't be a temporary thing. This needs to be a permanent (or more often than not) change. Not sure if that is specific enough or what you meant, but that's where we started. Obviously, this is a work in progress, but I know I must keep my foot on the gas pedal or we will surely slide right back to where we were which, I've made clear, is unacceptable and will not be tolerated, regardless of whether I love him / he loves me, or not. If I've missed your point, please clarify. |
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