I screwed up with The Talk....am I screwed?

jamesbonding, I have read some of your and others post on the reuniting website. I also watched several videos about the book "Cupid's Posioned Arrows" and Marnia Robinson interviews.

It might explain how some people work and why after having sex, things seem to go back to being disconnected but i don't buy the idea of mostly no orgasms.

I've written before about the baz/enna dynamic (my reality these days) and how there was a lot of "unlearning" to do when we got together after our respective ILIASM deals ended.

I think that exact same "unlearning" matter is probably in play in your "re-branding" of your existing deal Brother @shynjdude though your deal involves the same two people.

So I'll offer you this.
You (and Missus) are probably BOTH carrying conditioned responses to certain situations that you learned during your ILIASM experience.
These responses, whilst useful to cope with an ILIASM deal, might be quite counterproductive in a new/re-branded situation.

Please DON'T underate just how deep those old conditioned responses are. They are way deeper than you think.
Your description of the hugging incident is a classic case in point.
In reality, a pretty minor thing. But, capable of bringing to mind past rejective incidents in an instant - and getting you re-acting in the moment as if it was indeed a rejective event.

Looks like you nipped this hugging deal in the bud by getting it out there real quick. Good tactic that.
Thing is, you are likely to find that you (both) have a fair few "triggers" that will propel you back to "times past" pretty quickly and easily.

This "un-learning" (of old conditioned reactions) is a bloody sight more difficult than you might think.

Ms enna and I have now been living together 8 years.
And even now, cases of "un-learning" still emerge from time to time.
Getting them out there for discussion there and then is a pretty good idea.

Sounds like a mild form of PTSD of the SM kind

It feels more and more like this thread doesn't belong in the Sexless Marriage section.

Even if I count my year as starting on the Jewish New Year (September 11 this year) it is already not a sexless marriage by the standard definition of ten times a year.

There are potholes. Things get awkward sometimes. Issues from the past pop up. This week my wife noticed a gift that my AP had given me and asked where I got it from. Since I am done with lying I told her the truth and threw it out (reluctantly.) She wants honesty above everything else. I didn't want to hurt her, but her reaction was again beyond any expectation....she said she didn't realize how real my relationship was with my AP and she apologized again for not being there for me and putting me in a situation where I had to seek a relationship outside marriage.

But so far we have managed to push past the issues. Yesterday things got weird and to have sex didn't feel right; but she came into my bed at 3:30 AM today telling me she never wants me to feel unwanted again. And we made love.

It isn't earthshaking. It is pleasant and caring. And neither of us can quite let go completely of the past, worried about getting hurt again, so we are both still holding back a little in bed. But both of us care about each other. We both want to build things up.

Sure I'm worried how things will be beyond the new courting/dating stage we are in. But everything is still way better than I could ever have imagined.

We are at nearly 11 weeks of the turnaround.

I don't feel comfortable enough yet to move this thread to the Post SM section. I can't yet say that my marriage problems are all solved. Hell, I don't know if we love each other. But the communication has been raw and honest, and the desire to please each other is quite high, and I do feel optimistic that we won't lose that.

baza, the honesty policy is worth an entire thread. Been meaning to start it.

This was an interesting week.

For the first time since the reboot, we haven't had sex in over a week. But the reasons are understandable - I had a bad cold and then she caught it, and her recovery is taking much longer.

We are still cuddling and kissing and holding each other, so (as opposed to a brief interruption a month or two ago) I am not uptight at all - after all, we are being intimate and I don't have any fears (yet?) that this is a foreshadowing of a return to the shithole.

And in a way it is good because we are talking quite a lot. And once again, my wife is way ahead of me in maturity, which simultaneously bugs me and makes me respect the hell out of her (and makes me want to learn how.) So for example, we started to fall into old patterns on Saturday, and I was upset and starting to raise my voice; she managed to defuse things and get the discussion back on track, something unthinkable a few months ago.

I do not even have the self awareness of when I am turning angry and I need to learn that so I can defuse myself.

We are also starting to talk about the things that bothered us the most about the other during Marriage 1.0, so we can attack the problems now while we are in our honeymoon phase. Topics that were kryptonite because they would cause a fight are now being broached.

Another telling micro-episode: We went out to eat at a steakhouse. She suggested that we split a 32-ounce rib steak, and as I always have, I said that was fine with me. Then she asked me if that is what I really wanted - if I could choose anything on the menu, not worrying about pleasing her, what would I choose? Because that is what I should order, not always trying to accommodate her. If we are spending all this money, why shouldn't we get what we want most?

I was so used to avoiding even the slightest hint of conflict that I would let my wife make all the decisions unless I was truly against something. And as a result I have lost some of who I am. My wife sensed this and tells me that she wants to know the real shynjdude, not the person I think she wants me to be - because that guy was not a good partner. (And she reassures me that she really likes everything about Husband 2.0 so far.)

Of course, I am complimenting the hell out of her, and quite honestly. I am extraordinarily impressed with how she is acting.

As much as we are growing through our discussions, I'd be quite happy if she felt well enough tonight to resume lovemaking!

So far, so good....