I screwed up with The Talk....am I screwed?

It occurs to me that the issue isn't the sexless marriage.

It isn't even the larger issues in the marriage - of trust and love and fun and commitment.

The real issue is being true to yourself.

SMs twist reality and they twist our own idea of our very selves. Whether it is to conform to our spouses' wishes, or their perceived wishes, or to subordinate our own joys and desires, we are no longer ourselves when we are in these relationships.

We need to find ourselves. We need to define our own values and priorities. And then we have to work toward that.

If that is compatible with the marriage, great. But in most cases, by the time the marriage gets to this point, the chances that our priorities coincide with our spouse's are diminishingly low.

I spent so much time hiding who I was in what I thought was the best interests of the marriage. Which surprises the hell out of me, because I always felt that I was self-reflective and self-analytical, that I had a good idea of who I am.

But it took one wonderful woman to teach me what authenticity was - to force me to look deeper and see where I had been fooling myself. I learned more about myself - and consequently I grew more with her - than in many, many years.

And it took another incredible woman to teach me what true acceptance and love was. To understand that it is possible to be loved for who I am (and to love her for who she is), without worry and without fear of being judged. In our rare times together, I am truly myself - and she taught me that my real self, the self I had been hiding in hopes of making things better at home, is a lovable and valuable person.

The scariest part of leaving is not knowing whether the future would be any better. But from this perspective, there is no choice - my present is inauthentic. I'd rather be poor and true (or truer) to myself than comfortable and living a lie where I have to put up a front at every social and family event, and even at home, pretending things are sort of OK to keep the peace. I'd rather be alone than in a relationship where I am not me.

Of course every relationship should have compromises, and there are going to be conflicts where one cannot do everything they want. But a good relationship should have the partner embracing or accepting the parts that are different, not making the other feel like they have to hide any part of themselves.

I'm still learning. But I can only do that by realizing who I am and working towards that person.