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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2018 10:33:59 GMT -5
It occurs to me that the issue isn't the sexless marriage.
It isn't even the larger issues in the marriage - of trust and love and fun and commitment.
The real issue is being true to yourself.
SMs twist reality and they twist our own idea of our very selves. Whether it is to conform to our spouses' wishes, or their perceived wishes, or to subordinate our own joys and desires, we are no longer ourselves when we are in these relationships.
We need to find ourselves. We need to define our own values and priorities. And then we have to work toward that.
If that is compatible with the marriage, great. But in most cases, by the time the marriage gets to this point, the chances that our priorities coincide with our spouse's are diminishingly low.
I spent so much time hiding who I was in what I thought was the best interests of the marriage. Which surprises the hell out of me, because I always felt that I was self-reflective and self-analytical, that I had a good idea of who I am.
But it took one wonderful woman to teach me what authenticity was - to force me to look deeper and see where I had been fooling myself. I learned more about myself - and consequently I grew more with her - than in many, many years.
And it took another incredible woman to teach me what true acceptance and love was. To understand that it is possible to be loved for who I am (and to love her for who she is), without worry and without fear of being judged. In our rare times together, I am truly myself - and she taught me that my real self, the self I had been hiding in hopes of making things better at home, is a lovable and valuable person.
The scariest part of leaving is not knowing whether the future would be any better. But from this perspective, there is no choice - my present is inauthentic. I'd rather be poor and true (or truer) to myself than comfortable and living a lie where I have to put up a front at every social and family event, and even at home, pretending things are sort of OK to keep the peace. I'd rather be alone than in a relationship where I am not me.
Of course every relationship should have compromises, and there are going to be conflicts where one cannot do everything they want. But a good relationship should have the partner embracing or accepting the parts that are different, not making the other feel like they have to hide any part of themselves.
I'm still learning. But I can only do that by realizing who I am and working towards that person.
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Post by flounder on Jul 4, 2018 12:16:34 GMT -5
Well done.
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Post by workingonit on Jul 4, 2018 13:55:40 GMT -5
This. I am so in agreement.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jul 4, 2018 15:06:28 GMT -5
RIGHT ON! The real issue is being true to yourself.
Yes! You’re getting it!
Such a gem, this: I'd rather be alone than in a relationship where I am not me.
My SM didn’t start out inauthentic but it did become that way. When I started being true to myself, it was incompatible with the “hiding of my spirit” which had become a requirement of interacting with my spouse.
I am so grateful to have moved out. Still a work in progress for moving on & all, but my odds at being true to myself are so much more in my favor as a single gal than they were towards the end of my SM.
GREAT post, @shynjdude
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Post by saarinista on Jul 4, 2018 20:46:50 GMT -5
The scariest part of leaving is not knowing whether the future would be any better. But from this perspective, there is no choice - my present is inauthentic. I'd rather be poor and true (or truer) to myself than comfortable and living a lie where I have to put up a front at every social and family event, and even at home, pretending things are sort of OK to keep the peace. I'd rather be alone than in a relationship where I am not me. & I'm still learning. But I can only do that by realizing who I am and working towards that person. I especially like these two points. May I also offer that you won't be poor. Maybe you will have less money under your sole control after a divorce, but you'll still have more than most of the world. And you won't have poverty of spirit. I think a lot of times, marriage and material success get entwined in our minds. Add kids and work into the mix, along with family stuff, and the spousal relationship, including sex, becomes the last thing that anyone thinks about. Is it any wonder that we have so many unhappy marriages? Nope. Also, in my experience, the more money one has to lose, the less likely they are to be willing to look at the truth of their lives. We get so hooked on having that money and the stuff it provides that we're afraid to do or think anything that might reveal a truth that could endanger our creature comforts. I've done it myself. Having experienced a long run of financial distress, however, gave me the chance to having little left to lose and hence, nothing to do but embrace uncomfortable truths. What I'm saying, however inelegantly, is that money does not buy happiness. It doesn't buy sadness, either. It just is. So long as you can eat and have a half decent place to live and the ability to live in peace, in line with your own authentic feelings, you will be rich in a very real way. Great post.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2018 21:22:23 GMT -5
I get nervous when a post like this gets lots of "likes" because it makes me sound like I have my shit together far more than I do.
But, as I said, I'm still learning.
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 4, 2018 21:24:18 GMT -5
I came here a year and a month ago looking for a solution. Most or perhaps all of us came here looking for a way to fix our marriages. As senior members will point out from time to time, the belief that "everything is great bar the sex" falls apart when we did deeper.
Amen to being true to yourself.
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Post by ihadalove on Jul 4, 2018 21:26:26 GMT -5
I spent so much time hiding who I was in what I thought was the best interests of the marriage. Which surprises the hell out of me, because I always felt that I was self-reflective and self-analytical, that I had a good idea of who I am. This is something I've been realizing and grappling with a lot lately. I've been holding passion and desire back out of fear of rejection. I'm not going to do it anymore, or will be taking steps away from this. If that ends up not being good for the marriage, then so be it.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jul 4, 2018 22:20:11 GMT -5
I get nervous when a post like this gets lots of "likes" because it makes me sound like I have my shit together far more than I do. But, as I said, I'm still learning. No, it doesn’t make you sound like you have your shit together. It sounds like a brilliant insight into seeing which shit you have any control over. As yet, it is a plan for action. I hope you will find all the ways to take this action: to live authentically. It isn’t anyone else’s job and is your only real assignment in life. I’ve even been out for two years, and still a work in progress on the authenticity front. But at least now I’m the only one in my own way of this goal. And about 60-65% of the time, I do REAL good at it. Maybe 10-20% pretty good. And sometimes I still really fail at saying who I am, not accepting less than I need, and stating what I want. We’re all works in progress. And that’s ok!
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Post by baza on Jul 5, 2018 2:15:19 GMT -5
Brother shamwow has this tagged onto his profile - "Sham's Law #1: Everything in life is simple. First you figure out what you want. Second, you figure out how to get it. Third you do it. The first step, unfortunately happens to be the hardest" - I think it is pretty accurate.
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Post by solodriver on Jul 5, 2018 16:13:24 GMT -5
I working on this process myself right now. It's very tough but necessary. No more pretending or hiding, or just accepting it.
My thoughts now are that I want and deserve more than what I have and I need to work to get what it is I need, deserve and desire.
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Post by unmatched on Jul 6, 2018 6:09:07 GMT -5
I get nervous when a post like this gets lots of "likes" because it makes me sound like I have my shit together far more than I do. But, as I said, I'm still learning. It is pretty scary when you put something out into the world and the world answers back and says, 'Yes, you are right.'
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2018 7:15:51 GMT -5
I get nervous when a post like this gets lots of "likes" because it makes me sound like I have my shit together far more than I do. But, as I said, I'm still learning. It is pretty scary when you put something out into the world and the world answers back and says, 'Yes, you are right.' Part of me wonders whether the person I present myself as on here is the same person I really am. I think it's close but a bit idealized. And if I want to be true to myself, then I need to be authentic here as well. Yes, I've been told that I am too hard on myself
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jul 6, 2018 8:52:23 GMT -5
It is pretty scary when you put something out into the world and the world answers back and says, 'Yes, you are right.' Part of me wonders whether the person I present myself as on here is the same person I really am. I think it's close but a bit idealized. And if I want to be true to myself, then I need to be authentic here as well. Yes, I've been told that I am too hard on myself I’m not sure it’s only you. I like when the world says “yes, you’re right” but it took a WHILE to get used to it. Because of submitting muse to the mind tricks of SM conditions, I was conditioned to believe I was wrong - about everything, starting with my beliefs about sex but including my opinions about any topic at all. When I started to notice how much work people respected me, and our couple friends told H how lucky he was that I put up with him ... hmm. I finally noticed that he was the main person in my life who treated me as if I was daft. It suddenly seems so apparent, at some point, it IS him and not me! Wishing you continued success in your re-conditioning, @shynjdude and to all who have been beaten down by their situations into believing there is something “wrong” with us. We are mismatched but we are not broken people.
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